7 Surprising Signs You're Dating a Communal Narcissist

Key Takeaways:

Communal narcissists crave public validation.
They disguise self-interest with charity.
Setting boundaries helps protect yourself.
They seek credit for all good deeds.
Be aware of manipulative helpfulness.

What is communal narcissism?

Communal narcissism is a tricky and often overlooked type of narcissism. It's not the loud, boastful, or obviously selfish behavior many of us associate with narcissism. Instead, communal narcissists appear to be generous and selfless. They often attach themselves to charitable causes, appear deeply concerned about societal issues, and seem to thrive on helping others. However, beneath this altruistic exterior lies a deeper need—their need for admiration and validation.

What makes communal narcissists so challenging to spot is that their “goodness” feels genuine at first glance. After all, we tend to trust people who are actively involved in community work or charity. Yet, over time, you'll notice something off: it's not just the cause they care about—it's how much they can be praised for it. Their acts of kindness are strategic, meant to feed their ego and maintain their public image. As Dr. Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist, notes, “Narcissists don't just want attention. They need it to feel like they matter.” This craving for attention is at the core of communal narcissism, where doing good is just another means to get applause.

5 common characteristics of communal narcissism

Understanding communal narcissism requires looking past the surface and diving into the patterns that define this behavior. These individuals operate under the guise of morality and altruism, but there are unmistakable traits that can clue you in:

Perceived altruism: They genuinely believe they are more giving and selfless than anyone else. They see themselves as a moral authority, constantly reminding others of their contributions.
Need for recognition: Every act of charity or kindness must be seen and acknowledged. They don't just want to help; they want to be praised for helping.
Superiority in morality: Communal narcissists feel morally superior to those around them, believing their way of helping is the only way. This superiority can make them condescending to others who don't share their “high standards.”
Manipulative helpfulness: Their acts of kindness often come with strings attached. They use their help to control others or to place themselves in a position of power.
Exaggerated sense of contribution: They tend to overstate their role in any charitable endeavor, making it seem like they are the main driving force behind the success of a cause, even when that's far from the truth.

How communal narcissism impacts relationships

At first, dating someone who seems dedicated to helping others can feel uplifting. You might think you've found someone deeply compassionate, a partner who cares about making the world a better place. But soon enough, you may start noticing cracks in this seemingly perfect picture.

Communal narcissism can wreak havoc on relationships because it revolves around the need for recognition. When your partner is more concerned with being admired by the outside world than building a genuine emotional connection with you, it becomes a one-sided relationship. Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and expert on narcissism, explains, “Narcissists struggle with intimacy and empathy. It's not about connection—it's about validation.” This leaves the other person feeling isolated and undervalued.

In a relationship with a communal narcissist, you might feel like you're always playing a supporting role. Your partner's need to be seen as the “hero” becomes more important than your needs, leaving little room for real emotional intimacy. The imbalance of attention and the constant focus on their public image can lead to frustration, emotional distance, and ultimately, a breakdown of trust and communication.

7 signs you're dating a communal narcissist

Not sure if your partner falls into this category? These seven signs will help you determine whether you're in a relationship with a communal narcissist:

Extreme focus on a specific charity or cause: They are deeply involved in a particular cause, but it's more about their role than the cause itself.
Fixation on public image: They care more about how their actions look to others than how they feel to you. They constantly seek validation for their good deeds.
Wanting all the credit: Whether it's a joint effort or something they barely contributed to, they expect praise for everything.
Creating conflict at public events: They may stir drama or tension during public gatherings to draw attention back to themselves, even when it's inappropriate.
Looking down upon others: They believe they are morally superior to those around them and may criticize others for not being as “giving.”
Seeking validation for their good deeds: Every act of charity or kindness comes with a demand for applause and recognition. They thrive on the attention.
Difficulty accepting criticism: When challenged or criticized, they become defensive or dismissive, unwilling to reflect on their behavior.

