7 Shocking Signs of Conversational Narcissism (and How to Handle It)

Key Takeaways:

• Conversational narcissists dominate discussions.
• Lack of empathy drives this behavior.
• Insecurity often fuels their need.
• It can damage relationships significantly.
• Setting boundaries helps manage interactions.

What is conversational narcissism?

Conversational narcissism is more than just hogging the spotlight in a conversation—it's a deep, almost unconscious compulsion to steer every interaction back to oneself. Whether the topic is small talk or something more meaningful, a conversational narcissist finds ways to turn the discussion towards their own experiences, opinions, and feelings. Have you ever spoken to someone who consistently interrupts or barely acknowledges what you've said before launching into their own stories? That's conversational narcissism in action.

It's not always intentional, but it can feel deeply invalidating to the other person. When we can't connect in a back-and-forth exchange, the emotional weight of the conversation shifts. Conversations become a one-way street, and over time, this can leave us feeling unheard, unappreciated, and sometimes even resentful.

What causes conversational narcissism?

The reasons behind conversational narcissism can be complex and varied. Often, it stems from a deep need for attention and validation, where the individual craves acknowledgment to soothe an underlying insecurity. Dr. Charles Derber, who coined the term in his book The Pursuit of Attention, explains how these individuals feel an intense need to be heard, almost as if they fear becoming invisible in social settings.

Other causes can include learned behavior from influential figures, such as parents or mentors who modeled this conversational style. When someone grows up watching people constantly dominate conversations, they may think this is a normal or effective way to communicate. But there's more. Some conversational narcissists act out of a desire for control, manipulating the dialogue to keep it centered on themselves as a means of maintaining power. Finally, there are cultural and societal influences that prioritize individualism, pushing some people to focus on personal achievement over collective empathy.

7 telling signs of conversational narcissism

It can be hard to identify conversational narcissism at first. Sometimes, we assume the person just loves to talk, but as the conversation unfolds, certain patterns emerge. Here are seven signs to look out for that indicate you're dealing with a conversational narcissist:

1. Constantly shifting the topic to themselves: No matter where the conversation starts, they'll always bring it back to their own experiences.
2. Interrupting others: They often cut people off mid-sentence, showing little regard for what the other person is saying.
3. Giving minimal acknowledgment of others' input: When they do let someone else speak, they offer brief or dismissive responses, quickly steering the conversation back.
4. Engaging in competitive conversing: They view conversations as a way to one-up others, sharing stories that are bigger, better, or more dramatic.
5. Showing a lack of empathy in responses: Their responses tend to lack emotional depth or understanding, focusing instead on their own experiences.
6. Excessively praising themselves: They use conversations as a platform to highlight their achievements, successes, or qualities.
7. Manipulating conversations: They subtly guide discussions to topics that allow them to take center stage, often controlling the flow of the dialogue.

7 impacts of conversational narcissism on relationships

Conversational narcissism doesn't just drain the person on the receiving end—it can also cause long-term damage to relationships. When communication is one-sided, trust and emotional connection start to erode. Let's explore seven common impacts:

1. Diminished feeling of being heard and understood: Over time, the other person feels invisible, as though their thoughts and emotions don't matter.
2. Erosion of mutual respect: When one person constantly dominates conversations, it undermines the respect needed for a healthy relationship.
3. Increased conflict and tension: Frustration builds up, leading to more frequent arguments and unresolved issues.
4. Loss of emotional intimacy: Without balanced communication, the emotional bond between partners weakens, leaving the relationship vulnerable.
5. Decreased satisfaction and happiness in the relationship: Feeling unheard or dismissed can take the joy out of spending time together.
6. Potential isolation and loneliness: If one person is always ignored, they may start to feel lonely, even in the presence of their partner.
7. Hindered personal growth and development: Being in a conversation where you're constantly overshadowed can stunt personal expression and growth.

How to deal with conversational narcissism

Dealing with a conversational narcissist can be exhausting, but there are practical ways to manage it without completely draining yourself. The goal isn't necessarily to "fix" the person—because let's face it, that's a tall order—but to protect your own emotional well-being and preserve the integrity of the conversation. Here are some effective strategies:

1. Set clear boundaries: Let them know when their behavior becomes overwhelming or disrespectful. It can be tough, but calmly expressing how their actions affect you helps set limits.
2. Practice active listening: By modeling healthy communication, you can subtly encourage them to engage in more reciprocal dialogue.
3. Provide constructive feedback: Instead of simply enduring the behavior, give gentle feedback, focusing on how the conversation could be more balanced.
4. Avoid reinforcing the behavior: Resist the urge to feed into their self-centeredness by consistently shifting the attention back onto them. Gently steer the conversation to be more inclusive.
5. Encourage empathy: Try to ask questions that force them to consider others' perspectives, which may help bring some balance to the conversation.
6. Seek common ground: Guide the dialogue to topics that interest both parties, fostering a more equal exchange.
7. Know when to disengage: Sometimes, you just need to step back. When the conversation becomes too self-centered or draining, politely change the subject or exit the conversation.

Can conversational narcissism be changed?

Is it possible for a conversational narcissist to change? The answer isn't black and white. Change is certainly possible, but it requires a high level of self-awareness—something that many conversational narcissists lack. The first step is for the person to recognize their behavior and its negative impact on others. Without this, change is unlikely.

Therapists and communication experts suggest that personal growth in this area involves developing greater empathy and learning to value other people's input. In fact, according to psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula, "Shifting the focus from oneself to others is a learned skill. It takes effort, but it's not impossible." However, even if a conversational narcissist becomes aware of their tendencies, it often takes time and commitment to undo ingrained habits.

That being said, for those of us on the receiving end of these interactions, it's important to manage our expectations. We may not be able to change someone entirely, but we can certainly influence the dynamic by setting boundaries and offering feedback. Over time, with the right effort and self-reflection, conversational narcissists can learn to engage in more balanced conversations, but it's a gradual process.

Is conversational narcissism part of narcissistic personality disorder?

It's easy to jump to conclusions and think that conversational narcissism is synonymous with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), but the truth is a little more nuanced. While both behaviors share some characteristics—such as a focus on self—conversational narcissism doesn't always meet the clinical criteria for NPD.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a deeply ingrained, long-term pattern of behavior that goes far beyond conversational habits. People with NPD typically have an inflated sense of self-importance, a need for excessive admiration, and a lack of empathy that extends into many aspects of their lives, not just their conversations. On the other hand, someone who engages in conversational narcissism may not display these traits in other areas.

That being said, there can be overlap. Dr. Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist and author of Rethinking Narcissism, explains, “All narcissists are not created equal. Some are conversational narcissists, while others have the more severe traits of full-blown NPD. Both are harmful in relationships, but it's important to distinguish the two.”

So, while conversational narcissism can be a symptom of NPD, not everyone who dominates conversations has the disorder. Sometimes, it's simply a bad habit rooted in insecurity or lack of awareness rather than a clinical issue.

How to talk to someone about their conversational narcissism

Bringing up someone's conversational narcissism can feel like walking on eggshells. After all, you're pointing out a behavior that could be a blind spot for them. But if it's affecting your relationship or draining you emotionally, it's important to address it. The key is to approach the conversation with empathy and a constructive mindset.

Start by choosing the right moment. It's crucial to avoid confronting them in the heat of an argument or during a conversation when they're already dominating the floor. Instead, find a neutral time to discuss the issue, where both of you can talk calmly. Use “I” statements to frame the conversation around your feelings rather than making it about their flaws. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen,” you might say, “I sometimes feel unheard when I don't get a chance to share my thoughts.” This keeps the conversation from feeling accusatory.

Offering specific examples can also help them understand what you mean. Mention instances where the conversation felt one-sided, but don't overwhelm them with a long list. Keep it balanced by expressing that you value the relationship and want to improve communication, not tear them down. After all, the goal is to open up a dialogue, not create defensiveness.

Lastly, be prepared for some resistance. If this is a deeply ingrained habit, they may not take the feedback well initially. But over time, with consistent, gentle reminders, they may start to become more mindful of their conversational habits.

Can conversational narcissism develop unintentionally?

Absolutely, conversational narcissism can creep up on someone without them even realizing it. Not every conversational narcissist is aware that they're dominating the dialogue. Sometimes, it's a learned behavior picked up from family, friends, or even workplace dynamics, where being assertive or the center of attention is rewarded.

People can unintentionally fall into these habits out of a desire to be liked or to fit in. They may feel pressure to share their experiences or opinions more prominently to connect with others, but over time, this can turn into a pattern where they stop listening altogether. It's not that they don't care about what others have to say, but rather that they're not fully aware of how their behavior affects the conversation.

In many cases, conversational narcissism develops as a response to insecurity. When someone feels uncertain about their value in a social setting, they may overcompensate by talking more or shifting the focus to themselves. In their mind, they're trying to prove their worth, but in reality, they're alienating the people they want to connect with. This unintentional form of conversational narcissism can be just as damaging as the more overt kind, and it's often harder to address because the person isn't deliberately being self-centered.

Practical advice for dealing with conversational narcissists

Dealing with a conversational narcissist requires patience and strategy. The goal isn't to completely overhaul the other person's behavior (which would be unrealistic) but rather to navigate conversations in a way that protects your emotional energy and ensures you're being heard. Here's some practical advice to keep in mind:

1. Don't take it personally: Remember, conversational narcissism is often more about their insecurities than about you. Keep that in perspective.
2. Be assertive: Don't hesitate to assert yourself in conversations. If you're constantly being interrupted, calmly say, “I'd like to finish my thought first.”
3. Set time limits: If you know someone tends to dominate conversations, set a mental time limit. If the conversation becomes too draining, politely excuse yourself.
4. Offer constructive feedback: As mentioned earlier, offering gentle feedback can help them realize their behavior. But be prepared for it to take time for them to change.
5. Know when to disengage: Sometimes, the best course of action is to disengage entirely. If the conversation becomes too draining or feels one-sided, it's okay to bow out. Not every dialogue is worth the emotional effort.

By being mindful of how you approach these interactions, you can protect your well-being while still maintaining the relationship. At the end of the day, it's about striking a balance between empathy for the conversational narcissist and preserving your own emotional space.

Summing up

Conversational narcissism is more than just an annoyance—it can damage relationships, create frustration, and leave others feeling unheard. Whether intentional or not, this behavior often stems from deeper needs for validation, attention, or insecurity. It's important to recognize the signs early and to understand that while you can't necessarily change someone else, you can certainly manage your own emotional well-being.

Remember, dealing with a conversational narcissist requires a delicate balance of empathy and self-preservation. Setting boundaries, offering gentle feedback, and knowing when to disengage are crucial tools in navigating these interactions. You don't need to sacrifice your own voice just to keep the conversation going.

At the end of the day, it's about finding ways to foster more balanced and fulfilling conversations where both parties feel heard, respected, and valued. Whether you're dealing with this behavior from a friend, partner, or coworker, the strategies we've explored can help you maintain healthier communication without getting emotionally drained.

Recommended Resources

• The Pursuit of Attention by Charles Derber – A foundational text on the nature of conversational narcissism.
• Rethinking Narcissism by Dr. Craig Malkin – A modern take on the spectrum of narcissism and how to manage it in relationships.
• Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Dr. Ramani Durvasula – A guide to dealing with narcissistic behaviors in relationships, offering practical advice for maintaining boundaries.