Why It Hurts And How to Get Over Someone Who Hurt You

Key Takeaways:

• Understand why emotional pain lingers
• Express what you're feeling inside
• Accept the pain without avoiding it
• Seek support from trusted people
• Release the need for closure

Why It Hurts So Much

Why does it feel like every fiber of your being aches when someone hurts you? It's because the brain doesn't treat emotional pain any differently than physical pain. In fact, studies show that the same areas of the brain activate when you're heartbroken as when you physically injure yourself.

There's a reason for that. We're hardwired to seek social bonds and relationships. So when someone close to us causes pain, it's not just a psychological event; it's a full-body experience. Hormones like cortisol flood your system, creating stress, while the absence of “feel-good” chemicals, such as oxytocin and dopamine, leaves you feeling emotionally depleted.

Understanding why it hurts so much is the first step to getting over it. You aren't just feeling dramatic. You're going through something real, and recognizing that can help you take the steps necessary to heal.

Say What You Need to Say

Sometimes we feel stuck because we've swallowed down words we desperately wanted to speak. Maybe you wanted to confront the person who hurt you, to tell them how much their actions devastated you, or perhaps you're struggling to express these feelings even to yourself.

Releasing those words, even if the other person never hears them, can be a crucial step. Write a letter. Journal your thoughts. Talk it out to yourself in the mirror if you need to. According to Brené Brown, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.” Speaking your truth, or writing it down, allows you to validate your feelings. It's not about getting a response from the other person, but about releasing what's bottled up inside you.

Distance Yourself (But Don't Numb Yourself)

Distance isn't about cutting someone out of your life completely, but it's about creating the space you need to breathe. You need to give your heart room to heal. That might mean unfollowing them on social media, taking a break from places or people that remind you of them, or even creating physical distance if necessary.

But here's the tricky part—you can't numb yourself to the pain in the process. When we distance ourselves, we sometimes fall into the trap of avoidance, pushing all the hurt away without addressing it. That doesn't work in the long run. You'll only be delaying the healing process by suppressing your emotions, which eventually come back stronger. It's okay to distance yourself from the person, but don't distance yourself from your feelings. Stay present with them.

Allow Yourself to Feel It All

We live in a world that tells us to “stay positive,” “move on,” and “don't let it get to you.” But guess what? That advice can be damaging when you're truly hurting. Allowing yourself to feel all of your emotions—the anger, the sadness, the frustration—is the only way to release them.

Psychologist Carl Jung famously said, “What you resist, persists.” If you resist your emotions, they'll linger in the background, affecting you in ways you don't even realize. Let yourself cry. Feel the sadness, the disappointment, and the heartache fully. This isn't wallowing in negativity—it's a necessary part of healing.

Sit with your pain, let it flow through you. Don't rush to move past it. Only by processing it fully can you begin to let it go.

Talk to Somebody Who Understands

When you're hurting, it can feel like nobody understands the depth of what you're going through. That's why it's so important to talk to someone who gets it—whether it's a close friend, a family member, or even a therapist. Having someone listen to you without judgment can make all the difference in the world.

Venting to someone who knows how to hold space for your emotions helps you make sense of what you're feeling. It's not about getting advice or solutions. Sometimes, just having someone say, “I hear you, and I understand” can be enough to take the weight off your chest. Social support is a key factor in emotional resilience, and it's essential to reach out instead of isolating yourself.

However, be mindful of who you open up to. Some people may not be emotionally equipped to handle your pain, and that's okay. Choose someone who has shown you empathy in the past, someone who can listen without trying to fix things or minimize your feelings.

Face the Past Without Getting Stuck

It's natural to want to revisit the past after someone has hurt you. We replay the conversations, the moments, the actions, hoping that we can somehow understand where it all went wrong. While facing the past is necessary for closure, there's a fine line between reflecting on it and becoming stuck in it.

Dwelling on the past often leads to rumination, which, according to psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, keeps us trapped in a loop of negative thinking. It's important to face the pain, but we must be careful not to idealize what was or spiral into what could have been. The past can't be changed, but your perspective on it can be.

Give yourself permission to learn from the past without allowing it to define you. Take the lessons and move forward. Acknowledge the hurt, but don't let it anchor you in place. This isn't about ignoring your history; it's about not letting your history control your future.

Stop Looking for Closure in Apologies

We often wait for an apology, believing that it will bring us the closure we need. But the truth is, closure isn't something that someone else can give you. You may never get the apology you're hoping for. And even if you do, it might not bring the peace you expect.

