What Happens When You Stop Chasing an Avoidant? (Surprising Insights)

Key Takeaways:

• Giving space can reset dynamics.
• Avoidants rarely chase after distancing.
• Focusing on yourself brings clarity.
• They might reach out eventually.
• Rejection often leads them to move on.

The Emotional Rollercoaster of Chasing an Avoidant

Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where it feels like you're constantly chasing the other person? You might be dealing with someone who has an avoidant attachment style. It's exhausting, isn't it? The constant push and pull, the uncertainty, and the emotional highs and lows can leave you feeling drained and questioning your self-worth. When you stop chasing an avoidant, the dynamics change dramatically—and not always in the way you expect.

This emotional rollercoaster can feel like it's never going to end. But what happens when you finally decide to stop chasing? What shifts occur in the relationship, and most importantly, within yourself? Let's dive deep into this psychological game of cat and mouse to uncover the surprising truths.

It Gives Them the Space They Crave

Avoidants often feel suffocated by too much closeness, which is why they tend to pull away when things get intense. When you stop chasing them, you're actually giving them exactly what they want—space. This might seem counterintuitive, especially when all you want is to be closer to them. But, as painful as it may be, letting go can be the very thing that allows the relationship to breathe.

Psychologist Dr. Amir Levine, co-author of Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment, explains that avoidants are wired to need more space than other attachment styles. “When you give them that space, you're not just respecting their needs; you're also giving them the chance to miss you.” This space isn't just a physical one; it's an emotional gap that allows them to recalibrate their feelings.

They Might Take Advantage of Their Newfound Freedom

When you stop chasing an avoidant partner, they might initially revel in their newfound freedom. This isn't necessarily a reflection of their feelings toward you but more a natural response to the space they've been given. Suddenly, they have the room to focus on themselves, their interests, and their needs without the pressure of maintaining close emotional ties. This could lead to them exploring new activities, socializing more, or even distancing themselves further emotionally.

This freedom can be intoxicating for someone who has felt overwhelmed by the intensity of a close relationship. However, it's essential to remember that this phase doesn't necessarily last. While they might seem more detached, this period of independence can also allow them to process their feelings without the noise of constant interaction. The key here is not to take it personally—it's less about you and more about their need for autonomy.

Once They Feel Comfortable Again, Their Feelings for You Start to Return

As time passes, and the avoidant partner becomes more comfortable in their own space, something interesting often happens—they begin to reconsider their feelings for you. The absence you've created by stepping back can lead to them missing the connection they once had with you. It's like a reset button for their emotions, allowing them to approach the relationship with a fresh perspective.

According to Dr. John Bowlby's Attachment Theory, avoidants might start to feel the pangs of loss as they begin to realize what they've been avoiding. The comfort of their solitude can start to feel lonely, and the emotional distance they once craved might now seem less appealing. When this happens, their feelings for you can start to resurface, often stronger and more genuine than before.

This doesn't mean that they'll come rushing back immediately. Avoidants tend to move slowly when it comes to reconnecting emotionally. But if you've given them the space they need, they might start to reach out, test the waters, and see if the connection they feel is still there.

They Start to Miss You: The Power of Absence

The saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" holds a special truth when it comes to dealing with avoidant partners. When you stop chasing, it's not just about giving them space—it's about creating a void in their life that they can't ignore. This absence can be a powerful force, triggering feelings of longing and nostalgia that they might not have expected. Suddenly, the moments you shared, the conversations you had, and the connection that once felt suffocating now seem more appealing.

In the quiet moments of solitude, they might begin to realize the value of what they had with you. It's in these times of reflection that they start to miss your presence, your support, and even the small routines that you both shared. This process can be slow, but it's a crucial part of their emotional journey. As they grapple with their feelings, the absence you've created serves as a catalyst for them to reassess what you mean to them.

They'll Reach Out to You and Test the Water

Once the avoidant partner begins to miss you, the next step is often a cautious one—they'll reach out, but in a way that feels safe for them. This might be a simple text, a casual social media interaction, or even a more direct message. Whatever form it takes, it's usually subtle, almost as if they're testing the water to see if it's safe to reconnect.

Dr. Sue Johnson, a leading expert in attachment theory, notes that avoidants are often wary of vulnerability. “When they reach out, it's not just about rekindling the relationship; it's about gauging your response and protecting themselves from potential rejection.” So, if they do reach out, it's a significant step. It shows that the space and absence you provided have allowed them to process their emotions and consider reestablishing the connection.

At this stage, your response is crucial. It's essential to maintain the balance between being open to their outreach and not immediately falling back into the chase. Let them come to you at their own pace. This approach can help establish a more balanced dynamic, where both of you feel secure and respected in the relationship.

They're Unlikely to Chase You: Understanding the Avoidant Mindset

One of the hardest truths to accept about avoidant partners is that they're not likely to chase after you once you've stopped pursuing them. This isn't a reflection of your worth or the strength of your connection, but rather a deep-seated aspect of their attachment style. Avoidants often prioritize emotional self-sufficiency and can feel threatened by the vulnerability that chasing someone requires.

Understanding this mindset is crucial for your own peace of mind. When you stop chasing, you might hope that they'll suddenly realize what they're missing and come running back, but this is rarely the case. Their instinct is to retreat further into their shell, protecting themselves from the discomfort of emotional closeness. It's not about you; it's about their fear of dependence and loss of control.

As relationship expert Stan Tatkin explains, “Avoidants are wired to avoid dependency. Chasing you would mean admitting that they need you, which goes against their core coping mechanism.” So, while it's natural to wish for that romantic moment where they come after you, it's important to temper your expectations and understand that their behavior is rooted in their psychological wiring.

If You Reject Them, They Will Most Likely Move On

If you decide that the relationship isn't serving you and choose to reject an avoidant partner when they attempt to reconnect, it's likely they will move on. This response can be surprising and even painful, especially if you expected them to fight for the relationship. But for an avoidant, rejection can be a signal to retreat even further, and rather than risking further emotional pain, they might simply cut their losses and move forward.

This reaction stems from their deep-rooted fear of rejection and emotional vulnerability. Avoidants often have a low tolerance for rejection because it taps into their underlying insecurities. Instead of working through the rejection, they may choose to distance themselves even more, sometimes to the point of severing ties completely. It's a defense mechanism designed to protect their fragile sense of self.

While this might sound harsh, it's also a reminder of the importance of clarity in your own needs and boundaries. If you've decided that you don't want to continue the relationship, it's crucial to be firm and clear in your decision. This helps prevent any lingering doubts or hopes on their part and allows both of you to move on with greater emotional clarity.

It Takes the Pressure Off You Doing All the Work

One of the most liberating aspects of stepping back from chasing an avoidant partner is the relief that comes from no longer feeling like you're carrying the weight of the relationship on your shoulders. When you're constantly the one initiating contact, making plans, and trying to bridge the emotional gap, it can become exhausting. By choosing to stop chasing, you effectively redistribute the emotional labor that has been so heavily skewed in your direction.

This shift can be incredibly empowering. Suddenly, you're not the only one trying to keep the relationship afloat. You're no longer spending your energy trying to decode their mixed signals or worrying about how to get closer. This break from the relentless pursuit allows you to breathe, to focus on your own needs, and to let the relationship find a more natural balance—if it's meant to.

Letting go of this pressure doesn't just benefit you; it can also benefit the relationship. When the dynamic shifts and you're not the one doing all the work, it gives your partner a chance to step up—if they're willing. It's a way to test the strength and resilience of the connection without constantly pushing it forward yourself.

It Gives You Space to Evaluate and Consider What You Really Want

In the midst of chasing an avoidant partner, it's easy to lose sight of your own needs and desires. The emotional rollercoaster can be so consuming that you forget to check in with yourself. What do you really want from this relationship? Are your needs being met, or are you constantly compromising just to keep the peace?

By stepping back and giving yourself space, you open up the opportunity for self-reflection. This is your time to evaluate the relationship from a distance, free from the emotional turbulence that chasing often brings. You might discover that what you truly need isn't what you've been chasing after at all. Or, you might realize that the relationship has the potential to grow, but only if both parties are willing to meet each other halfway.

Taking this time to consider your own wants and needs can lead to profound insights. It's not just about whether the avoidant partner is right for you; it's about whether this dynamic is something you're willing to continue navigating. Are you looking for something more reciprocal? More stable? This period of self-reflection is crucial for making decisions that are aligned with your true self.

You Can Focus on Yourself: Rediscovering Your Own Happiness

One of the most significant benefits of stepping back from chasing an avoidant partner is the newfound freedom to focus on yourself. When you're caught up in the cycle of pursuing someone who pulls away, it's easy to lose sight of your own happiness. Your thoughts and actions often revolve around how to please them, how to get closer, or how to fix the relationship. But when you stop chasing, you reclaim the time and energy that you were pouring into the pursuit.

This is your chance to rediscover what makes you happy—independently of your relationship. Whether it's spending time with friends, pursuing hobbies, or simply enjoying the peace that comes from not constantly worrying about someone else's emotional state, this is your time to reconnect with yourself. The space you create by letting go of the chase can lead to a deeper sense of fulfillment and joy, one that isn't dependent on the actions or approval of another person.

Focusing on yourself doesn't mean you're giving up on love or relationships; it means you're prioritizing your own well-being. As author and life coach Cheryl Richardson puts it, “When we give ourselves the care and attention we need, we become more attractive and magnetic to others, not because we need them, but because we're whole on our own.” This wholeness is the foundation of any healthy relationship, whether it's with an avoidant partner or someone else.

Do Avoidants Regret Running Away? A Closer Look

This is the question that lingers in the minds of many who have dealt with an avoidant partner: Do they ever regret running away? The answer isn't straightforward, but it's worth exploring. Avoidants are often driven by a deep-seated fear of intimacy and vulnerability. When they run away, it's typically a defense mechanism designed to protect themselves from the emotional discomfort that comes with closeness.

However, regret is a complex emotion for avoidants. While they may not immediately feel regret in the same way that someone with a different attachment style might, there can be moments of reflection where they realize the impact of their actions. This often happens when they've had time to process their emotions and see the relationship from a distance. They might regret not being able to open up more, not allowing themselves to experience the deeper connection that was possible, or missing out on the relationship altogether.

But here's the thing: even if they do feel regret, it's unlikely that they will openly admit it or act on it. Avoidants tend to internalize their emotions, and the same defenses that led them to run away can also prevent them from returning or expressing their regret. It's a bittersweet reality, one that underscores the importance of understanding their mindset and deciding whether this dynamic is something you're willing to navigate.

Recommended Resources

• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
• The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate Relationships by Dr. Diane Poole Heller