Shocking Truths About When Narcissists Come Back (and Why)

Key Takeaways:

• Narcissists crave control and attention.
• No contact may provoke their return.
• They come back for personal gain.
• Avoid making excuses for them.
• Prepare for emotional manipulation.

Will a Narcissist Come Back?

Yes, they usually do. If you're wondering whether a narcissist will come back after disappearing from your life, the answer is often yes. Narcissists are notorious for resurfacing just when you've started to feel like you're regaining control of your emotions. They may have discarded you for a while, but deep down, they see relationships as power plays, not partnerships. This means they aren't just thinking of moving on—they're thinking about how to re-enter your life when it benefits them.

They might return with sweet words or even apologies, but don't be fooled. The motivation isn't love or genuine remorse. Narcissists come back to regain control or get the validation they crave. We have to understand that their returns are often part of a cycle where they test your boundaries to see if they can still manipulate your emotions.

Be prepared for this. Expect it. Because when they come back, they'll act like they never left, as if they still hold the same power they had before. But it's crucial to recognize this cycle and protect your emotional health.

Does No Contact Hurt a Narcissist?

No contact with a narcissist isn't just a tactic to heal; it can also feel like an emotional blow to them. Why? Because narcissists thrive on attention. Whether it's positive or negative attention, it feeds their ego. When you cut them off, it creates a void in their world that they can't tolerate easily. Imagine a performer on stage suddenly losing their audience—they feel exposed, vulnerable, and ultimately, powerless.

For narcissists, no contact is confusing. They don't understand why someone would willingly remove themselves from their orbit. It triggers a response. Some may feel slighted and begin planning their next move, while others may dismiss you, labeling you as unimportant in their twisted narrative.

But here's the interesting part: whether they feel hurt or indifferent, they often don't stay gone for long. Narcissists are drawn to the people who set boundaries, if only to try and break those boundaries down again. When they feel you slipping out of their grasp, it reignites their need for control, which is why so many return.

What Does a Narcissist Think When You Go No Contact?

No contact is one of the few strategies that can genuinely disrupt a narcissist's control. When you stop engaging, their mind begins to spiral. Narcissists are incredibly self-centered, so when you vanish from their life, they take it personally—even if the relationship's end was clearly their doing. They start asking themselves, "What happened? Why aren't they reaching out?" It's a blow to their ego.

One of two things usually happens. Either they think of how to regain your attention, or they rationalize that you weren't worth their time in the first place. Regardless of the path they take, both responses revolve around their need to maintain the upper hand. Even if they act like they're indifferent, trust me, they are always thinking about how to reassert control. You leaving without explanation leaves them feeling powerless—something a narcissist can't stand.

1. They Think of Coming Back

First, the narcissist will think of returning. In their mind, you've taken something from them—attention, admiration, or control—and they'll want it back. A narcissist thrives on manipulating emotions and situations, so your absence is a challenge to them.

They may fantasize about how easy it will be to slip back into your life. "Maybe I'll send a quick message," they think, believing they still have power over you. They're confident that, given time, you'll miss them enough to engage. Often, their return isn't even about you—it's about proving to themselves that they still have a hold on your emotions. The narcissist sees no contact as temporary, not permanent, which is why they often circle back.

But the truth is, their return is never about mending the relationship or addressing the harm done. It's about reaffirming their control and getting what they want out of the dynamic. Don't be surprised if they come back full of apologies, only to revert to their old behaviors once you let them back in.

2. They Think You Are Not Worth It

On the flip side, some narcissists will convince themselves that you were never worth their time to begin with. They'll mentally downplay your significance, telling themselves that they have “better” options. In this case, they see no contact as an insult to their superiority, which only fuels their disdain.

But make no mistake, this doesn't mean they're done with you. Narcissists thrive on keeping people emotionally attached, even if they don't plan on coming back right away. They may disappear for weeks, months, or even longer, making it seem like they've completely moved on. However, this is often just another tactic. By leaving you in emotional limbo, they can still maintain control from afar. It's a twisted form of power—keeping you uncertain about where you stand with them.

