5 Steps (to Reignite Desire) If You're Turned Off by Your Husband

Key Takeaways:

Identify why attraction has faded.
Communicate openly about your feelings.
Reconnect emotionally and physically.
Seek support through therapy.
Prioritize self-care and personal growth.

Why Am I So Turned Off by My Husband?

It's a painful and confusing experience to wake up one day and realize you're not as attracted to your husband as you once were. The man you once shared everything with now feels distant, maybe even foreign. You might wonder, "What changed?" and more importantly, "Can I fix it?" This emotional disconnection can happen for many reasons—some subtle, others more obvious—and it's crucial to dig deep into what's happening before things spiral further. You're not alone in feeling this way, and understanding why you feel turned off is the first step toward healing. Let's explore why these feelings arise and how we can begin addressing them.

Communication Breakdown: When Words No Longer Connect

Have you ever felt like you're speaking different languages in your marriage? You're not imagining it. Over time, communication in relationships can break down, leading to misunderstandings, resentment, or simply feeling unheard. You might be trying to express your needs, frustrations, or desires, but somehow the words don't land with the same impact. Miscommunication or silence between partners can create a vast emotional distance, one that chips away at intimacy and attraction.

Dr. John Gottman, an expert in relationship psychology, highlights the importance of regular, constructive communication in long-term relationships. He suggests that "turning toward each other" rather than away during moments of conflict or conversation strengthens emotional bonds. When we stop communicating effectively, we start drifting apart, and it's easy to feel turned off when we no longer feel heard or understood by our spouse.

Breaking this cycle requires intentional, open conversations, even when it feels uncomfortable. It's about listening, really listening, to what your partner is saying, and being brave enough to voice your own thoughts without fear of judgment.

Monotony and Routine: Losing the Spark

Routine can be comforting, but it can also become a relationship killer if not balanced with excitement. The day-to-day grind, responsibilities, and predictable patterns may lead to a sense of emotional numbness. You wake up, go through your routine, barely exchanging meaningful words with your spouse, and before you know it, weeks or even months have passed where the romance is more a distant memory than a current reality.

This monotony can cause the once-strong bond to weaken as both partners settle into a rhythm that no longer includes nurturing the emotional or physical connection. What was once fun and adventurous now feels like something on autopilot.

To reignite the spark, you have to break free from these routines. Date nights, new experiences, or even small, spontaneous gestures can make a world of difference. When was the last time you did something unexpected for your partner? Sometimes all it takes is a little effort to inject some excitement back into the relationship.

Emotional Disconnect: Feeling Distant and Alone

Few things are more painful in a relationship than feeling emotionally alone, especially when your partner is right next to you. Emotional disconnect can happen for many reasons—over time, you may stop sharing your innermost thoughts or might feel like your partner doesn't really understand you anymore.

This distance can create a silent wall, leaving one or both partners feeling isolated within the relationship. It's not unusual to hear someone say, "I love my husband, but I just don't feel close to him anymore." Without emotional intimacy, physical attraction often fades as well.

Dr. Sue Johnson, a clinical psychologist known for her work on attachment, states, "Emotional responsiveness is the heart of love. When we feel heard, validated, and supported, the emotional connection deepens." Without this, you might find yourself drifting further apart, both emotionally and physically.

Rebuilding emotional intimacy starts with vulnerability. It's about opening up, sharing your fears, your dreams, and your worries again. When both partners make the effort to reconnect emotionally, it sets the stage for a more fulfilling, intimate relationship.

Unresolved Conflicts: Lingering Issues Create Distance

Every couple has disagreements, but when conflicts are left unresolved, they can fester beneath the surface, creating invisible barriers between you and your husband. It's the small arguments that never got closure or the big fights that were brushed under the rug. Over time, these lingering issues don't just disappear—they build resentment.

You might find yourself avoiding conversations altogether because you fear they'll lead to another argument. And when you stop talking about the tough stuff, the connection begins to fade. Unresolved conflicts can create a low-grade tension in the relationship, making it harder to feel close, intimate, or even attracted to your partner.

“In every relationship, there comes a point when the pain of unresolved issues outweighs the comfort of avoiding them,” writes therapist Esther Perel. Confronting these conflicts with honesty and care can begin to tear down the walls that have built up over time. We have to address them, even if it's uncomfortable, so we don't continue living in a state of emotional limbo.

Stress and External Factors: How Life Takes a Toll

Life gets busy. Between work, family responsibilities, finances, and everything in between, it's easy to let stress pile up. And often, when we're stressed, our relationships suffer. You might find yourself feeling more irritable, less patient, and ultimately, less connected to your husband. Stress has a sneaky way of eroding intimacy—sometimes without us even realizing it.

External pressures like financial strain, career setbacks, or the stress of raising children can create distance in a marriage. When stress levels are high, it's easy to shift focus away from each other, leading to feelings of neglect and emotional disconnect.

“Chronic stress can take a significant toll on both mental and physical well-being, as well as relationships,” writes Dr. Kelly McGonigal, a health psychologist. Learning how to manage stress, either individually or as a couple, can help bring back the connection that feels lost. Whether through mindfulness, exercise, or simply prioritizing time together, it's essential to address these external factors before they overwhelm the relationship.

Physical Changes: When Attraction Shifts

Over the years, our bodies change—whether it's from aging, childbirth, lifestyle changes, or health issues. It's completely natural. But when these physical changes happen, it can affect how we perceive ourselves and our partners. Perhaps your husband has gained weight, or his appearance has changed in ways that no longer attract you like they once did. Maybe it's your own body image that's shifted, making it hard for you to feel comfortable and desirable in the relationship.

Physical attraction plays a big role in intimacy, and when it shifts, the entire dynamic of a relationship can change. It's easy to feel distant or disconnected when that spark isn't there, but it's important to remember that attraction can be reignited. Focusing on emotional intimacy can sometimes reignite physical desire.

Changes in appearance don't have to spell the end of attraction. It's about redefining what attraction means in a long-term relationship, understanding that emotional closeness can fuel physical desire just as much, if not more, than looks alone.

Neglected Self-Care: The Impact on Intimacy

When we stop taking care of ourselves, it doesn't just impact us—it impacts our relationships. Neglecting self-care, whether physically, mentally, or emotionally, can make it harder to connect intimately with your partner. If you've been feeling turned off by your husband, it's worth reflecting on whether you've also been neglecting yourself.

When we're not in a good place with ourselves, it's hard to be fully present in a relationship. Maybe you've let your health or emotional well-being slide due to stress, work, or family obligations. Maybe you don't feel as confident or vibrant as you once did. This can spill over into how we view our partner and the relationship as a whole.

Psychologist Brené Brown reminds us, “We can't practice compassion with others if we can't treat ourselves kindly.” Self-care isn't selfish—it's necessary for a healthy, fulfilling relationship. When you prioritize yourself, you show up more fully for your partner. Reconnecting with your own needs and desires can reignite the attraction you thought was gone.

Unfulfilled Expectations: When Reality Doesn't Match Hopes

We all enter relationships with expectations—hopes for how our partner will treat us, how we'll grow together, and what our life will look like. But when reality doesn't match those expectations, it can lead to disappointment and a growing disconnection. Maybe you thought marriage would be filled with romance, spontaneous gestures, and constant emotional support. Instead, you find yourself caught in the routines of daily life, with your needs going unmet.

Unfulfilled expectations can cause frustration, resentment, and ultimately a feeling of being turned off by your husband. You might ask yourself, "Is this really what I signed up for?" When we cling too tightly to these idealized visions, it becomes harder to appreciate the reality of the relationship for what it is.

It's important to recognize that no relationship is perfect, and sometimes we need to reevaluate what we expect from our partner and our marriage. This doesn't mean settling or lowering your standards, but rather adjusting them to fit the complexities of real life. Learning to communicate these unmet needs and finding ways to meet in the middle is key to restoring the connection you've lost.

Trust Issues: A Hidden Strain on Desire

Trust is the foundation of every healthy relationship, and without it, intimacy suffers. If trust has been broken—whether through dishonesty, infidelity, or emotional betrayal—it can create a huge barrier to feeling attracted to your partner. Even if you've tried to move past the issue, trust issues often linger beneath the surface, creating an invisible strain on desire.

Trust issues don't always stem from dramatic betrayals. Sometimes they're built slowly, through small, repeated breaches of trust. Maybe your husband hasn't been emotionally available, or he hasn't followed through on promises. Over time, these seemingly minor infractions can erode the trust that's necessary for both emotional and physical intimacy.

In her book "The State of Affairs," Esther Perel writes, “Trust is the foundation for connection, but rebuilding it after it's been broken takes patience, effort, and a willingness to be vulnerable again.” Without trust, it's hard to feel safe enough to be intimate. Restoring trust isn't easy, but it's essential if you want to rediscover that lost desire.

Change in Interests: Growing Apart Over Time

As people grow and evolve, it's natural for interests and passions to change. Maybe you and your husband once shared common hobbies, goals, and dreams. But over time, you've drifted in different directions—he's now deeply invested in activities that you don't find exciting or meaningful, and you've found new passions that he doesn't share.

This shift can create a quiet but significant gap between you. The connection that once came so easily now feels strained, as you struggle to find common ground. It's not that you don't care about each other, but without shared experiences or interests, it can feel like you're living parallel lives instead of an intertwined one.

Growing apart is a slow process, often unnoticed until the distance becomes hard to ignore. Rekindling the bond means making a conscious effort to reconnect. Find new activities that you both enjoy, or take an interest in what matters to your partner. Relationships require effort to grow together rather than apart, and that might mean exploring new things as a couple to rekindle that shared connection.

Infidelity: Dealing with Betrayal

Infidelity is one of the most painful breaches of trust in a marriage, and it can have a profound impact on how you view your husband—and yourself. Betrayal cuts deep, leaving emotional scars that can take a long time to heal. It's not just about the physical act; the emotional fallout can leave you questioning your worth, the integrity of your relationship, and whether you can ever feel connected again.

Whether it's a one-time mistake or an ongoing affair, infidelity shakes the foundation of the relationship. You might find it impossible to look at your husband the same way, and the attraction that once felt so strong may now be overshadowed by feelings of hurt, anger, and mistrust.

Recovering from infidelity is possible, but it requires honesty, transparency, and an enormous amount of effort from both partners. According to relationship expert Dr. Shirley Glass, author of "Not Just Friends," rebuilding after infidelity involves “creating a new transparency, rebuilding trust, and focusing on the future rather than dwelling in the past.” Only through mutual commitment to healing can you begin to restore what was lost.

Parenting Stress: The Toll of Raising Children Together

Raising children is one of life's greatest joys, but it's also one of the most exhausting and demanding experiences a couple can go through. Between sleepless nights, endless responsibilities, and the constant focus on the kids, it's easy for the relationship between parents to take a backseat. You might find yourself so wrapped up in the role of “mom” or “dad” that you forget what it was like to be just “us” as a couple.

Parenting stress can create emotional and physical exhaustion, leaving little energy for intimacy. When you're both running on empty, it's hard to prioritize each other or even feel attracted to your partner. The constant demands of parenting often mean that romantic moments are few and far between, which can lead to a sense of disconnection.

It's important to carve out time, even if it's just a little, to reconnect as a couple. Whether it's a date night or simply sitting together after the kids are asleep, these small moments can help you feel close again and remind you why you fell in love in the first place. Balancing parenthood and partnership is tough, but it's worth the effort.

Sexual Dissatisfaction: Why the Bedroom Feels Empty

Sexual dissatisfaction is a common, but often unspoken, issue in long-term relationships. Over time, the excitement and passion that once defined your intimate moments can fade, leaving you feeling unfulfilled or even disinterested. Maybe your needs have changed, or your sexual connection has grown stale. Whatever the reason, when the bedroom feels empty, it can cast a shadow over the entire relationship.

This can be particularly tough when one partner still feels sexually fulfilled while the other does not. If you feel like you're not on the same page sexually, it can lead to frustration, resentment, and a deeper emotional disconnect. Ignoring the problem only makes it worse, as unresolved issues in the bedroom often spill into other areas of the relationship.

Open communication is the first step toward improving sexual satisfaction. Talk about what you both want and need, and be willing to explore ways to reignite the passion. According to sex therapist Emily Nagoski, author of "Come As You Are," understanding each other's sexual desires and triggers can help couples navigate these dry spells and create a more satisfying sexual connection. It's not just about physical pleasure—it's about emotional intimacy and understanding each other on a deeper level.

5 Steps to Take if You Feel Turned Off by Your Husband

Feeling turned off by your husband doesn't have to be the end of your relationship. It's a signal that something needs to change, and the good news is, with effort and intentionality, many couples can rekindle their connection. If you're struggling with these feelings, there are steps you can take to rediscover the love and attraction that feels distant right now.

Here are five actionable steps that can help you navigate this challenging phase and bring you closer to your husband again. Whether it's improving communication or reigniting the romance, these changes can make a big difference in how you feel about your relationship.

1. Practice Open and Honest Communication

Communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. If you're feeling disconnected or turned off by your husband, the first step is to talk about it. Yes, it's uncomfortable, and yes, it might lead to some difficult conversations, but avoiding the issue won't make it go away. Start by expressing how you feel—not in a way that blames or criticizes, but in a way that opens up a dialogue about what's missing.

Psychologist Dr. John Gottman emphasizes the importance of "soft start-ups" in conversations. Rather than starting with accusations, approach the conversation with gentleness. For example, instead of saying, "You never do anything romantic anymore," try, "I miss the way we used to spend time together." This can prevent defensiveness and encourage a more productive conversation.

It's also essential to listen, really listen, to what your husband has to say. Maybe he's feeling disconnected too. Honest communication is about understanding each other's needs and finding solutions together. Even if the conversations are tough at first, they are the pathway to rebuilding the emotional and physical connection you crave.

2. Seek Help Through Counseling and Therapy

Sometimes, we can't fix everything on our own, and that's okay. If the disconnection in your marriage feels too deep to tackle alone, seeking help through counseling or therapy can be a game-changer. A professional can offer guidance, mediate difficult conversations, and provide tools to rebuild your relationship. Marriage counseling isn't a sign of failure; it's a step toward healing.

Therapy provides a neutral space where both you and your husband can express your feelings openly without judgment. A therapist can help you uncover underlying issues that may not be immediately obvious—issues that are contributing to the loss of attraction or emotional distance. Sometimes, we need a little outside perspective to help us see the root of the problem.

As relationship expert Dr. Sue Johnson writes, “Love is a continual process of tuning in, connecting, missing, and misconnecting.” Therapy can help you and your husband navigate this process, making sure you're reconnecting rather than continuing to drift apart. Seeking help early on can prevent deeper rifts from forming and can reignite the emotional bond that feels lost.

3. Reignite the Romance Together

Romance doesn't just happen; it requires effort, especially in long-term relationships. If you're feeling turned off by your husband, it's time to reignite that romantic spark. This doesn't have to mean grand gestures or expensive trips—it can start with small, meaningful actions that bring you closer together.

Remember the early days of your relationship when you would surprise each other with little acts of love? It's time to bring some of that back. Plan a date night, leave a thoughtful note, or do something that reminds your husband how much you care. Sometimes, the simplest gestures can make the biggest difference in how connected we feel to our partners.

Experts like Dr. Gary Chapman, author of "The 5 Love Languages," emphasize the importance of understanding how your partner receives love. Whether it's through physical touch, words of affirmation, or acts of service, knowing and practicing each other's love languages can bring back the warmth and connection that feels like it's missing.

Reigniting romance doesn't happen overnight, but by being intentional, you can start to rebuild the intimacy and desire in your marriage, step by step.

4. Reevaluate Your Expectations of Each Other

Over time, we sometimes hold onto unrealistic expectations of what our marriage should look like or how our partner should behave. These expectations might have developed from societal pressure, media portrayals of romance, or even your own hopes. However, when reality doesn't match these expectations, disappointment and frustration can build, leading to emotional distance.

It's important to pause and ask yourself if the expectations you're holding onto are fair and achievable. Are you expecting your husband to always be romantic or to understand your needs without you having to voice them? Are you comparing your relationship to an idealized version that doesn't reflect the complexities of real life? Reassessing these expectations doesn't mean settling for less—it means being more in tune with the realities of a long-term partnership.

By openly discussing your needs and desires, you can reset these expectations together. It's about building a realistic vision of your relationship based on mutual understanding and support. Remember, the goal isn't perfection, but connection.

5. Prioritize Self-Care and Self-Love

It's easy to get lost in the responsibilities of marriage, family, and work, but neglecting yourself is one of the quickest ways to feel disconnected in a relationship. When you're not taking care of your own needs—whether physical, emotional, or mental—it's hard to show up fully in your marriage. Self-care is not just about pampering; it's about recharging and feeling good about yourself.

Self-love plays a crucial role in how you relate to your husband. When you prioritize your well-being, you become more confident, present, and emotionally available. Taking care of your body, mind, and spirit allows you to bring your best self into the relationship. Plus, it sets a positive example for your partner and reminds him to take care of himself too.

As author Audre Lorde once said, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” By prioritizing your own needs, you ensure that you have the energy and emotional space to nurture your marriage. When you love yourself, it becomes easier to love and be loved in return.

Common Questions

Is it normal to feel turned off by your spouse?

Yes, it's completely normal to go through phases where you feel less attracted to your spouse. Relationships ebb and flow, and many couples experience periods of disconnection. These feelings don't mean your marriage is doomed—it's often a sign that something needs attention.

Why do I suddenly get turned off by my partner?

Sudden feelings of being turned off can happen due to stress, unresolved conflicts, or a shift in how you perceive your partner. Life changes, external pressures, and emotional distance all contribute to this sense of disconnection. It's important to explore the underlying causes and address them together.

Why do I dislike my partner?

Feeling dislike toward your partner can stem from unmet expectations, unhealed wounds, or built-up resentment. These feelings are often temporary, but if left unaddressed, they can lead to deeper issues. Open communication and seeking help can be key to understanding and resolving these feelings.

Can feelings of being turned off with your partner in a relationship be temporary?

Yes, feelings of disconnection or being turned off are often temporary, especially if they're rooted in external stressors or temporary life changes. By addressing the issues head-on, many couples find their way back to emotional and physical closeness.

How can we reestablish our emotional connection?

Reestablishing emotional connection takes time, but it starts with vulnerability and open communication. Spending quality time together, having honest conversations about your feelings, and seeking professional help if needed can help rebuild the emotional bond that's been lost.

Conclusion: Rebuilding Connection

Feeling turned off by your husband can be unsettling, but it's not the end of your relationship. With self-awareness, open communication, and a commitment to reigniting both emotional and physical intimacy, you can find your way back to each other. Relationships require effort, but the reward is a deeper, more meaningful connection that grows stronger over time.

Whether you take small steps like going on more dates or larger ones like seeking therapy, remember that this journey is about rediscovery. Rediscovering what made you fall in love in the first place, and discovering new ways to love each other now. Rebuilding that connection can not only reignite the spark, but also bring you closer than ever before.

Sign In