Advice for the Uncommon Woman

Excerpted from
The Secret of Life : Commonsense Advice for the Uncommon Woman
By Elizabeth Wurtzel

Have Opinions

It's not a bad idea to be in-the-know and thoroughly opinionated about events occurring beyond your love life and immediate clique of friends. For one thing, it will give your mind something better to do than just be mad at ex-boyfriends and looking for a new one. But besides that, a woman who understands international-or even national-affairs is always sexy. And at this point in the time of mankind, there is simply no excuse: It is irresponsible not to have a cursory knowledge of the mess of the world, why it is messy, and why it is getting messier. If the best you can do is quote Bono's opinion-well, that puts you ahead of the person who can only manage to muster up Sheryl Crow's deep thoughts. If, at a dinner party, you can very quietly explain to some vulgar, outspoken man exactly why he has not a clue about what is going on in the Balkan states-never once raising your voice, always forcing everyone else to lean in a little bit closer to hear what you have to say-all the men at the table will be completely besotted with you.

But, of course, you should have loftier reasons for becoming conversant in, say, the subject of American electoral politics or the critical response to Philip Roth's latest novel or whether art still matters or if Russia will ever be economically viable. You shouldn't become well informed and full of moxie merely as a flirtation device.

Because, unfortunately, if your insights are all borrowed from cheat sheets and parroted from overheard charter at the office watercooler, you will be found out. It is very easy to spot a charlatan. Somehow, even people who are ill informed and unenlightened themselves can tell whether it's all smoke and mirrors, or if you have genuine knowledge of whatever recondite topic you want to make the subject of your expertise and outrage. How it is possible to become interested in politics and culture if you just aren't, I don't know. Perhaps it would be easier to learn to hold forth on this year's Oscar winners or last year's inductees into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. The point is, no matter what you choose to be opinionated about, know your facts, lest you err on the side of alienating, rather than illuminating, your audience.

Be Gorgeous

Obviously, you are born with what you're born with, and even plastic surgery can't change all that much (more on this subject later). But you must make the absolute most of what you have, you must present yourself to the world as the most delicious, enticing, and well-wrapped package you can possibly manage. This rule applies to men, women, teenagers, children, toddlers, and infants of all ages. (Sadly for some of us, it is when we are still babies that we will be the best dressed in all our lives, because we are often showered with adorable little outfits in our first years that are of a spectacular quality that we will never be able to afford or duplicate as adults; but that is that.) While pretty and beautiful are qualities that you cannot cultivate without a little help from the gods, gorgeous is actually available for the asking.

Now first, let's explain pretty, and give a few examples. Pretty is a demure loveliness, a hopelessly refreshing quality, a sweet healthy English-rose radiance without the Gorgonish fierceness and fright that true beauty can emit as a side effect. Pretty is adorable and warm: No matter what Jennifer Aniston does, she will always be the girl next door, she is just too damn pretty. (That Brad Pitt went from Gwyneth Paltrow, who is ethereal and etched like stone, to someone with such hardy, earthy good looks as Aniston is a sign that he has better taste in women than he does in choosing roles.) Cameron Diaz is, feature by feature, perhaps a beauty, but the parts she plays, most especially earlier in her career in My Best Friend's Wedding and There's Something About Mary, render her supremely pretty. Julia Roberts, particularly in Pretty Woman, is perhaps our best exemplar of prettiness. Of course, Ms. Roberts supernatural smile and movie-star glow can make one mistake her for beautiful. Pretty multiplied geometrically can become beautiful. For instance, Audrey Hepburn was so, so pretty that she actually was beautiful.

Beautiful is sublime: Elizabeth Taylor's violet eyes, Sophia Loren's full-figured lips, Grace Kelly's elegance, Sharon Stone's iciness, Julie Christie's rosy cheeks, Deborah Harry's convex cheekbones. You only need be blessed with one such feature to be beautiful. Beautiful is forbidding and otherworldly, and often seems to come in inverse proportion to personal happiness, which is as good as any reason to thank your stars if you are not beautiful yourself.

You may not have any or all of the facets of beautiful or pretty, and heaven knows that you can't acquire them surgically-not even on Extreme Makeover - but you can try to present yourself to the outside world as if, for all they know, you might be Miss Universe. This does not mean you are supposed to apply pancake makeup and chartreuse eye shadow and fake lashes and tangerine-dream lipstick until you look like a drag queen or Christina Aguillera - or a drag queen dolled up as Christina Aguillera. This does not mean you are supposed to stand in front of the mirror primping and prodding yourself for hours each day until you develop excessive grooming disorder. (EGD is in fact an obsessive-compulsive syndrome found occasionally in maladjusted house cats, and involves tearing our clumps of hair, a behavior that is treated by keeping an inverted cone around the animal's neck for an extended period of time; this is not something you want to acquire yourself.) All it means is that you must pull yourself together before you leave the house-unless of course all you are doing is going for a jog, in which case a healthy glow will be all the loveliness that you will need.