Top 3 (Unexpected) Marriage Challenges

Key Takeaways:

• Infidelity breaks trust deeply.
• Miscommunication causes ongoing friction.
• Unmet expectations lead to resentment.
• Financial stress strains emotional bonds.
• Rebuilding trust is essential but hard.

Why Do Marriages Face Problems?

Marriage, as wonderful as it can be, isn't immune to challenges. Even the strongest partnerships encounter rough patches—times when things just don't seem to click. So, why do these problems arise? It often feels like we're blindsided by issues we never anticipated. From infidelity to financial strain, marital difficulties strike at the core of what makes us feel safe, loved, and connected.

Psychologically, we may enter marriage with certain expectations and hopes, and when reality clashes with those dreams, the gap between the two can cause tension. Dr. John Gottman, a leading marriage expert, has stated, “In marriage, when one partner feels heard, respected, and validated, they will turn toward their partner emotionally. When they don't, they turn away.” That simple shift can snowball into larger issues if left unresolved.

In the real world, marriages face a barrage of external pressures like work, parenting, and financial obligations. Add to this mix differences in communication styles or deeply rooted personal values, and it becomes clear that every marriage will face problems. However, understanding what these problems are and how to tackle them together is key to navigating marital difficulties.

Infidelity and the Devastation It Causes

Infidelity is one of the most painful marriage problems, and its effects run deep. When one partner steps outside the marriage, it can shatter trust in ways that are difficult—if not impossible—to repair. The person who has been cheated on often feels a range of emotions, from betrayal and anger to sadness and loss of self-worth. The entire foundation of the relationship feels like it's crumbling.

Psychologically, infidelity challenges our very sense of safety and security. Esther Perel, a renowned therapist and author, explains, “Affairs are an act of betrayal, but they are also an expression of longing and loss.” Many couples, after experiencing infidelity, struggle with whether or not they can rebuild their relationship. The devastation leaves emotional scars that require immense effort and open communication to heal.

Healing from infidelity isn't just about forgiveness. It involves deep introspection on both sides, setting new boundaries, and creating an environment of emotional transparency. If couples are willing to go through this painful process, it's possible to restore trust—but it takes time and intentionality. Rebuilding a relationship after infidelity demands hard work, but many couples who do find they emerge stronger for it.

Sexual Differences and Intimacy Struggles

Sexual differences can be one of the most sensitive and difficult challenges couples face. Whether it's mismatched libidos, differing needs for physical affection, or even emotional intimacy, these struggles can create distance that feels almost impossible to bridge. Intimacy isn't just about sex—though that's certainly part of it. It's also about feeling emotionally connected and safe in your partner's presence.

When couples experience a disconnect in their physical relationship, it can lead to feelings of rejection, frustration, or even resentment. Often, one partner may feel like their needs aren't being met, while the other might feel pressured or overwhelmed. This imbalance can gradually erode the emotional foundation of the marriage.

Sexual intimacy, like other aspects of marriage, requires communication. When we struggle to talk about what we need or feel, we start to retreat into ourselves, creating a chasm between us and our partner. As therapist Dr. Laura Berman writes in her book “Loving Sex,” “A fulfilling sexual relationship requires openness and vulnerability.” Without those elements, couples may find themselves drifting apart not only physically, but emotionally as well.

The key to overcoming these differences is honesty and a willingness to understand each other's needs. Finding a compromise may not be easy, but it's essential to maintaining a deep emotional and physical connection. Couples who tackle these differences together often discover that working through them strengthens their bond in the long run.

Clashing Values and Beliefs

When two people come together in marriage, they bring with them their own unique set of values, beliefs, and worldviews. While some differences can be enriching, others can become sources of conflict, especially when those values are deeply held or central to who we are. Clashing values—whether they relate to religion, politics, parenting styles, or lifestyle choices—can create ongoing tension in a marriage if not addressed.

It's important to remember that our values are often shaped by our upbringing, culture, and life experiences, which means that your partner may have perspectives that are completely different from your own. This doesn't mean your marriage is doomed, but it does require both partners to be open to understanding each other's viewpoints.

