14 Surprising Ways to Initiate Sex with Your Partner

Key Takeaways:

Initiating sex fosters connection and intimacy.
People fear rejection when initiating.
Nonverbal cues can be powerful signals.
Communication can ease nervousness and anxiety.
Try different approaches to initiation.

Why should you initiate sex?

Initiating sex isn't just about physical connection; it's about emotional vulnerability and deepening the bond between you and your partner. Many couples report feeling closer when both partners are willing to take turns initiating intimacy. According to Dr. John Gottman, one of the leading experts in relationship dynamics, "Emotional bids, including those for physical intimacy, are crucial for maintaining a strong relationship." In other words, taking the lead can enhance trust and communicate that you value the relationship.

There's also the concept of reciprocity at play. When one person consistently leaves the responsibility of initiating to the other, resentment can quietly build. You may start questioning why they always have to make the first move. But by showing that you're equally invested in your sexual connection, you're showing that you care about more than just receiving—you care about the health and satisfaction of the relationship as a whole.

Why are people nervous about initiating sex?

We've all been there—feeling a sense of hesitation or awkwardness when it comes to initiating sex. The most common reason? Fear of rejection. It's a vulnerable position to be in when you make the first move, as you open yourself up to the possibility that your partner might say "no." This fear taps into a broader psychological phenomenon known as the "fear of abandonment," where rejection feels like more than just a denial of intimacy—it can feel like a rejection of self-worth.

Additionally, societal norms play a role. Depending on your background, you may have grown up with the idea that it's not your role to initiate, or perhaps you've been taught that initiating is too aggressive. These ingrained beliefs can add layers of anxiety to an already vulnerable situation.

Moreover, people often worry about the timing. Is this the right moment? What if they're not in the mood? The reality is, no time is ever going to be perfect. The more we allow those thoughts to swirl, the harder it becomes to take that step.

How to approach the topic of sex with your partner

Bringing up the topic of sex with your partner can be intimidating, especially if it's not something you regularly discuss. But the truth is, open communication is key to a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship. It's not just about what happens in the bedroom; it's about understanding each other's needs, desires, and boundaries. So how do you start?

First, choose a comfortable time. Avoid moments of high stress or tension. Instead, bring it up when you're both relaxed and open. You might begin with something light, like, "I've been thinking about how we can make our intimate moments even better. What do you think?" Phrasing it as a team effort takes the pressure off and makes it feel like a shared goal.

Additionally, try to focus on positives rather than shortcomings. Rather than saying, "We never have sex anymore," consider framing it like, "I miss our intimate moments together." The latter keeps the conversation from feeling accusatory and invites a more positive response.

Sometimes, the most effective way to start these conversations is to acknowledge the potential awkwardness. Saying, "This might feel a bit awkward, but I really want to talk about our sexual connection," can make the conversation more approachable. Recognizing the discomfort gives both of you permission to feel vulnerable, which is essential for growth and deeper intimacy.

What to do if you're feeling rejected

Feeling rejected by your partner, especially when it comes to initiating sex, can sting. It's natural to feel hurt or question what went wrong, but it's important to not internalize this rejection. More often than not, rejection isn't a reflection of your worth, but rather a result of your partner's mood, stress level, or emotional state.

One thing to remember is that rejection doesn't mean “never.” It might just mean “not now.” That's why it's crucial to approach the situation with empathy. Start by asking yourself, “What might they be going through?” and open up a dialogue about how you're feeling, without placing blame.

Psychologist Brené Brown emphasizes the power of vulnerability in these moments, stating, “Staying vulnerable is a risk we have to take if we want to experience connection.” This vulnerability can mean expressing how the rejection made you feel in a calm and open way. For example, you might say, "I felt a little distant when you weren't in the mood earlier. Can we talk about what's going on?" By doing this, you create a space for conversation and understanding.

Finally, give yourself grace. Rejection can be hard, but it's not the end of intimacy. It's an opportunity to learn more about your partner's needs and how you can better align emotionally and physically.

The role of body language in initiating sex

Body language speaks volumes when words might feel too difficult or awkward to express. It's a subtle yet powerful way to communicate desire and readiness to your partner. Sometimes, it's those small gestures that can make a world of difference in creating a sensual atmosphere. A lingering touch, prolonged eye contact, or simply leaning in closer can all signal your interest without needing to say a word.

Think about how often you and your partner use nonverbal cues to connect throughout the day. Psychologists have long studied how body language influences our relationships, and Dr. Albert Mehrabian's research on communication shows that over 50% of what we communicate is nonverbal. So if you're feeling nervous about verbally initiating sex, body language can be a gentle yet effective way to bridge that gap.

It's also important to pay attention to your partner's body language. They might be sending signals without even realizing it, like inching closer on the couch or resting their hand on your arm. Picking up on these cues can make the moment feel more natural and spontaneous, allowing you to build intimacy without the pressure of finding the perfect words.

35+ ways to initiate sex with your partner

When it comes to initiating sex, variety can be the spice of life. If you're in a long-term relationship, it's easy to fall into patterns that feel predictable or even stale. To keep the excitement alive, consider exploring different ways to make that first move. Here are 35+ methods to help you initiate intimacy with your partner:

Use a direct method: Simply tell them what you want.
Put it in writing: Send a flirty text message or leave a note.
Use nonverbal cues: Give them a long, meaningful kiss or a gentle caress.
Offer a morning sex invitation: Surprise them when they wake up.
Schedule it in advance: Plan a special night together.
Talk about past sexual experiences: Reminiscing can set the mood.
Develop code words: Create secret phrases that signal your desire.
Be specific about what you want: Clearly express your desires.
If the relationship is new, have an open conversation: Talk openly about your boundaries and needs.
Take turns initiating: Make it a game to alternate who initiates.
Start with a massage: A relaxing massage can be a great way to set the mood.
Dress the part: Surprise them with something sexy or seductive.
Try a passionate kiss: Sometimes, a deep, lingering kiss is all it takes.
Surprise them when they wake up: Gently wake them up with affection.

These are just a few examples of how you can break out of your routine and find new ways to connect with your partner. The goal isn't to follow a script—it's to be authentic and present in the moment. Sometimes the most meaningful forms of intimacy come from spontaneous, unplanned gestures.

1. Use a direct method

Sometimes, the simplest approach is the most effective. Using a direct method means openly telling your partner what you want in a straightforward way. This doesn't mean being blunt or demanding, but rather expressing your desires clearly and confidently. For example, saying something like, "I've really been thinking about being intimate with you tonight," can set a clear intention without leaving room for ambiguity.

Direct communication shows confidence and can be a turn-on for many people. When you're open about what you want, it helps your partner understand your needs and makes them feel desired. Plus, when both partners feel free to speak openly, it builds a foundation of trust and honesty in the relationship.

It's also worth noting that being direct doesn't have to be serious all the time. You can inject humor or playfulness into the moment. A cheeky comment or a playful suggestion can lighten the mood and make the initiation feel more natural. The key is to make sure your partner knows that you're coming from a place of love and excitement, not pressure.

2. Put it in writing

Not everyone feels comfortable initiating sex through face-to-face conversation, and that's okay. Putting it in writing—whether through a text message, a handwritten note, or even an email—can be a great alternative. This method allows you to gather your thoughts, express your desires without the pressure of an immediate response, and create a sense of anticipation.

Sending a flirty or suggestive text message can spark excitement during the day and build up to an intimate moment later. It doesn't have to be explicit; sometimes, subtlety can be even more enticing. Something as simple as, "I can't stop thinking about you," or "I have a surprise for you later," can be enough to get the conversation started.

Leaving a note for your partner can also create an intimate moment. Maybe you leave it on their pillow, their desk, or slip it into their bag for them to find later. It can be sweet, playful, or sensual, depending on your relationship dynamic. Writing gives you the freedom to express yourself creatively, and it lets your partner know that you're thinking about them even when you're apart.

3. Use nonverbal cues

Words aren't always necessary to communicate desire—sometimes, body language can speak even louder. Nonverbal cues like a soft touch, lingering eye contact, or even the way you position yourself next to your partner can create a sensual atmosphere without saying a word. The key here is to be intentional and aware of how your movements and actions can send signals of affection and attraction.

For example, casually brushing your hand along their arm while you're sitting together or resting your head on their shoulder can foster a sense of closeness and connection. Another subtle cue might be holding their gaze a bit longer than usual, giving them a knowing smile, or even leaning in for a slow, gentle kiss. These gestures signal your desire in a way that feels natural and unforced.

One of the advantages of using nonverbal cues is that it allows the moment to evolve organically. You're giving your partner the space to pick up on your signals and respond in a way that feels right for them. It's about creating an atmosphere where intimacy can grow, rather than rushing toward a specific goal.

4. Offer a morning sex invitation

There's something special about the morning—a time when your mind is clear, and the world feels quiet. Offering a morning sex invitation can be an exciting and refreshing way to start the day. Whether it's through a gentle touch as you wake up or simply whispering something playful in their ear, mornings provide a unique opportunity to initiate intimacy without the distractions of the day weighing on you.

For many couples, mornings feel more relaxed, and that can lead to a more spontaneous and natural form of connection. Waking up next to each other, without the pressures of work or other responsibilities immediately demanding your attention, can be the perfect moment to surprise your partner with an intimate invitation.

One tip is to start slow—maybe with a lazy, affectionate cuddle or a tender kiss that gradually becomes more passionate. This allows your partner to ease into the moment and enjoy the physical closeness before things progress. Morning sex doesn't have to be rushed or planned out; it's all about embracing the calmness of the early hours and using that as a foundation for connection.

5. Schedule it in advance

Life gets busy—work deadlines, family obligations, social events—these can all make it hard to find the time for intimacy. Sometimes, spontaneity isn't always possible, and that's okay. Scheduling sex in advance can be a great way to ensure that you and your partner carve out intentional time for each other. While it might sound unromantic at first, planning can build excitement and anticipation, giving both of you something to look forward to.

Think of it like planning a date. You might not be able to drop everything for a passionate encounter at a moment's notice, but when you have something on the calendar, you can prepare for it mentally and emotionally. You can get playful with the scheduling too. Send your partner a message earlier in the day saying, “I can't wait for our time together tonight,” or leave hints throughout the week about what you're looking forward to.

Scheduled intimacy doesn't have to feel forced. Knowing that you've set aside time for each other creates a moment where distractions fall away, and you can fully focus on the connection you share. It shows that you prioritize your relationship, even in the midst of life's chaos. And who knows? Sometimes the anticipation can be just as thrilling as the act itself.

6. Talk about past sexual experiences

Reflecting on past sexual experiences can be a powerful way to reignite passion and intimacy in your relationship. Conversations about your favorite moments together—what made you feel especially close or connected—can remind both of you why you enjoy being intimate. It's not about comparing or critiquing, but about sharing what you love and exploring how to bring more of that into your present.

These kinds of conversations don't have to be overly serious. You can make it light and playful. Maybe you bring up a memory of a spontaneous encounter that left you both laughing and out of breath, or you talk about a particular time when you felt incredibly connected. By focusing on positive experiences, you're encouraging more of the same in the future.

However, it's also important to be mindful of how these conversations are framed. You don't want it to feel like a critique or a “do better” conversation. Instead, it's an opportunity to say, “I loved when we did this—let's do it again!” Psychotherapist Esther Perel notes that couples who keep curiosity alive about each other's desires and fantasies tend to experience deeper levels of intimacy. So, use these conversations to learn more about your partner and grow together.

7. Develop code words for intimacy

Developing code words for intimacy can be a fun, lighthearted way to initiate sex without the pressure of saying things directly. Code words act as an inside joke or shared secret between you and your partner, making the moment feel playful and private. It could be anything from a silly phrase that only the two of you understand to a more subtle hint that signals you're in the mood for some closeness.

The beauty of code words is that they create a sense of excitement and anticipation. Maybe it's a word you both came up with that signals a desire for intimacy, or maybe it's a phrase that references a funny memory you share. For example, a couple might use "let's order dessert" as their signal for wanting to spend some intimate time together. The idea is to make it fun and personal—something that brings you closer, both emotionally and physically.

Having these kinds of signals allows you to communicate your desires discreetly, especially in situations where it might not be appropriate to have a full-blown conversation about sex. Code words bring a bit of lightness to initiating intimacy, allowing you to bypass potential awkwardness while still letting your partner know what's on your mind.

8. Be specific about what you want

When it comes to intimacy, being specific about your desires can make a world of difference. Sometimes, we assume our partner knows exactly what we want without needing to say it, but that often leads to misunderstandings or unmet expectations. By clearly expressing what you want—whether it's a specific type of touch or a particular mood you're in—you're helping your partner understand your needs and how to best fulfill them.

It's not just about physical desires either. Maybe you want a more sensual experience that focuses on connection, or maybe you're craving something a bit more playful. Being upfront about what you're looking for removes the guesswork and allows both of you to feel more comfortable and confident in the moment. For example, instead of saying, “Let's be intimate,” you might say, “I'd love for us to take things slow tonight,” or, “I'm really in the mood for something passionate and spontaneous.”

Clarity creates a stronger emotional bond. It fosters trust because you're being open about what makes you feel good, and in return, your partner feels empowered to meet those desires. When both partners know what the other wants, it opens the door for deeper connection and more fulfilling experiences.

9. If the relationship is new, have an open conversation

In the early stages of a relationship, initiating sex can feel uncertain, especially when you're still getting to know each other's comfort levels and boundaries. But one of the best ways to avoid confusion and discomfort is to have an open conversation about sex early on. This doesn't mean you need to map out every detail of your intimate life, but being clear about your expectations and desires can help build trust and ease any anxieties.

It's important to approach these conversations with curiosity rather than pressure. Ask your partner how they feel about intimacy and what their boundaries are. You can also share what makes you feel comfortable or what you enjoy. When both people know where the other stands, it removes the guesswork and creates a safe space for the relationship to grow. Author and relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman notes that "understanding your partner's love language—whether it's through physical touch or another form of connection—can deepen emotional intimacy and make sex more meaningful." Open communication is the foundation for creating that deeper connection.

Being upfront early in the relationship sets a positive tone for future discussions. It shows that you're willing to talk about what matters, including the sensitive topic of sex. The more open and honest you are, the easier it becomes to initiate intimacy without fear of miscommunication or awkwardness.

10. Take turns initiating

When it comes to initiating sex, balance is key. In many relationships, one partner often takes the lead, which can create a dynamic where the other person feels less involved or less desired. Taking turns initiating sex can help to even the playing field and ensure that both partners feel equally valued and connected.

Switching up who takes the lead doesn't just reduce pressure—it also keeps things fresh. It can be exciting for both of you to step into a different role from time to time. If you're used to being the one who always initiates, letting your partner take the reins can make the experience feel new again. Likewise, if you're usually more passive, stepping up to initiate can boost your confidence and bring a new level of intimacy to the relationship.

This balance also fosters a sense of equality in the relationship. It shows that both partners are equally invested in maintaining their connection, both physically and emotionally. By taking turns, you can ensure that initiating sex becomes a shared responsibility, removing any sense of obligation from one side. It's a team effort, and when both people are involved, it strengthens the bond you share.

11. Start with a massage

One of the most soothing and intimate ways to initiate sex is by starting with a massage. Physical touch can break down barriers and build up closeness, allowing your partner to relax and feel cared for. The beauty of a massage is that it's not immediately about sex—it's about creating an environment where intimacy can naturally grow. By focusing on your partner's comfort and relaxation, you're setting the stage for a deeper connection.

A massage offers a gradual and gentle way to transition into intimacy. Begin by focusing on areas where your partner holds the most tension, such as their shoulders, back, or neck. As you continue, you can slowly increase the sensuality by using longer, more deliberate strokes, or by exploring more intimate areas. The slow build-up allows your partner to ease into the moment and become more receptive to what may come next.

Using massage oils or scented lotions can also enhance the experience. Aromatherapy, for instance, can add an extra layer of relaxation and allure. Scents like lavender and sandalwood are known for their calming and sensual properties. As your partner's body relaxes, their mind often follows, making them more open to physical connection. A massage is the perfect way to prioritize touch while leaving room for intimacy to develop at its own pace.

12. Dress the part

Sometimes, the clothes (or lack of clothes) we wear can play a big role in setting the mood for intimacy. Dressing the part can be a subtle yet powerful way to initiate sex. Whether it's wearing something that makes you feel confident and attractive, or choosing an outfit that you know your partner finds irresistible, the right clothing—or simply undressing in the right moment—can send a clear signal of your intentions.

It doesn't have to be lingerie or something overtly seductive. Maybe it's as simple as wearing your partner's favorite shirt or an outfit that makes you feel good in your own skin. Confidence is often the most attractive quality, and when you feel comfortable in what you're wearing, that confidence shines through.

For those who want to take it a step further, consider surprising your partner by showing up in something unexpected. The element of surprise can add an exciting, playful vibe to the moment. The act of putting thought into your appearance signals to your partner that you're ready to make them feel special and that you've put effort into setting the tone for an intimate encounter.

Ultimately, it's less about what you wear and more about the confidence and intention behind it. Dressing the part can set the stage for a memorable and passionate experience, leaving your partner excited and intrigued by what's to come.

13. Try a passionate kiss

Sometimes, the most powerful way to initiate intimacy is through something as simple as a kiss. A deep, passionate kiss can quickly ignite desire and create a spark that leads to more. It's a physical expression of love and attraction, and when done with intention, it can transform the atmosphere between you and your partner. Whether you've been together for years or are still in the early stages of a relationship, a kiss has the potential to say what words cannot.

The key to a truly passionate kiss is presence—being fully in the moment and letting your partner know through touch and closeness that they have your undivided attention. Start slow, maybe with a gentle brush of the lips, and then gradually deepen the kiss as you sense your partner's response. It's about building that moment of connection, rather than rushing toward the next step.

Kissing can also be a powerful tool for emotional bonding. Research has shown that kissing releases oxytocin, often called the "love hormone," which helps strengthen feelings of closeness and trust. So, the next time you want to initiate intimacy, don't underestimate the power of a well-timed, passionate kiss—it can be the perfect catalyst for a deeper connection.

14. Surprise them when they wake up

There's something incredibly intimate about waking up next to someone you love. And surprising your partner with affection when they wake up can be a playful and loving way to initiate sex. It's a soft, quiet moment before the day begins, and your partner may be more open to connecting when they're still in that relaxed, sleepy state.

You don't have to go over the top—a gentle caress, soft kisses on the neck, or cuddling closer can be enough to set the tone. It's about creating a space where your partner feels desired before they even open their eyes. You might even whisper something playful or affectionate, signaling that you're in the mood to start the day in a more intimate way.

The element of surprise can make the moment even more exciting. Your partner might not expect you to initiate first thing in the morning, so catching them off guard (in a loving way) can spark a sense of excitement and curiosity. It's also a great way to set a positive tone for the day ahead—beginning your morning with a shared, intimate experience that deepens your connection.

FAQs

How can I initiate sex easily?

Initiating sex doesn't have to be complicated or stressful. Start by finding a moment when both you and your partner are relaxed and open. The easiest way is often through small, affectionate gestures like cuddling, a kiss, or simply holding hands. Another way is to verbally express your feelings in a calm, lighthearted tone. Something as simple as, "I've really been thinking about you," can set the mood. The key is to approach it with confidence and sincerity, without putting too much pressure on the moment.

Why don't I initiate sex?

There are many reasons why someone might hesitate to initiate sex. It could be fear of rejection, a lack of confidence, or feeling unsure about your partner's interest. Sometimes, stress or emotional distance can play a role. It's important to remember that everyone has different comfort levels, and it's okay to take things at your own pace. If you're struggling with initiating, it might help to have an open conversation with your partner about your feelings or work on building your self-esteem in intimate situations.

How do you initiate sex after a dry spell?

After a dry spell, it can feel daunting to initiate sex again. The first step is to acknowledge the situation with your partner, but in a non-judgmental way. You could say something like, "I miss being close to you, and I'd love to reconnect." It's important to approach the conversation with empathy and understanding, as both of you may be feeling vulnerable. Take things slow, and don't rush into it. Start with simple, affectionate gestures like cuddling or kissing, and let the moment evolve naturally.

Recommended Resources

The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman – A classic guide to understanding emotional connection and intimacy.
Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel – A deep dive into maintaining desire and intimacy in long-term relationships.
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman – Research-backed insights on communication, intimacy, and relationship dynamics.

Sign In