Why Arranged Marriages Still Work (And Why They Don't)

Key Takeaways:

• Arranged marriages are deeply cultural.
• Commonly misunderstood in modern society.
• Many find family support beneficial.
• Often face fewer conflicts early on.
• They continue to evolve globally.

What is an arranged marriage?

Arranged marriages aren't just about two people coming together—it's often about two families aligning their values, traditions, and expectations. In many cultures, marriage isn't solely a personal choice; it's a communal decision with significant weight. When we talk about arranged marriages, we're referring to a system where families or community members take an active role in choosing a partner for the individuals involved. This can range from mild family involvement to a near-complete decision by elders. But what does this really mean for the people at the heart of it?

Contrary to some misconceptions, arranged marriages don't imply forced or loveless unions. While there is pressure from external parties, the individuals are often given a chance to say yes or no—though this depends greatly on the country and family. The emotional complexity here is undeniable: balancing personal desires with family expectations is no small task.

Historical context and cultural significance

Arranged marriages are as old as civilization itself. Historically, marriage wasn't about love; it was about survival, power, and maintaining alliances. Royals married for political gain, while commoners did so to ensure economic stability. As Stephanie Coontz points out in her book, “Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage,” romantic love in marriage is a relatively modern concept, arising only in the last few centuries.

Cultures that practice arranged marriages see them as a way to maintain cultural values, strengthen familial bonds, and protect societal norms. Many families believe that a marriage arranged with the right partner, based on compatibility in values and family background, will create a stronger foundation than one built solely on personal attraction. In India, for example, over 90% of marriages are arranged, and these unions often have long-lasting support systems.

But with the evolution of societies and individualism, many young people find themselves in a tug-of-war between their heritage and their modern desires for love and freedom of choice. Arranged marriages have adapted in some regions, becoming more flexible in how they operate, but the cultural roots still run deep.

Why are arranged marriages seen in a negative light?

Arranged marriages often receive criticism because of the perceived lack of choice. In many parts of the world, especially in Western societies, the idea of marrying someone you didn't personally choose can feel restrictive or even outdated. It's important to recognize that the narrative around marriage in these cultures revolves around individual freedom, self-expression, and romantic love. When these values aren't at the forefront, it's easy to see why arranged marriages face skepticism.

The most common fear is the assumption that individuals in arranged marriages are pressured or coerced. For some, this fear is not unfounded, as certain cultures place immense pressure on young people to conform to familial expectations, even if it means sacrificing personal happiness. And while not all arranged marriages involve coercion, the stories of those who felt trapped in these unions color public perception.

Another reason for the negative perception comes from the stereotype that arranged marriages are cold, transactional, and lack the emotional depth of romantic marriages. People often assume there's a lack of compatibility or that love will never develop because the couple wasn't in love to begin with. However, this is a narrow view of relationships and doesn't consider the possibility that love can grow over time.

Furthermore, arranged marriages are often seen as incompatible with modern feminist ideals. The idea that women, in particular, are passive participants in their own marriages doesn't align with contemporary ideas of gender equality and independence.

Esther Perel, a renowned relationship therapist, once said, “In the West, we marry the one we love; in the East, we love the one we marry.” While this highlights a cultural difference, it also underscores the profound emotional journey that many couples in arranged marriages undertake, something that critics often overlook.

Challenges of arranged marriages

Arranged marriages, like any partnership, face their own unique challenges. One of the most significant is the pressure to make the marriage work, not just for the couple's sake, but for the family's reputation. The stakes are high when the entire extended family is invested in the success of the marriage. This can lead to immense emotional pressure for both individuals involved.

Another challenge is the possibility of mismatched values or personalities. While families might focus on social standing, education, or financial stability, these aspects don't always guarantee a personal connection or emotional compatibility between the couple. When people marry based on external factors rather than personal choice, it's easy to see how emotional struggles might arise.

In addition, there can be difficulties in building intimacy and trust. Many arranged marriages begin without a deep emotional bond. Developing this connection, while navigating the expectations of families, can feel daunting, especially for those who were strangers prior to their marriage.

Lastly, the challenge of adapting to modern lifestyles can't be ignored. In today's globalized world, many young people live independently from their families, making traditional arranged marriages harder to reconcile with a life of personal independence and freedom.

Advantages of arranged marriage

Arranged marriages have distinct advantages, especially when viewed through a cultural lens. One of the biggest benefits is the sense of stability that often comes with these unions. Families who arrange marriages tend to match individuals based on a variety of factors that go beyond physical attraction. They look at long-term compatibility, such as financial backgrounds, religious beliefs, and shared values. These foundations, often stronger than fleeting emotions, can help a couple weather the ups and downs of married life.

Additionally, arranged marriages can sometimes ease the anxiety and stress that comes with dating and finding a partner on your own. Many people who enter arranged marriages appreciate the structured approach, trusting that their families have carefully considered the match. In cultures where arranged marriages are common, individuals often feel more secure knowing that they aren't navigating these decisions entirely alone.

In terms of building a relationship, arranged marriages can foster a different kind of love. Instead of the rush of infatuation often found in love marriages, arranged marriages emphasize building a partnership from the ground up. Couples learn to develop trust, respect, and affection over time. As Mira Jacob, an author and essayist, once noted, “Love doesn't always come like a storm. Sometimes, it arrives quietly and builds itself slowly, brick by brick.” This gradual, steady process is at the heart of many arranged marriages.

Support from the family

One of the most cited advantages of arranged marriages is the unwavering support from both families. In many cultures, marriage isn't just about two people coming together; it's about the blending of two families. This communal aspect of arranged marriages means that the couple isn't facing the trials of life alone. They have a strong support system from the outset, which can make adjusting to married life smoother.

Family support is particularly helpful during challenging times. When conflicts arise in a marriage—and they always do—the extended family often steps in to offer guidance, mediate disputes, or provide practical help. This network of care can take some of the emotional burden off the couple, knowing they have a whole community invested in their success. In love marriages, where couples sometimes have to navigate these challenges more independently, this familial involvement might be seen as intrusive. However, in arranged marriages, this kind of involvement is often welcomed and expected.

Moreover, families involved in arranging a marriage take pride in ensuring the well-being of the couple. It's not uncommon for both sides to invest in the marriage financially, emotionally, and socially. This shared investment can make the couple feel more supported, fostering a sense of security that might not be as strong in marriages where families play a lesser role.

Easier adjustments

One of the surprising advantages of arranged marriages is that the adjustment period tends to be smoother for many couples. When you marry someone chosen with your family's approval, the expectations are often clearer from the start. There is less guesswork about core values, long-term goals, and cultural practices because those have already been considered during the matchmaking process. Families play an active role in aligning these factors, reducing the friction that can arise from fundamental differences.

Moreover, couples in arranged marriages may feel more prepared to face the early challenges of marriage. The initial awkwardness and uncertainty in a new relationship can be offset by a shared sense of duty and responsibility to their families. This adds a layer of accountability that can motivate both partners to work through differences rather than letting them fester. The external support system also provides encouragement, reminding the couple that they are not navigating their marriage in isolation.

Additionally, arranged marriages often emphasize gradual emotional connection. This steady progression gives both partners time to adjust to each other's personalities and quirks, without the pressure to meet unrealistic expectations right away. Over time, they build a foundation based on mutual respect and understanding, rather than feeling rushed to find instant chemistry.

Lesser conflicts

In arranged marriages, families take great care in selecting partners who are compatible not just on a personal level but on a practical one too. The result is often fewer conflicts, particularly in the early stages of marriage. Common sources of friction in relationships, such as financial disagreements or differences in religious or cultural practices, are less likely to arise because these issues have been considered in advance.

Conflict in relationships often stems from unmet expectations or mismatched life goals. Since arranged marriages are rooted in shared goals from the beginning, both partners typically enter the marriage with a clear understanding of each other's expectations. This proactive approach reduces the likelihood of misunderstandings that can lead to arguments or resentment later on.

Another key reason for lesser conflicts is the strong family involvement. In many arranged marriages, families not only help resolve disputes but also ensure that both individuals have similar life priorities. The stability that comes from knowing your partner shares your long-term vision can eliminate many of the smaller, daily tensions that might otherwise disrupt the relationship.

It's important to acknowledge, however, that no marriage is entirely free of conflict. But in arranged marriages, there is often a greater sense of collective responsibility to maintain harmony, making it easier to navigate and resolve conflicts when they do arise.

Do arranged marriages work?

One of the most common questions people ask about arranged marriages is whether they actually work. The answer, as with most things in life, is not straightforward. Success depends on many factors, including the individuals involved, their expectations, and the level of support they receive from their families. But statistically, arranged marriages tend to have lower divorce rates than love marriages. This isn't necessarily because they are always happier unions, but because there's often more at stake in terms of familial and social obligations, making divorce less of an option.

But it's not all about numbers. Many couples in arranged marriages report being satisfied with their lives, citing a strong sense of companionship and security. In fact, the slow-building nature of these relationships can lead to deeper emotional connections over time. According to a study published in the journal International Journal of Psychology and Behavioral Sciences, arranged marriages often foster emotional closeness as partners learn to appreciate each other through mutual respect and shared goals. As one couple put it, “We grew into love, rather than expecting it to be there from day one.”

That said, arranged marriages, like all marriages, are not without their struggles. Some individuals find it difficult to connect emotionally, especially if they felt pressured into the arrangement. In these cases, the lack of personal choice can become a lingering issue. However, with the right support systems and a shared commitment to making the marriage work, many couples in arranged marriages do find happiness and fulfillment.

Comparing arranged marriages and love marriages

The debate between arranged marriages and love marriages is ongoing, with both sides having strong advocates. Love marriages are celebrated for their spontaneity and emotional connection, where couples marry out of personal affection and attraction. On the other hand, arranged marriages are rooted in practicality and long-term compatibility, which can often serve as a more solid foundation for the relationship.

In a love marriage, the initial attraction and emotional bond can sometimes fade over time, leading to disillusionment if other aspects of compatibility are not in place. Arranged marriages, by contrast, often start with compatibility in areas such as family values, life goals, and financial stability, allowing the emotional bond to grow later.

While love marriages place more emphasis on individual choice, arranged marriages highlight the importance of family and community. This difference can influence how conflicts are resolved and how partners interact with each other. In a love marriage, couples may feel more inclined to act independently, while in an arranged marriage, the involvement of families can provide additional layers of support, but can also introduce challenges in terms of autonomy.

Ultimately, both types of marriages have their merits and challenges. The key to success in any marriage, arranged or love-based, lies in open communication, mutual respect, and a willingness to adapt and grow together. As psychologist John Gottman famously said, “It's not about how much you love each other; it's about how you handle conflict.” This principle applies to all relationships, no matter how they begin.

Arranged marriages in modern times

Arranged marriages have evolved significantly in modern times, adapting to the shifts in societal norms, especially in more globalized and urbanized communities. While the core concept remains—families playing a central role in finding a suitable match—there's now more flexibility and autonomy given to the individuals involved. In many cases, modern arranged marriages incorporate elements of both traditional and romantic marriage practices. For example, families may introduce potential partners but allow the couple to spend time getting to know each other before making a decision.

In some regions, the process has become more of a partnership between parents and their children, blending respect for cultural values with modern ideals of personal choice. This shift reflects the growing influence of individualism, where people want a say in their future but still value the input and wisdom of their families. Arranged marriages are no longer about completely handing over control to the elders but about creating a balanced approach where both tradition and personal desire can coexist.

Technology has also changed the landscape. Online matrimonial platforms allow individuals to meet potential partners within the framework of arranged marriages, but with much more freedom to communicate and interact before making a decision. This is a significant shift from older generations where choices were often limited to local or family networks. Now, people can meet others from different cities or even countries, expanding their options while maintaining cultural ties.

Despite these changes, the heart of arranged marriages remains rooted in family, tradition, and cultural expectations. However, the emphasis on personal happiness and compatibility has grown, making the process more collaborative and, in many cases, more successful in meeting the needs of modern individuals. The balance between modernity and tradition is delicate, but for many, it offers the best of both worlds.

Recommended Resources

• Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage by Stephanie Coontz
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
• Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel