How Childhood Experience Influence Parenting

When we look at the relationship between a parent and a child, we acknowledge that it is rarely ever static. From birth to utter dependence as an infant and toddler, to independence as a young adult, a child's relationship with their parents and all they represent evolves over time.

However, when we look at a parent's influence on a child it's important to recognize that this relationship goes both ways. Of course, families have a great impact on their children's development. Yet, children also have an impact on the direction those they grow up in - including but not limited to their parents' outlook of life and parenting style.

The fact of the matter is that how someone was raised often shows up in the way they raise their own kids – for better or worse. This is something we're all more than likely aware of, be it from our own experiences or from observing those around us.

For some, patterns may be repeated more intentionally. Perhaps it was a chaotic environment that left a bad taste in their mouth – in which case, not raising their child in such a way is illogically conscious effort. When it's a conscious effort made due to negative memories or issues dealt with in the past, buried deep within one's subconscious, then it again reveals itself in one's parenting choices.

Regardless of the approach, people naturally bring the parenting styles of their childhood environment into their own homes – whether they act on it or not. Studies show that the way a current parent was raised by their own parents is a large factor in their overall parenting strategy.

That being said, even the most introspective and aware of us can sometimes bring on baggage that isn't productive or healthy. The tricky part here is when individuals are unable to assess the environment in which they were raised and/or are unaware of how it continues to affect them and the choices they make for their own family. People who were victims of emotional abuse, neglect and/or disinterest during childhood may struggle to form an attachment with their child without wondering why and without recognizing that it's influencing their behavior and reactions.

This is why taking the time to look inside oneself and gain insight into one's own triggers is an incredibly beneficial exercise. Someone does not necessarily have to turn to psychotherapy for help (though, for many, it is an effective and invaluable resource), but rather can reach out to sources such as blogs, forums and advice columns to learn how to properly aknowledge, process and move away from the influence of their past. As a product of your own upbringing, you are not doomed to repeat it.

The contrary is also true. Those who had a joyful and peaceful upbringing may later reflect these feelings of contentment around their children. We know that passing on our core values to future generations is an important part of being a parent, although these values are usually shaped by the events, moments, relationships and circumstances that made up our childhood. Projecting this onto your family can be an abstract process, and requires acceptance of either situation.

The issues to be solved, often become questions of "how"; How to move away from the grief of negative childhood experiences in order to positively shape one's own family, how to connect to and nurture your family if unfamiliarity of love and comfort is a sentiment of your past, and how to recognize and share the inner beauty of positive upbringing.

There is something powerful about allowing yourself to embrace whatever it is that created your own unique form of parenting. Sure, some of what you choose will undoubtedly be based on your past, yet other parts of the puzzle may come from having taken the time to reflect and being open-minded to new ideas. Whatever the case or purpose, there's something quite soul-stirring about playing a role in shaping the foundations of a little human's future.

No matter where you are in your journey, it is never too late to reset and start anew. Finding your definition of parenthood doesn't have to be a tight reinvented wheel; it's about allowing yourself the power to find a new path and forming a unique perspective on how to create the ideal home and family. The way someone was raised often shows up in the way they raise their own kids—for better or worse. Fortunately, with consideration and introspection, we can strive to fill the gap between our past and our future with grace and determination.