Coming to terms with the pain of having a narcissistic parent can seem insurmountable. Sadly, far too many people suffer from the wounds inflicted by their parents’ damaging behavior. Whether through neglect, lack of empathy, gas lighting, or manipulation, narcissism can have lifelong implications for our sense of self. The path to recovery is both challenging and long but one that can lead to powerful healing.
It is crucially important to define narcissistic behavior and the effect it has on children. A particularly useful definition comes from psychotherapist Wendy Behary who states:
”Narcissism refers to a set of behaviors characterized by grandiosity, entitlement, need for admiration, and lack of empathy and concern for others."
At its most extreme, narcissistic behavior lays at the root of a personality disorder. But regardless of severity, it can still profoundly affect how we feel about ourselves in adulthood.
The first step in healing is understanding that the problem lies within your parent and not with yourself. Trying to change their behavior is a fruitless endeavor so, ultimately, it’s best to focus on taking charge of your own life. To do so, you need to practice self-compassion and recognize the pain associated with your parent’s behavior without being consumed by it.
A great way to do this is through finding a support network. When abused, it's only natural to seek comfort from those closest to us but this will rarely help in the long run. It's much better to find therapy or join support groups with those who have been in similar situations. Comparing experiences won't only make you feel less alone, it can also provide priceless insight on how best to heal.
It's also important to have realistic expectations. Healing isn't a linear process and, no matter how hard you try, you may never completely undo the damage done. Rather than striving for perfection, learn how to let things go and give yourself permission to make mistakes. We are all imperfect creatures doing our best and being our own cheerleader sets us on path to accepting defeat and knowing you tried.
When rebuilding your sense of self, consider reconnecting with activities you loved as a child. Uncovering lost passions or trying new ones can be an effective way to replenish depleted confidence. And don’t be afraid to explore things that challenge you. Every step forward, no matter how small, can make you stronger and cause positive ripples in one’s life.
Learning to embrace your own needs will also play a pivotal role in the process. Many of us have a tendency to put others before ourselves. This takes away our sense of power and fill ourselves with guilt, so it's important to nurture our own needs from time to time. Whether it's having a quiet night in or going on a weekend trip, make sure that you take care of yourself.
Lastly, you can use mindfulness to manage negative emotions such as anger and sadness. Being mindful helps tune out mental noise and ground oneself in the present moment. Not only will this bring more calm, it helps identify triggers that raise our emotional temperature.
The road to recovery from the fallout of narcissistic parenting won't be easy. But by understanding the effects of narcissistic behavior and developing alternative strategies to cope with it, it is possible to break free from it. Giving oneself the chance to voyage into their strength and wisdom, eventually shaking whatever hold pain might have had on them. Then, and only then, can we find the happiness and contentment that was so cruelly denied by our oppressive childhoods. It may be a long process filled with bumps, twists, and turns but if something is worth valuing and it’s worth fighting for.
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