Parenting: Assertive Self-expression

Excerpted from
Sticks and Stones: 7 Ways Your Child Can Deal with Teasing, Conflict, and Other Hard Times
By Scott Cooper

Several years ago I taught and coached a Spanish-speaking migrant student named Gonzalo. Despite the fact that he was as economically poor as poor can get, Gonzalo believed that he was just as good as anybody else in the high school (he was actually better than about anybody else when it came to running track). His naturally assertive way was sometimes misinterpreted by English-speaking students, and I would find myself keeping him out of skirmishes. Gonzalo had an innate sense of a noble birthright that transcended economic status or any other circumstance.

Some kids, like Gonzalo, are naturally assertive from the moment they're born. If your child is one of these naturally assertive people, this chapter will be overkill. Your challenge is probably to teach your child kindness and respectfulness. But many children, because of either their innate personalities or the way they've been influenced by parents and others, have a difficult time dealing assertively with people who are being bothersome. If they've developed a fear of having people get angry with them, or a fear of disapproval or ridicule, they probably won't stand up for themselves. By contrast, if they've developed a belief that their self-worth is based on always being right and not making mistakes (perfectionism), they may aggressively "lash out"-in order to protect their "selves."

Children with these traits can't deal completely comfortably with difficult social exchanges until they've internalized new beliefs about themselves. As long as they don't have a core belief that they're fundamentally good, no matter what people think of them or say to them, they'll likely be inclined to be "walked over" or to lash out in confrontational situations. Either they won't express themselves, out of fear of anger or ridicule, or they'll repeatedly try to roll right over people, in an effort to be right at all costs and preserve their egos.

The middle ground between these two responses is assertiveness: a clear expression of our interests, feelings, and opinions, without intent to roll over others. Again, comfortable assertiveness springs from a healthy core assumption: Your children believe that they're just as good as anybody else.

Until your children have developed and internalized this core belief with your active and conscious help, practicing the verbal techniques of the Way of the Blue Jay can help them deal with social situations where assertiveness would be beneficial. And who better to practice these techniques with than you? For better or worse, parents often represent imposing authority figures in their children's lives.

Script to Introduce the Way of the Blue Jay

If you go and sit quietly in many forests, you'll often hear a loud squawking sound from a certain bird. It's usually the sound of the blue jay. If you're lucky enough to see a blue jay, you'll see that it's constantly jabbering away at its fellow creatures in the forest and telling them how it feels about things.

Blue jays are good examples of assertive self-expression-which means telling people exactly what you want and how you feel about things. Sometimes in life people may be unkind, they may try to get you to do things you don't really want to do, or they may try to keep you from getting things that you deserve. When people are bothering you, the first thing to do is simply to tell them to stop. We can never be sure that others understand how we feel until we tell them. Telling them how we feel may not solve the problem, but it's the best place to start.

The Way of the Blue Jay is learning to tell people directly how we feel about things.

Technique 1: Power I

The Power I, not to be confused with the famous football formation, is a technique that's meant to help your children get into the habit of assertively expressing what they want or what they feel by using "F statements-as in "I want," "I don't want," "I like," "I don't like," "I feel," "I think," "I am," "I disagree." It's a way of helping your kids regain their sense of sovereignty if they've lost it. It may seem obvious that kids naturally know how to do this. As very small children they certainly know how to cry out for what they want in a very uninhibited way-in fact, there are times when we wish they were a tad more inhibited. But as they develop, sometimes people get angry at them when they express their feelings and ask for what they want; they learn that it is "selfish"-and there-tore they're bad-to ask for what they want; or they may find it easier to get what they want by indirect means. They learn that it's not okay to disagree. With no other outlet for honest, direct communication, kids can become very astute at getting what they want indirectly - through playing the role of the victim and using the tools of blame, exaggeration, and manipulation. The Power I is meant to help them get more comfortable in using direct communication.

The Power I is simply using the word Tin a clear, confident manner to express desires and feelings in confrontational situations: "I want you to stop doing that," "I feel bad when you do that," "I want you to leave me alone," "I want you to stop teasing me," "I feel like you're not listening," "I want you to help me clean up," "I disagree with that," "I don't like that," "I feel angry when you say that," and so on. The important thing is for children to get in the habit of feeling comfortable about simply and directly expressing what they want and don't want, and how they feel and think, in a variety of situations with friends, foes, and authority figures alike. They need to learn that there is no need to blame others-since that only tends to create additional conflict.

I try to praise my children on the spot if they use the Power I with me in situations where I'm being unfair or unkind. Not only is it valuable for me to be reminded in those situations, but these moments are very valuable for my children.