13 Shocking Signs You're Dealing with a Sexual Narcissist (Must Read!)

Key Takeaways:

• Narcissists prioritize their sexual needs.
• Lack of emotional connection after sex.
• Sexual coercion and manipulation are common.
• Charming behavior often hides toxicity.
• Setting boundaries is critical for healing.

What is a Sexual Narcissist?

A sexual narcissist is someone who views sex as an act centered around their own needs, desires, and satisfaction, rather than a shared experience. They often use their partner as a tool for validation, ignoring emotional connection, and focusing primarily on their pleasure. While narcissism in general manifests as a need for attention, admiration, and control, when it comes to sexual narcissists, the bed becomes the stage where this need is magnified.

According to experts like Dr. Ramani Durvasula, author of "Don't You Know Who I Am?", sexual narcissists tend to view their partners as objects rather than people. This dynamic leaves the partner feeling used, neglected, and emotionally drained. In extreme cases, sexual narcissists may also resort to manipulation or coercion, placing their partners in uncomfortable or harmful situations.

Sex, for them, is rarely about emotional intimacy or a deeper bond—it is about domination, control, and self-gratification. The emotional void that follows an encounter with a sexual narcissist is all too familiar for those who have experienced it. They may feel abandoned, invisible, or even ashamed after being subjected to such self-centered behaviors.

Is Your Partner a Sexual Narcissist?

It can be hard to pinpoint if you're dealing with a sexual narcissist because their charming and magnetic personality may have initially swept you off your feet. But when you start feeling like sex is more of a performance than a connection or that your needs are regularly dismissed, it might be time to take a closer look.

Sexual narcissists often leave a trail of emotional wounds, and you may be feeling confused about whether it's "you" or "them." Let me tell you this—it's often them. Narcissists thrive on creating an illusion of love and intimacy, but underneath that facade lies a calculated attempt to control and manipulate. They want you to feel desirable, but only to feed their own ego.

Ask yourself: Is the focus always on their satisfaction? Do they disregard your emotional needs after sex? If yes, these are significant red flags of sexual narcissism. Their behavior is not just selfish—it can be damaging to your emotional well-being.

13 Signs Your Partner May Be a Sexual Narcissist

Being in a relationship with a sexual narcissist can be emotionally exhausting and confusing. They often blur the lines between genuine intimacy and selfish manipulation. Below are 13 key signs that may indicate your partner is a sexual narcissist, behaviors that can leave you feeling drained, unseen, and unfulfilled.

1. Your Significant Other Ignores You After Sex

One of the most painful signs that you might be dealing with a sexual narcissist is the emotional disconnection that follows an intimate moment. After sex, you might find yourself feeling invisible, like the entire encounter was solely about them. Instead of staying connected or engaging in post-intimacy bonding, they retreat, leaving you feeling emotionally abandoned.

This is a classic behavior of sexual narcissists—they have already achieved what they wanted from the encounter, and now your feelings or need for closeness no longer serve them. Renowned psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula points out that “Narcissists often seek validation, not connection. After sex, their emotional walls come right back up, leaving you feeling isolated.”

The contrast between how engaged they seem during sex and how quickly they pull away afterward can be incredibly confusing. If you regularly feel emotionally shut out right after intimacy, this could be a clear sign that your partner lacks any interest in real emotional closeness.

2. Your Partner is Repeatedly Unfaithful

Infidelity is often more than a physical act for sexual narcissists—it's a way to feed their insatiable ego. Narcissists are constantly seeking attention and admiration, and that can manifest as multiple affairs or casual sexual encounters with others. They might justify their behavior by claiming they were "bored" or that "it's just sex," but the truth is, it's about the validation they get from knowing they're desired by someone else.

Studies on narcissistic behavior show that sexual narcissists have a heightened sense of entitlement when it comes to their needs, especially in the realm of intimacy. They often feel that monogamy restricts them from achieving the attention they crave from different people.

If your partner has a history of infidelity, and seems unfazed by how it affects you, this can be another red flag. Their repeated unfaithfulness isn't about love or connection; it's about bolstering their own self-esteem at the expense of your trust and well-being.

3. Sex is All About Your Partner's Needs

Does it feel like your partner is the only one benefiting from your intimate moments? If sex in your relationship revolves entirely around their needs, desires, and preferences, that's a glaring sign of sexual narcissism. Sexual narcissists approach intimacy with a "me first" mentality—your satisfaction is secondary, if it matters at all.

They might be entirely uninterested in your comfort or pleasure and even become irritated if you try to shift the focus away from them. In these moments, intimacy starts to feel one-sided, leaving you feeling unsatisfied and emotionally distant. This imbalance can erode the relationship over time, as it reduces something that should be shared into a performance of fulfilling their expectations.

Relationship expert Dr. Wendy Behary explains, “Narcissists often see sex as a way to affirm their own worth. They're less interested in the shared experience of pleasure and more in how well they are being admired, desired, or praised for their performance.” When it's all about their needs, it's hard to build genuine emotional intimacy.

4. Your Partner Makes You Feel Guilty for Expressing Your Needs

When you try to communicate your own desires or needs, how does your partner react? If their response is to make you feel guilty or selfish for wanting something different, then you're likely dealing with a sexual narcissist. These individuals have a way of flipping the script and turning a normal, healthy conversation into something that feels uncomfortable or even accusatory.

Perhaps you ask for more emotional connection or express that you need something new in your intimate life. Instead of being met with understanding, you're met with criticism or guilt-tripping. Sexual narcissists are quick to make you feel like your needs are unreasonable or a burden, forcing you to prioritize their satisfaction over your own.

This manipulation tactic can leave you feeling silenced, anxious about voicing any concerns in the future, and constantly walking on eggshells. It's important to recognize that expressing your needs is not selfish; it's essential for a healthy relationship. But for a narcissist, any request for equality can feel like a personal attack.

5. Rejecting Them Sexually Leads to Emotional Outbursts or Abuse

A healthy relationship thrives on mutual respect, especially when it comes to intimacy. But with a sexual narcissist, rejecting their advances—whether you're tired, stressed, or simply not in the mood—can lead to emotional outbursts, manipulation, or even abusive behavior. They take rejection personally, viewing it as a direct threat to their ego rather than a natural part of any relationship.

When you say no, they might explode in anger, give you the silent treatment, or make you feel guilty. Some might even turn to emotional manipulation, making you feel like you owe them intimacy. Over time, this behavior can create a toxic cycle where you feel pressured into sex just to avoid conflict.

This coercive dynamic is dangerous and deeply damaging. Psychologist and author Dr. Lundy Bancroft explains that “narcissists often perceive rejection as an insult to their identity, which is why they react with such aggression or manipulation.” If rejecting sex leads to these kinds of responses, it's a sign your partner values control more than your well-being.

6. Your Partner is Very Charming

Charm is one of the most deceptive tools in a sexual narcissist's arsenal. At the start of the relationship, they may have swept you off your feet with grand romantic gestures, sweet words, and a magnetic personality that drew you in. You may have felt like the luckiest person alive. But over time, you started to notice that the charm came with conditions—it's only there when they're getting what they want.

Sexual narcissists often use charm to manipulate their partners, turning it on when they need to win you over and withdrawing it when things don't go their way. It can be confusing because they seem so kind and loving when things are going their way, but that charm quickly fades when they face any form of resistance.

As author Craig Malkin mentions in his book, Rethinking Narcissism, “Narcissists use charm as a social tool to ensure they're always in the spotlight. When you no longer serve their needs, the charm disappears.” So if your partner's charm feels more like a performance and less like genuine affection, it's another indication you might be dealing with a sexual narcissist.

7. Your Significant Other Seems to Perform During Sex

When you're with a sexual narcissist, intimacy can start to feel like a scripted performance. Rather than engaging in a genuine, shared experience, your partner might treat sex like a show, constantly concerned with how they're coming across rather than how connected you both feel. It's as if they're acting out a role to impress you, but their real focus is on their own ego and how they're being perceived.

You may notice that they are more concerned about their performance than about the emotional bond that should come with intimacy. Compliments about their “skills” might seem almost rehearsed, and they could be more focused on how you view them rather than whether the experience was fulfilling for both of you.