Extreme focus on a specific charity or cause

One of the most telling signs of communal narcissism is a nearly obsessive dedication to a particular charity or social cause. This might seem admirable at first, but it quickly becomes apparent that their involvement isn't driven by genuine passion for the cause itself. Instead, it's about how much attention and admiration they can gain through their commitment.

The communal narcissist is highly strategic in choosing their causes. They'll often pick one that's highly visible or aligns with current trends, allowing them to be front and center in the spotlight. Whether it's raising funds for an animal shelter or organizing a charity event, the effort feels less about the animals or the community and more about how their role positions them as the “savior.” Their conversations constantly return to their contributions, their sacrifices, and how they've become a pillar of support for that particular cause.

Over time, you may find that their involvement in this charity eclipses everything else. Their friends, their family, and even their partner become secondary to the attention they receive from being publicly associated with their chosen cause. This fixation on appearing generous is less about helping others and more about feeding their ego.

Fixation on public image

For a communal narcissist, public image is everything. They carefully craft their reputation, ensuring that they're seen as kind, selfless, and morally upright. Social media plays a massive role in this fixation. They're the type to broadcast every act of kindness—from donating to a food bank to volunteering at a shelter—and they're quick to point out how others fall short of their "standard."

While it's normal to want to be perceived in a positive light, for a communal narcissist, it becomes an obsession. Their self-worth depends entirely on external validation, especially when it comes to their moral character. Public perception isn't just important—it's vital. They meticulously curate their online persona to project an image of perfect altruism.

This need to appear flawless often causes tension in close relationships. Partners and friends may feel neglected or even used, as their emotional needs take a back seat to the communal narcissist's need to be admired. As long as their public image remains intact, they are blind to the emotional wreckage they leave behind.

Wanting all the credit

One of the most exhausting traits of a communal narcissist is their constant need to be recognized for every little thing they do. No matter how small or large the contribution, they expect to be celebrated and praised. If there's a group effort, you can almost guarantee they will take center stage, claiming the majority of the credit, regardless of how much they actually did.

What makes this behavior particularly frustrating is their tendency to rewrite history in their favor. Even if they played a minor role, their version of events will paint them as the driving force behind the success. This need for recognition often leads to conflict within their personal relationships as well. Partners, friends, and colleagues might feel dismissed or unappreciated, as their own efforts are minimized or completely overshadowed by the narcissist's demand for praise.

This behavior also feeds into their need to maintain their public image. A communal narcissist thrives on external validation, and they will go to great lengths to ensure that every good deed they participate in shines a spotlight directly on them. It's never about the collective effort—it's always about how they can stand out and be admired for their “altruism.”

Creating conflict at public events

Communal narcissists have a unique way of turning what should be peaceful, joyous public events into tense, awkward, or even confrontational moments. This might happen at charity functions, community events, or even social gatherings. Why? Because in their mind, they deserve to be the center of attention, and if the spotlight isn't on them, they'll create drama to reclaim it.

They might subtly undermine others or find ways to steer conversations back to their “selfless” acts. At times, they'll even cause outright conflict, criticizing others for not being as giving or “moral” as they are. This public spectacle serves two purposes: it draws attention to their own perceived virtues, and it helps them regain control of the situation by making others feel inadequate.

It's not uncommon for their partners to feel embarrassed or frustrated by this behavior, as it often leads to tension and discomfort in social situations. However, for the communal narcissist, these moments of conflict are merely another stage where they can assert their moral superiority and seek validation from those around them.

Looking down upon others

Communal narcissists don't just see themselves as charitable—they see themselves as morally superior to everyone around them. This belief fuels a pattern of looking down on others, especially those who don't engage in the same level of public "altruism." They often criticize friends, family, and even strangers for not being as generous or as socially involved as they are.

Their disdain for others typically comes out in subtle, passive-aggressive ways. You might hear comments like, "I just don't understand how people can be so selfish," or "If only more people cared as much as I do." These remarks aren't just complaints—they're thinly veiled attempts to remind everyone around them of their own supposed greatness.

