10 Alarming Signs Your Relationship is On the Rocks (and How to Fix It!)

Key Takeaways:

• Recognize signs of a rocky relationship
• Identify key factors to rebuild love
• Understand the meaning of “on the rocks”
• Discover tips for healthy communication
• Prioritize actions to rekindle intimacy

There's a moment in almost every long-term relationship where things can feel off. Communication slows down, misunderstandings increase, and you might start wondering if you're on the verge of losing what you once had. If you're feeling this way, you're not alone. Many relationships go through these rocky phases, but the key lies in recognizing the signs and knowing what to do next. In this article, we'll dive into what it means when your relationship is “on the rocks,” how to recognize it, and ways to reignite the love and connection you may feel slipping away.

Understanding the Meaning of 'On the Rocks' in Relationships

We often hear people describe a troubled relationship as being “on the rocks,” but what does that actually mean? When a relationship is on the rocks, it's usually a sign of significant strain, where core elements like trust, communication, or emotional connection have weakened. This phrase isn't just about having a rough week—it reflects a deeper challenge where one or both partners feel unsure about their future together.

Relationships on the rocks are often characterized by recurring issues and unresolved conflicts that create emotional distance. Psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson explains that relationship stability hinges on feeling emotionally safe and valued. When we lose that feeling, we start questioning whether we're truly happy or just “stuck.” The important thing to understand is that this stage, while challenging, doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. Recognizing it can be the first step toward healing and reconnecting with your partner.

How to Recognize if Your Relationship is On the Rocks

How can you tell if you're going through a temporary rough patch or if your relationship is genuinely on the rocks? Look for patterns, not isolated incidents. If you're consistently feeling disconnected, alone, or frustrated, it's worth taking a closer look at what's going on beneath the surface.

According to relationship experts, key indicators often include a persistent lack of communication, frequent arguments, and feeling like you're leading separate lives despite being together. When a couple stops being a source of emotional support for each other, that's a major red flag. As author Esther Perel notes, “Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.” When one partner no longer feels the balance between connection and independence, cracks can begin to form.

If these signs resonate with you, it's time to address them openly. It's a tough conversation to start, but facing these feelings head-on can often lead to the clarity you both need to move forward, whether together or apart.

10 Alarming Signs Your Relationship is On the Rocks

Recognizing the warning signs in a relationship on the rocks can be both eye-opening and challenging. These red flags aren't usually about isolated fights or minor disagreements. Instead, they're persistent patterns that create an emotional rift between partners. Here are ten key signs that may signal it's time to address some underlying issues to get your relationship back on track.

1. Rarely Spending Time Together

In the beginning, you probably couldn't get enough of each other. Now, it seems like being together has fallen lower and lower on the priority list. If you and your partner are consistently spending less time together, it's often a sign that something deeper is at play. Perhaps work schedules are demanding, or social lives have started to drift in separate directions.

When quality time fades, so does the connection that brings couples closer. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman emphasizes the importance of shared experiences, noting that “every positive thing you do in your relationship is foreplay.” Those shared moments build trust and closeness, while the lack of them can lead to a growing emotional distance. If you're not making time for each other, it might be time to ask why.

2. Conversations Are Few and Far Between

Think about how often you used to talk and the variety of topics you covered. Maybe you'd discuss your dreams, share your worries, or even chat about the little details of your day. If those conversations have dwindled, leaving only surface-level exchanges or, worse, silence, it's a sign your relationship could be on the rocks.

Open, regular communication is the heart of any healthy relationship. Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, highlights that communication isn't just about words; it's about creating emotional intimacy. When couples stop having meaningful conversations, they risk losing the emotional connection that binds them together. If you find yourselves struggling to share even the most basic thoughts, it's worth reflecting on what's causing that barrier.

3. Increasing Frequency of Arguments

Disagreements happen in every relationship, and some conflict is actually healthy. However, when arguments become the main form of interaction, it's a clear signal that something is amiss. Frequent fights, especially when they seem to erupt over trivial matters, often mask deeper, unresolved issues. The constant friction can leave both partners feeling drained, misunderstood, and disconnected.

Dr. Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), points out that couples often argue not because of the issue at hand but because they feel their attachment needs aren't being met. These needs include feeling valued, understood, and supported. So, when arguments happen more frequently, it's usually less about the toothpaste cap being left off and more about feeling neglected or taken for granted.

If your conversations seem to only end in arguments, or if even small issues ignite big fights, it's essential to explore the underlying emotions driving the tension. Understanding and addressing these deeper needs can be a pivotal step in restoring peace and connection.

4. A Sense of Emotional Withdrawal (You feel like you've given up)

One of the most telling signs that a relationship is on the rocks is the feeling of emotional withdrawal. When you or your partner starts to detach emotionally, it often feels like a gradual surrender—like you're no longer willing or able to put in the effort to connect. This feeling of “giving up” doesn't usually happen overnight; it's a slow shift where small disappointments and unmet needs add up until they become too much to bear.

According to Dr. Shirley Glass, author of Not "Just Friends", emotional withdrawal often comes from a place of self-protection. If we've been hurt or felt neglected in a relationship, it's natural to pull back as a defense mechanism. However, over time, this withdrawal becomes an emotional wall, preventing any meaningful connection or reconciliation. If you find yourself emotionally checked out or no longer invested in working through issues, it's a strong signal that your relationship may need help.

5. Doubts About the Relationship's Future (You think you may not want to be together anymore)

Having doubts is a part of life, but when doubts about your relationship's future become persistent, it can feel overwhelming. You might catch yourself questioning whether staying together is truly what you want, or if you're both just holding on out of habit or fear of the unknown. These thoughts don't mean you're ready to give up, but they do indicate that something significant needs to be addressed.

Reflecting on these doubts can feel unsettling, but it's also an opportunity for self-discovery. Relationship therapist Esther Perel often speaks about the need to continuously “choose” each other in a relationship. Doubts usually arise when that choice starts to feel uncertain. If you're experiencing these feelings, consider what's truly causing them—whether it's unresolved issues, personal growth, or unmet needs. This reflection can bring clarity, either leading to a renewed commitment or helping you both find the courage to redefine your relationship moving forward.

6. Keeping Secrets from Each Other

Secrets have a way of eroding trust in any relationship. When you start hiding things from your partner—whether it's about your feelings, friendships, or activities—it can be a sign that something is shifting emotionally. While we all need a sense of privacy, secrets are different because they create a barrier in a relationship, a barrier that says, “I don't trust you with this part of me.”

According to relationship expert Dr. Harriet Lerner, secrecy in a partnership often stems from fear or shame. You might worry about how your partner will react, or maybe you feel disconnected and want to keep a part of your life for yourself. But each secret acts like a small fracture, slowly weakening the foundation of trust. If you're finding yourself hiding things from your partner, ask yourself why. Confronting the root of this secrecy can help you make a conscious choice to either open up or address whatever is holding you back.

7. Interest in Someone Else

Having a passing attraction to someone outside of your relationship can be natural. However, when that attraction grows into something more—like a curiosity about what life might be like with this other person—it's often a sign that something deeper is amiss in your current relationship. Emotional or physical attraction to someone else can create confusion and lead to guilt, especially if it begins to overshadow your feelings for your partner.

Psychologists suggest that developing an interest in someone else doesn't necessarily mean the end of your relationship. Rather, it could be a symptom of unmet needs or an emotional gap between you and your partner. As Dr. Esther Perel explains, “Many people who cheat do so not because they're unhappy with their partners but because they're unhappy with themselves.” If you notice yourself growing attached to someone else, it's a wake-up call. Reflect on what's lacking in your current relationship, and consider whether it's something you can work on together. This introspection might help you reignite the connection with your partner or, if necessary, make a choice that feels right for both of you.

8. Decline in Intimacy Levels

Intimacy is more than just physical closeness; it's the emotional and mental bond that connects you and your partner. When you're truly in sync, intimacy flows naturally. But when intimacy starts to fade, it can feel like a piece of your connection has gone missing. If physical affection feels forced or rare, or if emotional intimacy has become an afterthought, it's usually a sign that there's something deeper to address.

Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman notes that a healthy relationship is characterized by small, consistent acts of affection—simple things like holding hands, sharing a meaningful look, or offering a kind word. When these actions fade, it's often not because the feelings aren't there but because unresolved issues, stress, or emotional distance have created barriers. If you're noticing a decline in intimacy, it's worth exploring what factors might be at play. Addressing the root cause openly can lead to renewed closeness and deeper understanding.

9. Constant Worry About Your Relationship (You are anxious about your relationship all the time)

It's natural to worry about your relationship from time to time, but if thoughts of your relationship consume you, it's a different story. Constantly questioning if things are okay, wondering if your partner is truly happy, or fearing an inevitable breakup can create an emotional whirlwind that makes it hard to relax and be present in the relationship.

Psychologists refer to this as “relationship anxiety,” and it's more common than you might think. When trust and communication weaken, anxiety often fills the void, leading to overthinking and insecurity. Dr. Amir Levine, co-author of Attached, explains that those who experience chronic relationship anxiety often struggle with feelings of abandonment or lack of validation. If you find yourself caught in this loop, consider opening up to your partner about your fears or seeking a therapist's guidance to address underlying insecurities. Recognizing and discussing these worries can be a powerful step in breaking the cycle of anxiety and restoring trust in your relationship.

10. Living Separate Lives

When you first entered the relationship, you likely shared everything—from hobbies and interests to future goals and dreams. But if you find yourselves spending more and more time apart, developing separate social circles, or even making major decisions without consulting each other, it's a sign you might be leading separate lives. While independence is healthy, a growing detachment that feels more like isolation often indicates that the relationship has lost its sense of partnership.

Living separate lives can create an invisible barrier, making it easy to feel more like roommates than romantic partners. Renowned therapist Dr. Terri Orbuch notes that successful couples nurture their bond by being involved in each other's lives, celebrating accomplishments, and supporting each other through challenges. If you've noticed that your paths no longer intersect, it's time to ask how you can rekindle that shared sense of purpose. Reflecting on the activities and conversations that once connected you can help rebuild that unity.

How to Rebuild a Relationship When It's On the Rocks

Finding yourself in a relationship that's on the rocks is tough, but it doesn't have to be the end. In many cases, both partners want to make things work but feel unsure of where to begin. Rebuilding a relationship takes commitment, honesty, and a willingness to look inward. If you're ready to take the first steps toward healing, there are actionable strategies that can help bring you back together.

Start by openly discussing what led to the current struggles. This can be hard, especially if you've both been holding back, but honest communication is the foundation of any repair process. Next, prioritize quality time—make space for activities that allow you to reconnect and simply enjoy each other's presence. Small gestures of kindness and affection go a long way too. As relationship counselor Dr. Sue Johnson suggests, “When we turn towards each other rather than away, we build trust and security.”

Consider seeking guidance from a therapist if the issues feel overwhelming. Sometimes, having an objective third party can help both partners see things in a new light and find ways to reconnect. Remember, getting back on track doesn't happen overnight, but with consistent effort, you can rebuild the trust, intimacy, and love that initially brought you together.

Make Up After Fights: The Power of Reconciliation

Arguments are inevitable in any relationship, but how you make up afterward can either strengthen or weaken your bond. In fact, it's often the moments after a fight that reveal the true strength of a relationship. When you reconcile, you not only put the issue to rest but also show your partner that the relationship matters more than the disagreement. This powerful act of forgiveness and understanding helps both partners feel valued and respected.

According to Dr. John Gottman, a well-respected researcher in relationship psychology, “Repair attempts are crucial. They are a secret weapon of emotionally intelligent couples.” In other words, the willingness to make up after a disagreement is a sign of a strong and mature relationship. Making up doesn't mean ignoring the issue or sweeping it under the rug—it's about addressing it constructively and moving forward with a clearer understanding of each other's needs. Embracing this power of reconciliation can renew trust and deepen emotional intimacy, reinforcing your partnership.

The Importance of Open Communication

At the core of every successful relationship lies one essential ingredient: open communication. If you want to reconnect and strengthen your bond, communicating honestly is the most effective way to get there. This doesn't mean just talking more but expressing your feelings, needs, and worries openly, without fear of judgment or criticism. When both partners feel safe to communicate, it creates a solid foundation of trust and understanding.

Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, emphasizes that “communication deepens intimacy.” When we're open about our inner world, it brings our partner closer to us. Effective communication involves not only speaking up but also actively listening to understand each other's perspectives. Being open about your fears, expectations, and dreams can reduce misunderstandings and foster a deeper, more authentic connection. When communication flows freely, it helps both partners feel more emotionally supported and understood.

Prioritizing Quality Time Together

In the busy pace of life, it's easy to take each other for granted. Work, family obligations, and personal goals can sometimes push quality time with your partner to the back burner. But if your relationship is on the rocks, prioritizing time together can be a powerful way to reconnect. Quality time doesn't just mean being in the same room—it's about being present, engaging, and making each other feel valued.

Psychologist Dr. Terri Orbuch, author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, emphasizes that shared time builds a sense of “we-ness,” which strengthens the partnership. Plan activities that allow you to have fun, relax, and enjoy each other's company without distractions. It doesn't have to be elaborate; sometimes, a simple evening walk or cooking dinner together can reignite the joy of being together. Prioritizing this time reinforces your connection, helping you both feel more fulfilled and appreciated.

Rebuilding Trust Through Honesty

When trust has been strained, honesty is the bridge that can bring you back together. Rebuilding trust takes time and effort, but being transparent and genuine in your words and actions helps heal the hurt. Honesty isn't only about confessing past mistakes; it's about making a conscious choice to be open, even when it feels uncomfortable or difficult.

Renowned relationship expert Dr. Shirley Glass, known for her work on trust, notes that “honesty is the foundation of trust.” When we commit to transparency, we invite our partner to do the same, fostering a safe space for vulnerability. Rebuilding trust requires consistency—showing up honestly day after day and following through on promises. Over time, these acts of honesty create a sense of security, allowing your relationship to move beyond past hurts and step into a place of renewed closeness and commitment.

Bring Out the Best in Each Other

A strong relationship brings out the best in both people, encouraging each partner to grow, thrive, and feel supported. When a relationship is on the rocks, it's easy to lose sight of the positive impact you can have on each other's lives. Instead of focusing on flaws or past mistakes, try to encourage each other's strengths and aspirations. Celebrate achievements, support goals, and remind each other of your unique qualities.

Relationship therapist Dr. Sue Johnson explains that couples who “see each other's strengths and encourage growth” create a dynamic of mutual support and admiration. Being each other's biggest fan fosters a positive environment where both partners feel valued and empowered. This shift in focus can reignite feelings of admiration and appreciation, transforming your relationship from one of conflict to one of mutual respect and encouragement.

Conclusion: Rediscovering Love and Connection

When a relationship reaches a rocky stage, it can feel daunting, even heartbreaking. But remember, with intention and effort, it's often possible to rebuild a deep and meaningful connection. Recognizing the signs of a relationship on the rocks doesn't mean the end; instead, it offers an opportunity to rekindle love, rebuild trust, and rediscover the partnership you both deserve.

Reflect on what brought you together in the first place and hold onto that foundation as you work through challenges. Prioritize open communication, honesty, and shared time, allowing these efforts to bring you back to each other. As Dr. Gary Chapman says, “Love is a choice you make every day.” By choosing each other, even in difficult times, you can create a stronger, more resilient relationship—one that supports and uplifts you both, even through life's toughest moments.

FAQ

How do I know if my relationship is truly “on the rocks”?

Every relationship experiences ups and downs, so it's important to distinguish between temporary challenges and a real crisis. A relationship is likely “on the rocks” when issues become persistent and impact your emotional connection, trust, and communication. If you're feeling disconnected or find that conflicts are unresolved and frequent, it may indicate more serious issues. Reflect on whether you both feel invested in solving these problems or if a sense of apathy has set in. This distinction can help you decide if you're dealing with a passing rough patch or something that needs more dedicated attention.

Can a relationship on the rocks be saved?

Yes, many relationships on the rocks can be saved with effort, empathy, and clear communication. The key lies in both partners being willing to acknowledge the problems and commit to working on them. Rebuilding requires trust, open dialogue, and sometimes guidance from a therapist. If you and your partner are motivated to reconnect and rekindle the relationship, then there's a strong foundation to work from. Remember, recovery takes time, but with patience and commitment, it's often possible to rebuild love and trust.

When should you seek counseling?

Seeking counseling can be beneficial when you're facing recurring conflicts or feeling emotionally disconnected and unable to resolve issues on your own. Couples often benefit from counseling when communication has broken down, trust is compromised, or personal struggles are impacting the relationship. If you both feel overwhelmed or if your efforts aren't making a difference, reaching out to a therapist can provide new perspectives and tools. Many couples find that counseling not only helps them work through current issues but also strengthens their connection for the future.

Recommended Resources

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman
• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
• The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
• Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity by Dr. Shirley Glass