Father of the Bride

Excerpted from
It's Her Wedding But I'll Cry If I Want To: A Survival Guide for the Mother of the Bride
By Leslie Milk

The narrator in Thornton Wilder's Our Town said it best: "A man looks pretty small at a wedding, George. All those good women standing shoulder to shoulder, making sure that the knot's tied in a mighty public way."

Men don't know quite what to make of weddings. Weddings are to men what football is to women-we can understand the theory, we can appreciate the spectacle, we can admire the effort, but we just don't get the point. Why would anyone willingly invest so much time and trouble to engage in such a torturous activity? What's with the ridiculous outfits? Who made all the weird rules?

The language of football is as foreign to us as Aramaic. If it's a "Hail Mary" pass, why aren't they are on their knees?

The language of weddings is just as foreign to men. The father of the bride doesn't know what a "bustier" is, but it doesn't sound like something he wants his daughter wearing. Why would she want a chapel veil if she isn't becoming a nun? "Fondant" sounds like an agreement between waning nations. He has never worn a "freesia" in his life and he isn't about to start now.

Men would rather play and watch football without us. We'd rather organize weddings without them. Only in the company of our own kind can we cheer, scream, curse, dance around, and genuinely indulge ourselves in the sheer joy of our sport.

What adds insult to injury for the father of the bride is that he not only has to play the game-in many cases, he also has to pay for it.

It is cruel to add further insult by fostering the impression that the father of the bride has a major role in the planning or execution of the wedding. In truth, the father of the bride is like the corpse at the funeral-he has to be there, but no one expects him to do anything.

Some mothers point out that, while they do all the work, the wedding day itself turns into Father's Day. He gets the star turns walking the bride down the aisle and dancing with his daughter in the spotlight.

It is a day when a father's absence is deeply felt. However, one could also argue that, if the father of the bride doesn't deign to show up, any guy in a dark suit will do. Now that independent brides feel free to walk themselves down the aisle, you can even skip the guy and the dark suit.

We have heard of cases where the fathers did want to play a major role in the planning. (We note a strong correlation between men who want to help plan weddings and men who hate football.) Even in these rare cases, said fathers did not want to get involved to the point of actual work. They saw themselves in an executive capacity, approving or vetoing choices once the mother and the bride had done all of the legwork, assembled all of the information, and narrowed down the possibilities. Or they went online to find a whole new set of possibilities that the women should investigate.

Some fathers negotiate the contracts with vendors. If they do, make sure to stress that the object is not only to get the best deal but also to get the best service at the wedding itself. A happy florist or caterer is more likely to give their all to the bride.

The more Type A the father is, the less likely he is to type anything. You need help like this like you need a few new gray hairs. That is why it is wise to discourage the father of the bride at all costs.

Prior to the wedding itself, the father of the bride has a few ceremonial duties. First, he will often be called upon to take part in a very old ritual that is new again. The prospective groom may call or call upon the bride's parents and request their daughters hand in marriage.

This is a rhetorical question. It is incumbent on the mother of the bride to make sure the father of the bride understands this. She must also keep a straight face during the "asking for her hand" ritual. Being privy to more of our daughters secrets than we are comfortable knowing, we are well aware that by this time, the groom has had her hand, her heart, and several other strategic parts. But snicker not! It is sweet of the groom to declare his intentions to make your daughter happy.

Up until now, the father of the bride hasn't focused on the man in his little girls life or, for that matter, the last six men who lasted long enough to be introduced to the parents. After a while, all of his daughters boyfriends blended together. "Was that the psych major, the mumbler, the musician, or the guy still trying to find himself but not looking on a regular basis?" the father will ask.

Over the years, he learned not to get too attached to previous boyfriends. By the time he learned their names, his daughter wanted to forget them.

Hopefully, the mother of the bride will get a heads-up about the hand request so that she can warn her husband.

Few fathers are prepared for the onslaught of activity that follows. First, his daughter calls to announce that-surprise, surprise-she's getting married. Before the father of the bride gets used to the idea of a son-in-law, he is being embraced, literally and figuratively, by a host of new relatives.

Wait a few days before you tell him that he's going to have to buy a new suit.

When Henry David Thoreau warned, "Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes," he was thinking like a father of the bride. Unlike the women in his life, the father of the bride may not see the need to purchase new finer)' for the wedding. If he owns a tuxedo or a dark suit, he is fully prepared to wear it on the big day. That may not be such a good idea. My husband had planned to wear the tuxedo he had worn for 35 years, even though the jacket buttoned only for the first 10.

Even if the suit fits, it may not fit the occasion. The groom sets the sartorial tone. He may choose to go casual in a light suit or a blazer and khakis for an informal summer wedding. He may opt for a modern look-tuxedo with a vest and straight tie instead of a bow tie. Grooms often wear embroidered white shirts called guayaberas for weddings in Mexico or Puerto Rico. Grooms in Hawaii show up in flowered shirts and garlands of leaves. The father of the bride does not have to match the groom exactly, but he should match his degree of formality.

When actor Russell Crowe got married, he wore a knee-length frock coat designed for him by Giorgio Armani. I cannot imagine a father of the bride carrying that look off without looking like an extra from a B movie.

If the groom chooses to emulate his Scottish ancestors and wear a kilt, his groomsmen may be obligated to expose their knees in similar fashion. However, if the father of the bride is not built for a kilt, he can be spared the embarrassment. He can wear a traditional suit.

Sometimes the grooms sartorial flight of fancy will be welcomed by the father of the bride. A couple who chose to re-create a renaissance wedding found the father of the bride eager to pull out an old brocade vest and boots he had worn in his hippie youth. They still fit and definitely fit the occasion.

The father of the bride should also be prepared for the traditional dance with his daughter during the reception. He may want to practice in advance or even take lessons. Nobody expects him to be John Travolta, and your daughter will be mortified if he tries to be. They may just shuffle back and forth to a slow song. However, a little practice will keep him off her feet and her dress.

As the wedding host, the father of the bride often says a few words of welcome at the wedding itself. Encourage him to practice this, too. Hoping for inspiration at such an emotional moment can be risky-and every flub will be captured for posterity on video.

Benjamin began his speech by stating that, "For the past 16 months, I have felt like the invisible man." That wasn't entirely true. We took him and the groom to see the venue before we booked it. He had a say in the guest list, the wording of the invitation, and the seating plan. We invited him to the tasting with the caterer. We asked him to decide whether we should have a trio or a quartet playing at the ceremony, and he picked the instruments.

Another mother of the bride had an even better approach. She gave her husband one absolute veto-as long as it wasn't groom. He nixed the Wedding March.