10 Signs You're in a Complicated Relationship

Key Takeaways:

• Complicated relationships are emotionally draining
• Lack of communication fuels tension
• Repressed emotions often cause conflict
• Honesty and openness can rebuild trust
• Assess if the relationship is fixable

What is a complicated relationship?

We've all heard the phrase, "it's complicated," but what does it really mean? A complicated relationship is one where the lines are blurred, emotions run high, and clarity is nowhere to be found. It often feels like you're stuck in limbo, unsure of where you stand with your partner. You might feel a mix of love, frustration, and confusion, which makes it hard to navigate. These relationships lack the straightforwardness that healthy partnerships thrive on, and instead, they are filled with tension, uncertainty, and emotional roller coasters.

Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert on relationships, often talks about the importance of emotional attunement. When that is missing, relationships tend to spiral into complicated dynamics. The tension you experience is real, and it's draining. A complicated relationship doesn't mean it's hopeless, but it does mean it needs attention and effort to move forward—or end, depending on the situation.

What causes a relationship to be complicated?

There are many reasons why relationships can become complicated, but at the core, it usually boils down to two key issues: lack of communication and unresolved emotions. These are like cracks in a foundation. They may not seem big at first, but over time, they spread and cause significant damage.

When partners fail to communicate openly, misunderstandings pile up. Repressed feelings, hidden frustrations, or unspoken concerns will eventually bubble to the surface. Dr. Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), highlights that emotional disconnection is often the root cause of relational conflicts. When we don't feel heard, understood, or valued, the relationship becomes strained.

Another major cause is a mismatch in values or life goals. When two people are on different paths—whether it's about commitment, personal growth, or future plans—the relationship becomes fraught with complications. The deeper these differences, the harder it is to find common ground.

Repressed emotions: The hidden dangers

Picture this: you're holding onto a storm inside, trying not to let it out. But the longer you keep it trapped, the stronger it gets. Repressed emotions act just like that. We often think that by hiding our feelings, we're avoiding conflict or protecting ourselves from vulnerability. In reality, repressed emotions are a ticking time bomb.

When emotions like anger, sadness, or disappointment aren't expressed, they don't disappear—they linger and intensify. Over time, they create emotional distance in a relationship, leaving both partners feeling disconnected and misunderstood. According to Dr. Brene Brown, “vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” By repressing our emotions, we deny ourselves the opportunity to connect deeply with our partners.

The hidden danger of repressed emotions is that they don't stay hidden forever. They manifest in passive-aggressive behavior, resentment, or even outbursts of anger. To avoid this, we need to create a safe space in our relationship where both partners can express their emotions freely and without judgment.

The impact of un-openness in relationships

Un-openness, or being closed off, is another significant barrier in relationships. When we're not open with our partners about how we feel, what we need, or what we're going through, we create a wall between us. This wall isn't just a barrier to communication—it's a barrier to intimacy and trust.

Imagine trying to build a strong relationship with someone, but every time you attempt to connect, they shut down or change the subject. Over time, this lack of openness causes frustration, insecurity, and emotional withdrawal. You start to feel like you're in a relationship with a stranger rather than a partner.

Dr. John Gottman's research highlights that couples who are open and communicate effectively are far more likely to have long-lasting, fulfilling relationships. Openness fosters trust, and trust is the foundation of any strong relationship. When we aren't open, the relationship becomes stagnant, filled with unspoken words and unresolved issues.

10 signs you are in a complicated relationship

Recognizing that your relationship is complicated can be difficult, especially when you're emotionally invested. Sometimes, it feels easier to just push through, hoping things will improve on their own. But ignoring the signs only leads to deeper frustration. So, how can you tell if you're in a complicated relationship? Here are ten red flags that might sound all too familiar.

1. Constantly feeling unhappy

One of the most obvious signs is a lingering sense of unhappiness. You might not even be able to pinpoint exactly why you feel this way, but it's always there—like a dark cloud hanging over your head. Relationships are supposed to bring joy, comfort, and security, not constant misery. When you find yourself feeling unhappy more often than not, it's a major red flag.

