13 (Eye-Opening) Signs You're Single in a Relationship

Key Takeaways:

• Recognize emotional disconnection early on
• Communication is essential to reconnect
• Mutual effort keeps bonds strong
• Consider professional help when needed
• Don't ignore your emotional needs

What does being single in a relationship mean?

Being in a relationship doesn't always guarantee connection. You might be physically together with someone, yet feel completely alone. If you're struggling with feelings of loneliness while in a committed relationship, you're not the only one. Many people feel isolated despite being with their partners. This state of emotional disconnection can make you feel more like a roommate than a partner.

According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship expert, couples who lack a deep emotional connection often find themselves drifting apart. Gottman's research reveals that the absence of shared interests, meaningful conversations, and emotional intimacy can leave one or both partners feeling “single” within the relationship.

In essence, being single in a relationship means feeling alone, unsupported, or detached while being committed to someone. It's the emotional distance that often hurts the most, leaving one partner feeling as if they are fighting for the relationship alone. It can manifest as a lack of trust, shared experiences, or even a sense of being unimportant. Feeling this way doesn't mean something is inherently wrong with you or your partner—it's more about recognizing and addressing these gaps before they become an unbridgeable divide.

13 signs you are single in a relationship

Feeling like you're going through life on your own, even when you have a partner, is a sign that something is off. Here are some key signs to look out for to help you figure out if you're experiencing this emotional solitude in your relationship.

1. Lack of emotional connection

One of the most telling signs of feeling single in a relationship is the absence of an emotional bond. You find yourselves in the same room, but conversations are empty or revolve only around logistical matters like bills and schedules. Real intimacy means sharing thoughts, fears, dreams, and emotions. When this openness is lacking, it's easy to start feeling isolated and misunderstood.

Emotional disconnection often creeps up slowly. You may wake up one day realizing that you haven't had a meaningful conversation with your partner in weeks. This can create a void where there's no mutual understanding or support. In his work, Dr. Sue Johnson, the developer of Emotionally Focused Therapy, emphasizes that when couples don't feel emotionally safe with each other, the relationship foundation begins to crack.

2. Lack of physical intimacy

Physical intimacy goes beyond just sex. It includes small gestures like holding hands, hugging, or resting your head on your partner's shoulder. When these simple acts of affection fade, it's easy to feel unwanted or even unlovable.

This lack of physical closeness can lead to feeling like your partner is a stranger. If you feel like you're longing for the touch or warmth of your partner but consistently find that it's absent, it may point to a deeper issue in the relationship. Physical touch is a primary love language, as outlined by Dr. Gary Chapman in his book The Five Love Languages. If your needs for touch aren't met, you could begin feeling emotionally estranged, as if you're living separate lives.

3. Making decisions without consulting your partner

One clear sign of feeling single in a relationship is making decisions independently without considering your partner's opinion or needs. Whether it's planning a weekend getaway, making a big financial move, or deciding on a major career change, when you stop seeking each other's input, it can create emotional distance.

A partnership thrives on mutual decision-making and trust. When this breaks down, one partner may start to feel left out or unimportant. It signals that the relationship is no longer a collaborative effort. According to psychologist Dr. John Amodeo, author of Dancing with Fire: A Mindful Way to Loving Relationships, lack of mutual decision-making erodes trust and intimacy, creating feelings of loneliness and resentment over time.

4. Lack of shared interests and activities

Couples that play together, stay together. When your lives become separate worlds with little to no overlap in interests, it's easy to drift apart emotionally. This doesn't mean you need to have identical hobbies, but finding at least a few shared activities can strengthen your bond. Without this, the relationship can start to feel like a routine without connection.

Doing things together creates a sense of unity and shared memories. If you find yourselves living parallel lives, rarely spending quality time together, it may indicate a growing gap. Shared interests help build understanding and intimacy, acting as glue that holds couples together. When absent, it's like having a roommate rather than a partner, making it easier to feel alone.