What makes this behavior particularly toxic is how it alienates the people closest to them. Partners, friends, and family might start feeling judged or inferior, as though nothing they do is ever good enough. This can create an emotional rift, leaving others feeling resentful and unappreciated.

Seeking validation for their good deeds

A communal narcissist's good deeds don't come without strings attached. Every act of kindness or charity is an opportunity for them to seek validation. Whether it's through social media posts, public acknowledgments, or subtle hints in conversations, they constantly crave recognition for their efforts.

In their eyes, the more they are praised, the more they feel validated in their worth. If their good deeds go unnoticed or unappreciated, it can trigger intense frustration or even anger. They might say things like, "I put in so much effort, and no one even cares," reflecting their deep-seated need for external approval.

This constant search for validation isn't just draining for them—it's exhausting for those around them. Partners, friends, and family members might feel pressured to provide endless praise and acknowledgment, often to the point of feeling emotionally worn out. Over time, this dynamic can become a source of resentment, as it becomes clear that their kindness isn't about giving—it's about getting something in return: admiration.

Difficulty accepting criticism

Criticism, no matter how constructive, is something a communal narcissist simply cannot handle. While they may appear outwardly selfless and open-minded, any suggestion that their actions aren't as noble or perfect as they believe will trigger intense defensiveness. The communal narcissist sees themselves as morally superior, so any critique is interpreted as a direct attack on their character.

When faced with criticism, they are quick to deflect blame, make excuses, or turn the conversation around to accuse others of being unfair or ungrateful. You might hear phrases like, “After everything I've done, how could you say that?” or “Maybe you just don't understand how much I sacrifice.” This behavior creates a toxic environment, where honest feedback is not only unwelcome but also dangerous to the emotional health of those involved.

Over time, people close to a communal narcissist may stop voicing their concerns altogether, leading to a buildup of frustration and resentment. This lack of open communication erodes trust and damages the relationship, often leaving the narcissist unaware of the emotional toll their behavior has on others.

10 effective ways to deal with a communal narcissist

Dealing with a communal narcissist can feel overwhelming, especially when their actions are disguised as acts of kindness. However, it's possible to protect your emotional well-being and maintain healthy boundaries. Here are ten practical strategies to navigate this challenging dynamic:

Don't question them: Avoid confronting them directly about their behavior. Narcissists don't respond well to criticism and may lash out if challenged.
Learn to set boundaries: Clearly define your emotional and physical limits. Don't allow their need for recognition to take over your time or energy.
Don't get swept into neglecting your own values: Stay true to what matters to you. It's easy to get caught up in their world, but you must maintain your sense of self.
Limit your interactions: If their behavior is draining, consider limiting how much time you spend with them, especially in settings where they seek the most validation.
Practice self-care: Regularly check in with yourself and take care of your emotional needs. Engage in activities that restore your sense of peace and balance.
Seek support from others: Talk to trusted friends or a therapist about your experiences. It's important not to isolate yourself when dealing with a communal narcissist.
Maintain realistic expectations: Understand that a communal narcissist is unlikely to change, and adjust your expectations accordingly. This can prevent disappointment and heartache.
Develop assertiveness skills: Learn to say “no” without guilt and stand firm in your decisions. This helps prevent them from manipulating you into constantly fulfilling their needs.
Educate yourself about narcissism: The more you know about narcissistic behavior, the better equipped you'll be to handle the emotional challenges that come with it.
Consider professional help: If the relationship becomes too overwhelming, therapy can offer valuable insight and coping strategies for dealing with the narcissist in your life.

Learn to set boundaries

Setting boundaries with a communal narcissist is not just important—it's essential. These individuals have a tendency to dominate emotional and mental space, leaving little room for your own needs and feelings. Without clear boundaries, they'll expect you to be endlessly available for their validation and approval-seeking behaviors.

The key to effective boundary-setting is being firm and consistent. You need to communicate your limits clearly, whether that means limiting how often you engage with them or refusing to participate in their attention-seeking behaviors. Don't allow guilt to dictate your decisions, because a communal narcissist will often try to manipulate you into thinking that setting boundaries is a selfish act. In reality, boundaries are a necessary form of self-care.

Remember, it's okay to say no. The more you reinforce your boundaries, the more you protect your emotional well-being. As Dr. Brené Brown, an expert on vulnerability and boundaries, states, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” With communal narcissists, disappointment is inevitable, but maintaining boundaries ensures your sense of self stays intact.

Don't get swept into neglecting your own values

When you're in a relationship with a communal narcissist, it's easy to lose sight of your own values. Their moral superiority can be so overpowering that you may begin to question your own beliefs, priorities, and even your self-worth. Over time, you might find yourself compromising on the things that matter most to you, simply to keep the peace or avoid conflict.

This is why it's critical to remain grounded in your personal values. You need to constantly check in with yourself and ask: Is this something I truly believe in? Is this how I want to spend my time or energy? The communal narcissist's needs and causes can often overshadow your own life if you allow it, leaving you feeling disconnected from yourself.

Staying true to your values means having the courage to stand up for what's important to you, even if it causes friction. The communal narcissist might try to guilt-trip you into thinking you're not as “giving” or “selfless,” but it's crucial to remember that their version of selflessness is rooted in ego, not genuine care. Don't let their narrative consume your life—stay anchored in your own truth.

Limit your interactions

One of the most effective ways to manage a communal narcissist is by limiting your interactions. Constant exposure to their need for attention and validation can be emotionally exhausting. If every conversation revolves around them and their “good deeds,” it's only a matter of time before you start feeling drained. Protecting your emotional energy is essential.

Consider reducing the frequency of your meetups or shifting the context of your interactions. For example, instead of attending a public event where they're likely to put on a performance, suggest smaller, private gatherings where the focus can't be solely on them. This helps you avoid situations where their narcissistic tendencies are amplified, and it gives you more control over your time.

Don't feel guilty about this. Limiting your interactions is not a reflection of your kindness or generosity—it's about protecting yourself from being sucked into their emotional vortex. Setting limits isn't selfish; it's a way to ensure you're still showing up in your own life with energy and clarity.

Practice self-care

When dealing with a communal narcissist, self-care should be non-negotiable. Their overwhelming need for validation and praise can leave you feeling emotionally depleted if you're not careful. That's why carving out time to recharge your emotional batteries is critical.

Self-care doesn't just mean taking a break or having a spa day—though those things can help. It means doing whatever it takes to prioritize your mental and emotional health. Engage in activities that bring you peace, whether it's journaling, spending time with friends who understand your struggles, or simply enjoying a quiet walk in nature.

Setting aside time for self-care also creates emotional distance from the communal narcissist's constant need for attention. It reminds you that your well-being is just as important—if not more—than theirs. You cannot pour from an empty cup, and the constant demand for validation from a communal narcissist can quickly drain you if you're not refueling regularly. Make self-care your priority and don't feel guilty for it.

Seek support from others

Dealing with a communal narcissist can feel isolating, especially when their behavior is hidden behind a veneer of goodness. You might hesitate to reach out for support because their outward actions seem so generous that others don't see the darker undercurrents of their personality. This makes it crucial to have a network of trusted friends or family who understand what you're going through.

Talking to someone who knows the complexities of narcissistic behavior can provide the emotional validation you need. Whether it's a close friend, a family member, or a therapist, having a sounding board allows you to express your frustrations and gain perspective on how to handle difficult situations. Sometimes, just knowing you're not alone in dealing with the emotional exhaustion a communal narcissist causes can be enough to give you strength.

If you're feeling particularly overwhelmed, seeking professional support can be a game-changer. Therapists can offer coping strategies specific to dealing with narcissists, and they can also help you maintain your emotional boundaries. Don't be afraid to lean on others—having a strong support system is vital when navigating these complicated dynamics.

Maintain realistic expectations

It's essential to maintain realistic expectations when dealing with a communal narcissist. While it's tempting to hope they'll change or eventually recognize the impact of their actions, the reality is that narcissism is deeply ingrained in their identity. Communal narcissists are not likely to shift their focus from seeking validation to fostering genuine empathy. Accepting this can save you from constant disappointment.

That doesn't mean you should give up on the relationship entirely, but it does mean adjusting your expectations. Instead of hoping they'll one day behave selflessly, recognize that their need for recognition and admiration is unlikely to fade. This understanding allows you to focus on what you can control—your responses, your boundaries, and your emotional well-being.

By setting realistic expectations, you prevent yourself from getting caught in an endless cycle of frustration. It allows you to interact with the communal narcissist without feeling drained by unmet hopes or crushed by their inability to prioritize your emotional needs. Grounding yourself in reality is key to managing your relationship with a communal narcissist in a healthy way.

Develop assertiveness skills

One of the most empowering tools you can have when dealing with a communal narcissist is the ability to be assertive. Narcissists thrive on the passivity of others, often using guilt or manipulation to get what they want. Being assertive means standing firm in your own needs and boundaries, even when faced with their intense need for validation.

Assertiveness isn't about being aggressive or confrontational. It's about communicating your needs clearly and confidently without feeling the need to justify or apologize for them. For example, if a communal narcissist demands your time or attention in a way that drains you, assertiveness looks like calmly saying, “I can't help with that right now,” or “I need some time for myself.”

This skill also involves recognizing when you're being manipulated and refusing to engage in their games. It might feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you're used to prioritizing their needs, but learning to say “no” without guilt is a powerful way to protect your emotional well-being.

Remember, assertiveness is a practice. It may take time to build confidence, but the more you use it, the stronger you'll feel in maintaining your boundaries.

Educate yourself about narcissism

The more you understand about narcissism, the better equipped you'll be to handle a communal narcissist's behavior. Narcissistic tendencies can be confusing and hurtful if you don't recognize what's happening. By learning about the psychology behind it, you can take back control of your emotions and responses.

Books, articles, and even conversations with mental health professionals can give you valuable insight into how narcissists operate. Understanding their deep need for validation, their struggles with empathy, and their constant pursuit of attention can help you navigate your relationship with greater clarity. You'll start to see their actions not as personal attacks, but as part of their narcissistic patterns.

As Dr. Craig Malkin, author of Rethinking Narcissism, explains, “The more you know about how narcissism works, the easier it becomes to distance yourself emotionally and stop taking their behavior so personally.” With knowledge comes power, and educating yourself on narcissism allows you to manage your interactions from a place of strength and self-awareness.

Be aware of their motivation for 'goodness'

On the surface, communal narcissists appear to be the epitome of goodness. They're always involved in charity work, helping others, or making grand gestures of kindness. However, the real question you need to ask is: why are they doing these things? Understanding their motivation is crucial to seeing beyond the facade of selflessness.

While their actions may look noble, the driving force behind them is often far from pure. Communal narcissists are not driven by a genuine desire to help others—they are driven by their need to be seen helping others. Their “goodness” is a performance meant to draw admiration, approval, and validation. They might say all the right things, but their ultimate goal is to elevate their own status and feed their ego.

Being aware of this dynamic allows you to navigate the relationship more effectively. It helps you avoid getting sucked into their need for praise and prevents you from feeling manipulated by their acts of kindness. When you understand that their motivation is self-serving, it becomes easier to manage your expectations and set boundaries around how much emotional energy you invest in their “good deeds.”

This awareness also keeps you from being guilt-tripped into complying with their demands for attention. Recognize that their actions are less about giving and more about receiving—their true motivation lies in maintaining their image, not in genuine empathy.

Sign In