57 Sex Questions to Ask Before Marriage (Don't Miss These!)

Key Takeaways:

Discuss sex openly before marriage
Ensure mutual sexual compatibility
Set clear sexual expectations
Explore desires and boundaries
Promote safety and trust in intimacy

Why discussing sex before marriage matters

Sex is often considered a deeply personal topic, and many couples hesitate to dive into it before marriage. But here's the truth: discussing sex before you say "I do" is not just beneficial—it's essential. Why? Because it fosters understanding, builds trust, and helps you avoid potential issues down the line. Waiting until after the wedding to talk about your sexual preferences, boundaries, and expectations can lead to unmet needs and even resentment.

Sexual intimacy is a major pillar in long-term relationships, and leaving it unaddressed can create cracks in an otherwise solid foundation. Not talking about it is a gamble with your emotional and physical connection. A proactive conversation before marriage ensures that you both understand each other's needs and expectations, which leads to a more fulfilling relationship. Plus, addressing concerns upfront can ease anxieties and clear up any misunderstandings.

The importance of sexual compatibility

Sexual compatibility isn't just about having a good time in the bedroom—it's about aligning on deeper values, preferences, and boundaries. If you're not on the same page sexually, frustration and disappointment can build, eroding the relationship over time. That's why sexual compatibility is critical for long-term happiness.

Some couples assume sexual chemistry will just fall into place after marriage. However, that assumption can be dangerous. If your desires, libido, or boundaries differ significantly from your partner's, you may experience conflict or emotional distance. We need to address these aspects openly before commitment, ensuring both partners feel heard and respected.

As the famous sex therapist Esther Perel once said, “Eroticism thrives in the space between the self and the other.” This means that understanding and respecting each other's sexual identities, boundaries, and preferences enhances both intimacy and attraction. You create a stronger connection when you're intentional about navigating this vital area of your relationship.

When is the right time to have 'the talk'?

Timing is everything when it comes to conversations about sex. You don't want to bring it up during a heated argument or when one of you is distracted or stressed. So, when is the right time? Ideally, you want to have this conversation when you're both relaxed and emotionally open. Maybe it's after a fun date, or when you're having a quiet moment together. Choose a time when both of you feel comfortable, calm, and are in the right mental space to engage in a meaningful discussion.

One of the biggest mistakes couples make is waiting until there's a problem to talk about sex. But discussing sexual expectations and boundaries early on helps prevent misunderstandings and sets the stage for a healthier dynamic. Addressing this topic before marriage is key, not just to avoid surprises, but to show each other that your emotional and physical well-being matters.

If you're wondering whether to have the conversation before or after engagement, there's no hard rule. However, earlier tends to be better. The sooner you're both on the same page, the more you can feel secure in your relationship as it grows.

How to approach sexual conversations with your partner

Approaching the topic of sex can feel daunting, but it doesn't have to be. Start by framing the conversation as something positive. Make it clear that this isn't about criticism or judgment, but about ensuring mutual happiness and understanding. Approach your partner with openness and curiosity, making the discussion less about confrontation and more about connection.

One helpful strategy is to ask open-ended questions. For instance, you might say, "What makes you feel most comfortable when it comes to intimacy?" or "What's something we can explore together?" These kinds of questions create space for honest dialogue, rather than making it feel like an interrogation or checklist. The key is to foster a safe space where both partners feel comfortable expressing their feelings without fear of being judged.

According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, “The success of a conversation lies not in its content, but in the emotional tone.” So, maintaining a calm, compassionate attitude can make all the difference. If both of you feel safe, heard, and respected, the conversation will naturally flow and bring you closer together.

Pick the right time for the conversation

Timing is essential. We've all been there—when we try to bring up a tough subject at the wrong moment and it backfires. When it comes to discussing sex before marriage, picking the right time can make the difference between a productive, intimate conversation and one that feels tense or rushed. The best time isn't when your partner just walked in the door after a stressful day or when you're both exhausted late at night. Instead, wait for a time when you're both emotionally available. This could be during a quiet evening, over a peaceful meal, or even after a weekend getaway when you're both feeling relaxed.

Take a moment to think about the rhythm of your relationship. When are you both the most connected? This is the moment to introduce such a conversation, not when you're busy, preoccupied, or dealing with other life stresses. Set aside a space where neither of you feels the pressure to rush the conversation. You want to have time to talk openly and really listen to each other. The right time means the right mindset, and that leads to a much more meaningful conversation.

Make it about your partner first

When initiating a conversation about sex, especially before marriage, you want to lead with empathy and curiosity. This isn't just about what you need or want—it's about learning what your partner needs to feel loved, secure, and understood. Starting the discussion with questions about how they feel sets a tone of care and consideration. You could ask, "How do you feel about our physical intimacy?" or "Is there anything I can do to make you feel more comfortable or desired?"

Making it about them first helps dissolve any defensiveness and opens up a space for deeper connection. When your partner feels that their feelings and needs are a priority, it creates an environment where they can be more open and vulnerable. According to therapist Brené Brown, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” This means that by making the conversation about your partner, you're paving the way for greater intimacy and a stronger relationship.

So, instead of leading with your own concerns, take a step back. Ask, listen, and genuinely engage with their perspective. You'll not only create a more open dialogue, but you'll also be able to address your needs more easily later in the conversation.

Be honest and vulnerable

Being honest about your feelings and desires might seem scary, but it's crucial for building a strong foundation in your relationship, especially when discussing sex before marriage. Vulnerability is not a weakness; it's a strength. When you openly share your concerns, desires, or insecurities, you invite your partner to do the same. This creates a safe space for both of you to grow closer emotionally and intimately.

Honesty isn't just about expressing your wants, though. It's also about being upfront about your boundaries and any past experiences that may shape how you feel about intimacy. Maybe you've had bad experiences that make you hesitant, or perhaps you're just nervous about talking about sex. Whatever it is, say it. When you show your true self, you give your partner permission to do the same.

Relationship coach Terri Cole reminds us, “Authenticity is the foundation for any great relationship.” So don't hold back. The more transparent you are, the deeper the connection you will build. Plus, it's better to address these things now than to let them become bigger issues down the road.

How to listen actively

Talking about sex before marriage isn't just about expressing your own needs—it's equally about listening to your partner's. Active listening means being fully present in the conversation, not just waiting for your turn to talk. You want to make sure your partner feels heard and understood. To do this, focus on what they're saying rather than mentally preparing your response. It's about understanding their perspective and showing that you value their feelings.

You can practice active listening by asking clarifying questions like, “What makes you feel that way?” or “Can you explain more about what you mean by that?” This not only helps you understand your partner better, but it also shows them that you care enough to engage deeply in the conversation. Avoid interrupting or jumping to conclusions; instead, let them finish their thoughts before responding.

It's also important to acknowledge what your partner is saying with phrases like, “I hear you,” or “That makes sense.” This validates their feelings and keeps the conversation constructive. According to psychologist Carl Rogers, “The ability to listen, without judging or interpreting, is one of the most powerful tools in a relationship.” So, listen with your heart as much as your ears, and you'll find your conversations becoming more meaningful and enriching.

Be clear, calm, and direct

When discussing something as important and personal as sex before marriage, clarity is key. You don't want to dance around the subject or leave things open to interpretation. Be direct about what you need, what you expect, and what your boundaries are. At the same time, maintain a calm and compassionate tone. Being too aggressive or defensive can shut down the conversation before it even begins.

Clear communication means saying what you mean without leaving room for misunderstandings. For example, instead of saying, “I just want things to be better,” try being more specific: “I would like us to talk more openly about our physical intimacy and what we both enjoy.” This leaves no room for confusion and makes the conversation more productive. It's also helpful to stay calm, especially if the conversation takes an unexpected turn. Take deep breaths and focus on keeping the dialogue respectful and constructive.

Clarity doesn't mean harshness, though. You can be clear without being blunt or hurtful. Focus on expressing your needs in a way that encourages openness, not defensiveness. Remember, the goal is to strengthen your connection, not to create more distance.

Offer reassurance, avoid blame or judgment

Sexual conversations can make anyone feel vulnerable. That's why offering reassurance throughout the discussion is so important. Let your partner know that this isn't about criticizing or judging them. You're both in this together, and the conversation is meant to deepen your understanding of each other. Saying things like, “I really appreciate you sharing this with me” or “I'm so glad we're talking about this” helps to create a safe space for honesty.

Avoid framing the conversation with blame, such as, “You never...” or “You always...” These kinds of statements put your partner on the defensive and make it harder for them to open up. Instead, try using “I” statements like, “I feel...” or “I need...” These focus on your feelings and experiences without accusing your partner of doing something wrong. It keeps the conversation solution-focused rather than conflict-driven.

No one wants to feel judged, especially when discussing something as intimate as sexual preferences and desires. By showing empathy and avoiding criticism, you encourage your partner to be just as open and honest with you. This leads to more productive conversations and a healthier, happier relationship.

Focusing on practical solutions

Once you've discussed your concerns, desires, and boundaries, the next step is to focus on practical solutions. It's not enough to just talk about the problems—you need to actively work together to find ways to improve your sexual connection and relationship. This might involve trying new things in the bedroom, setting clear boundaries, or simply scheduling more time for intimacy. Whatever the issue, the solution should be something both of you agree on.

Practical solutions aren't always about sex itself. Sometimes it's about addressing emotional or lifestyle factors that impact intimacy. For example, if stress from work is getting in the way, talk about ways to reduce that stress, whether it's through exercise, better time management, or even couples counseling. The point is to create a partnership where both of you are working toward the same goal: a fulfilling and mutually satisfying sex life.

Relationship therapist Dr. Sue Johnson reminds us, “Good relationships don't just happen. They are created.” By focusing on practical, achievable steps, you can actively build a stronger, more intimate connection with your partner. It's all about teamwork, patience, and communication.

What to know about sexual history and STD status

Discussing sexual history and STD status before marriage might feel awkward, but it's an essential part of ensuring trust and safety in your relationship. You both deserve to feel secure, and that starts with transparency. Before becoming sexually active, it's important to ask your partner about their sexual history—not out of judgment, but out of care for each other's health and well-being.

It's crucial to approach this topic without shame or embarrassment. Simply ask, “Have you been tested for STDs?” or “Do you know your STD status?” Be prepared to share your own history as well. This openness ensures that both of you are protecting each other from potential risks and can feel fully comfortable moving forward. If either of you hasn't been tested recently, consider doing it together. This not only shows responsibility but also builds trust.

Being upfront about your sexual past helps prevent future surprises and shows that you respect each other enough to prioritize safety. It's not just about physical health—it's about emotional trust. When you're both open and honest about these details, you lay the foundation for a relationship built on mutual care and responsibility.

Why discussing birth control is essential

Birth control isn't just a “women's issue” or something to be discussed after the fact—it's a topic that both partners need to address before becoming sexually active. When you're in a committed relationship, especially one headed toward marriage, discussing how to prevent pregnancy or plan for it is crucial. It's not just about avoiding surprises; it's about making informed decisions together.

You should be clear about your options and preferences regarding birth control, whether that's condoms, hormonal contraception, or natural family planning. Ask your partner what they feel comfortable with, and make sure you're both on the same page about how to handle things if contraception fails. These conversations ensure that both partners are equally responsible for the decisions being made.

If you're planning on starting a family in the future, this is also a good time to talk about when and how you'd like to start trying. “Family planning” is part of a broader conversation about what both of you want out of your relationship and your future together. According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, being clear about reproductive choices and options fosters trust and prevents misunderstandings. The earlier you address birth control, the smoother your journey into a sexual relationship will be.

Talking about personal sexual boundaries

Establishing personal sexual boundaries is an essential part of any healthy relationship. These boundaries help ensure that both you and your partner feel respected, comfortable, and safe in your intimate experiences. Boundaries aren't just about saying “no” to things you don't want to do—they're about expressing your needs, limits, and desires in a way that's clear and non-negotiable.

When discussing sexual boundaries, it's important to be upfront about what makes you feel comfortable and what doesn't. Maybe there are specific acts that are off-limits for you, or maybe you need certain emotional reassurances to feel at ease. Whatever your boundaries are, expressing them clearly helps prevent misunderstandings and ensures that your partner respects your limits.

Boundaries can evolve over time, and that's okay. What's important is maintaining an open dialogue with your partner, revisiting these boundaries as needed, and making sure they align with both of your comfort levels. “Good boundaries create freedom,” says psychotherapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, and this couldn't be more true in a sexual relationship. When you both know what feels safe and acceptable, it paves the way for deeper intimacy and trust.

57 sexual questions to ask before marriage

Asking the right questions about sex before marriage isn't just about learning more about your partner's preferences—it's about fostering openness, building trust, and ensuring you're both aligned on your needs and boundaries. These conversations go beyond simple yes-or-no questions. They dive into how each of you views intimacy, what makes you feel desired, and how you can build a satisfying sexual relationship together.

Here are 57 essential questions you can ask your partner before marriage. These will help you explore everything from sexual desires and fantasies to boundaries and long-term expectations. Consider this a deep dive into each other's emotional and physical worlds:

What makes you feel most desired?
How do you feel about trying new things in bed?
What is your biggest sexual turn-on?
Do you have any fantasies you'd like to share?
What's something you've always wanted to try?
Are there any sexual activities that are off-limits for you?
How do you feel about initiating sex?
How often do you think is ideal for us to be intimate?
What makes you feel emotionally connected during sex?
What does foreplay mean to you?
How do you prefer to be touched?
What does sexual satisfaction look like for you?
How important is sexual chemistry to you in a relationship?
Do you feel comfortable talking about sex openly?
What's one way I can improve our sexual connection?
How do you feel about using protection?
How do you view birth control and family planning?
What are your thoughts on sexual experimentation?
Is there anything in our sex life you'd like to change?
How can I make you feel more comfortable during intimacy?
What's something that makes you feel sexy?
What's a fantasy you'd be open to exploring together?
Do you enjoy verbal affirmation during sex?
What's your favorite way to unwind after being intimate?
How do you feel about scheduling sex to keep the spark alive?
What do you think we can do to maintain a healthy sex life?
What's your view on public displays of affection?
How do you feel about talking about our sex life with friends?
What's your comfort level with watching adult content?
What's your love language, and how does it relate to intimacy?
Are there any past experiences that affect how you view sex?
Do you think sex should be spontaneous or planned?
What makes you feel most respected in our relationship?
What do you consider a sexual deal-breaker?
How do you feel about aftercare or post-sex affection?
What's something we haven't explored yet that you'd like to?
How do you feel about sexual communication during intimacy?
What do you think makes sex great for both of us?
How do you feel about role-playing or experimenting with different dynamics?
What kind of physical touch do you crave the most?
How do you feel about expressing your desires openly?
Do you think we communicate enough about sex?
What's something I can do that turns you on outside of the bedroom?
Do you have any fantasies you're nervous to share?
How do you feel about incorporating toys or tools into our sex life?
What's your ideal sexual experience?
How do you feel when we try new things together?
What's a way we can build more trust in our intimacy?
How do you feel about communicating what you need during sex?
What's your favorite form of non-sexual intimacy?
How important is sex to the overall health of our relationship?
What's something that would improve our connection physically?
Do you feel we understand each other's sexual needs?
What's your favorite way to initiate sex?
Do you feel comfortable setting boundaries with me?
What's a sexual goal you'd like us to achieve together?
How do you feel when we communicate before and after sex?

These questions not only spark deeper conversations, but they also pave the way for a healthier, more fulfilling sexual relationship. Asking these questions helps each of you to feel heard, respected, and understood. It's not just about what happens in the bedroom, but about how both of you experience and share intimacy in your marriage.

5 reasons to talk about sex before having it

Talking about sex before having it may seem like an awkward hurdle to jump, but the benefits far outweigh the discomfort. Here are five essential reasons why you need to have this conversation with your partner:

Ensures safety: Discussing things like STD status, contraception, and boundaries before sex helps ensure that both partners are protected and feel safe. It eliminates guesswork and builds trust.
Expresses desires: Communication is key to sexual satisfaction. By talking openly about what you both want or don't want, you can ensure that your experience will be fulfilling and enjoyable for both of you.
Sets expectations: Misunderstandings about intimacy can create tension in a relationship. Discussing expectations up front helps avoid any disappointment or confusion later on.
Improves the sexual experience: When both partners are clear about their desires and boundaries, they can relax and focus on enjoying the experience rather than worrying about whether they're on the same page.
Keeps things exciting: Open communication about sexual preferences allows couples to explore new things and keep the excitement alive in their relationship. When both people feel comfortable, the potential for deeper intimacy grows.

Ultimately, having these discussions sets the stage for a healthy, fulfilling sex life. You create an environment where both of you feel safe, heard, and excited to explore intimacy together.

Ensuring safety and comfort in the bedroom

Safety and comfort are fundamental to creating a fulfilling sexual experience. Before diving into physical intimacy, it's important to discuss what makes each of you feel safe and respected. This includes everything from agreeing on the use of protection to understanding each other's sexual boundaries.

Making sure both partners feel physically and emotionally safe can dramatically improve the quality of your relationship. For example, if you or your partner are anxious about certain activities or have past trauma that might affect intimacy, it's essential to discuss those feelings ahead of time. This way, you both know how to navigate sensitive areas with care and respect.

Comfort in the bedroom also means physical comfort—having an open dialogue about what feels good, what doesn't, and how to make the experience more enjoyable. Sometimes, small changes can make a world of difference. Maybe your partner prefers softer lighting or a slower pace. These are things you won't know unless you ask and share.

By ensuring safety and comfort, you create an atmosphere where trust can flourish. In turn, this opens the door to more pleasurable and meaningful experiences together.

Expressing your desires and preferences

Being able to express your sexual desires and preferences openly with your partner is an essential part of any relationship. It's not just about getting what you want—it's about creating an environment where both partners feel empowered to share their needs. For many, this can be difficult, especially if you've never had these conversations before. But trust me, being open about your desires is one of the best ways to deepen your connection.

You don't have to be an expert in communication to express your needs. Start small, with phrases like, “I've always been curious about...” or “I really enjoy when you...” This approach keeps the conversation positive and curious rather than critical. The key is to frame it in a way that encourages mutual exploration. Make sure to ask your partner what they enjoy as well. The more you talk, the more comfortable you'll both feel discussing what works for each of you.

By sharing your desires and preferences, you invite your partner into a deeper, more intimate connection. The act of revealing these parts of yourself not only strengthens your bond but also paves the way for a more satisfying sexual relationship. This mutual understanding lays the foundation for trust and emotional closeness.

Setting clear sexual expectations

Sexual expectations can make or break a relationship. If one partner assumes something that the other is uncomfortable with—or simply isn't interested in—it can lead to misunderstandings and frustration. This is why setting clear sexual expectations before marriage is so important. It gives both partners the opportunity to establish what they want, need, and expect from their physical relationship.

It's not just about frequency or specific acts—it's about how you both view sex in the larger context of your relationship. Is it a means of emotional connection for you, or more of a physical expression? How often do you both want to be intimate? These are all important aspects of your sexual relationship that need to be discussed early on. Clarity in expectations helps avoid any future disappointments and ensures that both of you are on the same page.

Set the stage for honesty by saying something like, “This is what I expect when it comes to intimacy, but I want to hear what works for you too.” You're creating an ongoing conversation that will evolve with your relationship. The more honest and upfront you are now, the more satisfying and fulfilling your sexual relationship will be in the long term.

Recommended Resources

The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel
Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson

Sign In