Women Who Are Fed Up and the Men Who Love Them

Excerpted from
It's (Mostly) His Fault: For Women Who Are Fed Up and the Men Who Love Them
By Robert Alter, Ph.D

I don't know what you're feeling now that you've read It's (Mostly) His Fault. You could be feeling angry at the book for pointing out the inadequacies of your husband and the unsatisfactoriness of your marriage; or you could be feeling confused as new ideas and old ideas about husbands and wives and marriages grate against each other in your mind; or you could feel affirmed and validated in what you've known for ages about your husband and have been trying to get into his head in every conceivable way short of total brain replacement; or you could feel a huge sense of relief, a happiness inside that you're not alone, that you're finally seeing all this in print-written by a man, no less - so now there's hope that your marriage might improve, that you might someday even have the marriage of your dreams, and now you just have to figure out what the hell to do next.

Here's what to do next:

Try to get your husband to read this book.

You can rush right over to him the moment you finish it, and say, "Pete! I just read this book on husbanding, and it's written by a guy to guys just like you, and I really think it's gonna help us, and I really want you to read it!" Or you can wait for just the right moment, maybe his birthday or your anniversary or Valentine's Day or before, after, or during sex, and ask him in just the right way: "Chuck, I know you don't go in for these books, and I know you're busy, but I want to ask you a favor. I read this book on husbanding recently, and I really think it has some good ideas in it that would help our marriage a lot. And it's short and easy and kind of fun, actually, to read. And it's written directly to men by a man. Would you be willing to read it-for me? For us?"

One of four things is then going to happen:

1. He reads It's (Mostly) His Fault and understands it and likes it and starts to use it, starts to make the Moves, and he begins to change, either rapidly or slowly, and eventually transforms into a good husband. Yay!

2. He doesn't want to read it (some men are just not readers of books like this), but agrees to listen to you read it to him, probably in installments, and he understands it and likes it and starts to use it, and changes, and transforms. Yo!

3. He agrees to read it but doesn't understand it, doesn't like it, really doesn't like it, slams it shut one night, and gives it back to you with a "This is bullshit!" and turns over and goes to sleep.

4. He totally refuses to read it or let you read it to him and gets up abruptly from the couch and stomps by you on his way out of the living room to get new batteries for the remote.

The first two lead to major change in him, the marriage, and you. The latter two also lead to major change, but of a different kind, which I'll talk about later in this section.

If Your Husband Changes

If your husband reads this book or lets you read it to him, and the ideas get into his head, embed themselves in his consciousness, and become part of him, he'll change. He'll change either fast or slow-the fire of transformation bums at different rates for different husbands. Some men get it very fast-they're like dry tinder that bursts into flame the moment the match is applied. One woman whose husband got it very fast exclaimed, "It's amazing! What happened? Where did it come from? Was it in him all the time? What the hell was it doing in there for twenty-three years?!" And some men are more like wet logs, which when lit by the match catch fire and then smolder over a long period of time. More men burn slow than fast-which is harder on you, of course, because that means you have longer to wait for a good husband-but as long as he's burning... moving ... changing ... growing ... getting it... really getting it... you're okay.

Really getting it, by the way, means he becomes it.

A good husband.

Transformation!

Worth the wait.

Here are nine important things for you to keep in mind along the way of your husband's transformation:

1. Do Your Part

By agreeing to read this book and be open to its ideas, your husband has stepped onto a path that starts with him owning his faults in the marriage and ends with him becoming a good husband to you. While he's walking this path, do everything I talked about in my opening words to you in "Her Introduction":

Know that you're right in wanting what you want from him.

Hold him to your highest standard of behavior toward you.

Trust your dissatisfaction and anger with him and when necessary get angry at him.

Stay on his case.

Remember you're in a fight. Fight hard, and fight long, and don't worry about losing some battles, but win the fight.

In everything you do or say, be strategic.

Get the help and support you need from wherever you can find it.

Know that you're the teacher of your husband and teach him well.

Do your own inner work and address your own issues around relationship and intimacy.

Be both impatient and patient with your husband as he takes his journey of change.

Know that you are the goal of his journey, that all his efforts culminate in your being pleased with him.

Keep a steady stream of appreciations flowing to him in the form of grateful words and whatever other ways you know he likes to be thanked. As your husband does his work and walks the path of his transformation, never underestimate the power of your acknowledgment, appreciation, and admiration of what he's doing.

2. Acknowledge Yourself

While you're giving him all that acknowledgment for what he's doing, make sure to acknowledge, appreciate, and admire yourself for what you're doing. What you're doing is no picnic. You are a woman trying to change a man in a deeply entrenched global culture of male autonomy and superiority and dominance that decrees that a man should not be subject to change by a woman. You are trying to assert a right-the right to have a husband who always treats you with utmost respect-that has never been asserted so strongly and on such a large scale on this earth before.

It's hard.

"Disciplining masculinity that takes its superiority for granted," says psychoanalyst Marion Woodman, "demands as much strength and vigilance as training a wild horse that's never known a harness."

Yes. Strength. Vigilance. Courage. Conviction. Stamina.