Dr. Sam Vaknin, a well-known expert on narcissism, says, “For narcissists, sex is another stage on which to display their prowess. The performance is not about connection but about maintaining control and being admired.” If sex feels more like a theatrical event than an intimate moment, your partner could be displaying traits of a sexual narcissist.

8. Focus on Physical Qualities Rather Than Emotional Connection

For sexual narcissists, appearances are everything. They tend to fixate on physical attributes—either yours or their own—at the expense of emotional depth. If your partner is more concerned with how you look during intimacy, commenting excessively on your appearance or their own, rather than focusing on the emotional connection, this is a major red flag.

They might obsess over superficial qualities like body image, outfits, or even the setting, while completely disregarding how you feel emotionally. For a sexual narcissist, the surface matters more than the substance. They often have a skewed perception of intimacy, viewing it more as a physical achievement rather than a meaningful, emotional experience.

In relationships where emotional connection is lacking, the partner on the receiving end often feels unseen and undervalued. As relationship expert Esther Perel points out, “Narcissists have difficulty being vulnerable, and emotional vulnerability is essential for true intimacy.” So, if your partner is only focused on the physical and avoids any deeper emotional connection, it's likely they're unable or unwilling to engage in the full spectrum of intimacy.

9. Your Partner Criticizes Your Sexual Performance

One of the most damaging signs of a sexual narcissist is their relentless criticism of your sexual performance. Instead of appreciating the mutual effort and connection in intimacy, they focus on your perceived shortcomings. They might point out what they believe you're “doing wrong” or compare you unfavorably to others. This constant criticism can leave you feeling insecure, inadequate, and questioning your self-worth.

Sexual narcissists often project their own deep insecurities onto their partners, using criticism as a way to assert control and keep you off balance. The irony is that while they demand perfection from you, they rarely hold themselves to the same standard. Instead of fostering a healthy, open dialogue about intimacy, they weaponize critique, making you feel as though you're never good enough.

As clinical psychologist Dr. Jennifer Sweeton states, “Narcissists use criticism as a form of control, ensuring their partner remains dependent on their approval.” If your partner frequently criticizes your sexual performance, it's not about improving the relationship—it's about maintaining their dominance over you.

10. Your Entire Life Seems to Revolve Around Serving the Narcissist

In a relationship with a sexual narcissist, it often feels like everything revolves around them—their needs, their desires, their satisfaction. Over time, you may notice that your entire life begins to center on making sure they're happy, while your own needs and priorities fall by the wayside. It's exhausting, but the narcissist has a way of making you feel like this is normal, even necessary.

Sex becomes yet another area where you feel like you exist to serve. You may find yourself going out of your way to cater to their whims, whether it's constantly ensuring they're satisfied in bed or bending over backward to accommodate their preferences. This dynamic strips away your autonomy, leaving you feeling as though your value is tied solely to how well you serve them.

The emotional toll of this imbalance can be overwhelming. You might feel trapped, as if there's no space left for your own needs, dreams, or even basic self-care. As expert Dr. Karyl McBride notes, “Narcissists have an uncanny ability to make their partners feel as though the relationship exists solely for the narcissist's benefit.” If your life revolves around serving your partner's every need, it's time to recognize the unhealthy dynamics at play.

11. Lack of Interest in Your Pleasure or Satisfaction

A sexual narcissist's disregard for your pleasure is one of the clearest signs of their self-centeredness. They are often so consumed with their own gratification that they show little to no interest in whether or not you're satisfied. Intimacy becomes a one-sided experience where your needs are either overlooked or outright dismissed. This imbalance leaves you feeling unfulfilled and emotionally disconnected.

It's not just about the physical aspect of sex; it's about the emotional neglect that comes with it. A healthy relationship thrives on mutual satisfaction and connection, but with a sexual narcissist, the focus is entirely on their own experience. They may not even ask if you enjoyed the moment, or worse, they might assume that just because they're satisfied, you should be too.

Renowned sex therapist Esther Perel has noted that “True intimacy requires mutual care and attention, but narcissists are often incapable of providing that. They view their partner's needs as secondary to their own.” If your pleasure is consistently disregarded, it's a strong indicator that your partner lacks the emotional capacity for true intimacy.

12. Your Partner Uses Coercive or Manipulative Sexual Tactics

One of the most harmful behaviors of a sexual narcissist is their use of coercive or manipulative tactics to get what they want. This can manifest in subtle ways, such as guilt-tripping or emotional manipulation, or in more overt forms of pressure. You might feel as though you have no choice but to comply with their demands, as rejecting them leads to conflict or emotional blackmail.

Sex should never be something you feel obligated to engage in, yet sexual narcissists have a way of making you feel trapped. They might use phrases like “If you really loved me, you'd do this,” or they may withdraw affection until you give in. This kind of manipulation is not only unhealthy—it's a form of control that erodes your sense of self-worth and autonomy.

As Dr. Robert Weiss, an expert on sexual narcissism, explains, “Coercive sexual behavior is a hallmark of narcissistic relationships. The narcissist's goal is to dominate and control, often through emotional manipulation, rather than fostering mutual trust and respect.” If you find yourself being manipulated into intimacy, it's crucial to recognize that this behavior is both abusive and deeply damaging.

13. Excessive Focus on Appearance and Image

A sexual narcissist often fixates on appearances, both their own and yours, to an unhealthy degree. They are obsessed with how they look and how they are perceived by others. This excessive focus on physical image frequently seeps into the bedroom, where intimacy becomes more about how you both look together rather than how you feel. If your partner constantly comments on their appearance or is overly concerned with how they or you look during sex, it's a clear indication of their superficial nature.

They may make frequent, sometimes hurtful remarks about your body or appearance, pushing you to conform to their ideal of beauty. It's not uncommon for a sexual narcissist to make you feel as though your value in the relationship is tied to your looks. This kind of objectification can leave you feeling insecure and disconnected, as their concern for appearance often overshadows any emotional depth or intimacy.

As author and narcissism expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula says, “For the narcissist, how they appear to the world is more important than how they are in private. Their need for admiration extends to the bedroom, where they see their partner's appearance as a reflection of their own status.” If your partner's focus is primarily on looks, it's a sign of emotional shallowness and a lack of true intimacy.

5 Ways to Deal with a Sexual Narcissist

If you recognize the signs of a sexual narcissist in your relationship, it's important to take steps to protect your emotional well-being. Navigating a relationship with a sexual narcissist can be challenging, but you don't have to feel powerless. Here are five strategies that can help you regain control and prioritize your mental health.

1. Establish Boundaries

Boundaries are crucial when dealing with a sexual narcissist. These individuals thrive on pushing limits, testing how far they can manipulate and control you. By clearly defining your boundaries, you protect your emotional and physical well-being. It may feel daunting to say “no” or assert your needs, but it's essential to recognize that boundaries are about self-respect and self-care.

When establishing boundaries, be specific. Communicate what behaviors are unacceptable and what you need from the relationship. For example, if you feel objectified or ignored after sex, clearly state that this is something that must change. The key is consistency—once you set your limits, stick to them. Narcissists will often try to push back or guilt-trip you into relenting, but holding firm is necessary for your mental health.

Author and relationship expert Dr. Henry Cloud emphasizes the importance of boundaries in toxic relationships, noting, “We change our lives when we set limits on what we will allow others to do to us.” Don't be afraid to prioritize your needs and assert your right to healthy, respectful treatment.

2. Seek Support

You don't have to navigate a relationship with a sexual narcissist on your own. Seeking support is one of the most empowering steps you can take. Whether it's confiding in a close friend, family member, or therapist, reaching out for help can provide you with clarity and strength. Narcissists often isolate their partners, making them feel as though they have nowhere to turn. By seeking external support, you break free from that isolation.

Therapists, in particular, can help you identify manipulative behaviors and offer strategies for coping. Support groups for individuals dealing with narcissistic abuse can also provide a safe space to share your experiences and learn from others who have been in similar situations.

