Why Holding On Makes Us Suffer (Here's the Cure)

Key Takeaways:

• Attachment often leads to suffering.
• Impermanence is a core Buddhist concept.
• Neuroscience shows that change is constant.
• Letting go reduces psychological burdens.
• Mindfulness helps embrace impermanence.

The Struggle with Attachment and Suffering

We've all felt the sting of loss or the anxiety of change. Whether it's a relationship ending, a career shift, or even something as simple as losing a favorite item, these moments of upheaval hurt deeply. Why? Because we are attached. The more we cling to things, the more suffering we invite into our lives.

In the words of Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh, “Attachment to views is the greatest impediment to the spiritual path.” Yet, many of us are guilty of this — we hold tight to people, outcomes, and even identities that no longer serve us. When we fail to acknowledge impermanence, we set ourselves up for ongoing disappointment.

It's not just a spiritual idea. Modern psychology backs this up too. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) often addresses the emotional toll of holding onto fixed beliefs and expectations. In this article, we'll explore why attachment leads to suffering and how embracing the concept of impermanence can lighten the emotional load.

What is Attachment and Why Does it Cause Suffering?

Attachment is the emotional bond we form with people, possessions, or even ideas. It gives us a sense of security, but it also sets us up for disappointment. This is because everything — and I mean everything — changes. When we try to hold on to things that are naturally meant to evolve or fade, we create a gap between our expectations and reality. That gap is what causes suffering.

Buddhist teachings make it clear: attachment leads to dukkha, a Sanskrit term often translated as “suffering” or “unsatisfactoriness.” It's not just about physical pain but emotional discomfort too. We become attached to our idealized versions of how things should be, which is where the struggle begins.

Psychologically, attachment to certain outcomes can lead to anxiety, depression, and even existential angst. We might say to ourselves, “If I don't have this job, I'll never be happy,” or “If this relationship ends, I'll be lost.” But in reality, these attachments are often illusions, keeping us stuck in cycles of stress and unhappiness.

Understanding Anitya: Impermanence in Buddhism

Anitya, or impermanence, is one of the core teachings in Buddhism. It reminds us that nothing in life is permanent — not our possessions, our relationships, or even our feelings. Everything is in a constant state of flux. Buddhists often use the metaphor of a sand mandala, a beautiful and intricate design made of colored sand, which is ceremoniously destroyed after its completion to signify the fleeting nature of all things.

Understanding anitya can be liberating. When we truly grasp that nothing lasts forever, we stop holding on so tightly. We stop fearing change because we recognize it as the natural order of life. Instead of resisting impermanence, we learn to flow with it, accepting that life's ebb and flow is out of our control. As philosopher Alan Watts famously said, “The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.”

Neuroscience Proves: Change is Constant, Even in Our Brains

It's not just spiritual teachings that emphasize the impermanence of life. Neuroscience supports this idea too. Our brains are wired for change. Neuroplasticity, the brain's ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections, is living proof of this. When we learn new skills, adopt new habits, or face life's challenges, our brains physically change and adapt.

This constant change in our brains can be both empowering and daunting. On one hand, it gives us the ability to grow, heal, and evolve. On the other, it forces us to confront the fact that even our thoughts, identities, and memories are not fixed. Everything, even our internal landscape, is in a state of flux. But, embracing this truth can help us stop clinging to rigid self-concepts or outdated beliefs about ourselves.

Neuroscientist David Eagleman writes, “The brain is a dynamic system, constantly changing its structure in response to the environment, to the demands of the task at hand, and to the events of daily life.” This is both comforting and a bit unsettling, but ultimately it means we're never stuck in one way of thinking or being.

The Psychological Burden of Attachment

Attachment weighs heavily on our minds, even when we don't realize it. The more we cling to people, possessions, or ideas, the more mental energy we expend on trying to maintain those attachments. We often hold onto relationships long past their expiration date or fixate on past mistakes, hoping somehow we can reverse them. All of this mental clinging adds stress and tension to our lives.

According to psychologist Carl Jung, “What you resist not only persists, but will grow in size.” When we cling to something out of fear of losing it, we paradoxically amplify our anxiety and fear around it. The more attached we are, the more fearful we become of change, which only intensifies our suffering. This creates a mental burden that, over time, can lead to burnout, emotional exhaustion, and even physical symptoms like headaches and insomnia.

What's interesting is that this burden often exists on a subconscious level. We may not be actively thinking about these attachments all the time, but they are always there, looming over us, influencing our emotions, decisions, and overall sense of well-being. The psychological toll is real, but it's also avoidable — if we're willing to let go.

