It can be difficult handling the uncertainly and anxiety associated with not knowing where your child is, and what has happened to them. It's an even harder situation when that child is older and simply chooses not to contact you anymore. Such was the case for one mother who had lost contact with her 30-year-old son. After several years of silence, she wrote in to advice column, wondering what she should do regarding her estranged son.
The circumstances around how and why the mother and son stopped speaking can vary from family to family. It could be a disagreement between the two or something much deeper — it all depends on the individual situation. Whatever happened, the mother in this case wanted to reach out to her son, but felt unsure about how to proceed about doing so.
At the same time, it's important to note that every adult person has the right to choose who is in their life and to distance themselves for whatever reason they see fit. Whatever has happened in the past, it can be beneficial for both parties to at least open up a dialogue and have a civil conversation with each other if possible. The mother asked what she can do to spark such a conversation — should she call? Should she write? Or should he just accept and respect the son's decision?
This particular situation of estrangement comes with plenty of challenges. Acknowledging one's own faults will help give a better understanding of what happened, which can take away some of the uncertainty that comes with this type of situation. It can add clarity to how both parents and children feel and think, allowing them an opportunity to address things that may be preventing them from reconciling.
Reaching out through a phone call or letter can give way for more open and honest communication between parent and child. However, if there is anger or resentment still at play, it might be best to meet in-person. This way, resentments can be expressed directly and calmly addressed, out of earshot from others. Doing so takes strength from both parties, but also provides a safe space for maintaining respect on both sides.
In this case, the reader ultimately decided to throw caution to the wind and sent her son a card as a simple gesture of goodwill. She found solace in finding out about his career progress in the professional world — something that appeased her curiosity without needing direct contact with him. This may not work in all situations, as this solution was tailored specifically to this particular story.
When parents are separated physically from their adult offspring, they need to remember that they can still make the effort to remain connected emotionally, regardless of the relative physical distance each one may have chosen to keep. This can be reassuring to both parties, even if contact is limited.
If attempts to reconnect have been exhausted and it seems like all hope is lost, it doesn't hurt to seek outside counselling for yourself and / or your other children. Asking for help is never a sign of defeat — it's always a sign of strength and resilience instead. Remember that no matter how uncomfortable it may be, difficulties can be managed through communication, conversations and/or therapy sessions.
Parents dealing with similar issues where contact with their adult children has diminished or disappeared altogether mustn't lose heart. There are many channels available today to help reach out and make some sort of connection again — even if that connection is minimal — until reconciliation is reached in the future. That being said, the most important thing when navigating these uncertain waters is self-care - emotionally and mentally - by making sure your own health remains stable during this process.
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