5. Lack of support

A healthy relationship thrives on mutual support and encouragement. When you face tough times, whether it's a challenge at work, a personal setback, or a family crisis, your partner should be your go-to person. However, when this isn't the case and you feel like you're carrying your burdens alone, it's a red flag.

Without support, a relationship becomes just a label, not a meaningful partnership. You might start feeling like you have to be strong all the time, without someone to lean on. Dr. Terri Orbuch, a relationship expert, highlights that without emotional support, couples often feel unappreciated and emotionally isolated, which over time, builds walls between partners.

6. Prioritizing your friends over your partner

While maintaining friendships outside of your relationship is healthy, consistently prioritizing them over your partner can be a sign of trouble. Do you frequently choose to spend time with friends rather than with your partner? Or perhaps you turn to your friends for emotional support instead of your partner? This could indicate that your connection is fraying.

It's natural to enjoy time with friends, but when friends become your primary confidants or escape from relationship stress, it suggests there's an underlying issue. Prioritizing friends over your partner can lead to feelings of neglect or insignificance in the relationship. This shift often indicates that the emotional bond with your partner isn't fulfilling enough, prompting you to seek that connection elsewhere.

7. Lack of trust

Trust is the cornerstone of every relationship. Without it, even the smallest of misunderstandings can spiral into major conflicts. If you find yourself questioning your partner's intentions or second-guessing their every move, it's a sign of deteriorating trust. Constantly checking their phone, feeling insecure about where they are, or not believing their words without proof can create a chasm of doubt between you.

Over time, a lack of trust can make you feel like you're walking on eggshells in your own relationship. Dr. Shirley Glass, in her book Not “Just Friends”, emphasizes that trust is not just about fidelity but also about being emotionally honest and reliable. When this trust fades, so does the emotional closeness, making you feel more like two strangers than partners.

8. Contrasting vision for the future

It's natural for two people to have their own dreams and aspirations. But when those visions clash and there's no room for compromise, it can lead to feeling like you're on separate paths. Maybe you want to settle down, but your partner is focused on career adventures or vice versa. Or one of you wants children, while the other doesn't. These contrasting visions can leave you feeling disconnected and out of sync.

It's essential to find common ground on major life goals to maintain a sense of unity. If your future plans are constantly at odds, it creates a feeling of being single even within the relationship. Relationships expert Dr. Sue Johnson suggests that without shared dreams and a common direction, couples struggle to feel a sense of “us,” leading to emotional loneliness and detachment.

9. Unequal effort in the relationship

Relationships require effort from both partners to thrive. If you feel like you're the only one putting in the work, it can be exhausting and disheartening. Are you always the one initiating plans, reaching out to talk, or trying to solve conflicts? When one person continuously takes on the emotional and logistical weight of the relationship, it creates an imbalance that leads to resentment.

A study by Dr. John Gottman found that relationships with imbalanced efforts often result in one partner feeling taken for granted or overlooked. This imbalance can turn into a painful cycle where one person grows weary of giving without receiving. If you're always going the extra mile while your partner remains indifferent, it's easy to start questioning the relationship's value and your own worth.

10. Daydreaming about being single

Do you find yourself frequently fantasizing about life on your own? Thinking about how free or relieved you would feel if you weren't in this relationship is a strong sign of feeling disconnected. These daydreams aren't just fleeting thoughts; they're your mind's way of signaling that your needs aren't being met and that something is missing.

Daydreaming about single life doesn't mean you're selfish or ungrateful. It indicates a craving for fulfillment, happiness, and self-expression that you currently don't have in your relationship. If these thoughts are becoming more common, it might be time to take a closer look at what's causing you to feel unfulfilled. Ignoring these daydreams can only lead to deeper feelings of dissatisfaction and regret.

11. Lack of mutual respect

Mutual respect is the backbone of a strong and lasting relationship. When that respect starts to fade, it leads to feelings of contempt, dismissiveness, or belittling behavior. It's not always blatant disrespect; sometimes it's in the subtle comments, eye-rolls, or a tone of voice that belies indifference or annoyance. These actions can erode the foundation of the relationship, making you feel unheard, unvalued, and insignificant.

According to Dr. John Gottman, contempt is one of the strongest predictors of relationship failure. When there's no respect, it becomes difficult to have meaningful conversations or resolve issues. Feeling disrespected by your partner can be incredibly isolating, leaving you feeling more alone than ever.

12. Absence of conflict resolution

Every relationship has its ups and downs, and disagreements are inevitable. But what truly matters is how those conflicts are handled. If conflicts are ignored, swept under the rug, or met with avoidance, it can leave issues unresolved, festering beneath the surface. Over time, this lack of conflict resolution builds up resentment and distance between you and your partner.

Dr. Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, emphasizes the importance of resolving conflicts constructively to create a sense of security and connection in relationships. When issues are left unaddressed, it often feels like you're silently enduring in the relationship rather than actively participating in it. This sense of detachment can make you feel like you're going through life alone, even when someone else is physically present.

13. Feeling indifferent or detached

One of the most painful signs of being single in a relationship is feeling indifferent or emotionally detached from your partner. It's when you no longer care enough to argue, celebrate, or share in each other's joys and struggles. You may feel numb, as if the connection has withered away, leaving you to go through the motions without any genuine emotion.

This state of indifference often results from prolonged emotional neglect or unresolved issues that have been swept aside for too long. Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, notes that emotional neglect can lead to feelings of numbness, where the emotional spark that once kept the relationship alive has dimmed to an almost invisible flicker.

7 ways to cope with being single in a relationship

Realizing that you feel single within a relationship is a tough pill to swallow, but it's not the end. There are ways to address this emotional disconnect and rebuild a meaningful connection with your partner. Here are seven steps to help you cope and start the process of healing.

1. Communicate openly with your partner

The key to bridging the emotional gap in your relationship is honest communication. It can be intimidating to voice your feelings, especially if you're worried about causing tension or hurting your partner's emotions. But staying silent only lets the distance grow. Expressing your feelings isn't about placing blame; it's about creating an open space to talk.

Start the conversation by focusing on “I” statements, like “I've been feeling disconnected lately,” or “I feel like we haven't been spending much time together.” This approach avoids finger-pointing and invites your partner into the discussion without defensiveness. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman suggests that when couples speak openly and with empathy, it sets the tone for constructive conversations and deeper understanding.

Remember, communication is a two-way street. Once you've expressed your feelings, listen actively to your partner's perspective. Avoid interrupting or jumping to conclusions. Give each other the space to share and absorb what's being said. This dialogue can often be the first step towards reconnection.

2. Reconnect through shared activities

Rebuilding a connection isn't just about words—it's also about spending meaningful time together. Shared activities help you rediscover each other in a new light, offering a chance to create fresh memories and revive the bond you once had. Think about activities you used to enjoy or explore new hobbies that can bring you closer.

It could be as simple as cooking a meal together, going for evening walks, taking up a dance class, or planning a weekend getaway. These experiences allow you to step out of your routine and have fun as a couple. Relationship therapists often encourage shared experiences because they help reinforce intimacy and establish a sense of teamwork.

Dr. Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Therapy emphasizes the importance of emotional connection in relationships. She suggests that engaging in activities together can restore a sense of security and partnership. Even if it feels a little awkward at first, persistence in making time for one another can rekindle the closeness that may have faded.

3. Seek support from friends and family

While your relationship is a significant part of your life, it shouldn't be your only source of emotional support. Turning to friends and family for encouragement and advice can make a world of difference. It's easy to feel isolated when dealing with relationship issues, but leaning on the people who genuinely care about you can provide valuable perspective and relief.

Don't hesitate to reach out for a coffee with a close friend or have a candid conversation with a family member. Sometimes, getting an outside opinion helps you see things more clearly or validate your feelings. According to Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor and expert on vulnerability, seeking support during tough times helps reduce shame and allows us to process our emotions in a safe environment.

However, it's essential to be mindful of the advice you receive and who you open up to. Not everyone may understand your situation fully, and sometimes well-meaning advice can create more confusion. Take their input as one piece of the puzzle, but always trust your instincts.

4. Practice self-care and self-compassion

It's crucial to remember that taking care of yourself is not selfish—especially when navigating challenging emotions in your relationship. Practicing self-care isn't just about treating yourself to a spa day (although that can help too!); it's about nourishing your mental and emotional well-being. Whether it's setting aside time for activities you love, enjoying a solo walk, or getting lost in a book, make sure you're tending to your needs.

Just as important is self-compassion. Being in an emotionally disconnected relationship can take a toll on your self-esteem, leading to feelings of inadequacy or self-blame. Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research, suggests talking to yourself as you would to a close friend. Be kind and gentle, acknowledging that it's okay to struggle and that you're doing your best.

Investing in self-care and self-compassion not only boosts your resilience but also allows you to approach the relationship from a place of emotional strength. When you prioritize your own well-being, you're better equipped to communicate your needs and make thoughtful decisions about your relationship.

5. Set realistic expectations

One of the biggest sources of dissatisfaction in relationships comes from unrealistic expectations. It's natural to want a fairytale romance, but expecting perfection can lead to constant disappointment and strain on your connection. We often compare our relationships to idealized versions from movies or social media, which sets us up for frustration.

Setting realistic expectations involves accepting that every relationship goes through phases, and it's okay not to feel “in love” 100% of the time. It's also about recognizing that your partner is human and will make mistakes. By acknowledging the ebb and flow, you can focus more on appreciating the positives rather than fixating on what's missing.

Relationship coach Esther Perel suggests redefining expectations by focusing on what you can offer each other rather than what you “should” be receiving. This shift in mindset encourages gratitude and understanding, which helps rebuild emotional connection.

6. Focus on personal growth

Being in a disconnected relationship can be a chance to rediscover yourself. Personal growth is not only fulfilling but can also positively influence your relationship. When you invest in your own aspirations, passions, and self-improvement, it boosts your confidence and adds a new energy to your life.

Maybe there's a hobby you've always wanted to explore or a skill you've been longing to develop. Now is the time to dive in and pursue your individual interests. When you're genuinely happy within yourself, you're less likely to rely solely on your partner for validation or happiness.

Dr. Terri Orbuch, a marriage therapist, emphasizes that focusing on self-growth can help individuals feel more empowered and self-sufficient, reducing feelings of dependency. This renewed sense of purpose and self-fulfillment can also inspire your partner, creating a ripple effect of growth in the relationship.

7. Consider professional help

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it feels impossible to bridge the emotional gap on your own. This is when considering professional help can be a game-changer. Seeking therapy is not a sign of failure—it's a proactive step towards understanding the root causes of your feelings and rebuilding your connection. A trained therapist can offer new perspectives, provide tools for effective communication, and help both you and your partner feel heard and validated.

Couples therapy isn't just for relationships on the brink of ending. Even if things aren't “that bad,” therapy can help you gain clarity, deepen your connection, and prevent further emotional drift. If your partner is resistant to therapy, individual counseling can still be a valuable resource for managing your feelings and navigating the relationship more confidently.

Dr. Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a highly effective approach for couples struggling with emotional disconnection. Through EFT, partners can work on creating a secure bond and develop a stronger, more empathetic connection. If you find yourself feeling consistently lonely and unsure of how to reconnect, seeking professional help can be the key to breaking the cycle.

FAQ

How do I know if I am single in my relationship?

If you frequently feel isolated, unsupported, or disconnected despite being in a committed relationship, it's a clear indication of emotional loneliness. Signs include making major decisions alone, daydreaming about being single, or lacking any meaningful connection. It's essential to be honest with yourself and evaluate whether your relationship is meeting your emotional needs.

How can I cope with feeling single in my relationship?

The first step is acknowledging your feelings rather than ignoring them. Open communication with your partner is crucial, along with taking care of yourself through self-compassion and personal growth. If self-efforts aren't working, seeking professional help can be an effective way to address these feelings and regain connection.