Apologies are tricky. Some are sincere, while others are superficial, offered more for the comfort of the one who hurt you than for your healing. You can spend years waiting for someone to realize their wrongs and ask for forgiveness, but the reality is, they may never understand the depth of your pain. Expecting an apology places your emotional well-being in the hands of someone who might never take responsibility.

Closure is an inside job. You create it for yourself by accepting the situation, releasing your expectations of what someone else should do or say, and moving forward. It's about taking back your power and refusing to let someone else's actions dictate your healing.

Ditch the Need to Be Right

We all have that inner voice that insists we were wronged, that we're right, and they're wrong. The need to prove that can be overwhelming. But here's the thing—holding onto that need to be right doesn't help you heal. In fact, it keeps you stuck in a mental battle that you're never going to win.

When you focus on being right, you give your power to the other person. You wait for them to recognize your pain, to validate your feelings, to admit that you were right all along. But healing isn't about winning arguments or being right—it's about finding peace. You don't have to agree with what happened or forgive it entirely, but you do have to let go of the need to have the final word.

The great psychologist Alfred Adler once said, “The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.” People are messy and complicated, and sometimes, their actions don't make sense. Stop waiting for someone to see things from your point of view. The need to be right is a distraction from the real work of healing, which comes from within.

Practice Radical Acceptance

Radical acceptance is a concept rooted in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), and it's one of the most powerful tools for emotional healing. At its core, radical acceptance means acknowledging reality as it is, without resistance. You don't have to like what happened or agree with it, but you do have to accept that it happened.

This kind of acceptance doesn't mean giving up or condoning bad behavior. It simply means letting go of the fight against reality. When we resist what has already occurred, we add layers of suffering to our pain. We can't change the past, but we can change how we respond to it moving forward.

By practicing radical acceptance, you free yourself from the endless cycle of “what if” and “why me” thinking. You stop mentally revisiting the event, trying to rewrite it or make it make sense. This doesn't happen overnight. It's a daily practice, a choice you make over and over again. But with time, radical acceptance allows you to move forward with peace instead of resentment.

Forgive Yourself for the Mistakes

It's easy to look back on painful relationships and criticize yourself for the choices you made. Maybe you stayed too long, maybe you said things you regret, or perhaps you let your boundaries slip. Whatever the case, self-forgiveness is a crucial step in healing.

We often extend compassion to others far more easily than we do to ourselves. But holding onto guilt and self-blame only compounds the emotional burden. You did the best you could with the information and resources you had at the time. If you were operating from a place of hurt or fear, that's part of being human. Recognizing your mistakes is important, but so is understanding that those mistakes don't define you.

Dr. Kristin Neff, a leading expert on self-compassion, emphasizes the importance of treating ourselves with the same kindness we would offer to a friend. “When we feel compassion for ourselves, we are recognizing that suffering, failure, and imperfection are part of the shared human experience,” she writes. Let go of perfectionism, and forgive yourself for being imperfect. It's the most freeing act you can offer yourself.

Avoid the Victim Trap

It's easy to fall into the victim trap when someone has hurt you. You tell yourself, “I didn't deserve this,” or “Why do bad things always happen to me?” While these feelings are natural, staying in this mindset can be dangerous. When we hold onto a victim mentality, we give up our power and stay stuck in a loop of helplessness.

Being hurt doesn't mean you're powerless. Yes, something unfair happened to you, but you still have control over your response. The more you focus on your ability to heal and move forward, the more empowered you become. Staying stuck in a victim mindset not only prolongs your pain but also prevents you from reclaiming your life. Break the cycle by focusing on what you can do, how you can grow, and what lessons you can take from the experience.

Psychologist Martin Seligman, known for his work on positive psychology, emphasizes the idea of “learned helplessness”—where people believe they have no control over their situation. Recognizing this and shifting your mindset from victimhood to empowerment is a critical part of healing.

Take Off the Rose-Colored Glasses

It's common to romanticize the past, especially when dealing with emotional pain. You might find yourself looking back and remembering only the good times, while glossing over the hurtful moments. This is known as “rosy retrospection,” and while it's comforting in the short term, it prevents you from seeing things clearly.

When you keep those rose-colored glasses on, you risk falling back into unhealthy patterns or relationships. You tell yourself, “Maybe it wasn't that bad,” or “Maybe I overreacted.” But the reality is, if someone hurt you deeply enough to consider moving on, then those feelings are valid. Romanticizing the past doesn't change what happened; it only delays your healing.

Take those glasses off and view the relationship for what it was—both the good and the bad. Acknowledge the moments of joy but don't ignore the pain. It's only by seeing things clearly that you can make the decision to heal and move forward, free from illusion.

Find Your Own Center of Gravity

After someone hurts you, it's easy to feel like the ground has shifted beneath you. You may feel lost, unanchored, and unsure of who you are without that relationship. This is where finding your own center of gravity becomes crucial. It's about rediscovering your sense of self—independent of the person who hurt you.

We often rely on others for validation, security, and identity. When those sources disappear, it can feel like you've lost your balance. But here's the opportunity: this is the time to reconnect with yourself. Start by doing things that bring you joy, even if they're small—whether it's reading, exercising, or spending time in nature. Revisit passions you might have neglected or try something new.

Finding your center of gravity means learning to stand strong on your own. It's about knowing that your worth doesn't depend on someone else's approval or presence. Over time, as you cultivate self-reliance, you'll find that you don't just survive the pain—you grow from it.

Learn to Handle Uncertainty

One of the hardest parts of getting over someone who hurt you is dealing with the uncertainty that follows. You may wonder what's next, how you'll move forward, or whether you'll ever find peace. Humans naturally crave certainty and control, so when the future feels uncertain, it can trigger anxiety and fear.

Learning to tolerate uncertainty is a key part of emotional resilience. Instead of trying to predict or control everything, practice being present in the moment. Focus on what you know now, rather than worrying about what's next. Mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing or meditation, can help you stay grounded and reduce the anxiety that uncertainty often brings.

It's normal to want answers, but sometimes healing means accepting that you won't have all the answers right away. Letting go of the need for certainty can be freeing. When you embrace uncertainty, you open yourself up to new possibilities, rather than being paralyzed by fear of the unknown.

Focus on What You Can Control

After a painful experience, it's easy to feel like everything is spiraling out of control. You can't change what happened, you can't change the other person, and you can't change the past. But what you can do is focus on what you can control. This is where your power lies.

It might feel like a small thing, but shifting your attention to what's within your control can make a world of difference. You can control how you respond to the situation, how you treat yourself, and how you spend your time moving forward. You have the power to set boundaries, to decide what kind of energy you allow in your life, and to choose your next steps.

Instead of fixating on the things outside of your control, like someone else's actions or how they perceive you, reclaim your focus. What can you do today to take care of yourself? What choices can you make that align with your well-being? Every small action you take toward healing is within your control.

Make New Connections

When you've been hurt, it's tempting to retreat into yourself and shut the world out. But one of the best ways to heal is to make new connections. Surrounding yourself with people who uplift and support you can provide a much-needed sense of belonging and comfort.

That doesn't mean jumping into new relationships right away, but it does mean allowing yourself to be open to new experiences and people. Reconnect with friends you may have drifted from, or seek out communities that share your interests. Whether it's through a hobby, a class, or even an online group, making new connections can remind you that there's more to life than the pain you've been through.

Building new connections helps you create a support system that isn't tied to the person who hurt you. It allows you to rediscover the joy of shared experiences and reminds you that you're not alone in this journey. With every new connection, you're reinforcing your resilience and expanding your world beyond the hurt.

Leave Revenge to Time

When someone hurts you deeply, the desire for revenge can be overwhelming. You might fantasize about ways to make them feel the same pain they inflicted on you. But here's the harsh truth: seeking revenge doesn't heal you. It keeps you trapped in the hurt, tied to the very person you're trying to move away from.

Time has a way of evening things out. Life unfolds in ways we can't always predict, and more often than not, people who act poorly eventually face the consequences of their actions. Instead of wasting your energy on revenge, focus on healing yourself. Let life take care of the rest.

It might not feel satisfying in the moment, but the peace that comes from moving forward far outweighs any temporary satisfaction revenge might bring. Remember, the best “revenge” is living a life free from bitterness and pain. Channel your energy into growth, not grudges.

The Power of Moving Forward

There's immense power in choosing to move forward, even when the hurt is still fresh. It doesn't mean forgetting what happened or pretending it didn't hurt; it means making the decision that your future deserves more than being stuck in the past.

Moving forward is about reclaiming your narrative. You're no longer just the person who was hurt; you're the person who learned, who grew, and who is stronger for it. With each step forward, you prove to yourself that your happiness doesn't depend on someone else's actions. It's something you create for yourself.

Moving forward isn't just about getting over someone who hurt you—it's about stepping into a new chapter of your life. One where you're in control, you're healing, and you're focused on your own well-being. It's a powerful, transformative choice, and it's one you make every single day.

Recommended Resources

• Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha by Tara Brach
• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
• Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Dr. Kristin Neff