Shocking Truths About Covenant Marriages (Before You Decide)

Key Takeaways:

• A covenant marriage limits divorce options.
• It requires counseling before marriage.
• Renewed commitment strengthens relationships.
• There are additional separation grounds.
• Traditional marriages can be converted.

What is a covenant marriage?

A covenant marriage is more than a legal agreement; it's a vow of commitment that goes beyond the traditional definition of marriage. If you're wondering what makes it different, think of it as a relationship founded on stronger principles, designed to make couples work harder at their union. Unlike a standard marriage, this type of marriage encourages couples to approach challenges with a long-term mindset, seeking resolution rather than the easy way out.

At its core, a covenant marriage imposes stricter conditions for divorce, requiring couples to seek counseling before dissolving the union. In fact, divorce is only possible under specific conditions such as adultery or domestic abuse. This marriage model appeals to people who want to embrace marriage as a covenant—a deeply spiritual, lasting promise—rather than a contract they can leave when things get tough. It's a powerful choice, and for many, it redefines the nature of love and partnership.

Requirements before entering into a covenant marriage

Before entering a covenant marriage, there are specific steps couples must take to ensure they are fully prepared for this elevated commitment. Each step emphasizes that marriage is not something to be rushed into; it requires thought, patience, and a willingness to work through difficulties together.

The process starts with counseling. In fact, both partners must agree to undergo premarital counseling, a significant aspect of the covenant marriage model. This counseling provides a foundation for understanding how to navigate the inevitable challenges of marriage, teaching couples effective communication skills and conflict resolution techniques.

Next, you'll need to apply for a marriage license, but it's not as simple as the traditional method. For a covenant marriage, there are additional legal documents to complete. A declaration of intent outlines the commitment you're making, and both spouses must sign an affidavit that attests to their intent to enter into this type of marriage. These steps ensure that both partners understand the weight of their decision.

Attend marriage counseling

Premarital counseling isn't just a formality in a covenant marriage—it's an essential step that builds a foundation for future success. Before you even say "I do," you and your partner will sit down with a counselor to explore the realities of marriage. Think of it as a tune-up before the long journey ahead. You'll have a chance to discuss important topics such as communication, finances, and conflict resolution, all under the guidance of a trained professional.

In this setting, couples can learn to recognize their strengths and weaknesses. Sometimes, issues surface during counseling that might not have been visible before. These sessions often become an opportunity for deep reflection, as well as a chance to address potential conflicts before they arise. According to Dr. John Gottman, an expert on marriage stability, “Couples who work through their differences early on have a significantly higher chance of long-term success.” By attending counseling, you're setting your relationship up for a solid, enduring future.

Apply for a marriage license

After you've completed the necessary counseling sessions, the next step is applying for your marriage license. This might sound routine, but with a covenant marriage, it's far more significant. A covenant marriage license isn't like a traditional one—it carries legal weight that reflects the deeper commitment you're making. You'll need to include additional documents, such as a declaration of intent, outlining the reasons why you're choosing to enter this type of marriage.

Not only does this require some additional paperwork, but both spouses must sign an affidavit, attesting to their understanding of the covenant marriage. This document serves as a formal, binding agreement that both partners are dedicated to working through their challenges. The formality of this process ensures that both individuals fully understand the serious nature of this decision. The legalities reinforce that a covenant marriage is not entered into lightly—it's a choice made with care and intention.

Declaration of intent and attestation affidavit

The declaration of intent is where the heart of a covenant marriage truly lies. This document serves as a formal acknowledgment of the seriousness of the commitment being made. In this declaration, both partners explicitly state their intentions to marry and agree to uphold the values that define a covenant marriage. It's not just a symbolic gesture; it holds legal significance. The purpose of the declaration is to ensure that both spouses understand what they are committing to— a lifelong bond with limited grounds for divorce.

The attestation affidavit is another key part of this process. Here, both individuals sign an affidavit affirming that they've read and understood the covenant marriage laws. This is done in the presence of a notary or official, reinforcing the gravity of the situation. Essentially, this affidavit acts as a safeguard, protecting both parties by making sure there's no misunderstanding about the legal implications of entering into a covenant marriage. It's a way to ensure that everyone is on the same page before taking such a life-altering step.