So even if they initially think you're not worth it, that mindset can shift in an instant if they need validation or control. This is why their actions are so unpredictable. One day, they're indifferent; the next, they're knocking on your door.

How Long Does It Take a Narcissist to Come Back?

The timeline of a narcissist's return can vary dramatically. Some come back within days, while others take months—or even years. What drives their timing? It's all about when they feel the need for attention or control again. When their ego is bruised, or they need a quick fix of validation, they may reach out with a casual message or phone call. For them, it's less about you and more about how quickly they can get what they want.

In many cases, their return depends on external factors. If their other sources of supply (people they manipulate for validation) are running dry, they'll likely come back sooner. On the other hand, if they have a steady stream of attention from others, it may take longer for them to circle back.

Narcissists tend to time their return when they feel like you've started to move on. They're keen on regaining power the moment you seem stronger without them. This creates a toxic cycle where they keep you emotionally hooked, always wondering when they'll come back. Knowing this, you can start to break the pattern by maintaining your boundaries and refusing to re-engage when they inevitably return.

Why Does a Narcissist Return?

Narcissists return because they never truly let go. The reason for their comeback isn't rooted in love or reconciliation—it's about control and validation. They come back to reclaim the emotional power they once held over you. They believe they still have access to your thoughts and feelings, and they return to test whether they can still manipulate you.

When a narcissist returns, it's usually because their other sources of attention (what they refer to as "supply") are running low, or perhaps you've set boundaries that they want to break. For them, every relationship is transactional, and if they feel like you're slipping away, they'll make a move to pull you back in.

It's important to recognize that their return isn't about making things right. It's about regaining what they lost—your attention, your emotions, and most importantly, the control they once held. This is why their return can feel so confusing. They may show up with charm and apologies, but their real goal is always self-serving.

What Is the Narcissist's Intention When They Return?

The narcissist's intention is never about mutual healing or reconciliation. Their main objective is to maintain dominance in the relationship dynamic. Whether it's a subtle text or an unexpected phone call, their intention is often to reassert their influence. Let's look at the three most common reasons they come back:

1. They Want to Be the Ones to End the Relationship

Narcissists hate losing control, especially when it comes to relationships. If you were the one who ended things, they may come back just to reverse the roles. For them, being the one who gets left behind is intolerable because it feels like a loss of power. They can't stand the idea that you took away their control by ending things first.

So, they return with the sole intention of being the one to walk away. They'll apologize, act loving, and may even promise to change—just so they can leave on their own terms once you're emotionally invested again. It's a cruel game, but to the narcissist, it's all about regaining the upper hand. They want to feel like they have the final word, and this gives them a sense of superiority.

The cycle often repeats because once they've left, they may come back again, especially if they think they can manipulate you into falling for their tactics. The key here is recognizing that their need to be the one in control isn't about fixing anything—it's about protecting their fragile ego.

2. They Want the Narcissism to Continue

Narcissists thrive on a cycle of manipulation, admiration, and emotional abuse. When they come back, it's often because they're not done feeding their ego. They need someone to give them constant attention, whether it's positive or negative, and their return is a sign that they want that dynamic to continue.

For the narcissist, relationships are never about mutual growth or genuine love. They use others as a source of “narcissistic supply,” which is the admiration and validation they need to maintain their inflated sense of self. If you've pulled away or gone no contact, they may try to lure you back into the same toxic dynamic because it feeds their need for control.

What's worse is that they'll often play on your emotions to achieve this. They may act as though they've changed or genuinely care about you, but their main goal is to draw you back into a cycle where they can continue to manipulate and control you. They want to keep the narcissistic supply flowing, and they know exactly how to pull you back in if you're not careful.

This is why it's critical to stay firm in your boundaries. When a narcissist wants the cycle to continue, they will stop at nothing to re-enter your life. You have to recognize the pattern for what it is and resist the temptation to believe that things will be different this time.

3. To Return the Favor

When a narcissist feels slighted, they often return with revenge in mind. If you've hurt their ego by cutting them off or setting firm boundaries, they may come back, not for love or reconciliation, but to return the favor. Narcissists are deeply insecure, and any perceived rejection cuts them to the core. They feel entitled to get back at you, even if they were the cause of the relationship's breakdown.

In this case, they don't want to rebuild the relationship—they want to punish you for daring to distance yourself. They might do this by manipulating your emotions, using guilt, or creating chaos in your life, just to make you feel the way they did when you left. It's a power play, and they'll take satisfaction in knowing they've disrupted your peace.

Beware of their tactics. They may act as though they're coming back to make amends, but the reality is that they're often just looking for an opportunity to “even the score” and cause more harm. This isn't about healing or closure—it's about retribution.

How to Handle a Narcissist's Return

When a narcissist comes back, it can be incredibly tempting to engage. Maybe they're saying all the right things, or perhaps you're feeling vulnerable and miss the connection. But before you respond, stop and think. Narcissists rarely return for healthy reasons. They come back to regain control, manipulate your emotions, or continue the toxic cycle.

The first step in handling their return is to recognize their patterns. Ask yourself: what's changed? Have they shown genuine growth, or are they using the same tactics to draw you back in? Most of the time, it's the latter. They know how to push your emotional buttons, and they will use charm, guilt, and even flattery to get you back into their orbit.

Set firm boundaries. If you decide to engage, do so from a position of strength. Don't let them dictate the terms of the conversation. Make it clear what you will and will not tolerate. If you've gone no contact, be prepared to stick to it, even if they try to make you feel guilty. Narcissists hate boundaries, but those boundaries are essential to protect your mental and emotional health.

If you feel overwhelmed or uncertain, it may be time to seek professional support. A therapist or counselor can help you navigate the complex emotions involved in dealing with a narcissist's return and provide tools to reinforce your boundaries. Remember, the goal is not to engage with the narcissist on their terms but to protect yourself from further harm.

10 Mistakes to Avoid When Going No Contact With a Narcissist

Going no contact with a narcissist can be empowering, but it's not always as straightforward as it seems. The emotional manipulation, mind games, and false promises often make it hard to cut ties completely. If you're going no contact, it's crucial to avoid some common mistakes that can undermine your efforts and leave you vulnerable to their tactics.

The decision to distance yourself must be intentional and well-planned. Narcissists are skilled at finding loopholes and using your emotions against you, which is why setting boundaries and sticking to them is so essential. Here are ten mistakes to watch out for when cutting off a narcissist:

1. Going No Contact for the Wrong Reasons

One of the biggest mistakes people make is going no contact for the wrong reasons. You might be doing it to trigger a response, to make the narcissist miss you, or to see if they'll change. Unfortunately, this only feeds their need for control. Narcissists view your absence as a temporary challenge, not a permanent boundary, and if you're hoping it'll force them to become the partner you always wanted, you'll end up disappointed.

No contact should be about protecting your own emotional well-being, not about manipulating their behavior. It's about creating a space where you can heal and reclaim your life, not giving them the silent treatment in hopes of a different outcome. Going no contact must be done with the intention of breaking free from their control—not to test if they still care.

Remember, no contact is for you, not for them. The second you start using it as a tactic to elicit a response from the narcissist, you're playing right into their game. They thrive on reactions, even when you're ignoring them. The key is to disengage completely, emotionally and mentally, with no expectations of their response.

2. Slacking on Your Resolve

Once you've made the decision to go no contact, staying firm is essential. But slacking on your resolve is one of the most common pitfalls. The narcissist knows exactly how to push your buttons, and they'll likely attempt to get you to break no contact through charming messages, gifts, or even apologies. If you're not committed to staying strong, it's easy to fall back into the same toxic patterns.

We've all been there—wondering if maybe this time will be different, if maybe they've changed. But the truth is, a narcissist rarely changes their core behaviors. They know how to manipulate emotions, especially when they sense that you're wavering in your decision. Slacking on your resolve gives them an opening to regain control, and once they're back in your life, the cycle begins again.

It's crucial to remind yourself why you went no contact in the first place. Write it down if you need to. Every time you feel yourself wanting to engage, revisit those reasons. Understand that going no contact is a long-term strategy for your mental health, not a temporary fix. Be unwavering in your decision, even when it feels emotionally challenging.