It's important to recognize that feeling unhappy in your relationship doesn't necessarily mean you're with the wrong person. However, it does mean that something crucial is missing—whether it's emotional support, communication, or intimacy. As Esther Perel, a renowned relationship therapist, puts it, “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.” If you're persistently unhappy, it's a clear indication that the relationship needs attention and change.

This unhappiness can stem from various sources, including unresolved conflicts, unmet needs, or a lack of genuine connection. The longer these feelings are left unaddressed, the more they weigh on your mental and emotional well-being. It's crucial to listen to that unhappiness and explore what's truly going on beneath the surface.

2. Frequent fights and tension

Arguments are a normal part of any relationship, but when fighting becomes the default mode of communication, it's a sign of a deeper problem. In a complicated relationship, even small disagreements can turn into full-blown conflicts. You find yourselves stuck in a cycle of arguments that never seem to resolve anything, leaving both of you feeling frustrated and emotionally drained.

Constant tension builds up between you, making it hard to relax and enjoy each other's company. The atmosphere becomes one of walking on eggshells, where you're always worried about triggering the next fight. This chronic tension isn't just exhausting; it's damaging. Dr. Sue Johnson points out that “conflict is inevitable, but destructive conflict isn't.” It's the way we handle conflict that determines whether it strengthens or weakens the relationship. If you're always fighting without resolving the core issues, the relationship becomes an emotional battleground.

3. Over-involvement in personal lives

There's a fine line between being involved in each other's lives and over-involvement. In a complicated relationship, boundaries can easily blur. You might feel like your partner is too wrapped up in your personal life—whether it's getting overly involved in your friendships, decisions, or even how you spend your free time.

This over-involvement can feel suffocating. While some couples thrive on shared activities and interests, others need more personal space to grow individually. When a partner becomes too enmeshed in your personal life, it often leads to feelings of resentment and loss of autonomy. Healthy relationships allow for both connection and individuality, but in complicated dynamics, that balance is off.

Psychologist Dr. Harriet Lerner explains that “differentiation is the ability to stay connected to someone while maintaining your own separate identity.” If your partner's involvement in your life feels more like control than support, it's a sign that boundaries need to be re-established. Too much involvement can stifle personal growth and create dependency, which further complicates the relationship.

4. Lack of real commitment

A lack of commitment is one of the clearest signs of a complicated relationship. You might feel like you're constantly guessing where the relationship stands, never sure if your partner is fully invested. When someone avoids making long-term plans or hesitates to define the relationship, it leaves you in a state of uncertainty. This lack of clarity causes emotional strain because you never truly know where you stand or if the relationship has a future.

In healthy relationships, both partners are aligned in their goals and committed to growing together. However, in complicated dynamics, the commitment is often half-hearted. Whether it's dodging serious conversations or refusing to label the relationship, this lack of commitment can leave you feeling insecure and unsure. As Dr. Terri Orbuch, author of "5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great," notes, “commitment isn't just about being in a relationship; it's about being dedicated to making it work.” Without that dedication, the relationship remains stuck in a perpetual state of limbo.

5. Refusal to communicate

Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship, and without it, everything else falls apart. In a complicated relationship, one or both partners might avoid meaningful conversations, choosing instead to sweep issues under the rug. This refusal to communicate leaves important problems unresolved and can cause a rift between you that gets harder to bridge over time.

When your partner shuts down or refuses to engage in honest discussions, it creates a feeling of isolation. You may feel like you're carrying the emotional burden alone. According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of "The Five Love Languages," “quality communication is vital in building intimacy.” Without it, intimacy suffers, and emotional distance grows.

The refusal to communicate isn't always intentional. Sometimes, people struggle to express their emotions due to fear of vulnerability or past trauma. However, that doesn't make it any less harmful. Open communication is essential for resolving conflicts and building a strong, lasting relationship. If it's not there, the relationship remains complicated and unfulfilling.

6. Dishonesty and disloyalty

Dishonesty and disloyalty are like poison to a relationship. When trust is broken—whether through lies, cheating, or betrayal—everything becomes more complicated. Once that foundation of trust is damaged, it's incredibly difficult to rebuild. You might start questioning everything your partner says or does, leading to constant suspicion and anxiety.

Being dishonest, even in small ways, erodes the bond that relationships are built on. Lies, no matter how “harmless” they may seem, create a cycle of deception that only adds to the tension. According to Dr. Shirley Glass, author of "Not Just Friends," infidelity and dishonesty aren't always about physical cheating. Emotional affairs, secretive behavior, and small acts of disloyalty can cause just as much damage. If your partner is dishonest or disloyal, it's a sign that the relationship is far from healthy.

To make matters worse, when there's a lack of loyalty, it can feel like you're in a relationship with a stranger. You lose that sense of partnership, which is essential for navigating life together. Without honesty and loyalty, the relationship becomes a breeding ground for doubt and insecurity.

7. Conflicting values and beliefs

Conflicting values and beliefs are often overlooked in the early stages of a relationship, but they can create serious complications as things progress. If you and your partner have fundamentally different worldviews, it will be difficult to find common ground on important issues like family, religion, career, or even how you handle money. While it's natural for two people to have differences, when those differences are about core values, they can cause a lot of friction.

Take a moment to reflect: Do you and your partner argue over major life decisions because your values don't align? These differences may have seemed small at first, but over time, they can become major stumbling blocks. In fact, research shows that couples with mismatched values are more likely to experience long-term dissatisfaction.

When values conflict, it creates an ongoing power struggle. One partner may feel like they are constantly compromising their beliefs, which leads to resentment and frustration. According to Dr. John Gottman, “Shared meaning and values are key components in building a strong, lasting relationship.” If you and your partner can't find harmony in your core beliefs, it may be time to reconsider the future of your relationship.

8. Uncertainty about the future

Uncertainty about the future can make any relationship feel shaky and unstable. When you're unsure where your relationship is heading—whether it's about long-term commitment, shared goals, or even basic plans for the future—it creates anxiety. You might feel stuck, as if you're investing time and energy without knowing if it will pay off in the long run. This constant doubt gnaws at the relationship, making it hard to relax and enjoy the present moment.

In a healthy relationship, both partners are on the same page about their future, even if they don't have every detail figured out. But when the future feels unclear or unspoken, it creates a rift. Are you always left wondering, “Where is this going?” If so, you're not alone. This kind of uncertainty adds unnecessary stress to an already complicated relationship.

Dr. Terri Orbuch explains that “uncertainty in relationships is often a sign that deeper issues are being avoided.” If you and your partner can't openly discuss your future together, it may be time to evaluate whether the relationship has a future at all. The ambiguity creates more confusion, leaving both partners emotionally distant.

9. Emotional, verbal, or physical abuse

Abuse in any form—emotional, verbal, or physical—is an undeniable sign that the relationship has moved into a dangerously complicated territory. Abuse isn't just about physical harm. Emotional and verbal abuse can be just as damaging, leaving long-lasting scars that aren't visible but are deeply felt. When you're in an abusive relationship, it can be hard to acknowledge what's happening, especially when the abuse comes in subtle forms like gaslighting, manipulation, or constant criticism.

Emotional abuse creates a cycle of fear, where you feel powerless and trapped. Verbal abuse, such as insults or degrading remarks, chips away at your self-worth over time. In these cases, the relationship becomes less about love and more about control and dominance. Physical abuse, of course, is a clear red flag that the relationship is toxic and dangerous.

As difficult as it is to admit, abuse is not something that can be ignored or fixed with time. It requires immediate action. According to psychologist Lundy Bancroft, author of "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men," abusive partners rarely change without significant intervention. If you're experiencing any form of abuse, it's essential to seek help and protect yourself. No relationship is worth the cost of your mental, emotional, or physical well-being.

10. Repeated patterns of toxic behavior

One of the most exhausting aspects of a complicated relationship is dealing with repeated patterns of toxic behavior. These cycles can take many forms—constant blame-shifting, emotional manipulation, or even the dreaded silent treatment. You might find that every argument follows the same destructive path, leading to the same hurtful outcomes.

Over time, these toxic patterns become ingrained in the relationship, making it difficult to break free. It feels like you're stuck in a never-ending loop, and no matter how many times you promise yourselves that things will change, they rarely do. Toxic behaviors, when repeated, create deep emotional wounds that are hard to heal.

Psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula emphasizes the importance of recognizing these patterns early on, stating that “toxic behavior is corrosive—it doesn't go away on its own, and without acknowledgment and action, it will only intensify.” If your relationship is riddled with cycles of toxic behavior, it's a clear indication that things need to change, or the relationship might be doomed to continue in dysfunction.

How to manage a complicated relationship

If you've recognized some of these signs in your relationship, it's understandable to feel overwhelmed. Complicated relationships aren't easy to navigate, but they aren't impossible to fix either. The key lies in both partners' willingness to put in the effort and make meaningful changes. It starts with identifying the core issues and committing to work through them together.

One of the first steps is to identify the root causes of the complications. Is it a communication issue? Are there repressed emotions? Or perhaps conflicting values are at the heart of your struggles. Being honest with yourself and your partner about what's really going on is essential. Take a step back and assess what exactly is complicating your relationship.

Next, focus on improving communication. Healthy communication is the foundation of any strong relationship. This means not only talking about your needs but also actively listening to your partner's concerns. As Dr. Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, says, “We are never so vulnerable as when we love.” Open, vulnerable conversations are the only way to reconnect and address the issues at hand.

Taking some alone time can also be beneficial. It's easy to lose yourself in the chaos of a complicated relationship. Spending time apart can give both partners the space they need to reflect, heal, and gain clarity. It's not about distancing yourself but rather about regaining perspective.

Finally, ask yourself whether you're ready for a new start—together or apart. Sometimes, complicated relationships can be worked through, but other times, the healthiest option is to let go. It's crucial to be honest about whether you're both capable of rebuilding the trust and connection needed to move forward.

Step 1: Identifying the root issues

Before you can fix anything, you have to understand what's broken. Identifying the root issues in your relationship is the first step in managing its complications. It's tempting to focus on surface-level problems, like frequent fights or misunderstandings, but these are often symptoms of deeper issues. You need to dig beneath the surface to figure out what's really driving the conflict.

Start by asking yourself tough questions: Are there unresolved emotional wounds? Do you feel unheard or misunderstood? Are there differences in your life goals that are creating tension? Reflect on the recurring problems in your relationship and try to trace them back to their origin.

In many cases, root issues stem from unexpressed emotions, unmet needs, or differences in expectations. According to Dr. John Gottman, “couples need to understand the fundamental differences between them and learn how to manage them, rather than trying to eliminate them.” By identifying these foundational issues, you can address them head-on rather than letting them fester beneath the surface.

Step 2: Figuring out how to communicate effectively

Once you've identified the root issues, the next step is learning how to communicate about them effectively. Communication is key to resolving conflict and building a stronger connection, but it's also one of the hardest things to get right in a complicated relationship. It's not just about talking—it's about being vulnerable, listening actively, and expressing your needs without attacking your partner.

Effective communication requires both honesty and empathy. You need to be clear about what you're feeling and why, but you also have to be willing to hear your partner's perspective. This means setting aside defensive reactions and really trying to understand their point of view. As Dr. Sue Johnson puts it, “The more we get stuck in criticism and defensiveness, the more we block intimacy.”

Figuring out how to communicate involves creating a safe space for dialogue. Instead of blaming or accusing, use “I” statements to express your feelings. For example, say, “I feel hurt when we don't talk about our future,” rather than, “You never care about our future.” This shift in language can make a world of difference, as it opens up the conversation rather than shutting it down.

Step 3: Learning to express your needs

Expressing your needs in a relationship is crucial, but it's also one of the most vulnerable acts you can take. Many people shy away from stating their needs clearly out of fear of rejection, judgment, or being seen as “needy.” However, bottling up your desires and expectations only leads to resentment and further complications.

Learning to express your needs requires self-awareness and courage. First, you need to recognize what those needs are. Are you longing for more emotional support? Do you need more quality time together? Be honest with yourself before you can be honest with your partner. Once you have clarity, communicate those needs directly and without guilt.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of Nonviolent Communication, emphasizes the importance of expressing needs in a way that fosters understanding rather than conflict. He suggests using compassionate language, avoiding blame, and being specific about what you want. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I need to feel heard when I share something important.”

When both partners learn to express their needs openly, it strengthens the relationship by reducing misunderstandings and unmet expectations. Remember, your needs are valid, and sharing them is a step toward building a more honest and fulfilling connection.

Step 4: Taking necessary alone time

In the chaos of a complicated relationship, it's easy to lose yourself. That's why taking necessary alone time is critical for both your mental health and the health of your relationship. Alone time doesn't mean avoiding your partner or running from the issues at hand; it's about creating space to reflect, recharge, and gain perspective.

We all need time to process our thoughts and emotions away from the constant influence of our partner. This space allows you to see things more clearly—whether it's identifying the root causes of your conflict or realizing what you truly want from the relationship. Alone time is also a chance to reconnect with yourself, reminding you of your own identity outside the relationship.

As relationship coach Esther Perel notes, “The balance between separateness and togetherness is key.” Healthy relationships thrive when both partners maintain their individuality. Taking time apart gives both of you the opportunity to reflect on what's working and what's not without the pressure of immediate interaction.

Use this alone time to engage in activities that bring you joy or help you feel grounded. Whether it's journaling, going for a walk, or simply sitting in silence, this time can provide clarity and emotional reset, which is often needed when navigating a complicated relationship.

Step 5: Assessing the situation objectively

One of the hardest parts of being in a complicated relationship is trying to view the situation objectively. Emotions run high, and it's easy to get caught up in the day-to-day ups and downs without seeing the bigger picture. But to truly manage the complexities of your relationship, you need to take a step back and assess what's happening with clear eyes.

Ask yourself: Is this relationship serving both of us? Are we growing together or drifting apart? Sometimes, it helps to write down your thoughts or talk to a trusted friend or therapist who can provide an outside perspective. Objectivity allows you to see patterns that might have gone unnoticed and helps you make decisions based on reality, not just emotions.

Dr. John Gottman's research shows that couples who succeed in the long term are able to reflect on their relationship with a sense of clarity and objectivity. If you're constantly feeling overwhelmed, hurt, or uncertain, it might be a sign that the relationship isn't healthy. On the other hand, if you see progress—even small steps—toward resolving your issues, there might still be hope for moving forward together.

FAQ: Is it worth staying in a complicated relationship?

How do I know when it's time to leave?

Deciding when to leave a complicated relationship is never easy, but there are clear signs that it might be time to walk away. If the relationship is causing more pain than happiness, if trust is irreparably broken, or if there's any form of abuse, it's important to prioritize your well-being. Emotional exhaustion, constant fighting, or a lack of commitment are also strong indicators that the relationship may have run its course. Trust your gut, but also take time to reflect and seek advice from those you trust.

Can a complicated relationship be fixed?

In some cases, yes—a complicated relationship can be fixed, but it requires both partners to be equally committed to making changes. It involves open communication, emotional vulnerability, and a willingness to break old patterns. If both of you are ready to work on the relationship and take responsibility for your actions, there's a chance it can be saved. However, it's crucial to recognize that not all relationships are meant to last, and sometimes, the healthiest option is to part ways.

Recommended Resources

• "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Dr. John Gottman
• "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Dr. Sue Johnson
• "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller