15 Things You Should Never Tell Your Therapist (and Why)

Key Takeaways:

• Be honest but stay focused.
• Avoid small talk distractions.
• Don't confess romantic feelings.
• Never lie or mislead your therapist.
• Express emotions without guilt.

Should You Be Totally Honest with Your Therapist?

When you step into your therapist's office, honesty is the foundation of trust. But being honest doesn't mean you have to overshare every detail or unfiltered thought. Think of therapy as a space to peel back the layers of your life—at your own pace.

It's essential to remember that the goal of therapy isn't to get things off your chest in a way that overwhelms or derails the conversation. Instead, we aim to bring out what's truly affecting our emotions, behaviors, or relationships. Honesty is crucial, but it's about being honest with intention.

Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert, once stated, “Trust is built in very small moments.” In therapy, every piece of honesty you share contributes to that trust. If there's a fear of judgment or even shame in discussing a particular topic, it's okay to acknowledge that fear. A skilled therapist will help you explore it in a safe and supportive way. Remember, this space is for your healing, not your judgment.

Can You Tell Your Therapist Everything?

At first glance, therapy might feel like a space where you can, and should, share everything. And in many ways, it is. We encourage full transparency, but that doesn't mean you should voice every fleeting thought. The reality is that not everything you think or feel needs to be processed in the same way.

If something feels important, your therapist will help you make sense of it. However, some boundaries are necessary to maintain the professional integrity of your therapeutic relationship. For instance, confessing feelings of romantic love towards your therapist crosses an emotional line that can disrupt progress.

Our conversations with a therapist should be based on honesty but balanced by respect for the process. Always ask yourself: is what I'm about to share relevant to my healing journey, or am I seeking validation or distraction? If you can answer that question, you're already on the right path.

What You Should Never Tell Your Therapist: 15 Things

Therapy can be a transformative experience, but it works best when certain boundaries and guidelines are respected. There are things you might feel compelled to say that, in reality, could derail your progress or the relationship you have with your therapist. Below, we'll explore 15 things you should avoid telling your therapist and the reasoning behind each one. This isn't about holding back the truth, but about recognizing what's constructive versus what may hinder your journey.

1. Don't Tell Lies

It might seem obvious, but lying to your therapist is a common mistake. Whether it's downplaying emotions, exaggerating circumstances, or omitting key details, dishonesty disrupts the core purpose of therapy. A relationship built on half-truths lacks the foundation needed for growth and healing.

Imagine you're working on a complex puzzle. If you give your therapist misleading pieces, the picture they're trying to help you see becomes distorted. Lies aren't just about misleading your therapist; they're also about deceiving yourself. Even the smallest fabrications can create a distance between who you are and who you're trying to become.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Terri Orbuch explains, “Dishonesty prevents us from confronting the uncomfortable truths that often hold the key to transformation.” Therapy isn't about being perfect; it's about being real, with all your flaws, fears, and hopes laid out honestly.

2. Don't Share Complaints about Your Previous Therapist

We've all had relationships—whether personal or professional—that didn't end on the best note. When it comes to therapy, speaking negatively about a past therapist in your current sessions might seem like venting, but it creates an unnecessary barrier. Your new therapist is there to support and understand you, not to compete or prove themselves better than your past experiences.

When we focus on complaints, we're putting up walls instead of opening doors to new insights. This can inadvertently frame the new therapeutic relationship as adversarial rather than collaborative. If something significant happened with a previous therapist, it's okay to mention it briefly. However, dwelling on grievances takes away from what matters now: your current growth and healing.

Think of your new therapist as a partner in this journey. Approach each session with curiosity and openness, and remember, it's about building a fresh start rather than comparing scars from the past.

3. Don't Say That You Want to Be Friends

Your therapist might be the warmest, most understanding person you've met. They might remember details about your life, cheer for your victories, and help you navigate through some of the toughest moments. It's natural to feel connected to them. However, therapy is a professional relationship with specific boundaries to protect your progress and emotional well-being.

Telling your therapist that you want to be friends after therapy ends might come from a place of genuine admiration, but it puts your therapist in an uncomfortable position. It also shifts the focus away from you and your healing journey. A therapist's role is not to be a friend; their goal is to help you achieve clarity, self-awareness, and healing.

As tempting as it may be to bridge that connection, it's essential to honor the professional boundary. By keeping that line clear, you allow the therapeutic process to stay focused on what you need to work through and explore.

4. Avoid Telling Half Truths

We've all been guilty of telling half-truths—those little omissions or slight distortions we use to paint ourselves in a better light or avoid uncomfortable conversations. In therapy, these half-truths can be as detrimental as outright lies. They disrupt the authentic narrative and can lead your therapist down paths that aren't relevant to your core issues.

Consider this: Your therapist is like a guide trying to help you navigate a complex landscape. If you leave out critical parts of the map, it's impossible for them to direct you effectively. Telling half-truths usually stems from a fear of judgment or shame, but the reality is that therapists are trained to handle difficult truths without passing judgment. They're not there to criticize you; they're there to help you make sense of your story, flaws and all.

As Dr. Brené Brown emphasizes, “Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.” By choosing to speak the full truth, you take away the shame's power and open up pathways to true healing and understanding.

5. Don't Tell Them You Just Want a Prescription

Therapists and psychiatrists often work in tandem, but their roles are not the same. Walking into a therapist's office and outright saying, “I just need a prescription,” shifts the purpose of the visit and minimizes the therapeutic relationship to a transactional interaction.

Therapy is about exploring underlying issues, identifying unhealthy patterns, and fostering emotional growth. When you approach therapy solely with the goal of obtaining medication, you may overlook the opportunity to tackle the root causes of your struggles. Medications can be a helpful tool, but they're only one part of a comprehensive approach to mental health.

It's okay to be open about what you think you need, but keep in mind that therapists are more than gatekeepers to prescriptions. They're there to support you holistically, offering insights, techniques, and coping strategies that can create lasting change.

6. Avoid Telling Your Therapist to Fix You

It's easy to feel broken when life becomes overwhelming. You might walk into therapy thinking, “Please, just fix me.” But here's the truth: therapy isn't about someone else fixing you. It's about you discovering your own power to heal and change.

When we tell a therapist to “fix” us, we're inadvertently placing all the responsibility on them while disconnecting from our own agency. This mindset is a barrier because true change only happens when we actively engage in the process. Therapists are not magicians—they can't wave a wand to make everything better. What they can do is help you explore patterns, recognize obstacles, and discover your own resilience.

Author and therapist Dr. Nicole LePera emphasizes, “Healing is not an overnight process; it is a daily cleansing of pain, it is a daily healing of your life.” That means therapy is collaborative work. Your therapist is a guide, but you are the one steering the ship.

7. Resist the Urge to Use Small Talk to Avoid Your Real Concerns

Small talk is often our go-to way of filling uncomfortable silences. In everyday conversations, it serves a purpose: it keeps things light and socially comfortable. But in therapy, small talk can be a way of dancing around the real issues—those deeper concerns that need addressing.

When you're tempted to chat about weekend plans, the weather, or even what your neighbor did last night, ask yourself why. Are you avoiding something? Are you scared of where a more genuine conversation might lead?

Therapists understand this urge, and it's okay to start slow. But it's crucial to catch yourself and redirect the conversation back to the heart of why you're in therapy. Silence can feel heavy, but that's often where the real breakthroughs happen.

The goal isn't to dive into the deepest parts of yourself instantly, but rather to build a space where you're comfortable doing so. And yes, it's normal to feel the need for small talk to break the ice, but let's not let it overshadow the real work.