3. Unprepared for Unnecessary Attention

When you go no contact, it's not uncommon to receive unwanted attention—from the narcissist or from others. A narcissist may send flying monkeys (people who do their bidding) to get in touch with you on their behalf. These people might not understand the full extent of the abuse you experienced, and they may try to guilt you into reconnecting with the narcissist.

In addition, the narcissist may turn to social media, mutual friends, or even coworkers to get information about you. They might post cryptic messages or try to provoke you into responding. This is why it's essential to be prepared for the potential of public and private interference. Going no contact doesn't mean the narcissist will respect your boundaries—it often pushes them to find new ways to get your attention.

To handle this, you need to be clear and consistent. If mutual friends try to bring up the narcissist, let them know you've moved on and don't want to discuss them. If you start receiving messages from acquaintances, stay firm in your decision not to engage. You might need to block the narcissist on all platforms to truly break free. The goal is to create as much distance as possible, which means being prepared for the lengths they might go to in order to regain your focus.

4. Unprepared for the Alternate Story You Will Hear From Others

When you go no contact with a narcissist, prepare yourself for the possibility that they will spin an alternate story about why the relationship ended. Narcissists are masters of creating their own narrative, and in this version, they're often the victim, and you are painted as the villain. You may hear through mutual friends or even strangers that the narcissist has been telling everyone how much you hurt them or how unreasonable you've been.

This can be incredibly frustrating, especially when you know the truth of what happened. However, it's essential not to get caught up in trying to defend yourself or correct the story. Engaging in their version of events only pulls you back into their web of manipulation. Narcissists thrive on drama, and by responding, you're feeding the very thing you're trying to escape.

The best way to handle this situation is to remain calm and refuse to engage. The people who truly know you will see through the lies, and those who don't aren't worth the energy it takes to explain yourself. Let the narcissist tell their alternate story—it says more about them than it does about you.

5. Believing the Emissaries

When you cut off contact with a narcissist, don't be surprised if they send others to do their bidding. These “emissaries” might be mutual friends, family members, or even coworkers. They often come to you with seemingly good intentions, saying things like, “They've really changed,” or “They miss you and just want to talk.” But these people may not understand the full extent of what happened between you and the narcissist, and they can unknowingly act as tools in the narcissist's manipulation.

The narcissist uses emissaries to break through your defenses. It's easier for them to send someone else to speak on their behalf because it creates distance between them and the confrontation. They know you're less likely to immediately dismiss someone who appears neutral or concerned. But remember, even if the person seems well-meaning, the message comes from the narcissist.

Believing the emissaries can set you back in your healing process. It reopens old wounds and stirs up emotions that make you more vulnerable to re-engagement. Stay firm in your decision to go no contact, and if necessary, explain to the emissaries that you need space. Politely but firmly let them know that your decision is final, and you won't be swayed by third-party involvement. Boundaries are your best defense.

6. Getting Caught Up in the 'What If' Trap

The 'What If' trap is one of the most emotionally exhausting pitfalls when going no contact with a narcissist. It usually starts with questions like, “What if I'd said things differently?” or “What if they really have changed this time?” These doubts can make you second-guess your decision to cut ties, pulling you into a cycle of uncertainty and regret.

The truth is, narcissists are experts at making you feel responsible for their behavior. When you go no contact, they rely on your self-doubt to draw you back in. You might begin to idealize the good moments, overlooking the toxic ones, and wonder if there was something you could have done differently to save the relationship.

Getting caught up in 'What If' thinking is dangerous because it keeps you emotionally tied to the narcissist. It prevents you from moving forward and fully healing. Instead of asking “What if?” ask yourself, “What do I need to heal?” Shift the focus from the past to your future. Understand that no matter what you did, the narcissist's behavior would not have changed. Your decision to go no contact is valid and necessary for your emotional well-being.

7. Making Excuses for the Narcissist

Another common mistake is making excuses for the narcissist's behavior. This often happens when we look for reasons to justify their actions, telling ourselves things like, “Maybe they didn't mean it that way,” or “They've had a tough life.” While it's natural to want to understand why someone acts the way they do, making excuses for toxic behavior only enables the narcissist to continue hurting you.

Narcissists are skilled at playing the victim, and they'll often provide just enough vulnerability to make you feel sorry for them. They might talk about their difficult childhood, past traumas, or emotional struggles. While these may be true, they don't excuse their abusive behavior. You are not responsible for fixing them, nor should you feel obligated to stick around while they continue to cause harm.

Making excuses keeps you trapped in the cycle of manipulation. It gives the narcissist a free pass to continue mistreating you, and it undermines your efforts to break free. Remember, empathy is a powerful thing, but it's important to direct that empathy towards yourself. You deserve peace, and you don't owe anyone an excuse for demanding it.

8. Trying to Brave It on Your Own

It's tempting to think that you can handle the emotional aftermath of going no contact with a narcissist all by yourself. After all, you've already made the tough decision to cut ties, so how hard could it be to keep going? But the reality is, dealing with a narcissist—especially after the breakup—can feel like an emotional rollercoaster, and trying to brave it on your own is often overwhelming.

The isolation that comes with no contact can make you question your decisions. You may feel tempted to reach out to someone, even if that someone is the narcissist. It's during these moments of vulnerability that you need a strong support system. Whether it's friends, family, or a community that understands what you've been through, you don't have to go through it alone.

Narcissists are master manipulators, and the longer you try to navigate the healing process without help, the more likely you are to be pulled back into their web. Surround yourself with people who remind you of your strength, validate your feelings, and support your decision to go no contact. It's not about bravery; it's about knowing when to ask for help.

9. Refusing to Get Professional Help

One of the biggest mistakes people make is refusing to get professional help when dealing with the trauma of a narcissistic relationship. Narcissistic abuse can leave deep emotional scars, and while it's possible to heal on your own, the journey is often much longer and more difficult without guidance. A therapist, especially one experienced in narcissistic abuse, can provide the tools and perspective you need to break free emotionally.

Refusing professional help usually stems from believing you should be able to “handle it.” But seeking therapy isn't a sign of weakness—it's a sign that you're ready to fully heal and move forward. Therapy can help you process the complex emotions involved in going no contact, understand the psychological impact of narcissistic abuse, and rebuild your sense of self-worth.

Sometimes, we downplay the damage done by the narcissist because it's easier than facing the full reality of what happened. But refusing to get professional help keeps you stuck in a place of emotional limbo. Therapy can be the difference between surviving the aftermath and truly thriving beyond it. You don't have to go through this healing journey alone, and there's no shame in seeking the support you need.

10. Believing That the Narcissist Has Changed

One of the most dangerous traps when going no contact with a narcissist is believing that they've changed. After weeks, months, or even years of distance, they might reappear with claims of personal growth, newfound self-awareness, or promises that “things will be different this time.” It's easy to want to believe these words, especially if you still care for them on some level.

But here's the truth: genuine change is rare for a narcissist. Narcissism is deeply rooted in their personality, and while they might temporarily adjust their behavior to get you back, the underlying issues rarely disappear. Narcissists are experts at telling you what you want to hear, and they'll say whatever it takes to regain control over your emotions.

Remember that their past behavior speaks louder than their promises. They may have a brief period of acting differently, but it's usually not long before they slip back into their old patterns of manipulation and emotional abuse. It's important to stay grounded in reality and not let wishful thinking lead you back into a toxic dynamic. True change requires deep self-reflection and accountability—qualities most narcissists lack.

FAQ

How long does it take for a narcissist to come back?

The timeline for a narcissist's return can vary greatly. Some come back almost immediately after you go no contact, while others might wait weeks, months, or even years. Their return often depends on when they need validation or control again. If their other sources of attention (or “supply”) dry up, they're more likely to reappear sooner.

Why does a narcissist return?

Narcissists return not because they miss you or because they've changed, but because they want to regain control. They thrive on attention and validation, and when you remove yourself from their life, it creates a void they want to fill. Their return is usually about reestablishing their dominance and continuing the cycle of manipulation, not about reconciliation or love.