Remember, there is no shame in asking for help. It's a courageous step toward regaining control of your life and ensuring that your emotional needs are met. As clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula states, “Narcissists thrive in silence, but when you reach out for support, you begin to dismantle the power they hold over you.”

3. Prioritize Self-Care

When you're entangled with a sexual narcissist, it's easy to forget about your own needs. You might find yourself constantly prioritizing their wants, leaving little room for your own mental and physical well-being. That's why self-care isn't just important—it's non-negotiable. Taking time to nurture yourself, physically and emotionally, can help rebuild the confidence and self-respect that may have been worn down by the relationship.

Self-care doesn't have to be elaborate. It can be as simple as carving out time for activities that bring you joy, engaging in mindfulness practices, or setting aside moments to recharge mentally. Whether it's a walk in nature, journaling, or spending time with loved ones, these practices allow you to reconnect with your own needs and desires, independent of your partner's expectations.

As Brene Brown, a leading researcher on vulnerability and self-worth, emphasizes, “Self-care is how you take your power back.” By prioritizing your well-being, you remind yourself that your happiness and peace matter, despite the emotional demands of the narcissist.

4. Educate Yourself

Understanding the dynamics of narcissism is a powerful tool in protecting yourself. When you educate yourself on the traits and tactics of a sexual narcissist, you're no longer in the dark. Knowledge can help you identify manipulation, set firmer boundaries, and detach emotionally when necessary. The more you learn about narcissistic behavior, the better equipped you'll be to safeguard your mental and emotional health.

Start by reading books or articles from credible sources on narcissism and its impact on relationships. You might also consider watching videos or joining forums that discuss these topics. The goal is to arm yourself with enough information to recognize unhealthy patterns and decide how to move forward with clarity.

As author Craig Malkin puts it, “Education helps victims of narcissistic abuse reclaim their reality.” By deepening your understanding of narcissism, you gain the insight and strength needed to either navigate the relationship with more awareness or leave it altogether.

5. Consider Professional Help

When dealing with a sexual narcissist, the emotional toll can become overwhelming. If you've tried setting boundaries, prioritizing self-care, and seeking support but still feel trapped in the toxic dynamics, it may be time to consider professional help. Therapy, both individual and couples, can provide essential tools for navigating the complexities of narcissistic relationships.

A skilled therapist can help you recognize patterns of manipulation, build healthier coping mechanisms, and work through the emotional trauma caused by the narcissist's behavior. If your partner is willing to participate in couples therapy, this might provide a space for honest communication and potential change. However, it's important to note that many narcissists resist therapy or use it as another tool to manipulate.

In cases where your emotional health is severely compromised, therapy can also help you make the difficult decision to leave the relationship. As psychotherapist Dr. Karyl McBride advises, “Professional help provides a safe space to process the damage caused by a narcissist and rebuild a sense of self.” Don't hesitate to reach out for expert guidance—it can be the key to reclaiming your life.

FAQs About Narcissists and Sexual Behavior

Navigating a relationship with a sexual narcissist can raise many questions. Below are some frequently asked questions that might help clarify what you're experiencing and how to handle it.

Are Narcissists Promiscuous?

Not all narcissists are promiscuous, but many engage in promiscuous behavior as a way to feed their ego and need for validation. They often seek multiple partners or engage in affairs to feel admired and desired by others. The attention they receive from promiscuity fuels their sense of superiority and control.

What Turns a Narcissist On Sexually?

For a narcissist, the most powerful turn-on is the sense of control and validation they get from their partner. They thrive on the idea that they are desired, admired, and in complete control during sexual encounters. Their focus is more on their own pleasure, often ignoring their partner's emotional needs and desires.

Can a Narcissist Change?

While change is possible, it's incredibly difficult for a narcissist to alter their deep-rooted behaviors, particularly when it comes to sexual narcissism. Therapy can help, but it requires a genuine willingness to acknowledge their flaws and commit to the hard work of transformation—something many narcissists resist.

How Can I Protect Myself?

Setting clear boundaries, seeking support, and educating yourself about narcissism are critical steps in protecting yourself. If the relationship is causing severe emotional damage, consider seeking professional help or leaving the relationship to safeguard your mental and emotional well-being.