Why We Resist Change: The Comfort of the Known

Change is inevitable, yet many of us resist it. Why? Because the familiar, even if it's uncomfortable, feels safer than the unknown. We're creatures of habit, and the predictability of what we already know — whether it's a job, a relationship, or a routine — gives us a sense of control. But this comfort is often deceptive.

At the heart of our resistance is the brain's inherent bias toward security. Our survival instincts tell us to stick with what's familiar because venturing into new territory could be risky. This cognitive bias is called the status quo bias, a psychological phenomenon where we favor the current state of affairs over change, even when the change could be beneficial.

However, resisting change doesn't just limit our potential for growth; it also traps us in patterns that no longer serve us. We may stay in toxic relationships because “it's what we know,” or we might resist career changes because of the fear of failure, even when the current situation makes us unhappy. The comfort zone is not a place of peace — it's a prison of our own making.

To break free, we need to embrace discomfort as a necessary part of growth. As leadership expert John C. Maxwell puts it, “Change is inevitable. Growth is optional.” The choice is always ours.

Embracing Impermanence: The Key to Reducing Suffering

The path to reducing suffering lies in one simple yet profound realization: everything is temporary. Once we accept that nothing lasts forever, not even our pain or joy, we can begin to let go of our attachments. It's in this act of letting go that we find true freedom.

Many spiritual teachings highlight that life is about flow, not fixation. The sooner we embrace this, the sooner we release ourselves from the chains of our expectations. When we understand that life is in a constant state of motion — that seasons change, people grow, and situations evolve — we stop fighting the inevitable. Instead of feeling trapped by the changes in our lives, we can learn to move with them. This doesn't mean becoming passive but rather accepting that change is part of the process, not something to fear.

As the philosopher Heraclitus once said, “The only constant in life is change.” This quote serves as a reminder that resisting change is futile. Embracing it, however, offers a deep sense of peace. The less we cling, the lighter we feel, both emotionally and mentally.

5 Ways to Embrace Impermanence and Let Go

So, how do we start embracing impermanence in our daily lives? Here are five actionable strategies to help you let go and find more peace:

1. Practice mindfulness regularly: Mindfulness teaches us to stay present in the moment. When we focus on the here and now, we naturally become more aware of the changing nature of everything around us, from our thoughts to our surroundings.
2. Develop gratitude for the present: Rather than clinging to what could be or lamenting what was, shift your focus to gratitude for what you have now. This makes it easier to let go when things inevitably change.
3. Challenge the need for control: Often, our attachment stems from a desire to control outcomes. Practice relinquishing that need. Ask yourself, “What can I let go of today?”
4. Reflect on past changes: Take some time to consider the major changes in your life. Did they lead to growth or new opportunities? Recognizing how change has shaped you positively can help ease future transitions.
5. Engage in meditation: Meditation encourages a deep sense of inner peace and acceptance. Through meditative practice, we learn to sit with our discomfort and acknowledge the transient nature of our thoughts and emotions.

By actively incorporating these practices into our daily lives, we begin to loosen our grip on things we can't control and open ourselves to the fluidity of life. Letting go is not about giving up; it's about making room for what's to come.

Mindfulness and Meditation for Accepting Change

Mindfulness and meditation are essential tools for embracing impermanence. When we meditate, we train ourselves to observe the present moment without judgment. This practice helps us become more comfortable with the ever-changing nature of life. We begin to realize that thoughts, emotions, and even physical sensations come and go, much like waves on the shore. Nothing stays forever, and that's perfectly okay.

Through mindfulness, we can cultivate a deep awareness of the transient nature of our experiences. For example, during a meditation session, you might notice how your thoughts shift from one thing to the next, or how a feeling of discomfort passes after a few minutes. These small realizations can lead to larger breakthroughs, teaching us that nothing in life is permanent, not even our hardships.

As Jon Kabat-Zinn, the father of modern mindfulness practices, puts it, “You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.” In other words, while we can't control the changes happening around us, mindfulness allows us to ride through them with more ease and grace. Meditation is the training ground for this kind of mental flexibility. Through regular practice, we develop the ability to adapt, let go, and accept what comes without resistance.

The Role of Self-Compassion in Letting Go

Letting go is not just an intellectual process; it requires emotional resilience, and that's where self-compassion comes in. We often beat ourselves up when we struggle to release attachments, criticizing our inability to move on or adjust to change. However, being harsh with ourselves only tightens the grip on our suffering.

Self-compassion, as described by psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, is the ability to treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a close friend. When we practice self-compassion, we give ourselves permission to struggle without judgment. We acknowledge that change is difficult, and that it's okay to feel vulnerable as we go through it.

Letting go is hard. It's normal to feel sadness, anxiety, or fear when we face the unknown. But when we meet those feelings with compassion instead of criticism, we create space for healing and growth. As Neff says, “With self-compassion, we give ourselves the kindness and care we'd give to a good friend.” This gentle approach helps soften the pain of letting go and encourages us to move forward without the heavy burden of self-judgment.

By practicing self-compassion, we give ourselves the emotional support we need to embrace change and release what no longer serves us. It's a powerful reminder that we are worthy of kindness, especially from ourselves, as we navigate the inevitable changes in life.

How to Build Resilience in a Changing World

In a world that never stops shifting, resilience is a crucial skill. Resilience is the ability to bounce back from adversity, and it's not something we're born with — it's something we cultivate. The good news is that, like any skill, it can be developed over time with intentional practice.

One way to build resilience is by focusing on what you can control rather than what you can't. When we spend too much time trying to influence things outside our reach — like the behavior of others or future outcomes — we drain our mental and emotional energy. Instead, redirecting that energy toward areas where we do have power, such as our mindset or actions, helps us feel more capable and less overwhelmed by change.

Another key component of resilience is adaptability. Life is full of unexpected twists, and those who learn to adjust quickly tend to experience less stress. This doesn't mean ignoring your feelings or pushing through tough times without acknowledging them. It means recognizing that discomfort is part of growth and that you have the inner strength to face it. Flexibility in how you approach challenges makes all the difference in how well you can cope with them.

Resilience also thrives in connection. Studies have shown that people with strong support networks are better able to handle life's changes. Whether it's friends, family, or even a professional therapist, having someone to talk to can provide the emotional grounding you need during turbulent times.

Real-Life Examples: How Letting Go Led to Personal Growth

Letting go is often the gateway to personal growth. Take the story of Sarah, a successful corporate lawyer who realized after years of climbing the career ladder that she was deeply unhappy. She had become so attached to the prestige of her job that the thought of leaving terrified her. But after months of reflection, she decided to let go of her high-powered position and pursue her passion for teaching yoga.

It wasn't easy. Sarah faced financial uncertainty and doubt from those around her, but in letting go of her attachment to status, she found a deeper sense of fulfillment. “I felt lighter than I ever had before,” she said. “I was no longer bound by the expectations of others or my own need for validation.” Sarah's decision to release what no longer aligned with her values allowed her to step into a life that brought her genuine happiness.

Another powerful example is Tom, who held on to a long-term relationship out of fear of being alone. Though the relationship had grown toxic, the comfort of familiarity kept him from leaving. After finally finding the courage to let go, Tom not only regained his sense of self but also discovered new interests and friendships that enriched his life. “I didn't realize how much I was holding myself back by staying in something that wasn't right for me,” he shared. “Letting go gave me the freedom to explore parts of myself I had forgotten about.”

Both Sarah and Tom show us that while letting go can be painful and daunting, it often leads to personal transformation. Their stories serve as a reminder that growth requires us to release what's weighing us down, making space for something new and better to emerge.

Conclusion: Living with Less Attachment and More Freedom

Living with less attachment doesn't mean living without love, passion, or purpose. It means recognizing that everything in life — from our possessions to our relationships — is temporary. By letting go of our desire to control and cling, we open ourselves to experiencing life with a deeper sense of peace and freedom. We become more adaptable, less anxious, and more present in the moment.

Letting go is a practice, not a one-time decision. It requires constant awareness, mindfulness, and self-compassion. But over time, the more we release our attachments, the more we notice the lightness that comes with it. We stop being weighed down by fear or disappointment, and instead, we start to flow with life's natural rhythms. The freedom that follows is not only emotional but spiritual — a freedom to be fully ourselves, fully alive, and fully at peace with whatever life brings.

In the words of the Dalai Lama, “Attachment is the origin, the root of suffering; hence it is the cause of suffering.” The path to freedom is about embracing change and allowing things to come and go as they naturally do. It is about learning to live in the present without trying to force the future or cling to the past. Ultimately, it is about letting go — and in doing so, finding a deeper, lasting joy.

Recommended Resources

• The Art of Happiness by Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler
• Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach
• Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins