Buying the Ring - Getting Engaged and Married

Excerpted from
Life Sentence : The Guy's Survival Guide to Getting Engaged and Married
By J. D. Smith

Buying an engagement ring is, for most men, a terrifying experience. As well It should be. You've probably bought some jewelry for women in the past, specifically avoiding rings of any size or shape. One friend bought his girlfriend every piece of jewelry imaginable, beginning with a pair of earrings, followed by a bracelet and so on, until he'd seemingly exhausted all the possibilities. The girl was desperate for a ring, but he wanted to keep the commitment to a minimum and so he kept coming up with new items that were decidedly not rings. After the ankle bracelet he proffered a "slave" bracelet, and that was the end of his problem because she left and he started the cycle over again with the next girl.

Many women believe the chief foundation for true love is a large stone. This is further proof that size does matter. If love is something which can be measured in carats, a big ring makes an awfully compelling argument. The Diamond Council suggests that an engagement ring should cost about three months' salary. I'm sure the Egg Council would like their product to cost at least an hour's wage, but nobody ever listens to them.

Buying a ring is enormously expensive, perhaps more expensive than anything you ever bought for yourself, except your car-but that was different. The ring is a token of your everlasting love for your betrothed and a measure of your worth as a human being and a provider. Whether you step up to the plate or not, everybody's going to know. You're making a statement. The ring says "How'm I doin'?" for both of you. Go large, as big as you can. Think "ostentatious." Think "wow!" Think "skating rink." Buying a ring should hurt a little bit, but you will be far better off poor-but-happy than wealthy-but-miserable.

There are basically two ways to do this ring thing. You can research the deal on your own and take your chances, or you can get her involved. With Plan A, the more traditional approach, you have the element of surprise working for you. Even if you have discussed getting married with your girlfriend, actually asking is a well-orchestrated sneak attack. (Be very careful if you talk about getting married in conceptual terms. This is not idle chatter and can work against you. A seemingly innocent statement about your future like "I think I'll want to have children someday" opens you up to a lot of conversational tangents you might not have considered. Trying to stop the cross-examination can be like trying to stuff a mattress into a suitcase.) The D-Day invasion is a good model of both stealth and execution. Your pending engagement should receive top secret status, especially in the unlikely event that she says no.

Plan B means getting her involved and thus removes some of the surprise for both of you, except for the actual moment, location, and method of the popping of the question itself. Which, by the way, will be the last moment you're even nominally in charge of things in your relationship, so savor this moment. You may have been calling the shots up till then, but the sound of the popping of the question is the Maginot Line in every relationship. That's when she says yes or no. Either way, she is establishing a pattern that you can ask questions and she then tells you what's up-and her decision is final. After that you start planning the wedding, which is her showcase. Then you have the honeymoon, and then the honeymoon is over, as we shall see.

Buying a ring means getting an intense crash course in a subject most men avoid-Diamonds. You're like a CIA operative getting briefed for a deep-cover assignment behind enemy lines. You are going to know all about some things called "cut," "clarity," and "carat." You will become a certified expert on the subject of the "three Cs," and a whole bunch of different shapes and settings, exactly at the moment your tutor, the jeweler, swipes your credit card.

Get to know your jeweler. Diamonds are a boy's best friend. There is almost no hole so deep you can't dig your way out of it with diamonds. Besides, a diamond carries with it an implicit bonus (see "Blow Jobs") for good behavior. This is not the last piece of jewelry you're going to buy and you might as well be friends with the guy you're giving all your money to. Think of him as your junior partner in the business that is your wife.