Why Kids Are Parent-Deaf

Excerpted from
When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About It
By Bonnie Harris

I recall vividly a conversation I had with a friend of mine about why he always had a hard time loving or physically responding to his mother. He told me that he was convinced that she didn't love him. Since to me it seemed as though she had given him so much. I asked why he had that impression. He said, "All my life I have lived with a very clear memory of reaching my hand lip to her and her pulling her hand away."

I find sadness in how ordinary these stories are. I don't know the circumstance of my friend's memory. Surely there was more contributing to his resentment. But I'm sure the mother at the bus stop was intending to teach her child that she couldn't get what she wanted by crying, whining, and banging on the stroller. She might have purposefully ignored her daughter assuming that she would learn to act more sociably in the future. Or perhaps her mind was on other things, and she just didn't want to be bothered. If the bus had not come when it did, I might have seen her child turn back in her seat, maybe cry for a while longer but eventually stop. To this mother, to many mothers, this would have seemed a small victory. She would have believed that her tactic had worked.

It is likely that my friend misunderstood the withdrawal of his mother's hand as a withdrawal of her love. The gesture may have had a similar intention to the bus-stop mothers-to stop the child from being disruptive. The message my friend received, however, was quite different.

What would have happened had the bus-stop mother chosen to comfort her child and pick her up? Would the child have learned that she could easily manipulate her mother into getting what she wanted? Would the mother have spoiled her by giving in to her demands? Would she be trapped from then on into always giving her child whatever she wanted? I don't think so, but it feels like a risk to many.

I think the child would have felt understood. In her preverbal stage of development, she would have gotten the message that her signals of distress to her mother had been heard and attended to. She would have had faith in her ability to communicate her needs, and she would have felt cared for and important-that her agenda mattered too. Is this bad for her developing social skills? How many of us have memories of, or more likely cannot remember, similar instances in the throes of which we too decided in our childish analysis that we were not loved or accepted?

In that moment, connection was broken for this little girl. The gap widened. There was no abuse-none that we would have labeled as such. But the subtlety of such a small gesture can be damaging when repeated again and again. It is highly unlikely that her mother's intention taught her that next time she should sit quietly in order to get the attention she desired. It is more likely that her mother's gesture led her to think that she was bad for wanting her mother and that her wishes were unimportant-at least in that moment. But moments add up.

Digging the Gap

With all best intentions we dig the gap ourselves. Our intentions filter through our agendas, get lost in the gap, and come out the other end to our child as a different message than we intended. Our child doesn't like the message he hears and turns parent-deaf. We can turn it around by becoming conscious of all the steps creating the gap and send the message we intended in the first place.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to take food into the den? Pick up your plate and take it to the kitchen," Margaret says to sixteen-year-old Ethan. It is anyone's guess whether or not Ethan will comply. The answer lies in the message Ethan receives. If Margaret is relatively undisturbed by anything else in her life right now-has a rather calm agenda-and is just mildly annoyed by the fact that Ethan has food where he shouldn't, and if Ethan is feeling relaxed and holds no grudges against his mother at this time, chances are good that the food will be taken to the kitchen.

However, if Margaret has had a bad day at work following an early-morning argument with her husband, if she is feeling frustrated with Ethan over a recent rebuke, if this is the umpteenth time she has asked him not to take food into the den, if she had to work too late to make it to the grocer)' store-if her agenda is loaded-then her tone of voice and body language will add a great deal to her message. Her emotions will color her request as well. If she is feeling angry, used, and taken for granted, the same words will carry a different meaning across the gap to Ethan.

Ethan could feel guilty and a little chagrined that once again he forgot about having food in the den and take his plate to the kitchen without a fuss. Maybe even wash the dishes he left in the sink. But if Ethan is upset about something that happened in school, is sick of his mom nagging him, has just had a fight with his sister, who "never gets in trouble for anything," plus he's hungry and has a temperament that requires quiet after a day filled with noise and stimulation-if his agenda is loaded-we can be pretty sure he will become deaf to his mother's request.

A gap develops between these two people. Words and intentions get convoluted and warped, miscommunicated and misunderstood. A direction from Margaret might be heard as a request, a reprimand, or an attack by Ethan. How it is sent depends on Margaret's agenda. How it is heard depends on Ethan's agenda. Their agendas affect each of their perceptions and determine the width of the gap between them.

It's All in the Interpretation

Even though the intention is lost in the gap, the sender still expects the receiver to understand the original intention and respond cooperatively. In Ethan's case, if his mother tells him to keep his food in the kitchen, but it gets distorted by her agenda, Ethan might hear, "You're a slob; you never listen; you are incapable of doing anything worthwhile." Ethan will react to his interpretation rather than to his mother's intention. He will likely block what he does not want to hear, become parent-deaf, and continue to eat in the den. However, Margaret still expects Ethan to do as she has requested. She reacts further when he does not comply. The vicious cycle spins. The gap widens. Connection is impossible.

"Well, isn't it their job to listen to us? Who's in charge here, anyway?" is the lament of the frustrated parent of a parent-deaf child. Think about it. Are you motivated to listen to someone who you think is putting you down, blaming, or judging you? When little children cover their ears and walk away, when older children act as if they have not heard, when we complain that "They never listen," it's because they don't like what's being said. They are trying to uphold their integrity. No one wants to cooperate with a tyrant. We do not have to change what we are asking-just the way in which we are asking it.

Clearing Your Agenda and Narrowing the Gap

The more you are able to put aside your personal agenda for the moment of interaction-and thus be more objective, calm, and focused-the better you will be able to see your child's need and point of view. Clearing your agenda does not mean changing your plans, canceling your appointments, and letting your child have her way. It means giving your undivided attention and making your child your priority in that moment.