10 Surprising Reasons Closure is Crucial (and How to Get It)

Key Takeaways:

• Closure helps heal emotional wounds.
• It isn't always easy to find.
• Asking for closure takes courage.
• Closure aids in moving forward.
• Sometimes, closure must come from within.

What does closure mean in a relationship?

Closure is the emotional conclusion we often seek after a relationship ends. It's that feeling of finality where you can begin to make sense of everything, tie up loose ends, and finally let go of the pain that lingers. When a relationship collapses—whether it ended suddenly or gradually—many of us feel lost, like we're left with unanswered questions. We're trying to piece together why it ended or what went wrong. That's where closure becomes essential.

From a psychological standpoint, closure is tied to cognitive dissonance—the discomfort we feel when there's a gap between what we believed and what we experienced. Without closure, that discomfort lingers, gnawing at us. Relationships are especially challenging in this regard because we invest so much of ourselves emotionally. It's not just about finding answers; it's about finding peace. As humans, we crave understanding, and closure helps provide that.

Renowned therapist Esther Perel says, “Closure demands we confront the reality of our loss and accept that certain questions may never be fully answered.” It's not always about resolving every issue. Often, it's about acknowledging the end and letting go of the need for control over the situation. Closure, in essence, gives us the freedom to move forward without dragging the emotional weight of the past behind us.

How to ask for closure after a relationship ends?

Asking for closure can feel like an intimidating step. After all, you're making yourself vulnerable by seeking answers from someone who may have hurt you. But if you're struggling to move on, asking for closure can be one of the most powerful things you do for yourself. The goal isn't to reopen wounds but to give yourself clarity, to hear the unspoken words that might offer the peace you need.

Start by approaching the conversation with honesty and humility. You might say something like, “I'm trying to understand what happened so I can find peace.” The key here is to manage your expectations. You may not get the full closure you desire, and that's okay. What's most important is that you take control of your emotional healing by seeking out answers and confronting the uncertainty head-on.

Experts recommend you focus on your feelings rather than accusations. Keep the conversation about your own need for understanding. If the other person is receptive, great. If not, at least you tried, and sometimes that act alone can bring a sense of relief.

How do you give closure after a relationship ends?

Giving closure to someone after a relationship ends might be one of the most compassionate things you can do, both for them and yourself. It's about giving the other person space to process what happened, while also allowing yourself to move forward without lingering guilt. Closure doesn't require a grand gesture; sometimes, it's simply a conversation, an acknowledgment of shared history, or an honest explanation.

Experts often suggest that clarity is key. You might not owe anyone a detailed account of every mistake or emotion, but giving someone a direct, respectful explanation helps ease the transition for both parties. This doesn't mean dredging up every hurtful detail or rehashing arguments. It's about recognizing the end of the relationship, acknowledging the impact it had, and offering empathy.

Relationship expert John Gottman has written about the importance of respectful communication even at the end of a relationship, stating, “Offering closure is not about winning or losing; it's about allowing both individuals to part ways with dignity.” This dignified parting can help both parties begin the healing process without unresolved feelings or unspoken words clouding their future.

Is closure necessary when a relationship ends?

The question of whether closure is necessary is complex because every relationship is different. Some people feel the need to have a final conversation or explanation, while others can move on without it. But for many of us, closure serves as a vital step in healing from a breakup. It provides that moment of clarity where you finally let go of the "what ifs" and “whys” that replay in your mind.

From a psychological perspective, closure reduces rumination—the obsessive replaying of events in our minds. Without closure, we tend to overthink what happened, questioning our actions and choices. Closure helps to break that cycle, giving our brains permission to stop the mental replay and start focusing on the future.

However, closure doesn't always come from the other person. In some cases, especially if the breakup was abrupt or messy, you may need to create closure on your own. You can do this through reflection, journaling, or even talking to a therapist. The goal is not to forget what happened but to accept it. Whether it comes from within or from a conversation, closure helps us close the door on the past and face the future with a clearer heart.

What to do when you can't get closure?

Not getting closure when a relationship ends can feel unbearable. It's like standing on the edge of a cliff, waiting for an explanation that never comes. When you don't get that final conversation or understanding, it can leave you trapped in a cycle of confusion and emotional limbo. But here's the thing—you don't have to wait for someone else to give you closure. You can create it for yourself.

One powerful way to find closure is through self-reflection. Ask yourself: What do I need to let go of? What unanswered questions are holding me back? Writing these down can be incredibly therapeutic. Journaling allows you to express the thoughts swirling in your head, and sometimes, seeing them in front of you makes it easier to let go.

Cutting off communication is another way to seek closure. When we hold on to hope or keep reaching out, we stay emotionally tethered to the past. By setting boundaries and focusing on your own healing, you're telling yourself that you don't need someone else to validate your feelings or provide clarity.

Therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab writes, “Sometimes closure isn't found through another person—it's found by accepting what is.” It's a difficult process, but it can lead to empowerment. You get to decide what closure looks like for you, and that's incredibly liberating.

10 reasons why closure is important in a relationship

1. Helps you move forward emotionally.
2. Reduces overthinking and rumination.
3. Provides clarity about what happened.
4. Encourages personal growth and self-reflection.
5. Allows for healthier future relationships.
6. Prevents unresolved feelings from resurfacing later.
7. Gives both parties a sense of finality.
8. Helps to break emotional attachments.
9. Fosters forgiveness, both for yourself and others.
10. Allows you to close the chapter and start a new one.

Closure is crucial for several reasons, many of which center around the ability to emotionally heal and move on. Without closure, we tend to get stuck in a loop of asking "what if?" and "why?" These questions can gnaw at us, preventing us from living fully in the present. Closure, on the other hand, gives us the permission to stop looking back and start looking forward.

Beyond emotional healing, closure is essential for personal growth. When you take time to reflect on a relationship's end, you gain insights into your own behavior, patterns, and what you want in the future. By understanding what went wrong, you prepare yourself for a healthier relationship moving forward. It's about learning from the past without being haunted by it.

Closure also benefits future relationships by removing emotional baggage. When you carry unresolved feelings into a new partnership, it creates tension and mistrust. Closure helps to clear that emotional space, allowing you to enter new relationships with an open heart and a healthy mindset.

5 ways to find closure after the breakup

Finding closure after a breakup isn't always straightforward, but there are steps you can take to help the healing process. Here are five practical ways to find closure and regain your sense of peace:

1. Write a letter or an email
   Even if you never send it, writing down your thoughts and feelings can be a powerful way to express what's been left unsaid. It allows you to organize your emotions and let go of lingering resentment or confusion.
2. css
3. Come to terms with the breakup
   Acceptance is the key to closure. Acknowledge that the relationship has ended, and allow yourself to stop holding onto false hopes. Understand that moving on is a process, and it's okay to take your time.
4. Cut off all communication
   Constantly checking your ex's social media or texting them "just to see how they're doing" will keep you stuck in the past. Cut off communication to give yourself space to heal and move forward.
5. Allow yourself to feel sad
   It's natural to grieve after a breakup, and denying yourself that emotion only prolongs the pain. Give yourself permission to feel sad, angry, or whatever emotions surface, but don't let them consume you.
6. Seek professional help
   Sometimes closure is hard to find on your own, and that's okay. A therapist can help you process the emotions tied to the breakup and offer tools for emotional healing. Seeking professional help isn't a sign of weakness—it's a step toward self-care.

By using these strategies, you can gradually heal from the heartbreak and gain the closure you deserve. Remember, closure isn't always immediate—it's a process, and these steps can help guide you along the way.

Why do some people never get closure?

While many of us crave closure, not everyone gets it. Some people may never receive the explanation or the final conversation they need, and this lack of closure can be incredibly frustrating. But why does this happen? Why do some people never get the closure they seek?

There are several reasons for this. First, some individuals struggle with confrontation. They may avoid difficult conversations because they feel guilt, shame, or discomfort in dealing with emotional fallout. Others may simply move on too quickly, leaving the other person behind without giving them the chance to process the end of the relationship.

In some cases, closure is withheld as a form of control. It's not uncommon for one partner to refuse closure because it keeps the other person emotionally hooked. This creates an imbalance of power, where one person struggles to move on while the other feels in control of the narrative.