In her research on marital conflict, Dr. Sue Johnson, a leading psychologist, emphasizes the need for empathy. She says, “When couples clash over values, it's often less about the specific issue and more about feeling like your partner doesn't understand or respect where you're coming from.” The challenge here is to find common ground, or at the very least, to respect the differences without letting them create distance.

Couples who learn how to navigate these differences in a respectful and loving way often find that their relationship grows stronger, because it's built on a foundation of mutual respect and understanding. But it takes effort from both sides. Discussing these clashes openly and without judgment can lead to breakthroughs that bring you closer together.

Navigating Life Stages Together

Marriage is not a static journey. Life evolves, and so do we. Whether it's getting married, having children, advancing in careers, or facing retirement, each life stage brings new challenges and pressures. These transitions can strain a relationship, especially when one partner feels left behind or like they're not on the same page.

What often complicates things is that we rarely experience these stages in exactly the same way. For example, one partner may be excited about starting a family while the other feels anxious or unprepared. Or perhaps one is thriving in their career while the other struggles to find balance. These life transitions can create a disconnect if we don't communicate openly about our needs and fears.

Renowned marriage expert Dr. Gary Chapman, author of “The Five Love Languages,” suggests that the key to navigating life stages is adaptability and understanding. He writes, “Change is inevitable, but how we approach it, and whether we choose to grow together or apart, is up to us.” This means making the conscious decision to support each other, even when the path ahead feels uncertain or challenging.

Life stages can either pull you closer together or create a wedge between you. The couples who thrive are those who talk openly, make adjustments, and face each stage as a united front. When you embrace life's changes together, they can become opportunities for growth, rather than obstacles.

Handling Traumatic Events in a Marriage

Trauma has a way of shaking the very foundation of a marriage. Whether it's the loss of a loved one, a serious illness, financial devastation, or a sudden life-altering event, trauma forces us to confront our deepest fears and vulnerabilities. During these times, the relationship can either be a source of comfort and strength, or it can crack under the pressure.

In the face of trauma, couples often react in different ways. One partner might become withdrawn, while the other seeks comfort and connection. This disconnect can create feelings of isolation and loneliness, even though both are hurting. As psychotherapist Judith Herman explains in her book “Trauma and Recovery,” “Trauma shatters the sense of connection between individuals, leaving people feeling estranged from those they once depended on.”

But trauma doesn't have to destroy a marriage. It can also be a catalyst for deeper connection and understanding, provided both partners are willing to be there for each other, even in their darkest moments. It's critical to create a safe space where both partners can express their feelings, without judgment or blame.

Support from outside sources, such as therapy or counseling, can be invaluable during these times. Often, having an objective third party can help couples navigate through the complex emotions that trauma brings. Healing takes time, but with patience and care, it's possible to emerge stronger together on the other side of trauma.

Stress and Its Impact on Relationships

Stress is inevitable in life, but when it seeps into a marriage, it can cause deep emotional strain. Whether it's work-related stress, financial pressure, or simply the demands of daily life, stress can create tension between partners. Over time, even minor stresses can build up, leading to bigger issues like resentment, frustration, and emotional distance.

One of the biggest problems with stress in a marriage is that it often goes unspoken. We tend to bottle up our feelings, either to avoid conflict or because we don't want to burden our partner. But unspoken stress can manifest in subtle ways—short tempers, lack of patience, or emotional withdrawal—all of which can damage the relationship if not addressed.

As Dr. Richard Lazarus, a prominent psychologist who studied stress and coping, said, “Stress itself is not the issue. It's how we cope with it that determines its impact on our lives.” In marriage, this means finding healthy ways to manage stress both individually and together. Whether it's making time to talk openly about what's bothering you, practicing relaxation techniques, or setting boundaries, finding a way to address stress as a team is essential.

Stress may not always be avoidable, but how you and your partner handle it together can make or break the relationship. By fostering a supportive and understanding environment, couples can weather stressful periods without letting them erode the connection they share.

When Boredom Sets In

Boredom in a marriage often sneaks up on you. The excitement and passion of the early years can gradually give way to routine, and before you know it, the relationship can start to feel stagnant. This isn't necessarily a sign that the marriage is in trouble, but boredom can lead to deeper issues if it's not addressed.

One of the reasons boredom sets in is that life's daily demands—work, children, household chores—begin to take precedence over the relationship. When couples stop prioritizing time together, the spark can fade, and it becomes easy to slip into autopilot, just going through the motions without truly connecting. Over time, this can create emotional distance and even resentment.

To combat boredom, it's essential to inject novelty and excitement back into the relationship. According to Dr. Arthur Aron, a psychologist known for his research on relationships, “Engaging in novel and exciting activities together can reignite passion and deepen the emotional bond between partners.” This doesn't mean you have to plan grand gestures, but small changes—like trying a new hobby together, planning spontaneous dates, or simply finding time to laugh and play—can make a big difference.

Every marriage will go through periods of boredom, but the key is recognizing it before it causes deeper problems. By making a conscious effort to keep the relationship dynamic and engaging, couples can keep the spark alive and avoid falling into the trap of complacency.

Dealing with Jealousy in Marriage

Jealousy is one of the most emotionally charged issues a marriage can face. Whether it's sparked by past experiences, insecurities, or external relationships, jealousy can quickly become toxic if not dealt with openly and honestly. It's an emotion that stems from fear—fear of losing your partner, fear of not being good enough, or fear of betrayal.

When jealousy enters a relationship, it can manifest in controlling behaviors, constant questioning, or even unwarranted accusations. If left unchecked, it not only erodes trust but also chips away at the emotional safety that's so crucial in a healthy marriage. As author Brené Brown writes, “Jealousy is an emotion that has the potential to tear at the fabric of trust and connection.”

Dealing with jealousy requires vulnerability from both partners. The person feeling jealous must be willing to express their insecurities without blaming their spouse, while the other partner needs to listen with empathy and reassure them without becoming defensive. It's a delicate balance, but couples who address jealousy head-on tend to come out stronger, with a deeper understanding of each other's emotional needs.

Ultimately, jealousy is about trust. Rebuilding trust—or strengthening it—comes from being transparent, setting healthy boundaries, and making sure both partners feel valued and secure in the relationship.

Trying to Change Each Other: A Common Trap

It's natural to want your partner to grow, but trying to mold them into someone they're not is a dangerous trap that many couples fall into. Whether it's pushing them to be more outgoing, more ambitious, or more like the “ideal” version you have in your mind, this behavior can lead to frustration and resentment on both sides.

In marriage, we often think we know what's best for our partner. However, when we try to change them, we're sending the message that who they are isn't enough. This creates a dynamic of power and control, where one partner feels pressured to meet unrealistic expectations while the other becomes increasingly critical and dissatisfied.

Dr. Harriet Lerner, a well-known psychologist and author, warns against this tendency: “The desire to change another person stems from our own discomfort, and ultimately, it's more about our need for control than about what's best for our partner.” Instead of trying to change your spouse, it's crucial to accept them as they are while encouraging growth in a way that feels supportive, not controlling.

Healthy relationships are built on acceptance and mutual respect. While it's okay to express your desires and needs, it's important to remember that lasting change only happens when both partners feel loved and supported for who they truly are. Trying to force change rarely works and often leads to emotional distance and frustration.

Communication Problems (And How to Fix Them)

Communication is often cited as the foundation of a strong marriage, yet it's also one of the most common sources of conflict. When couples fail to communicate effectively, misunderstandings pile up, and frustration can quickly turn into resentment. Whether it's arguing without resolution, shutting down emotionally, or simply not listening, communication problems have a way of eroding the bond between partners.

The biggest challenge with communication is that we often assume our partner understands what we're thinking or feeling. But without clear, open dialogue, assumptions can easily be wrong. Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert on marital stability, has said, “The key to a lasting relationship lies in understanding and validating your partner's feelings, not necessarily agreeing with them.” This is where many couples go wrong—they focus on winning the argument rather than understanding each other.

Fixing communication issues starts with active listening. That means really hearing what your partner is saying, not just waiting for your turn to speak. It also requires vulnerability and honesty. If something is bothering you, don't let it fester—bring it up in a way that invites discussion, not confrontation.

Healthy communication is a skill that can be learned. By making the effort to speak openly, listen empathetically, and validate each other's feelings, couples can overcome even the toughest communication barriers and strengthen their relationship.

Lack of Attention: Feeling Ignored

One of the most painful experiences in a marriage is feeling ignored or overlooked by your partner. When one person consistently feels like they're not getting the attention they need, it can lead to feelings of isolation, sadness, and even resentment. Attention in a marriage isn't just about spending time together—it's about being present and showing genuine interest in each other's lives.

Over time, the demands of work, family, and daily routines can make it easy to fall into a pattern of neglect. Partners can begin to take each other for granted, assuming that everything is fine when, in reality, one person may be quietly suffering from emotional neglect. As relationship coach Matthew Hussey points out, “It's not the grand gestures that keep love alive, it's the little moments of attention that show you still care.”

Addressing this issue requires mindfulness and intentional effort. Take time each day to check in with your partner—ask about their day, share your thoughts, and engage in meaningful conversations. Simple acts of affection, like a kind word or a small gesture, can go a long way in making your partner feel valued and loved.

When both partners make a conscious effort to prioritize each other, even in the midst of life's demands, the relationship flourishes. Feeling seen, heard, and appreciated is essential for emotional connection, and it's something that needs to be nurtured daily.

How Financial Strain Damages Marriages

Money problems are one of the leading causes of marital conflict, and the strain that financial difficulties place on a relationship can be immense. Whether it's struggling with debt, unemployment, or simply differing approaches to spending and saving, financial stress can create tension that spills over into every aspect of the marriage. The constant worry about bills, budgeting, and future security can become overwhelming, making it difficult to focus on anything else.

Financial strain doesn't just affect the couple's bank account—it affects their emotional connection. Arguments over money can erode trust and communication, especially if one partner feels blamed or inadequate. When money troubles linger unresolved, they often lead to feelings of resentment, frustration, and even shame. According to Dr. Brad Klontz, a financial psychologist, “Money conflicts are often not about money itself, but about what money represents—power, security, or love.”

To navigate financial difficulties without letting them destroy the relationship, couples need to approach money with transparency and teamwork. Creating a budget together, setting financial goals, and being honest about spending habits are critical steps. Additionally, having open conversations about money and what it means to each partner can help clear up underlying emotional issues that might be contributing to the stress.

When couples work together to manage financial strain, it strengthens their partnership and builds resilience. But when money problems go unaddressed, they can quietly corrode the relationship from within.

The Importance of Appreciation in Marriage

In the busyness of life, it's easy to forget to express appreciation for our partners. We can fall into a routine where we assume our spouse knows how much we love and value them, but without regularly showing it, that assumption can lead to feelings of neglect and invisibility. Appreciation is more than just saying “thank you”—it's about recognizing the unique ways your partner contributes to your life and making sure they feel seen and valued for who they are.

Dr. Gary Chapman, author of “The Five Love Languages,” explains that one of the most common ways couples drift apart is through a lack of appreciation. He writes, “Love is not an emotion we feel, but a choice we make daily to invest in each other.” When couples stop making that choice, the relationship starts to feel transactional, rather than a loving partnership.

Appreciation can be shown in small, everyday ways—acknowledging the little things your partner does, leaving a note of gratitude, or simply expressing your love in words or actions. These gestures may seem insignificant, but they have a profound effect on the emotional connection between spouses. Feeling appreciated reinforces the bond and keeps the relationship healthy and thriving.

When both partners make an effort to show appreciation regularly, it creates a positive feedback loop of affection and gratitude that deepens the marriage. Without appreciation, the relationship can feel unbalanced, with one or both partners feeling taken for granted.

Technology and Social Media: Are They Hurting Your Marriage?

Technology has woven itself into almost every aspect of our lives, including our relationships. While it can be a great tool for staying connected, it can also create distance in a marriage. Social media, in particular, often introduces new challenges—jealousy, privacy concerns, and even the temptation to compare your relationship to others. When one partner spends more time scrolling through their phone than engaging with their spouse, it can send the message that their online life is more important than their marriage.

The constant presence of screens—whether it's for work, socializing, or entertainment—can interrupt quality time and create emotional disconnection. Research shows that couples who frequently use social media tend to experience more relationship conflicts, especially around jealousy and trust. Psychologist Sherry Turkle, in her book “Alone Together,” warns that technology gives us “the illusion of companionship without the demands of friendship,” allowing us to disengage emotionally from the people right in front of us.

To protect your marriage from the negative impact of technology, it's important to set boundaries around screen time. Whether it's putting phones away during meals, limiting social media use, or scheduling unplugged date nights, these small changes can help you stay present and connected. Using technology mindfully, rather than letting it dominate your time, ensures that your relationship remains a priority.

Trust Issues: Can It Be Rebuilt?

Trust is the cornerstone of any marriage, but once it's broken, rebuilding it can feel like an impossible task. Whether trust was lost due to infidelity, dishonesty, or other betrayals, the pain it causes runs deep. Without trust, every interaction becomes strained, and it's easy for doubts and insecurities to consume the relationship.

Rebuilding trust takes time, patience, and a commitment from both partners. It's not something that can be rushed. The partner who broke the trust must be willing to take accountability for their actions and show consistent, trustworthy behavior moving forward. As marriage counselor Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring explains in her book “After the Affair,” “Forgiveness isn't about excusing bad behavior—it's about creating a path forward for healing and trust to be rebuilt.”

The partner who was hurt needs space to process their emotions, but they also need to be open to healing. While it's natural to feel cautious, holding on to bitterness or resentment will prevent the relationship from moving forward. Both partners must engage in honest conversations about what led to the breakdown in trust and what changes need to be made to prevent future betrayals.

Trust can be rebuilt, but it requires transparency, communication, and a willingness to be vulnerable again. For couples who put in the work, the process of rebuilding trust can actually lead to a deeper, more resilient connection.

Miscommunication: The Root of Many Marital Problems

Miscommunication is often the hidden culprit behind many marital conflicts. We may think we're communicating clearly, but our words and intentions don't always come across the way we expect. Whether it's a misunderstanding during an argument or failing to express emotional needs, miscommunication can lead to frustration, hurt feelings, and a growing emotional gap between partners.

The problem is, we tend to assume our partner understands what we mean without needing further explanation. But every person brings their own perspective, experiences, and emotional filters into conversations, which can distort the message being sent. Psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg, creator of Nonviolent Communication, emphasizes, “The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't being said.” Often, the words we use are just the surface of deeper emotions that remain unspoken.

To combat miscommunication, couples need to practice active listening and make an effort to clarify their thoughts and feelings before assuming they're understood. This involves checking in with each other regularly, avoiding assumptions, and being open to feedback without defensiveness. By improving communication skills, couples can resolve issues more effectively and avoid letting small misunderstandings snowball into larger problems.

Unrealistic Expectations: A Silent Marriage Killer

Unrealistic expectations are one of the most insidious threats to a marriage because they often go unnoticed until they've done significant damage. Many of us enter marriage with certain assumptions about what our partner should be like or how our relationship should work. These expectations are shaped by our upbringing, society, and even romanticized portrayals of love in the media. When reality doesn't match those expectations, disappointment sets in, leading to frustration, resentment, and disconnection.

It's important to recognize that no marriage is perfect, and no partner can meet every need or expectation. Marriage is a partnership between two flawed individuals, and expecting perfection or unwavering happiness will only set you up for disappointment. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman emphasizes that successful marriages are built on “realistic expectations and the ability to navigate the disappointments that naturally arise when those expectations aren't met.”

The key to overcoming unrealistic expectations is to adjust your mindset and focus on the strengths of your relationship, rather than dwelling on what it's not. It's also essential to communicate openly about your needs and desires, while remaining flexible and understanding of your partner's limitations. By embracing the imperfections in both your partner and your marriage, you create space for a more genuine, fulfilling connection.

Arguments That Escalate Quickly

Every couple argues—it's a natural part of any relationship. However, when arguments escalate quickly and spiral out of control, they can leave lasting damage. What starts as a minor disagreement can explode into a full-blown fight, with hurtful words being exchanged and emotional wounds that take time to heal. The problem often lies in how we react in the heat of the moment. Instead of resolving the issue, we get caught up in winning the argument, leading to defensiveness, blame, and sometimes even personal attacks.

One reason arguments escalate is because of emotional triggers—those sensitive topics or feelings that cause us to react strongly. Without realizing it, we can push each other's buttons, turning a simple conversation into a battle. In his research on conflict, Dr. John Gottman found that how couples handle conflict is a key predictor of whether their marriage will last. He emphasizes that “the way a conflict begins often predicts how it will end,” meaning if an argument starts with criticism or contempt, it's likely to escalate.

To prevent arguments from getting out of hand, it's important to recognize your emotional triggers and take a step back when tensions rise. Taking a break, calming down, and returning to the conversation with a clearer mindset can help keep the discussion productive rather than destructive. The goal should always be resolution, not winning.

Dishonesty: Breaking the Foundation of Trust

Trust is the foundation of any healthy marriage, and dishonesty—whether it's about big things like infidelity or small things like money—can chip away at that foundation until it crumbles entirely. Once trust is broken, it's difficult to regain, and dishonesty creates a toxic environment where suspicion and doubt take the place of openness and security.

Dishonesty isn't just about outright lying. It can also take the form of withholding information, avoiding difficult conversations, or bending the truth to avoid conflict. The damage comes not only from the lie itself but from the betrayal of trust that it represents. Marriage therapist Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring writes in her book “After the Affair,” “The damage caused by dishonesty is not just about the act, but about the violation of the promise to protect and honor each other's vulnerabilities.”

Rebuilding trust after dishonesty is difficult, but it's not impossible. It requires a sincere apology, complete transparency moving forward, and a willingness to rebuild the emotional connection that was damaged. For the partner who was lied to, forgiveness is a choice that takes time and effort, but it's essential if the relationship is to move forward. Honesty must become a non-negotiable foundation for the marriage to heal and grow stronger.

How to Overcome Marriage Problems: 3 Key Strategies

Every marriage faces challenges, but the way couples handle these challenges determines whether their relationship will grow stronger or deteriorate. While there's no one-size-fits-all solution to marital issues, there are three key strategies that can help couples overcome their problems and build a healthier, more resilient partnership.

1. Communication: Open, honest communication is the cornerstone of any strong marriage. It's essential to talk about your feelings, needs, and concerns without judgment. Instead of avoiding tough conversations, face them head-on in a way that fosters understanding and respect. Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, emphasizes the importance of “safe emotional connection” in communication.
2. Take Breaks: When emotions are running high, it's easy for discussions to turn into heated arguments. Taking a break during a conflict allows both partners to cool down and gather their thoughts. This pause can prevent arguments from escalating and provides the space needed to approach the issue with a calmer, clearer mindset.
3. Remember You're a Team: In a marriage, you're not adversaries—you're a team. When you face problems together, rather than against each other, it creates a sense of unity. Shift your mindset from “me vs. you” to “us vs. the problem.” Working together to find solutions helps strengthen the bond and keeps the relationship moving forward.

Conclusion: Working Together to Overcome Challenges

Marriage is filled with ups and downs, but overcoming difficulties together can make your relationship stronger than ever. Whether you're dealing with financial strain, trust issues, or emotional disconnection, the key is to face these challenges as partners, not opponents. By committing to open communication, emotional honesty, and mutual respect, you can navigate even the most complex problems.

It's important to remember that no marriage is perfect, and every couple will encounter difficulties at some point. What sets successful marriages apart is the willingness to work through those challenges, learning and growing together along the way. By addressing issues head-on and making a conscious effort to support each other, you and your partner can overcome any obstacles and build a lasting, fulfilling relationship.

Recommended Resources

• “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by Dr. John Gottman
• “Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love” by Dr. Sue Johnson
• “After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful” by Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring