14 Smart Tips for When You're Crushing on Someone in a Relationship (And How to Handle It)

Key Takeaways:

Crushing on someone in a relationship is normal
Understand your emotions and their source
Focus on self-growth and new connections
Be realistic about your feelings
Know when to move on

What does it feel like when you like someone in a relationship?

Crushing on someone who's already in a relationship can be an emotional rollercoaster. One moment you're thinking about how amazing they are, and the next, you're hit with that sinking feeling because they're not available. It's complicated and often frustrating. It can also bring up jealousy, a feeling of guilt, and even a sense of euphoria when you're around them.

According to psychologist John Bowlby's attachment theory, we're wired to seek out connection and emotional bonds. So, liking someone—even if they're already taken—stems from a natural desire for closeness. But that doesn't make it any easier when you're constantly torn between what you feel and what you know is right.

One minute, you might feel like the person could be your perfect match, and the next, you're reminded that they're unavailable. These emotional swings can take a toll on your mental health, leading to feelings of self-doubt and guilt.

Is it bad to like someone who is already taken?

Let's get one thing clear: liking someone who is already in a relationship isn't inherently bad. In fact, it's common. Crushes can sneak up on us, and they don't always choose the most convenient targets.

What matters most is what you do with those feelings. Liking someone doesn't make you a bad person, but acting on those feelings in a way that hurts others can lead to negative consequences. The key is to manage your emotions without disrupting their relationship or causing harm to yourself. As the famous author and relationship expert Esther Perel notes, "Desire often thrives in the spaces where we cannot have what we want." In other words, the intensity of the crush might stem from the fact that this person is unavailable, making them seem more attractive than they really are.

We have to take ownership of how we handle our feelings. There's a balance between acknowledging your emotions and choosing a path that respects both yourself and others. Recognizing that your feelings don't have to dictate your actions is a powerful first step.

14 tips for dealing with a crush on someone in a relationship

Crushing on someone who is already in a relationship is tough. You're dealing with intense emotions, but there's also that nagging feeling of guilt because they aren't available. So, what can you do to manage this emotional storm without making things worse for yourself (or them)? Here are 14 tips to help you navigate this situation:

Know how you got to this point: Reflect on how and why you started to develop feelings. Was it their kindness, their confidence, or just that they were there when you needed support?
Be sure about your personal goals: Ask yourself what you want from life, relationships, and love. Are you truly ready for something complicated, or is this crush a distraction from deeper issues?
Be realistic about the situation: They're in a relationship. This fact isn't changing soon. Keep your feet on the ground and accept the reality of their situation.
Remember, karma can be real: You wouldn't want someone else interfering in your relationship, right? Keep that golden rule in mind when dealing with your feelings.
Don't let your feelings linger too long: Crushing can be intense, but it shouldn't drag on for months. The longer you hold on, the harder it will be to move on.
Discuss things with them (or not): If you're close to the person, weigh the pros and cons of discussing your feelings. Sometimes honesty can clear the air, but it can also create tension.
Don't obsess over your crush: It's easy to daydream about what might be, but don't let those fantasies take over. Obsessing will only make it harder to let go.
Avoid stalking them: Constantly checking their social media or finding excuses to be around them? That's not healthy. It's time to step back.
A crush is a temporary feeling: Feelings of infatuation come and go. Remind yourself that this too will pass, and you'll be okay once it does.
Seek emotional support from friends: Share your feelings with trusted friends who can help you process and move forward in a healthy way.
Focus on improving yourself: Shift the energy you're pouring into this crush into self-improvement. Learn a new skill, start a fitness routine, or engage in a hobby that brings you joy.
Limit how much you see them: Reduce your contact with the person, especially if you're constantly thinking about them. Space will help you get perspective.
Explore new connections and potential partners: Don't limit yourself to one option. Meet new people, and you might find someone who's truly available and interested in you.
Practice patience and give yourself time: Healing from a crush isn't instant. Be kind to yourself and trust that things will get better with time.

Know how you got to this point

Before you can handle your crush on someone in a relationship, you need to understand how you got here. It's important to reflect on the journey of your emotions. Was it their personality, the way they treated you, or the fact that they showed up during a tough time in your life?

Sometimes, we develop feelings for someone simply because they filled an emotional void. They might have been the friend who listened when no one else did, or maybe they're the person who made you feel noticed when you felt invisible. Understanding the root of your feelings can help you get some distance and perspective. Ask yourself: Was this connection inevitable, or did it happen because of where you were emotionally?

Psychologists often refer to this as "transference," where we project past unmet needs onto someone in the present. You might feel like your crush is the answer to all those unfulfilled desires. Once you recognize that, you can start untangling the emotional mess and find clarity.

Be sure about your personal goals

It's one thing to like someone, but do their values align with your long-term goals? Before you go deeper into this emotional labyrinth, ask yourself some tough questions. What do you want from a relationship? Do you want commitment, or is this crush just a fleeting distraction from your personal struggles?

Often, a crush can feel like an escape. Maybe you're craving excitement or change in your life, and this person represents something new and different. However, it's crucial to differentiate between a temporary thrill and something you truly want.

Take time to reflect on your goals—romantic and personal. Are you truly in a place where you're ready for a relationship, especially one that could start with complications? Or are you just caught up in the excitement of a new crush? Knowing your goals helps you stay grounded and avoid heartache later.

Be realistic about the situation

You need to be brutally honest with yourself. They're in a relationship, and that's not something you can easily change or ignore. The idea of swooping in and winning them over might be romantic in movies, but in reality, things are a lot more complicated. Real relationships come with commitments, history, and emotions that you can't just brush aside.

It's easy to fantasize about a different outcome, but keep in mind that you're only seeing one side of their life. You might imagine how perfect things could be between you, but what about their partner? What about their feelings? Understanding that you're not in control of the situation can actually bring relief. You don't have to carry the weight of “what if” when you accept that some things are simply out of your hands.

When you're crushing on someone who's already taken, you have to remember this key fact: they're off-limits. It doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid, but it does mean you need to respect their relationship and be honest with yourself about the unlikelihood of things changing. Staying grounded will prevent you from getting too lost in the fantasy.

Remember, karma can be real

If you believe in balance in life, then you probably understand the concept of karma—what you put out into the world can come back to you. It's important to ask yourself, “How would I feel if someone did this to me?” Imagine being in the shoes of their partner. You wouldn't want someone to interfere with your relationship, right? The same respect should extend to the person you're crushing on.

Karma doesn't always show up immediately, but acting with integrity and empathy can keep you from regretting your choices down the road. Trying to disrupt someone else's relationship might seem tempting, especially when you're consumed by feelings, but think about the ripple effect. As human behavior expert Brené Brown puts it, “Integrity is choosing courage over comfort; it's choosing what's right over what's fun, fast, or easy.” Your actions should reflect the values you stand by, even when it feels challenging.

Instead of focusing on what you wish could happen, try to direct that energy toward something positive. If the situation were reversed, you'd hope for the same courtesy and respect. You never know how your decisions now might affect your future relationships.

Don't let your feelings linger too long

We've all been there—those feelings of infatuation that seem to take over your mind, day after day. But when you're crushing on someone who's already taken, you have to set a limit. The longer you let these emotions linger, the deeper you fall into a situation that's unlikely to have a happy ending. You might think, "What's the harm in waiting it out?" But the truth is, the longer you hold on, the harder it will be to let go when the time comes.

Crushes are, by nature, temporary. However, the more mental and emotional energy you give them, the more they grow. It's easy to lose yourself in daydreams, wondering what could be. But by letting these feelings dominate your thoughts for too long, you risk missing out on real opportunities—whether that's a new relationship or personal growth.

Set a personal boundary for yourself. Give yourself a reasonable timeline. Whether that's weeks or a couple of months, commit to reassessing your emotions once that period is up. If you notice your feelings are still as intense as they were at the beginning, it's time to make a conscious effort to move on. Lingering only keeps you stuck in the emotional whirlwind, and no one wants to be trapped in that.

Discuss things with them (or not)

This is one of the trickiest parts of having a crush on someone in a relationship. Do you talk to them about your feelings, or do you keep it to yourself? There's no one-size-fits-all answer here, and much of it depends on the nature of your relationship with this person.

If the person is a close friend or someone you interact with regularly, bringing up your feelings could help you clear the air and gain closure. Sometimes, being open about your emotions can help you release them. However, you must consider the impact your confession could have on their current relationship. Will it create unnecessary tension? Will it lead to awkwardness or discomfort?

On the flip side, sometimes the best course of action is to remain silent. Not every emotion needs to be shared. Ask yourself: What is your true intention behind telling them? If it's simply to alleviate your own burden without considering the consequences, it might not be the right move. If you're hoping for a deeper connection or for them to leave their partner, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Whatever you decide, make sure your approach respects their current relationship and your own emotional well-being. As difficult as it may be to keep those feelings inside, sometimes silence can be the most respectful choice.

Don't obsess over your crush

It's incredibly easy to get lost in the whirlwind of emotions when you have a crush. One moment you're thinking about what they're doing, and the next, you're imagining different scenarios where the two of you could be together. But let's face it—obsessing over your crush isn't healthy. It keeps you stuck in a loop of “what ifs” that prevent you from moving forward with your life.

Crushes are intense, but they don't have to take over your mind. Psychologists call this “rumination,” the habit of overthinking or dwelling on a specific person or scenario. The problem with this is that it feeds your infatuation, making it even harder to detach. The more you think about them, the more the crush grows, creating an unrealistic ideal of who they are or what you think the relationship could be.

Take a step back. When you catch yourself slipping into those daydreams or analyzing every interaction, consciously shift your focus. Find activities that bring you joy or work toward personal goals that keep your mind engaged elsewhere. The less space your crush occupies in your thoughts, the easier it becomes to see the situation for what it is—a temporary feeling that will eventually fade.

Avoid stalking them

Let's be honest—social media has made it all too easy to keep tabs on someone, even when we know we shouldn't. When you have a crush on someone in a relationship, the temptation to “check up” on them online can be overwhelming. You tell yourself it's harmless, that you're just curious about their latest post or who they're with. But scrolling through their pictures, digging into their likes, and keeping an eye on their every move is a slippery slope.

Stalking—whether online or in real life—is a sign that your crush is consuming too much of your mental and emotional energy. It's unhealthy and can make the feelings of obsession even worse. It also puts you in a passive role where you're just watching from the sidelines, rather than focusing on your own life. Besides, there's nothing empowering about constantly knowing what they're up to. In fact, it can make you feel even more isolated and disconnected.

As hard as it may be, you have to set boundaries. Unfollow them if necessary, or give yourself strict limits on how often you check their profiles. Respect their privacy and remember that you're doing this to protect your own mental health. Trust me, the less you “know,” the less you'll be tempted to get caught up in their world—and the quicker you can move on with yours.

A crush is a temporary feeling

Here's something important to remember: a crush is temporary. It might not feel like it right now, but these feelings won't last forever. Crushes are often fleeting, intense bursts of emotion, and they can fade just as quickly as they arrive. The brain has a way of tricking us into thinking that this connection is more significant than it actually is.

According to research in neuropsychology, the brain releases chemicals like dopamine during crushes, giving us a rush of pleasure and excitement whenever we think about or interact with the person. But these chemicals don't last forever. Eventually, they fade, and the intense feelings start to subside.

When you remind yourself that this is a phase—an emotional storm that will pass—it becomes easier to manage. You don't have to make life-altering decisions based on temporary emotions. Take comfort in the fact that time is on your side, and those feelings will cool down naturally.

Seek emotional support from friends

There's nothing like the support of friends when you're caught up in a complicated emotional situation. Don't isolate yourself when you're feeling the weight of your crush. Reach out to people who know you and can offer a different perspective. Sometimes, just talking about your feelings can help you process them and start to move forward.

Good friends can provide a reality check, reminding you of what's truly important and helping you step away from the emotional chaos of a crush. They might also help you see things more clearly—maybe you've been putting your crush on a pedestal, or maybe they aren't as perfect as you've made them out to be. Either way, your friends can help ground you when emotions are running high.

As therapist and author Dr. Brené Brown famously said, “We don't have to do all of it alone. We were never meant to.” Leaning on your support system can help you feel less isolated and remind you that you don't have to carry this emotional burden by yourself. Let your friends help lift you up.

Focus on improving yourself

When you're consumed by a crush, it's easy to lose sight of yourself. You might spend hours thinking about them, replaying conversations, or imagining different scenarios. But instead of pouring all that energy into someone who is unavailable, what if you channeled it back into your own growth?

Now is the perfect time to focus on improving yourself. Whether it's picking up a new hobby, hitting personal fitness goals, or advancing in your career, shifting your focus back to yourself can be incredibly empowering. When you invest in your own well-being, you naturally build confidence and self-respect. It's a reminder that you don't need someone else to feel fulfilled.

Think about what areas of your life you've been neglecting while caught up in this crush. Is there something you've been meaning to do for yourself? Now's the time to do it. When you focus on your personal growth, not only do you become more attractive to future partners, but you also develop a stronger sense of self-worth.

Limit how much you see them

This might be one of the hardest steps, but it's also one of the most necessary. When you're constantly around someone you're crushing on—especially someone who's already in a relationship—it's like pouring fuel on the fire. Every interaction, every moment of eye contact, every shared joke just feeds your feelings.

If you want to start getting over this crush, you need to limit how much you see them. Create some distance. This doesn't mean cutting them off completely, especially if they're part of your social circle, but it does mean being intentional about how often you're around them. The more space you give yourself, the more you allow your feelings to settle and shift.

This might mean saying no to certain hangouts or social events where they'll be. It's okay to protect your emotional well-being. Out of sight, out of mind might sound cliché, but it's effective. Giving yourself time away from the object of your affection helps you gain clarity, reset your emotions, and start focusing on other aspects of your life.

Remember, this isn't about avoiding them out of bitterness; it's about protecting yourself from unnecessary emotional turmoil. With time, that space will help you move forward and regain control over your feelings.

Explore new connections and potential partners

One of the best ways to get over a crush on someone who is unavailable is to open yourself up to new possibilities. There's a whole world of people out there, and limiting your emotional energy to someone who's already in a relationship only holds you back. Start exploring new connections—whether it's meeting new people through friends, joining clubs, or even trying dating apps, expanding your social circle can be refreshing.

It's not about jumping into another relationship or using someone to get over your crush. It's about reminding yourself that there are plenty of people who are available and who could be a better match for you. By broadening your horizons, you allow yourself to see that this crush is not the be-all and end-all. Who knows? You might meet someone who completely changes your perspective on what you thought you wanted.

Opening yourself up to new relationships also helps you regain control over your love life. Instead of feeling stuck, you're taking action, and that shift in mindset can be empowering. When you realize that there are other potential partners out there, it becomes easier to let go of the person who isn't available to you.

Practice patience and give yourself time

Healing from a crush—especially one that's intense—takes time. You can't rush your feelings, and that's okay. It's important to practice patience with yourself during this process. There's no set timeline for getting over someone, and putting pressure on yourself to “just move on” can make things worse.

Be kind to yourself. Just because your crush isn't available doesn't mean your feelings aren't real. Acknowledge them, but also remind yourself that time heals. With every passing day, your emotions will become less intense, and the clarity will start to settle in. It might not happen overnight, but it will happen.

In the meantime, focus on self-care. Surround yourself with supportive friends, pursue activities that bring you joy, and remind yourself that love—real, lasting love—comes when you're patient and open to it. This isn't the end of your romantic journey; it's just a chapter that will pass, leaving you stronger and more self-aware.

When is the right time to give up on your crush?

Knowing when to let go of a crush can be tricky, but there are clear signs that it's time to move on. If you find that your feelings are causing more pain than happiness, it's probably time to release that emotional grip. One major red flag is if they don't even know you exist or show zero interest in you. It's hard, but sometimes we hold onto a fantasy instead of reality.

Another clear indicator is if you find yourself constantly hurt or frustrated by their unavailability. Are they giving you attention, but not the kind you want? Or worse, are they playing with your emotions, making you feel like there's a possibility when deep down, you know there's not?

If they are in a committed relationship and give no signs of leaving, it's time to ask yourself what you're holding onto. Staying emotionally invested in someone who isn't available only prolongs your own suffering. Recognize these signs, and give yourself permission to let go. You deserve someone who can give you their full attention and affection.

Commonly asked questions about crushing on someone in a relationship

Crushing on someone who's already taken brings up all sorts of questions. You're not alone in wondering whether these feelings are normal or what to do about them. Let's tackle some of the most common ones:

Why am I crushing on someone who is in a relationship?

It's natural to wonder why you developed feelings for someone unavailable. Sometimes, it's the allure of what you can't have. Other times, you might be drawn to their qualities—kindness, confidence, humor—that make them seem perfect. It's also possible that your feelings arise because they fulfill an emotional need you have right now.

Is it normal to have a crush on someone in a relationship?

Yes, it's completely normal. Crushes aren't something we can always control, and they don't follow the “rules” of convenience. Just because they're taken doesn't mean your feelings are wrong; it's what you do with those feelings that counts.

Is it okay to date someone who has a partner?

Dating someone who's already in a relationship is a recipe for emotional disaster. It not only complicates your feelings but also disrupts their relationship. It's better to wait until they're truly available or find someone who isn't already committed.

Should I tell them I have a crush?

This depends on your relationship with the person and their situation. If telling them might create tension or harm their current relationship, it's better to keep your feelings to yourself. If you believe sharing will help you get closure, do so, but be prepared for the consequences.

These are just a few of the many questions that come up when you're crushing on someone unavailable. While it's tough to navigate, remember that your feelings are valid, but they don't need to define your actions.

Final thoughts on handling unrequited feelings

Dealing with unrequited feelings is one of the hardest emotional challenges we face. It's painful, it's frustrating, and sometimes it feels downright unfair. But the important thing to remember is that these feelings won't last forever. You have the power to move forward and find peace within yourself. A crush can feel all-consuming, but it doesn't have to dictate your actions or your future.

The key is to acknowledge your emotions without letting them control you. Yes, it's okay to feel sad or disappointed, but don't let those feelings spiral into obsession or desperation. Focus on what you can control—your actions, your growth, and your boundaries. Take time to nurture yourself and strengthen the parts of your life that make you happy outside of this crush.

It's also worth remembering that love, in its healthiest form, is mutual. You deserve someone who can fully reciprocate your feelings without the complications of being tied to someone else. While it's hard to let go, doing so creates space for new, better-suited relationships to enter your life.

So, take it one day at a time. Heal at your own pace. When you do, you'll come out of this experience with a deeper understanding of yourself and a stronger sense of what you truly want in a relationship.

Recommended Resources

The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm
Rising Strong by Brené Brown
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

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