Child Discipline: Interrupting, Lying, Name Calling

Excerpted from
Parenting Guide to Positive Discipline
By Paula Spencer, Parenting Magazine Editors

Interrupting

Why It happens: Chronic interrupters are usually excited, showing off, or bidding for attention. Some particularly verbal kids just like to hear themselves talk. If the child is accustomed to receiving vast amounts of his parents' undivided attention when he interrupts, and the behavior goes unchecked, it can escalate into a regular pattern for the child.

Interrupting escalates when kids feel their parents' attention is being diverted, such as by someone visiting. That's why kids act worse just when you're hoping to show off to your neighbor how adorable they are.

What you can do: Explain that talking is like playing on a seesaw. You have to take turns going up and down. One person can't be up in the air the whole time or it wouldn't be very much fun for either party. Some kids have no idea what they're doing wrong. Define it for them: "Interrupting is asking me a question or telling me something when I'm talking to another person or working at my desk." If the child is interrupting a younger sibling, say something like, "You're very good at telling stories, but your brother is not going to learn how to do that himself if you don't let him have a turn at talking." If you're the one being interrupted, express your disapproval: "It's not nice to keep interrupting. If you need something, you should say, 'Excuse me.' "And if you're barraged with "excuse me" every ten seconds? Try a diversion, along with a warning. "I am going to give you a cup of crackers to eat. Please eat them without interrupting us. If you can't stop interrupting, you will have to go to your room for some quiet time."

Remember this: Be sure that your expectations for your child are realistic. Young children can't wait an eternity for certain kinds of attention, especially things like needing help with the toilet or being fed. Also, take care not to be an interrupter yourself when listening to your child.

Lying

Why it happens: What sounds like lying to adult ears isn't necessarily so. Until around four years of age, a child isn't really capable of a lie. That's because to lie, one must understand the difference between truth and falsity, and be capable of deliberate deception. Little ones don't really understand these sophisticated concepts. Their whole world is a fanciful place. A young child can't, for instance, tell the difference between what's fact and fiction on television or in books. She may half believe that her stuffed animals are walking, talking friends. She may have imaginary playmates. Because imaginations soar, they often tell tall tales that seem plausible to them. Toddlers and preschoolers are also notorious for denying that they've done something, even when it's perfectly obvious that they did. Are they lying when they say, "It wasn't me"? Not exactly. A young child may wish he hadn't done something and, simply by wishing it so, can convince himself it didn't happen. Again, the line between what's real and what's fantasy is a blurry one.

What you can do: Keep your expectations realistic. By kindergarten, a child understands truth versus fiction. But the impulse to embellish and exaggerate is still strong. It's best to gently point out the truth, if useful. ("Well, there is blue writing on the wall and you have a blue crayon in your hand.")

If an older child is deliberately lying, try to get her to talk about why she wouldn't want to tell the truth. Is she afraid of repercussions? Is she ashamed because she knows what she did was wrong? Talk about why truth is important and how being honest makes a person feel good inside. Tell the story of young George Washington fessing up to chopping down the cherry tree as an example. Still, it's usually worth treading lightly in this area with kids under age 6 as they discover what truthfulness means.

Remember this: A young child's tall tales are a sign of a vivid imagination. That's something to be proud of.

Name Calling

Why it happens: Hearing your sweet child call her friend "A big fat poo-poo butt" can be mortifying. It's even worse if you're the big fat poo-poo butt. Preschoolers and older kids call names for the same reason they swear: The use of new, silly monikers is a thrill. At first, they're not meant to be hurtful; the names are bandied about in fun. Put a group of toddlers or preschoolers together and the pure silliness of the sounds will have them howling. But soon a child realizes that these words have power. He uses them when he's feeling angry or impatient. (Variation: Telling a parent, "You're mean!" or "I hate you!")

What you can do: Don't give the words any additional power by reacting. Laughing or expressing horror merely encourages the behavior. Instead, take your child aside and say, "I don't like those words. Please use people's real names. If you are mad at Sam because he kicked your ball away, you need to use other words to tell him that." Point out that names can hurt someone's feelings; ask your child how he might feel if someone made fun of him through a made-up name.

Respond in similar fashion if you are the target of the name calling, even though it's admittedly harder to keep your composure. Say, "I don't like name-calling. Please call me Dad." If the child is persistent, continue to keep your cool but put her in time-out. A neutral behavior-breaker like time-out helps the child understand that the behavior is socially unacceptable.

Praise a name-caller when you hear her sticking to real names. Also teach your child to tell other children that if she Is called a name, she doesn't want to play with them. Withholding her attention will curb their name-calling faster than if she cries or otherwise reacts.

Skip the old practice of washing your child's mouth out with soap. It's potentially dangerous (your child may gag or choke), not to mention rather barbaric in light of more educational options.

Remember this: Kids are listening, even when they don't appear to be. Avoid calling your boss, your neighbor, or public figures names. It's also best not to call your child by negative nicknames or descriptions, such as "You little rascal," "Messy girl," or "My devil boy."