Attachment styles are the way we relate to those around us; they are the basis of our relationships with family, friends, and romantic partners. Our attachment style influences how we interact, how we love, how we experience stress, and how we navigate life’s ups and downs. Unfortunately, many of us are unaware of the impact our attachment styles have on our lives, which can lead to difficulty forming and sustaining healthy relationships. In order for us to create healthier attachment styles and better relationships, there are two key changes we should make in our lives.
The first route to creating a healthier attachment style is to gain greater awareness into how we interact with those around us. To do this, it helps to reflect upon the way we talk to others and how those interactions play out. What can you do differently in order to communicate more effectively? Pause before responding. Remark on something your loved one has said, or show them kindness or appreciation. Incrementally try different reactions, noticing how both people feel after each interaction. Similarly, if you notice yourself getting angry, pause and take a few deep breaths to gain composure. This will help to prevent unnecessary arguments, leading to a more positive pattern of communication. Additionally, maintain boundaries where necessary. Establishing personal and emotional boundaries is essential for having healthy relationships. It allows us to be clear about what is acceptable and not acceptable from our loved ones.
The second route to developing a healthier attachment style is by learning to recognize and self-regulate our emotions. Start by identifying triggers. Noticing the events or people that cause uncomfortable feelings can help us to be aware of the emotion, rather than reacting without thinking. Once we are aware of the trigger, we can use various tactics — such as mindful breathing or positive self-talk — to bring ourselves back to balance so that we can respond better in the moment. Additionally, cultivating compassion, particularly self-compassion, is especially important in creating a healthier attachment style. When we practice self-kindness and self-forgiveness, it can dramatically reduce the intensity of our reactions and strengthen our ability to manage and regulate our emotions.
It is helpful to remember that changing our attachment style does not happen overnight. It is a process of developing greater awareness, learning to be mindful and conscious about our thoughts, words and actions, and allowing ourselves the opportunities to practice and experiment. Although it may be difficult at times, having a healthier attachment style can lead to richer and more fulfilling relationships. With these two routes — gaining perspectives and self-regulating our emotions — you can work towards putting yourself on a path towards healthier relationships.
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