Finally, some people never get closure because the relationship ended in a way that didn't allow for it—an abrupt breakup, infidelity, or a sudden disappearance (ghosting). In these cases, finding closure may require accepting that it may never come from the other person. You might have to generate closure on your own by working through the emotional aftermath and making peace with the unknown.

As psychologist Dr. Guy Winch notes, “We often imagine closure as something the other person can give us, but in reality, it's something we create for ourselves.” The more we come to terms with that idea, the more empowered we become to move forward—closure or not.

Does closure help with moving on?

Absolutely, closure plays a vital role in helping us move on after a breakup. When you achieve closure, it allows you to wrap up the emotional loose ends that keep you tied to the past. It's that feeling of clarity where you can finally stop wondering, “What went wrong?” or “Could I have done something differently?” Instead, you begin to shift your focus forward, rather than staying stuck in the cycle of regret or unanswered questions.

Without closure, moving on can feel like trying to swim upstream. You're constantly battling thoughts of the past, reliving moments, and second-guessing yourself. Closure provides a sense of finality, which in turn allows you to break free from the emotional hold the relationship has over you.

However, it's important to note that closure doesn't magically make everything better. It doesn't mean you won't miss the person or that you'll never think about them again. What closure does is help you come to peace with what happened, giving you the emotional space to focus on your own healing and future growth. With closure, you can look back on the relationship with understanding, rather than longing.

As relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman once said, “Closure allows us to free our hearts from the past so that we can invest in our future.” It's about giving yourself permission to move on, knowing that the past no longer has the power to dictate your emotional state.

Can closure be found within oneself?

Yes, closure can absolutely be found within oneself, and in many cases, it's the only place it can be found. While we often look to the other person for answers, closure is ultimately something that happens internally. It's the emotional work we do to accept what has happened, make peace with it, and release any lingering feelings of resentment, guilt, or confusion.

In situations where you don't get that final conversation or explanation, the power to find closure lies entirely within you. This means acknowledging that you may never get all the answers you want but still deciding that it's time to let go. You can create your own sense of closure by processing your emotions, reflecting on the relationship, and understanding that the end of one chapter doesn't define the rest of your story.

One way to foster this internal closure is through self-compassion. Remind yourself that it's okay to feel hurt, but also that you deserve to heal and move on. Allow yourself to grieve, but don't let it consume your identity. By doing this, you regain control over your emotional well-being and no longer depend on the other person to give you that final sense of peace.

As author and life coach Brené Brown puts it, “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we'll ever do.” Finding closure within yourself is a brave act of self-love—it means you're ready to close that chapter, even if you don't have all the answers.

How to seek closure in a healthy way

Seeking closure in a healthy way means taking care of yourself emotionally while addressing the end of the relationship. Closure isn't about fixing things or getting the other person to see things from your perspective—it's about accepting the reality of the situation and finding peace within that acceptance. Here are some steps to help you seek closure in a way that promotes healing rather than prolonging pain.

First, give yourself permission to feel everything. After a breakup, we often rush to “move on” without fully processing our emotions. Take time to sit with your feelings—whether they are sadness, anger, or even relief. Let yourself feel without judgment. This emotional release is crucial for finding closure, as it allows you to truly understand and honor the end of the relationship.

Next, set boundaries. Sometimes we think staying in touch with an ex will lead to closure, but in reality, it often reopens wounds. Setting clear boundaries—whether that means cutting off communication or limiting it—helps you focus on your healing rather than staying tangled in unresolved emotions.

Another healthy approach to closure is to focus on personal growth. Ask yourself: What did I learn from this relationship? How did it help me grow? Shifting your perspective from loss to learning allows you to view the breakup as a part of your personal journey, which can lead to a deeper sense of closure.

Lastly, consider seeking closure through a trusted support system. Talk to friends, family, or even a therapist who can help you process your emotions in a healthy way. Sometimes, closure isn't just about that final conversation with an ex—it's about talking things through with people who care about you and can provide a fresh perspective.

As psychologist Susan David, author of Emotional Agility, says, “Accepting change is hard, but with emotional courage, we can find the flexibility and strength to let go of the past and embrace a future we never expected.” Seeking closure in a healthy way means embracing this emotional courage and trusting yourself to heal.

Recommended Resources

• Emotional Agility by Susan David
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
• Rising Strong by Brené Brown