7 Shocking Tactics Narcissists Use (When They Lose Control)

Key Takeaways:

• Narcissists react with manipulative tactics
• They may try to regain control
• Silent treatment is a common tactic
• Narcissistic rage often follows rejection
• Gaslighting and triangulation are dangerous

The Narcissist's Reaction to Losing Control

When narcissists lose control over someone, they see it as a direct threat to their carefully constructed image. To them, losing power isn't just about losing you—it's about losing their ability to control how others see them. It's a blow to their ego, which can cause them to react in extreme and often destructive ways. They'll use psychological manipulation, lies, and emotional abuse to regain that sense of superiority, all while trying to convince you that you're the one to blame.

The emotional rollercoaster they send you on is deliberate. They play on your fears, insecurities, and need for closure, all the while seeking to wear you down emotionally. Psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula says, "Narcissists want control and power. Once they sense it slipping, they'll employ whatever strategies they can to maintain dominance" (Durvasula, Don't You Know Who I Am?). This is why it's so important to recognize the signs early and arm yourself with the knowledge to fight back.

They Pull You Back By Hoovering

Hoovering is a classic move by narcissists, named after the vacuum cleaner for its ability to “suck” you back into their toxic orbit. When a narcissist feels like they're losing you, they'll suddenly become charming again, as if they've turned over a new leaf. You might get unexpected apologies, compliments, or promises of change—anything to lure you back in. They'll remind you of the good times, tapping into the emotional connection they built when things were better.

This tactic plays on your vulnerability, especially if you're still emotionally invested. They'll exploit any doubts you have about leaving, hoping you'll question your decision to pull away. Don't be fooled. Hoovering is not about love; it's about control. Psychologically, it's an attempt to maintain the attachment and keep you dependent on their validation.

They Start a Smear Campaign Against You

One of the most common reactions a narcissist has when they lose control is starting a smear campaign. This involves spreading lies and half-truths to paint you as the villain in the story. They'll tell others that you were the unstable one, the unreasonable one, or that you caused the relationship to crumble. All the while, they'll position themselves as the victim. The goal is to isolate you by turning others against you.

This tactic can be incredibly harmful, especially if you have mutual friends or family members involved. It feeds into the narcissist's need for admiration and pity, while leaving you feeling abandoned and misunderstood. Social manipulation is their weapon of choice here. Narcissists thrive on keeping their reputation spotless, and they'll tarnish yours to make themselves look better in comparison.

They Attempt to Gaslight You

Gaslighting is one of the most insidious forms of emotional abuse, and narcissists are experts at it. They'll try to convince you that your version of reality is wrong, making you doubt your own memories, perceptions, and feelings. You might hear phrases like “That never happened” or “You're just too sensitive,” causing you to question your own sanity.

This technique is designed to destabilize you mentally and emotionally. By making you doubt yourself, they can reassert control. Psychologist Dr. Robin Stern explains in her book The Gaslight Effect that "Gaslighting is always about control. It makes you feel dependent on the person who is distorting your reality." The more unsure you become of your thoughts, the easier it is for the narcissist to manipulate you into doing what they want.

They Try to Act Like the Victim

A favorite tactic of narcissists when they lose control is playing the victim. They'll twist the narrative so that they appear to be the one who's been wronged, hoping to gain sympathy from others. You might hear them say things like, “After everything I've done for you, how could you treat me this way?” or “I can't believe you would abandon me when I need you the most.”

This is all about manipulating the emotions of those around them, and often, it works. Friends, family, and even acquaintances might start to take their side, leaving you feeling like the bad guy. It's a psychological mind game meant to make you feel guilty and second-guess your decision to pull away. Narcissists are incredibly good at playing the victim, and this manipulation makes it harder for others to see the truth of the situation.

When the narcissist frames themselves as the victim, they gain a new level of control. It allows them to redirect the focus back onto themselves, seeking validation from others while simultaneously attempting to gaslight you into believing you were wrong all along.

They Go Into Narcissistic Rage

If there's one thing narcissists can't handle, it's losing power, and when they realize their control over you is slipping, it can trigger what's known as narcissistic rage. This isn't just anger; it's an intense, irrational reaction that stems from a deep sense of entitlement and ego injury. They believe they are superior and deserving of unwavering attention, so when that's threatened, their emotions explode.

Narcissistic rage can be explosive or passive-aggressive. Sometimes it's expressed through screaming, insults, or even threats, while at other times it shows up as cold, cutting remarks meant to wound you emotionally. Their goal is to punish you for daring to step away from their influence.

This outburst is more than just a loss of temper—it's their way of trying to regain power by scaring or intimidating you into submission. It's rooted in the narcissist's inability to process rejection in a healthy way. As author and psychologist Craig Malkin puts it, “For a narcissist, rage is a response to helplessness. They feel out of control, and it terrifies them, so they lash out” (Rethinking Narcissism).

They Manipulate You By Triangulation

Triangulation is a tactic narcissists use to create competition and chaos by bringing a third party into the mix. This could be a friend, family member, or even a romantic interest, and they use this person to manipulate your emotions. The narcissist might tell you things like, “So-and-so thinks you're overreacting,” or “I never had this issue with them,” making you feel isolated and insecure.

Triangulation serves to heighten the narcissist's control. By making you feel that others are involved, they force you to question yourself and your worth. It becomes an emotional game of trying to “win” the narcissist's favor or approval, further entrenching you in their manipulation. Psychologically, this technique erodes your self-confidence and increases your dependency on the narcissist, as you begin to seek validation from the very person who's causing your distress.

What's worse, triangulation isn't just about causing jealousy. It's about destabilizing your relationships with others. The narcissist thrives on seeing people turn against each other, which makes them the sole point of focus and control in your life. It's a toxic and divisive move that leaves you doubting everyone but them.

They Use Silent Treatment and Trauma Bonding Tactics

The silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation that narcissists frequently use when they lose control. They withdraw communication entirely, creating an eerie silence that makes you feel ignored, unimportant, and desperate to fix things. This tactic taps into your fear of abandonment and plays with your need for validation, making you more likely to apologize or give in, just to get them to talk to you again.

This is where trauma bonding often comes into play. Trauma bonding occurs when a narcissist alternates between moments of affection and cruelty, leaving you constantly off balance. It's the highs and lows of the relationship that create an emotional addiction. You're left chasing the positive reinforcement they occasionally offer while enduring the psychological abuse. The silent treatment reinforces this cycle, pushing you to crave their attention and making it harder to leave.

The danger of trauma bonding is that it keeps you locked in a cycle of emotional turmoil. You start to associate brief moments of kindness or attention with relief from the ongoing mistreatment, which hooks you deeper into the relationship. Breaking free from this manipulation requires awareness of the cycle and a conscious effort to detach emotionally.

They Might Bait You to Get a Reaction

When a narcissist feels that they're losing control, they'll often try to bait you into reacting. This can be done through provoking comments, passive-aggressive behavior, or deliberate sabotage of things you care about. The goal is to make you lash out, which gives them the opportunity to twist the narrative and claim that you're the unreasonable one. It also reestablishes their control by putting the focus back on your reaction, rather than their behavior.

Baiting is a psychological trick to make you feel powerless and frustrated. You might feel a growing sense of anger or injustice, which is exactly what the narcissist wants. By engaging with their provocations, you validate their belief that they can still affect you emotionally. It's all about making you appear unstable, while they maintain the façade of calm, reasonable authority.

The best defense against this tactic is to not engage. As hard as it may be, keeping your cool denies the narcissist the satisfaction of controlling your emotions. When they realize their bait isn't working, it disrupts their strategy and shows them that you're no longer willing to play their game.

They Discard You First

One of the cruelest moves a narcissist can make is discarding you before you get the chance to fully break free. Once they sense you're close to leaving or have emotionally detached, they'll often try to beat you to it. This is their way of maintaining a sense of control even in the breakup. By discarding you first, they can frame the narrative as if they were the ones who chose to walk away.

The discard phase often comes suddenly, without warning, leaving you feeling blindsided. They may quickly move on to someone new, making it seem like you never mattered in the first place. This tactic leaves you questioning your self-worth, wondering how they could so easily replace you after everything you shared. It's an emotional power play designed to make you feel small and insignificant.

Remember, the discard isn't about you. It's about the narcissist's fragile ego and their need to control the narrative. By leaving you first, they protect themselves from feeling vulnerable or rejected. In reality, their abrupt departure is just another form of manipulation, another way to avoid accountability for their actions.

They Replace You With Someone Else

A narcissist's need for admiration and attention is unending, so when they can no longer control you, they often replace you with someone else. This new person becomes their fresh source of supply—a term often used in psychology to describe the emotional energy narcissists crave. They'll flaunt this new relationship, either subtly or overtly, to make you feel even more insignificant and hurt.

What's particularly painful about this tactic is how quickly they seem to move on. While you're left processing the emotional wreckage, they're already parading their new “perfect” partner around, seemingly unbothered. The reality, however, is that this new relationship is just another cycle of manipulation. They'll treat the new person the same way they treated you once the honeymoon phase wears off. It's not about love or connection for them—it's about having someone to control.

Seeing them with someone new can trigger feelings of self-doubt, but remember: this is part of their manipulative pattern. Replacing you isn't a reflection of your worth; it's a reflection of their inability to form genuine, meaningful connections. The new person is simply their next target, not a sign of their personal growth or change.

How to Break Free from the Narcissist's Grasp

Breaking free from a narcissist is challenging, but it's possible. The first step is recognizing the toxic patterns and understanding that their behavior is not your fault. The emotional manipulation they use—whether it's gaslighting, triangulation, or the silent treatment—has been designed to wear you down and keep you dependent. But once you can see these tactics for what they are, you gain the power to resist.

Setting firm boundaries is essential. Narcissists will push against any limits you establish, but consistency is key. Whether that means limiting communication or cutting ties completely, it's important to protect your emotional and mental health. Therapy and support from friends and loved ones can also be invaluable as you navigate the healing process.

Ultimately, reclaiming your power means rediscovering your own sense of self-worth. Remember, the narcissist's behavior was never a reflection of who you are. You are more than enough, and no amount of manipulation can change that. Healing takes time, but with each step away from the narcissist's control, you come closer to rebuilding a life where you are truly free.

Recommended Resources

• Don't You Know Who I Am? by Dr. Ramani Durvasula
• The Gaslight Effect by Dr. Robin Stern
• Rethinking Narcissism by Dr. Craig Malkin