5 Hidden Reasons People Hold Grudges (And How to Let Go!)

Key Takeaways:

• Grudges damage relationships and health.
• Unrealistic expectations fuel resentment.
• Forgiving frees you from bitterness.
• Communication is key to healing.
• Letting go brings inner peace.

What is the meaning of a grudge?

We've all experienced it—someone does something that hurts us, and instead of letting it go, we cling to that feeling of betrayal. That's what holding a grudge is: a persistent feeling of resentment over a past offense. It's a heavy emotional load that can sneak its way into all areas of life. But what exactly is a grudge?

Psychologically, a grudge is more than just anger or frustration. It's a complex mixture of unresolved pain, disappointment, and sometimes even shame. When we hold onto these emotions without resolving them, we're actually keeping those wounds open, allowing them to fester. As clinical psychologist Dr. Robert Enright explains, “Grudges are like chains we put on ourselves; they keep us bound to the past.” So, why do we do it?

5 Reasons why people hold grudges in relationships

Relationships are complicated, and when things go wrong, it's easy to fall into the trap of holding a grudge. Whether it's with a partner, a family member, or a close friend, unresolved emotions can build up and create lasting tension. Let's dig into the common reasons why people hold grudges in relationships.

1. Unrealistic expectations: We often expect our partners to act or behave in ways that may not be fair or realistic. When those expectations aren't met, resentment builds. For instance, when someone expects their partner to “just know” what they need emotionally, disappointment is inevitable.
2. Fallouts and assumptions: Misunderstandings are a breeding ground for grudges. A small argument can quickly escalate when assumptions replace honest communication. Suddenly, that minor issue becomes a major emotional weight.
3. The feeling of being left out: Being excluded from decisions or activities can create deep feelings of hurt. If this pattern repeats, it can feel like a deliberate disregard for one's needs, fueling a grudge.
4. Insufficient validation: Feeling unseen or unheard in a relationship is painful. If someone feels that their emotions aren't being recognized or validated, resentment takes root, and the grudge grows.
5. Unresolved issues: Failing to address past conflicts leaves a door open for grudges to flourish. When problems are swept under the rug instead of being dealt with, they pile up, causing long-term emotional strain.

How holding grudges damages your relationship

Grudges are like invisible weights that pull you and your partner apart, sometimes without you even realizing it. When you're harboring resentment, it's not just about holding onto an old argument. You're creating distance, whether it's emotional, physical, or both. You may find yourself avoiding the other person, shutting down, or, worse, using past mistakes as ammunition in future conflicts.

Over time, this distance chips away at the foundation of trust and intimacy. “When you hold a grudge, you are building walls instead of bridges,” relationship expert John Gottman once said. This type of emotional barrier prevents any real connection, leaving both partners frustrated and isolated.

The bitterness that comes from holding grudges doesn't just exist in your mind; it shows up in your actions. Maybe you start snapping at small things, or maybe you just stop being as affectionate. This emotional distance creates a toxic cycle where both people feel neglected, which ultimately leads to more resentment. It's a vicious loop that's hard to escape unless you're willing to confront the root issue.

The psychological impact of grudges on health

We don't always think about how much emotional baggage can weigh on us physically, but holding grudges affects more than just our relationships. It takes a toll on our mental and physical health. Grudges keep us in a state of chronic stress, activating our fight-or-flight response. This constant state of tension raises cortisol levels, which can lead to a number of issues like anxiety, depression, and even insomnia.

Dr. Fred Luskin, a prominent psychologist and author of Forgive for Good, explains, “Chronic anger or bitterness rewires the brain, making it more likely to stay stuck in negative thought patterns.” Holding onto resentment reinforces those harmful neural pathways, making it harder for us to let go and move on. In other words, the longer we cling to a grudge, the more damage we do to our own mental well-being.

Physically, it doesn't get any better. Research shows that people who hold grudges are more likely to experience cardiovascular problems, high blood pressure, and even weakened immune systems. The emotional pain turns into physical symptoms that can affect your quality of life. Simply put, holding a grudge isn't just hurting the other person—it's damaging you.

