15 Alarming Signs Your Relationship is Being Tested!

Key Takeaways:

• Recognize subtle boundary-pushing behaviors.
• Manipulation often hides behind flattery.
• Respect and trust are non-negotiable.
• Don't ignore the power of guilt trips.
• Stand firm against emotional manipulation.

Are You Testing the Strength of Your Relationship?

Relationships are often a delicate dance of emotions, trust, and boundaries. But what happens when one partner starts pushing those boundaries, testing the waters to see how much they can get away with? You might have found yourself questioning whether your relationship is being tested, and if so, what it means for your future together. These tests can be subtle or glaringly obvious, but one thing is clear—they're not healthy.

If you've felt that your partner is trying to gauge your tolerance or pushing you to your limits, it's a clear sign that something deeper is going on. Are they simply trying to assert control, or are they testing the strength of your relationship to see how far they can stretch it? This is where we need to take a closer look, to understand the red flags, and most importantly, how to respond.

They Push Boundaries: Why It's a Red Flag

When your partner starts to push boundaries—whether it's through small, seemingly insignificant actions or more overt demands—it's often a sign that they are trying to see how much they can get away with. This isn't just about minor disagreements or the normal give-and-take that happens in relationships. This is about a consistent pattern of behavior that chips away at your autonomy and comfort.

According to Dr. Henry Cloud, co-author of the book "Boundaries," “When you start compromising your boundaries in order to please others, you end up losing yourself.” Boundaries are not just a formality in a relationship—they are essential for maintaining respect and individuality. When someone pushes these boundaries, it's often a sign that they are trying to gain control, which can be toxic in the long run.

Pay close attention to how often your partner tests your limits. Do they constantly push you to do things you're uncomfortable with? Do they ignore your repeated requests to stop certain behaviors? If so, it's time to recognize these actions for what they are—a red flag that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.

When Flattery Turns into Manipulation

Flattery can be a beautiful thing in a relationship—it's nice to feel appreciated and admired. But when does flattery cross the line and become a tool of manipulation? It's when the compliments feel less about genuine admiration and more about getting you to do something you're uncomfortable with. This is where things get tricky, and it's important to recognize the difference.

Manipulation often hides behind a mask of kindness. You might find your partner excessively praising you right before asking for a big favor or trying to sway you into doing something you've already expressed reluctance about. This tactic isn't just about making you feel good; it's about disarming you, making it harder for you to say no. It's a subtle way of breaking down your defenses so that you're more likely to agree, even against your better judgment.

In his book "Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion," Robert Cialdini explains, “People prefer to say yes to those they like, and one of the best ways to get people to like you is through flattery.” But when this technique is used to manipulate rather than uplift, it's a clear red flag. Flattery should be sincere and free of ulterior motives, not a strategy to get what one wants.

The Power Play: Using Threats to Get Their Way

Threats, whether direct or implied, are one of the most damaging forms of manipulation in a relationship. When your partner uses threats to get their way, they're not just testing your boundaries—they're breaking them. This behavior is about control and power, and it often leaves you feeling scared, unsure, and disempowered.

It might start small—perhaps they suggest that something bad will happen if you don't do what they want. Over time, these threats can escalate, becoming more direct and more harmful. The threat could be anything from leaving the relationship, harming themselves, or creating a situation that would deeply affect you emotionally or even financially. The aim is to make you feel cornered, like you have no choice but to comply.

In any healthy relationship, power dynamics should be balanced. When one person begins using threats to manipulate the other, it's a sign that things have gone seriously wrong. It's not about love or respect anymore—it's about control. And that's not something that should ever be part of a loving relationship. If you find yourself on the receiving end of such threats, it's crucial to recognize this as a major red flag and take action to protect yourself.

Sulking and Manipulation: The Emotional Toll

Sulking might seem like a minor issue on the surface—after all, everyone gets upset from time to time. However, when sulking is used as a tool of manipulation, it can take a significant emotional toll on a relationship. This behavior often manifests when a partner doesn't get their way and responds by withdrawing, giving the silent treatment, or displaying visible displeasure until they get what they want.

This kind of manipulation works by preying on your emotions. You might find yourself bending over backward to make your partner happy again, even if it means compromising on your own needs or values. The emotional weight of carrying someone else's mood can be exhausting, leaving you feeling like you're constantly walking on eggshells to avoid triggering another episode.

As Dr. Harriet Lerner discusses in her book "The Dance of Anger," “Sulking can be a passive-aggressive way of expressing anger or disappointment, and when it's used repeatedly, it can damage the foundation of a relationship.” It's not just about the immediate impact; over time, the constant need to appease a sulking partner can erode your sense of self and make you question your own worth within the relationship.

Excessive Expectations: When They Ask Too Much

Relationships require effort and compromise, but there's a line between reasonable expectations and demands that are simply too much. When your partner consistently asks more of you than what is fair or reasonable, it's a sign that they may not be respecting your boundaries or understanding your limitations.

These excessive expectations can take many forms. Maybe they expect you to prioritize their needs over your own, even when it's not practical or healthy. Or perhaps they demand a level of emotional, financial, or physical support that leaves you drained and depleted. Over time, meeting these unrealistic demands can become a full-time job, one that leaves you with little time or energy for yourself.

In her book "Codependent No More," Melody Beattie writes, “You can't take care of anyone else unless you first take care of yourself.” When a partner's expectations are so high that they leave you feeling overwhelmed or inadequate, it's a sign that something needs to change. A healthy relationship should be a partnership, not a one-sided demand for endless sacrifice.

Ignoring Your Boundaries: A Sign of Disrespect

Boundaries are the backbone of any healthy relationship. They help maintain balance, respect, and individuality between partners. But what happens when your boundaries are consistently ignored? This is not just a minor issue—it's a glaring sign of disrespect that can erode the very foundation of your relationship.

When a partner dismisses your boundaries, they are essentially saying that your needs, comfort, and autonomy don't matter as much as their desires. Whether it's something as simple as needing personal space or something more significant like financial independence, boundaries are crucial for your well-being. Ignoring them isn't just inconsiderate; it's manipulative and selfish.

As clinical psychologist Dr. Dana Gionta points out, “Respect for boundaries shows respect for the person. It's a way of saying, ‘I see you, I value you, and I respect your autonomy.'” When this respect is missing, it's a serious red flag that your partner might be more focused on their needs than on the health of the relationship.

If your partner continually ignores your boundaries, it's important to address this behavior head-on. It might feel uncomfortable, but setting and enforcing boundaries is necessary to protect your emotional and mental health. Remember, a relationship built on respect and mutual understanding will only grow stronger over time.

Jealousy and Possessiveness: How It Hurts Both of You

Jealousy can be a complex emotion in relationships. On one hand, it's natural to feel a little jealous from time to time—it shows you care. However, when jealousy becomes possessiveness, it can quickly spiral into something toxic that damages both partners.

Possessiveness often stems from insecurity or fear of losing the relationship. It can manifest in many ways, from constantly checking up on your partner to restricting their interactions with others. While it might seem like a sign of deep affection, possessiveness is actually a reflection of underlying trust issues. It creates an environment of control and suspicion, rather than one of love and support.

As relationship expert Esther Perel notes, “Jealousy in small doses can act as a reminder to value and nurture your relationship, but when it becomes possessive, it erodes trust and intimacy.” Instead of drawing you closer, it pushes you apart, creating a cycle of fear and resentment that can be hard to break.

Both partners suffer in a relationship marked by jealousy and possessiveness. The person on the receiving end feels suffocated and mistrusted, while the one harboring these feelings becomes consumed by their own insecurities. To break this cycle, it's crucial to foster open communication, build trust, and address the root causes of these emotions.

The Dangerous Game of Making You Jealous

Jealousy is a potent emotion, one that can be easily stirred up and, when intentionally provoked, can lead to significant damage in a relationship. Some partners might play the dangerous game of making you jealous, either to gauge your reaction or to assert a twisted sense of control. This is not only manipulative but also deeply disrespectful.

When someone deliberately tries to make you jealous, it's often an attempt to make you feel insecure, to test your loyalty, or to boost their own ego by seeing how much you care. They might flirt with others, talk about past relationships, or engage in behavior designed to make you feel threatened. This tactic is a clear red flag, indicating that your partner is more interested in playing games than in building a healthy, trusting relationship.

In "The Jealousy Cure," psychologist Dr. Robert Leahy explains, “Jealousy is a sign of fear—fear of losing what you have, fear of losing control. But when someone intentionally provokes jealousy, it's a sign of manipulation, not love.” This kind of behavior doesn't lead to a stronger bond; it creates doubt, insecurity, and often resentment.

The impact of these mind games can be long-lasting. You may find yourself constantly second-guessing your partner's intentions or feeling like you're in a competition you never signed up for. The best response is to address this behavior directly, make it clear that such games have no place in a healthy relationship, and set firm boundaries.

Testing Your Limits: Disrespect as a Tool

Disrespect in any form should never be tolerated in a relationship. Yet, some partners may use disrespect as a tool to test your limits, to see how much they can get away with before you push back. This is a deliberate and harmful tactic, designed to wear you down over time.

This kind of behavior can start subtly, with offhand comments or jokes at your expense. But over time, it can escalate into more overt forms of disrespect, such as ignoring your opinions, belittling your achievements, or dismissing your feelings. The goal is to chip away at your confidence and self-esteem, making you more pliable and easier to control.

Relationship counselor John Gottman emphasizes the importance of respect in his book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work," stating, “Without respect, there is no foundation for a healthy relationship. Disrespect breeds contempt, and contempt is the most corrosive emotion in a partnership.” When a partner tests your limits by being disrespectful, they are undermining the very foundation of your relationship.

If you notice a pattern of disrespect, it's essential to address it immediately. Allowing such behavior to continue only empowers the person to push further. Stand your ground, assert your boundaries, and make it clear that respect is a non-negotiable in your relationship. Remember, a loving partner will never feel the need to test your limits by treating you poorly.

Hurtful 'Jokes': When Humor Becomes Harmful

Laughter is often said to be the best medicine, but what happens when humor is used as a weapon rather than a way to connect? Hurtful "jokes" can be incredibly damaging in a relationship, especially when they're disguised as harmless fun. If your partner consistently makes jokes at your expense, it's time to consider whether their humor is actually masking something more harmful.

These so-called jokes might target your appearance, intelligence, or even your values. While they may be presented with a smile or a laugh, the underlying message can be one of disrespect or belittlement. You might find yourself laughing along just to keep the peace, but inside, these comments can hurt deeply, chipping away at your self-esteem and sense of worth.

In "The Assertiveness Workbook," psychologist Randy J. Paterson highlights the importance of recognizing when humor crosses the line: “When a joke feels more like a jab, it's a sign that the person delivering it may be using humor to express hostility or to put you down.” This type of humor isn't about sharing a laugh; it's about exerting power in a subtle, insidious way.

It's essential to set boundaries when it comes to humor in a relationship. Let your partner know how their words make you feel and that hurtful jokes aren't acceptable. A loving partner will respect your feelings and adjust their behavior accordingly. If they dismiss your concerns or continue to make you the butt of their jokes, it's a sign that they may not have your best interests at heart.

Intentional Conflict: Picking Fights to Test You

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but when one partner intentionally picks fights to test the other, it's a sign of deeper issues. This behavior can be confusing and exhausting, leaving you constantly on edge, wondering what will trigger the next argument.

Intentionally picking fights can serve several purposes for the instigator. They might be trying to gauge your commitment, seeing how much you're willing to tolerate before you push back. Alternatively, they could be attempting to destabilize the relationship to gain control, knowing that frequent conflict can leave you too emotionally drained to stand up for yourself.

Dr. John Gottman, renowned for his work on marital stability, notes in "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail," “Frequent, intentional conflict is often a power play, designed to keep one partner on the defensive.” When someone creates conflict on purpose, they are not looking for resolution; they are looking to see how far they can push you before you break.

It's important to recognize when conflict is being used as a tool for manipulation. If you find that your partner is consistently starting arguments over trivial matters or pushing your buttons just to provoke a reaction, it's time to take a step back and evaluate the health of the relationship. Communication and conflict resolution are key, but only if both partners are genuinely committed to finding common ground, not just testing each other's limits.

Too Close for Comfort: Inappropriate Connections

In any relationship, trust is paramount. But what happens when your partner maintains connections that make you uncomfortable—especially with people they've had romantic or emotional ties to in the past? These inappropriate connections can quickly become a source of tension, jealousy, and mistrust, and if not addressed, they can seriously damage the relationship.

While it's normal for people to have friends of the opposite sex or maintain casual contact with exes, there's a line between healthy friendships and connections that cross into emotional cheating territory. If your partner is spending more time with someone else than with you, sharing intimate details of your relationship, or turning to this person for emotional support instead of you, it's a clear sign that something is off.

In her book "Not Just Friends," Dr. Shirley Glass, a psychologist who specializes in infidelity, states, “Emotional infidelity can be just as damaging as physical infidelity, if not more so, because it involves a deep level of emotional investment that should be reserved for your primary relationship.” If your partner's connections with others are making you feel sidelined, it's crucial to have an open conversation about boundaries and what you both consider acceptable in your relationship.

It's not about being possessive or controlling; it's about ensuring that your relationship remains the priority. A healthy relationship requires mutual respect and understanding, and both partners need to feel secure in their connection with each other. If your partner values your feelings, they will be willing to make adjustments to ensure that both of you are comfortable and confident in your relationship.

Guilt Trips: Manipulating You to Feel Bad

Guilt is a powerful emotion, and when it's used as a tool of manipulation, it can be incredibly damaging to a relationship. Guilt trips are a common tactic used to control or influence a partner's behavior, making them feel bad for not meeting certain expectations or for prioritizing their own needs over those of their partner.

A guilt trip might involve your partner making you feel selfish for spending time with friends, accusing you of not caring enough if you don't do what they want, or constantly reminding you of past mistakes to keep you in a state of perpetual apology. The goal is to make you feel responsible for their happiness or well-being, even when it comes at the cost of your own.

As Dr. Susan Forward discusses in "Emotional Blackmail," “When someone uses guilt to manipulate you, they are not respecting your boundaries or your autonomy. They are using your emotions against you to get what they want.” This kind of manipulation is particularly insidious because it can make you question your own worth and judgment, leading to a cycle of compliance and resentment.

It's important to recognize when you're being guilt-tripped and to push back against it. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, not emotional manipulation. If your partner truly cares about you, they will not need to resort to guilt to get you to meet their needs. Instead, they will communicate openly and work with you to find solutions that respect both of your boundaries and needs.

Don't Be a Doormat: Standing Up for Yourself

One of the most critical aspects of a healthy relationship is the ability to stand up for yourself. It's easy to fall into the trap of constantly putting your partner's needs above your own, especially when you care deeply about them. However, when you start to sacrifice your own well-being, happiness, or values to appease someone else, you risk losing yourself in the process.

Being assertive doesn't mean being aggressive or confrontational; it means recognizing your worth and ensuring that your voice is heard. If you feel like you've become a doormat in your relationship—constantly giving in to your partner's demands, avoiding conflict at all costs, or letting disrespectful behavior slide—it's time to take a step back and reassess your boundaries.

As therapist Beverly Engel emphasizes in "The Nice Girl Syndrome," “Standing up for yourself is not just about defending your rights; it's about recognizing that you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.” This means setting clear boundaries, communicating openly, and not being afraid to say no when something doesn't feel right.

It's essential to remember that a healthy relationship is a partnership between equals. You have every right to assert your needs and expect them to be respected. By standing up for yourself, you're not only protecting your own well-being but also fostering a more balanced, respectful relationship where both partners feel valued and heard.

If you find it difficult to assert yourself, start small. Practice setting boundaries in less challenging situations and gradually work your way up to addressing more significant issues. Surround yourself with supportive friends or a therapist who can help you build confidence in your ability to stand up for yourself. Remember, you deserve a relationship where your needs and feelings are just as important as your partner's.

Recommended Resources

• The Dance of Anger by Dr. Harriet Lerner
• Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass
• The Assertiveness Workbook by Randy J. Paterson