Important information about covenant marriages

Covenant marriages come with a set of expectations that make them unique compared to traditional marriages. For one, they impose stricter criteria for divorce. Unlike a regular marriage, where divorce can be filed for various reasons, a covenant marriage only allows divorce in specific circumstances like adultery, abuse, or abandonment. This makes it a significant decision, as it removes the possibility of easily exiting the relationship when things get tough.

However, it's important to know that divorce is still an option, albeit a limited one. In the case of irreconcilable differences, couples may opt for a legal separation. This separation doesn't end the marriage but allows for time apart to work on issues or decide on the future of the relationship. Separation grounds include addiction, a felony conviction, or persistent abuse, ensuring that partners aren't trapped in harmful situations.

Additionally, there are more grounds for separation in covenant marriages than in traditional ones. The covenant marriage agreement ensures protection for the spouse if any dangerous or unhealthy behavior arises. Moreover, couples can convert a traditional marriage into a covenant marriage later on, renewing their vows and redefining their commitment. This conversion process is an opportunity to strengthen the relationship, allowing couples to reaffirm their love in a legally and spiritually binding way.

In many cases, couples feel that covenant marriages foster stronger family bonds. This is because the focus shifts from individual needs to the collective growth of the partnership and family. Studies show that a renewed focus on commitment often leads to happier, healthier relationships over time. The covenant marriage creates a framework where both spouses are encouraged to work through the ups and downs, rather than choosing divorce as a quick solution to conflict.

Strict criteria for divorce

One of the defining features of a covenant marriage is its strict criteria for divorce. Unlike traditional marriages, where couples can often file for divorce citing irreconcilable differences or mutual consent, covenant marriages limit the reasons a couple can legally dissolve their union. This strictness is designed to reinforce the idea that marriage is a lifelong commitment and should not be abandoned without just cause.

In a covenant marriage, divorce is only permitted under very specific circumstances, such as adultery, abandonment, abuse, or a felony conviction. These conditions are in place to ensure that divorce is seen as a last resort rather than a quick escape from relationship problems. The goal is to encourage couples to work through their issues and view marriage as a serious, enduring commitment. By limiting the grounds for divorce, covenant marriages push couples to seek solutions rather than separation when faced with difficult times.

For many, this aspect of covenant marriage represents both a challenge and a blessing. It asks couples to confront their differences with the understanding that divorce is not an easy option. This approach forces individuals to take responsibility for their part in the relationship, making it harder to walk away when things get tough. As a result, many couples find that this restriction strengthens their resolve to make the marriage work, even when they face serious obstacles.

Divorce is still allowed

While covenant marriages impose strict criteria for divorce, it's important to recognize that divorce is still allowed. Some might mistakenly believe that a covenant marriage is an unbreakable bond with no way out, but that's not the case. Even though the process is more challenging, there are still circumstances where a couple can legally end their marriage.

Divorce in a covenant marriage is permitted under conditions such as infidelity, domestic violence, or other severe breaches of trust. These exceptions are put in place to protect individuals from remaining in unsafe or unhealthy relationships. However, the process typically involves counseling and a waiting period to ensure that all other options have been explored before divorce is finalized. This careful approach is meant to ensure that divorce is not taken lightly and that couples have truly exhausted their efforts to reconcile.

Even if the strict criteria for divorce make the process more challenging, many find comfort in knowing that the option remains available in cases of serious harm or betrayal. It reflects a balance between commitment and protection, ensuring that individuals are not forced to stay in dangerous or damaging situations. Ultimately, while divorce is still an option, it is a more deliberate and thoughtful process in a covenant marriage.

Additional grounds for separation

In addition to the strict criteria for divorce, covenant marriages also provide additional grounds for legal separation. Separation is a significant step, often viewed as a temporary measure to help couples address issues without immediately pursuing divorce. This allows couples the space to reflect, grow, or work on resolving conflicts before making a final decision about their relationship.

The grounds for separation in a covenant marriage extend beyond the typical reasons, such as infidelity or abuse. Couples may also seek separation for reasons such as habitual substance abuse, a felony conviction, or emotional abandonment. These circumstances recognize that sometimes, unhealthy patterns of behavior make continuing the marriage untenable, even if a full divorce isn't yet pursued.

In many cases, separation acts as a time-out, giving both spouses the room to decide whether they want to work towards reconciliation or move forward with divorce. Some couples use this period to attend therapy, address individual issues, or simply take time apart to reflect on their priorities. It offers an opportunity to pause without the finality of divorce.