8. Never Make Fun of Other People Based on Gender, Culture, or Sexual Orientation

Therapy should be a safe space for everyone, including your therapist. Making jokes or negative remarks about others based on gender, culture, or sexual orientation not only creates discomfort but also reveals underlying biases that need addressing. Your therapist is trained to help you unpack these attitudes, but that work can't begin if the environment becomes hostile or judgmental.

It's okay to acknowledge prejudices and work through them; in fact, that's what therapy is for. But making fun of others creates a barrier between you and your therapist, who is there to cultivate empathy, understanding, and growth. Respect is essential in any relationship, and the therapeutic space is no exception. You're there to open up, but in a way that fosters mutual respect and emotional safety.

Therapist and author Lori Gottlieb once said, “Our stories aren't meant to keep others out—they're meant to bring them in.” Let your therapy be a space for inclusion and understanding, not division.

9. Never Confess Your Love

It's not uncommon to develop warm feelings towards a therapist who genuinely listens, empathizes, and cares about your progress. This connection might even feel like love, but it's crucial to differentiate between therapeutic empathy and romantic attachment. The nature of a therapist-client relationship is unique, and it's designed with specific boundaries to ensure your emotional safety.

Confessing feelings of romantic love to your therapist can complicate this relationship and disrupt the therapeutic process. If these feelings arise, acknowledge them to yourself, but try to understand where they're coming from. Often, this is called “transference,” a psychological phenomenon where emotions or feelings towards another person are redirected to your therapist. It's a normal part of therapy, but it needs to be handled thoughtfully.

Your therapist can help you explore these feelings without acting on them. By maintaining boundaries, you allow the therapeutic space to continue being a place for growth, healing, and genuine self-discovery.

10. Don't Talk about Other Clients

Your therapist works with many people, but each relationship they build is confidential. You might be tempted to ask about or comment on another client—especially if it's someone you know or suspect they also see—but doing so can harm the professional boundaries your therapist is committed to upholding.

Bringing up other clients shifts the focus from your personal journey to speculation and comparison. Your sessions are meant to be a sanctuary where you can explore your feelings and experiences without external distractions. If curiosity or jealousy surfaces, it's more productive to explore why these feelings are coming up instead of fixating on another client's progress.

Your therapist is there to support you, not to share the private details of others. Let the space remain about your growth, and embrace the confidentiality that allows for deeper exploration without distractions or comparisons.

11. Avoid Telling Your Therapist That Therapy Isn't Going to Work for You

It's not unusual to feel skeptical about therapy at first. For many of us, it takes time to warm up to the process or to see tangible results. However, telling your therapist outright that “therapy isn't going to work for me” sets up a roadblock before the journey even begins.

When you express this belief, it's like declaring failure before you've even taken the first step. It may be that past experiences with therapy didn't yield the results you hoped for, or perhaps there's a deeper resistance to being vulnerable. But keep in mind that therapy isn't magic; it's a process that takes effort and trust from both sides.

Instead of shutting down the possibility of success, try to approach therapy with an open mind. Express your concerns, but also leave room for growth and discovery. Your therapist can only meet you halfway—your willingness to engage fully is what completes the other half of the equation.

12. Don't Apologize for Talking About Yourself

Therapy is your space to explore your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. But many of us are so conditioned to prioritize others that we end up feeling guilty about focusing on ourselves. You might catch yourself saying, “I'm sorry, I'm talking too much about myself,” or, “I feel like I'm being selfish.” Let me stop you right there: therapy is the one place where talking about yourself is not only allowed, it's encouraged.

Apologizing for discussing your life creates an unnecessary barrier and diminishes your sense of self-worth. It's not selfish to want to understand yourself better or to find ways to heal. In fact, Dr. Kristin Neff, an expert in self-compassion, emphasizes that valuing ourselves is essential to living a balanced life. Therapy is your dedicated time to reflect on who you are and who you want to become.

If you apologize each time you speak about yourself, you're subtly telling yourself that your voice doesn't matter. But the truth is, it does matter, and you deserve this space to be heard and understood.

13. Never Apologize for Emotions

Let's get one thing straight: emotions aren't wrong. They're not something to be embarrassed about or to hide away. Yet so many of us are quick to say, “I'm sorry for crying,” or, “I'm sorry for getting angry.” In therapy, emotions are like road signs pointing towards deeper truths. Ignoring or apologizing for them would be like ignoring a flashing red light on the highway.

It's important to let emotions flow without judging yourself for having them. Your therapist is there to create a safe space for these moments, not to critique them. When you apologize for crying or being upset, you're essentially saying that your feelings aren't valid. But in therapy, every emotion has a place, and acknowledging them is a vital part of your healing journey.

As the renowned psychologist Carl Rogers once put it, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Emotions are not roadblocks; they're pathways to deeper understanding and acceptance.

14. Avoid Just Sticking to the Facts

It's common to feel safer sticking to facts during a therapy session. You might be inclined to recount events in a matter-of-fact way: “This happened, then that happened,” without diving into how those events made you feel. However, therapy isn't just about what happened, but how it impacted you emotionally.

When you only focus on facts, you're skimming the surface of your experiences. Real growth happens when we allow ourselves to reflect on what those facts mean to us—how they affected our thoughts, emotions, and perceptions. It's not just about what happened, but why it mattered.

Think of therapy as a journey where facts are the roads, but your feelings are the destinations. Without exploring the emotional significance, you risk missing the core insights that lead to healing.

15. Don't Be Brutally Honest About Certain Topics

We value honesty in therapy, but there's a difference between being authentic and being brutally honest. Brutal honesty can sometimes be a way to lash out or hurt rather than heal. If there are grievances or frustrations with your therapist, expressing them constructively is key.

For example, if you feel like your therapist isn't understanding your needs, it's okay to communicate that, but in a way that's focused on improvement rather than blame. Brutal honesty without consideration for the other person's feelings can damage the trust in your therapeutic relationship.

As the author Marshall Rosenberg, creator of Nonviolent Communication, wisely said, “What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart.” In therapy, honesty should aim for understanding and collaboration, not just blunt criticism.

Tips for How to Behave When Working with Your Therapist

Therapy isn't just about showing up; it's about actively engaging and building a healthy, trusting relationship with your therapist. Here are some practical tips to help you get the most out of your sessions:

• Be open and curious. Go into each session with an open mind and a willingness to explore new perspectives. Curiosity will help you approach challenges with less resistance.
• Respect boundaries. Remember that your therapist is a professional, and their role is to guide and support—not to become your friend or confidant outside of sessions.
• Give feedback. If something isn't working, don't be afraid to speak up. A good therapist will appreciate your honesty and adapt to better support you.
• Stay committed. Progress takes time. Keep showing up even if it feels uncomfortable or if change isn't immediate. Consistency is key to creating lasting change.

FAQ: Common Concerns about Therapy Sessions

What if I feel like my therapist is judging me?

It's natural to worry about being judged, especially when you're opening up about vulnerable experiences. But remember, therapists are trained to approach every situation with empathy and understanding. If you do feel judged, it's worth bringing up in the session. A good therapist will be willing to address and clarify any misunderstandings.

Can I ask my therapist personal questions?

It's okay to be curious about the person you're sharing so much of your life with, but it's essential to maintain boundaries. While a therapist might share small, relevant details to build rapport, most of the time they'll keep their personal life private. The focus should remain on you and your journey.

How do I know if therapy is working?

Therapy is working if you notice gradual shifts in your perspective, coping skills, or emotional responses. Sometimes, these changes are subtle—like feeling slightly less overwhelmed by a recurring problem. It's not about an immediate fix, but rather about a slow and steady transformation.

Recommended Resources

• The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown – A powerful book on self-acceptance and embracing vulnerability.
• Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg – A practical guide to communicating with empathy and honesty.
• Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb – A compassionate exploration of therapy from both sides of the couch.