Why forgiving is hard: 4 reasons

Forgiving someone who has hurt you isn't easy. In fact, it can feel downright impossible at times. But why is it so difficult to let go, even when we know holding onto anger isn't helping us? The answer lies in a mix of emotional and psychological factors. Let's break it down.

1. You don't want to be hurt again: Forgiveness often feels like we're opening the door to more pain. When someone breaks your trust, it's natural to want to protect yourself. That self-preservation instinct makes it hard to let go of the grudge, because you associate forgiveness with vulnerability.
2. You feel they deserve punishment: A common reason for holding a grudge is the belief that the other person hasn't suffered enough. You might feel like your anger is the only way to make them “pay” for what they did, and that letting go would be letting them off the hook too easily.
3. You feel misunderstood: When we're hurt, it's easy to feel like nobody else truly understands the depth of our pain. This feeling of isolation can make forgiveness seem irrelevant because, after all, how can you forgive someone who doesn't even get how much they hurt you?
4. You're mixing up forgiving and forgetting: Many of us confuse forgiving with forgetting. But the truth is, forgiveness doesn't mean pretending the hurt never happened. It's about releasing yourself from the burden of holding onto it—not erasing the memory of the event.

6 Steps to releasing a grudge

If you're ready to let go of the grudge that's been weighing you down, it's not just a decision—it's a process. It takes time, patience, and conscious effort. Here's a practical roadmap for moving forward and freeing yourself from the grip of resentment.

1. Acknowledge the pain: You can't release a grudge if you don't first face the hurt. Take some time to really sit with your feelings and recognize what's been bothering you. Denying or minimizing the pain will only keep it buried inside.
2. Realize that keeping grudges is self-harm: Holding onto resentment only hurts you. Remind yourself that clinging to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to suffer. By keeping the grudge, you're the one suffering the most.
3. Recognize that forgiveness is a gift to yourself: Forgiveness doesn't mean excusing bad behavior, but it does mean freeing yourself from the emotional baggage that's dragging you down. It's a way of giving yourself peace of mind and emotional clarity.
4. Communicate: Sometimes, a conversation is necessary for closure. Talk to the person who hurt you if you feel it's safe and productive. Be open about how their actions affected you, and listen to their side as well.
5. Stop dwelling on the situation: Ruminating over what happened won't change the past. Every time you replay the hurt in your mind, you reinforce the grudge. Make a conscious effort to focus on the present and not the past.
6. Stay positive: Letting go of a grudge is easier when you focus on the positives in your life. Cultivate gratitude, shift your perspective, and celebrate the emotional freedom that comes with forgiveness.

How grudges create long-term bitterness

Bitterness doesn't form overnight. It's like a slow-growing weed that starts with a single seed of unresolved anger, disappointment, or betrayal. Holding a grudge might feel justified in the short term, but over time, it builds up into something far more toxic: long-term bitterness.

The problem with bitterness is that it consumes more of your mental and emotional energy than you realize. It seeps into other areas of your life, coloring your interactions and making you see everything through a lens of negativity. When you hold onto a grudge, you're not just holding onto that one event—you're allowing it to affect your overall outlook on life.

As resentment festers, it becomes harder to experience joy and connection. You may start avoiding relationships altogether, thinking it's better to stay guarded. This emotional wall might protect you from future pain, but it also blocks out any chance of genuine happiness. You're left with a bitterness that isolates you from others and from your own well-being.

Psychologist Dr. Michael McCullough points out, “Grudges do not just affect the relationship that sparked them. They bleed into other relationships and even affect how you view yourself.” This lasting bitterness becomes a self-perpetuating cycle—one that's nearly impossible to break until you confront the grudge directly.

Why forgiveness is a gift to yourself

Many people think forgiveness is something you give to someone else—that it's about letting them off the hook. But in reality, forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It's a way of releasing the emotional chains that are holding you down and preventing you from living fully.

When you forgive, you're not excusing bad behavior or pretending the hurt never happened. You're simply choosing not to let it control your life anymore. By doing so, you free up mental and emotional space for positive things like peace, joy, and personal growth. The act of forgiveness allows you to move forward, unburdened by the past.

Author and motivational speaker Lewis B. Smedes captures this sentiment well: “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” When you release the grudge, you're the one who feels the weight lift. You stop replaying the hurt in your mind, you stop allowing that pain to dictate your actions, and you start living with a sense of freedom that you didn't have before.

Ultimately, forgiveness isn't just about the other person—it's about reclaiming your emotional well-being. It's about giving yourself permission to move forward, to experience peace, and to embrace the fullness of life without the burden of past hurts dragging you down.

How communication helps in letting go

One of the most overlooked tools for releasing a grudge is communication. We tend to think that time alone will heal wounds, but in reality, unresolved issues often need to be addressed head-on. That's where open, honest communication comes in.

Talking about the hurt can be uncomfortable, especially if it's with the person who caused it. However, this kind of dialogue allows you to express your feelings, clear up misunderstandings, and potentially reach a sense of closure. When both sides share their perspectives, it becomes easier to humanize the situation, rather than letting anger fester in silence.

Even if the conversation doesn't lead to an immediate resolution, it can be a crucial first step toward healing. Psychologist Harriet Lerner emphasizes, “Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.” Talking about that anger helps us process it, understand it, and ultimately move past it. Without communication, you're left with assumptions and emotional walls that only grow taller over time.

In relationships, avoiding tough conversations often leads to more distance and resentment. Instead, approach these conversations with openness and empathy. Communication is the bridge that can help both parties let go of past hurts and build something stronger in the future.

The power of staying positive

Positivity doesn't mean ignoring problems or pretending everything is fine. It's about choosing to focus on what's going right in your life rather than dwelling on what went wrong. When you shift your perspective to one of gratitude and optimism, it becomes much easier to release grudges and live with a sense of emotional freedom.

Staying positive requires conscious effort, especially when you've been holding onto resentment. But positivity has a way of reshaping your mindset and rewiring your brain to focus on the good. Studies have shown that people who cultivate a positive outlook are not only happier but also better equipped to handle stress and challenges. This resilience makes it easier to forgive and move on from painful situations.

When you focus on the positive aspects of your life, you're less likely to get stuck in cycles of anger or bitterness. Positivity opens the door to healing because it allows you to see beyond the hurt and recognize the potential for growth, love, and happiness. As renowned author Norman Vincent Peale once said, “Change your thoughts and you change your world.” By shifting to a positive mindset, you're giving yourself the power to let go and live a life free from the weight of grudges.

Conclusion: Letting go for your peace

Letting go of a grudge is one of the most challenging emotional tasks we face, but it's also one of the most rewarding. The peace that comes from releasing resentment isn't just a gift to your relationships—it's a gift to yourself. When you hold onto anger or bitterness, you're carrying an emotional weight that drags you down and affects every part of your life. Letting go, on the other hand, lifts that weight, allowing you to breathe easier and live more fully.

Forgiveness doesn't happen overnight, and it's not always a simple process. It takes time, reflection, and a willingness to face your emotions head-on. But when you make the choice to let go, you're choosing your own peace and happiness over the pain of the past. You're giving yourself the chance to move forward, unburdened by the chains of resentment.

As we've explored throughout this article, the reasons for holding grudges are complex, and letting go is rarely easy. But You have the power to decide how much control past hurts will have over your present and future. When you choose to forgive, you're choosing freedom. You're choosing peace. And ultimately, you're choosing a happier, healthier version of yourself.

Recommended Resources

• Forgive for Good by Dr. Fred Luskin – A practical guide to letting go of grudges and finding emotional freedom through forgiveness.
• The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner – An insightful book that explores how to express anger in healthy ways and build stronger relationships.
• The Book of Forgiving by Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu – A powerful exploration of the path to forgiveness from two spiritual leaders.