How to convert a traditional marriage to a covenant marriage

For couples who want to deepen their commitment, converting a traditional marriage into a covenant marriage is an option. This process isn't just a legal formality; it's a chance to renew vows, redefine the relationship, and establish a stronger, more intentional partnership. Whether you've been married for a few years or a few decades, converting to a covenant marriage can provide a fresh perspective and renewed dedication to each other.

The first step in this process is attending counseling. Both partners must undergo marital counseling to discuss their intentions and ensure that they fully understand the weight of a covenant marriage. This is not about fixing a broken marriage but about reaffirming your commitment to make it last, even through difficult times.

After counseling, the couple must file legal documents similar to those required for entering into a covenant marriage from the beginning. These include signing a declaration of intent and an affidavit acknowledging the couple's understanding of the strict divorce laws that apply to covenant marriages. Once the paperwork is processed, the marriage is legally converted, and the couple steps into a new phase of their relationship—one that emphasizes lifelong commitment, personal growth, and resilience in the face of challenges.

This conversion process offers a way for couples to recommit to each other and build a stronger foundation for the future. It can serve as a powerful reminder of the reasons you fell in love and the values that underpin your marriage.

Why do people choose a covenant marriage?

People choose covenant marriages for a variety of deeply personal reasons, but one common thread is the desire for a higher level of commitment. In today's world, where divorce rates are high and relationships often end as soon as problems arise, covenant marriages stand out as a way for couples to signal their intent to work through difficulties and stay together. These marriages are chosen by individuals who view their union not just as a legal contract, but as a sacred bond that deserves protection and perseverance.

For many, the appeal lies in the structure and stability that a covenant marriage offers. By entering into a relationship with stricter guidelines for divorce, both partners are forced to confront problems head-on rather than allowing them to fester. It provides a built-in safeguard against giving up too easily when challenges arise, encouraging communication, counseling, and collaboration. Couples who choose covenant marriage often do so because they believe in the sanctity of marriage and want to ensure that their relationship is rooted in commitment, not convenience.

It's also a choice that reflects a strong value system. Many people who choose covenant marriages do so for religious or spiritual reasons, viewing the marriage as a covenant not just between themselves but also with God. This belief adds an extra layer of responsibility and significance to the relationship, making it something sacred and worth fighting for. Ultimately, covenant marriages are chosen by those who want to elevate their commitment to the highest level.

They discourage divorces

The primary reason couples opt for a covenant marriage is that it actively discourages divorce. While most people enter marriage with the intention of staying together, the reality is that life's pressures can push couples toward separation. Covenant marriages aim to prevent this by removing the possibility of an easy exit.

In a covenant marriage, the process of divorce is more complex and limited to specific circumstances, making it less likely that couples will choose this route when faced with difficulties. This built-in resistance to divorce forces partners to exhaust all other options, such as counseling or trial separation, before deciding to legally end the relationship.

This discouragement of divorce doesn't mean that problems are swept under the rug. In fact, the opposite is true. It pushes couples to confront their issues and engage in meaningful efforts to resolve them, fostering deeper communication and growth. The added effort required to seek a divorce can act as a motivator for couples to work through their struggles, often leading to stronger relationships in the long term. As Dr. Scott Stanley, a marriage researcher, puts it: “When divorce is harder to get, couples tend to work harder at their marriages.”

You get a second chance

One of the most compelling reasons people choose a covenant marriage is the idea of getting a second chance. In any relationship, conflicts and hardships are inevitable, but a covenant marriage encourages couples to look for solutions instead of calling it quits when things get tough. By requiring counseling and other steps before allowing divorce, the covenant marriage model offers a structured opportunity for reconciliation.

This second chance is more than just time to think—it's an invitation to grow. For many couples, the act of working through difficulties together strengthens their bond, offering an opportunity to rediscover each other in new ways. Whether it's through counseling or simply taking the time to reflect on the relationship's core values, covenant marriages provide a framework for healing and rebuilding when things seem broken.

When divorce isn't easily accessible, couples often find themselves investing more time and energy into repairing their relationship. Rather than viewing conflicts as the end of the road, covenant marriages push couples to see them as challenges to overcome, giving the relationship a renewed sense of purpose and direction.

Strengthens families

Covenant marriages don't just benefit the couple—they also have a profound impact on the family unit. When parents choose to work through their issues rather than separate, it creates stability and security for children. The ripple effect of this choice can lead to stronger family bonds, healthier relationships, and a more stable environment for everyone involved.

Research consistently shows that children who grow up in households where both parents are committed to staying together tend to have better emotional and psychological outcomes. The commitment modeled by parents in a covenant marriage teaches children the value of perseverance, communication, and respect within relationships. When they see their parents working through challenges instead of opting for divorce, it sets a powerful example of what it means to be dedicated to family.

By creating an environment of stability and long-term commitment, covenant marriages encourage stronger family dynamics, making it easier for all members to thrive. The long-lasting effects of this commitment go beyond the couple and extend to the children, creating a positive foundation that can be passed down to future generations.

What makes marriage a covenant according to the Bible?

In the Bible, marriage is often described as a sacred covenant, a holy agreement that mirrors God's unwavering commitment to His people. This view of marriage elevates it from a simple contract to something much deeper—an unbreakable bond made before God. In Ephesians 5:31-32, marriage is referred to as a reflection of the relationship between Christ and the Church, emphasizing selflessness, sacrifice, and unconditional love.

A covenant marriage, according to the Bible, is grounded in these principles of faithfulness, endurance, and mutual support. It is not seen as a partnership based on convenience but rather as a lifelong vow made not just between the couple but also with God as a witness. This spiritual dimension adds weight to the relationship, making divorce an option only in extreme cases, such as adultery or abandonment, which are also referenced in biblical teachings (Matthew 19:9).

The Bible portrays marriage as a journey of growth, where both partners are expected to continuously support each other through the ups and downs of life. The idea of marriage as a covenant is meant to encourage patience, understanding, and forgiveness, all values central to a lasting, meaningful relationship.

Reasons for leaving a covenant marriage

Despite the high level of commitment that a covenant marriage represents, there are still valid reasons for leaving such a relationship. While the grounds for divorce are much stricter, they exist to protect individuals from harm or betrayal. Situations like adultery, domestic abuse, or criminal activity provide justifiable reasons for the dissolution of a covenant marriage. These reasons are in place to ensure that no one is trapped in a marriage that endangers their well-being.

In cases of infidelity, the betrayal of trust can be devastating enough to warrant divorce. Domestic violence, whether physical or emotional, is another clear reason to leave a covenant marriage, as no relationship should compromise your safety. If one partner is convicted of a felony or engages in harmful behaviors like substance abuse, this may also serve as a basis for separation or divorce, depending on the severity of the situation.

It's essential to remember that while covenant marriages encourage couples to work through their difficulties, they do not demand that individuals remain in dangerous or deeply broken situations. The covenant marriage model is designed to prioritize commitment, but not at the expense of one's health, safety, or dignity. In cases where reconciliation is impossible, the option to leave remains a necessary and compassionate part of the process.

What to do if you want to leave a covenant marriage

Leaving a covenant marriage is a serious decision, and it's important to approach it with care, patience, and support. The first step is to recognize that a covenant marriage involves stricter guidelines for divorce, so the process will be more complex than in a traditional marriage. Before making any decisions, it's essential to seek counseling, either individually or as a couple. Many couples find that therapy helps clarify their feelings and determine whether reconciliation is possible.

If, after counseling, you still feel that leaving is the best option, you'll need to explore the legal grounds for divorce under the covenant marriage laws. These grounds typically include adultery, abuse, substance addiction, or criminal behavior. If one of these criteria is met, you can proceed with filing for divorce, but there is often a mandatory waiting period or additional counseling sessions required before the divorce is finalized. This built-in delay gives couples one last chance to reconsider and work through their issues.

It's also important to consult with a legal professional who understands the intricacies of covenant marriage law. They can guide you through the legal process, ensuring that all necessary steps are followed. While it may feel overwhelming, having the right support system—both legal and emotional—can make this challenging time easier to navigate.

Remember that leaving a covenant marriage doesn't mean you've failed. Sometimes, despite the best efforts, a relationship may no longer be safe or fulfilling. Recognizing when it's time to walk away, especially when you've exhausted all other options, is a brave and responsible choice.

Recommended Resources

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman
• Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
• The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller