20 Ways to Turn On Your Wife (And Make Her Crave You)

Key Takeaways:

• Emotional connection is essential for intimacy
• Focus on her emotional needs first
• Surprise her with thoughtful gestures
• Explore fantasies and open communication
• Foreplay and emotional warmth are crucial

Why isn't my wife turned on? 5 possible reasons

Have you ever wondered why your wife seems uninterested in intimacy? It's not uncommon for couples to hit a rough patch in their love life, but the good news is, there are usually reasons behind it. If your wife isn't feeling turned on or in the mood, it doesn't mean the spark is gone forever. Let's dive into some key reasons this might be happening and how you can turn things around.

There's no emotional connection

Emotional connection is the heartbeat of desire. Without it, physical intimacy can feel like an obligation rather than a pleasurable experience. If you and your wife have drifted apart emotionally, she's likely struggling to get into the mood.

Think about the last time you two connected on a deep, emotional level. Was it weeks or even months ago? Life, stress, and responsibilities can easily get in the way, leaving you both feeling distant. To reignite the passion, start by nurturing that emotional bond.

Psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson, in her book Hold Me Tight, emphasizes that “emotional responsiveness is the key to secure bonding in love.” When you invest in your emotional relationship, the physical desire will naturally follow. It's about showing her that you see her, value her, and are still emotionally present in the relationship.

She doesn't feel beautiful or sexy

One of the biggest obstacles to intimacy is when your wife doesn't feel beautiful or sexy. Confidence plays a huge role in desire, and when she's struggling with her self-image, it can be tough for her to get in the mood. Maybe she's dealing with body changes after pregnancy, stress, or simply doesn't see herself the way she used to.

In these moments, your role is to remind her how stunning she is—not just with words, but with your actions. Compliment her genuinely, hold her close, and make her feel like she's the only woman in the world to you. A small gesture, like brushing her hair behind her ear, can be incredibly powerful in helping her feel cherished and desired.

Author Brené Brown, in The Gifts of Imperfection, says, “Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we'll ever do.” Encouraging your wife to embrace her beauty, both inside and out, can help her regain the confidence to open up emotionally and physically.

She struggles to get turned on

Some women face challenges when it comes to getting physically aroused. It doesn't mean she's not attracted to you or doesn't want to be intimate—it can be more complex than that. Hormonal imbalances, stress, or underlying health issues might be at play, affecting her ability to feel turned on.

If she's struggling, have an open and supportive conversation about it. Don't pressure her; instead, ask how you can help make her feel more comfortable and in control. Explore ways to enhance the experience with gentle touches, foreplay, or even using items that can stimulate her senses.

Remember, intimacy is a journey, not a destination. When you work together, you're not just addressing a problem, but growing closer as a couple. Understanding her needs and what she enjoys is key to helping her rediscover her sexual desire.

She's tired or emotionally drained

In today's world, burnout is real, and it can be a major factor in why your wife isn't feeling in the mood. When she's juggling work, family responsibilities, and everything in between, exhaustion—both physical and emotional—can set in. It's hard to feel sensual when you're barely keeping your eyes open.

Let's face it, when you're tired, even the thought of intimacy can feel overwhelming. Maybe she's running on empty, and what she really needs is rest and emotional support. This is where you can step in—not by pushing for intimacy but by offering her the space to recharge. Help her unwind with a quiet night in or offer to take care of tasks that usually weigh her down. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is give her the opportunity to relax.

“When we're overwhelmed and emotionally drained, intimacy becomes another demand on our energy,” explains sex therapist Emily Nagoski in her book Come As You Are. By showing her that you understand her exhaustion, you create a safe space for her to feel cared for, which can naturally help reignite her desire.

She's more focused on her responsibilities

Women often carry a mental load that goes unnoticed. From worrying about the kids to managing household chores, work deadlines, and even family commitments, she might have her mind elsewhere. When your wife is focused on a never-ending to-do list, intimacy might fall to the bottom of her priorities.

If she's caught up in her responsibilities, it's crucial to help lighten her load. Offer to share the tasks or take some of them off her plate. When she feels like you're partners, not just romantically but in day-to-day life, it can free up her mental space for more personal moments.

We have to remember that intimacy thrives in an environment where both partners feel balanced and supported. When you take the initiative to help her with daily burdens, you're not just being practical—you're also showing her that her well-being is a priority. And that can do wonders for her emotional and physical attraction toward you.

20 effective ways to get your wife in the mood

If you're wondering how to turn on your wife and bring back that spark, you're not alone. The truth is, every relationship has its ups and downs when it comes to intimacy. But the good news? There are many ways to rekindle the fire in your relationship. From simple gestures to playful ideas, you can help get your wife in the mood by showing her love, attention, and creativity.

Here are 20 tried-and-true methods to help you reconnect and ignite that passion:

1. Be a flirt

Flirting isn't just for the early stages of a relationship—it's an art that can keep your connection alive and full of excitement. When you flirt with your wife, you remind her of the fun, playful side of love that often gets lost in the day-to-day grind. Send her a cheeky text, give her that knowing look from across the room, or brush past her gently with a wink. These small, flirtatious gestures create a sense of anticipation and make her feel desired.

The best part? Flirting builds emotional and sexual tension in a way that feels natural and unforced. It's a reminder that you're still attracted to her, not just as a partner but as the amazing woman you first fell in love with. Keep the flirtation light, fun, and spontaneous, and you'll see how quickly it brings you both closer.

2. Surprise her with a sweet treat

Surprises don't have to be grand gestures. In fact, it's often the small, thoughtful acts that have the greatest impact. Something as simple as bringing home her favorite dessert, slipping a love note into her bag, or picking up that book she mentioned can make her day. These little moments show her that you're thinking about her even when you're not together, and that kind of attention goes a long way in making her feel valued and cherished.

Why is this effective? It's because these gestures communicate, “I see you, I know you, and I want to make you happy.” This emotional recognition can help her feel more connected and open to intimacy. A small surprise can break the monotony of daily life, reminding her that there's still plenty of romance in your relationship.

3. Send romantic and thoughtful messages

A romantic message, sent at just the right time, can brighten her day and make her feel incredibly special. Whether it's a simple “I'm thinking about you” or a more personal note that touches on your favorite memories together, these messages create a sense of closeness even when you're apart. They're not just words on a screen—they're a reminder that you care and that you're still deeply connected to her.

Don't wait for special occasions to send these messages. Make it a habit to drop her a sweet or thoughtful note when she least expects it. “Good morning, beautiful,” or “I can't wait to see you tonight,” might seem simple, but they have the power to shift her mood and make her feel appreciated and desired. These small gestures go a long way in making her feel loved and ready to reconnect on a deeper level.

4. Go on a spontaneous date

Routine can be one of the biggest mood-killers in a relationship. When life becomes predictable, the spark can start to fade. That's why spontaneous dates are such a powerful way to reignite the flame between you and your wife. Whether it's a last-minute decision to grab dinner at her favorite restaurant or a surprise weekend getaway, the key is to break the routine and add some excitement back into your lives.

Spontaneity shakes things up, reminding her of the carefree, adventurous moments you've shared in the past. It doesn't have to be elaborate—sometimes a simple walk in the park, a coffee run, or even a drive to watch the sunset can be all it takes to make her feel special and connected to you again.

Planning a spontaneous date shows her that you're still invested in keeping the relationship exciting, and it brings back the fun and romance that sometimes gets lost in the busyness of life. By doing this, you're not only creating new memories but also deepening your emotional bond, which naturally leads to a more intimate connection.

5. Kiss her like you mean it

It's easy to get into the habit of quick, casual kisses as you rush through the day, but a real, meaningful kiss has the power to reignite passion in your relationship. When was the last time you kissed her with full attention and intent? A kiss isn't just about a physical connection—it's a way of communicating desire, love, and intimacy without saying a word.

Slow down, take your time, and kiss her like you're savoring every moment. Hold her face gently, let the kiss linger, and make her feel like the center of your universe in that moment. A deep, passionate kiss can awaken emotions and remind her of the chemistry you share. As relationship expert John Gottman says, “Kissing is more than physical. It's a way to create an emotional bridge.” So, the next time you kiss her, make it count. Let her feel your love through the kiss and see how it shifts the mood.

6. Tease her playfully

Playfulness is often underrated in long-term relationships, but it's one of the most effective ways to keep things light and fun. Teasing your wife in a gentle, flirty way can bring back that spark of excitement and laughter that might have faded over time. Whether it's a cheeky comment, a playful poke, or a flirty challenge, teasing helps create a sense of anticipation and desire.

The key here is to keep the teasing fun and light-hearted. The goal is to make her laugh, smile, and feel like you're still that fun, spontaneous partner she fell in love with. Teasing can also build sexual tension in a way that feels natural and enjoyable. Maybe it's a comment about how great she looks in that dress, or a playful dare that leaves her giggling. Playful teasing keeps the energy alive and reminds her that intimacy isn't always serious—it can be fun and full of laughter, too.

By bringing this sense of playfulness into your interactions, you're showing her that being together is enjoyable and exciting. And when she feels that spark of fun with you, it often opens the door to deeper emotional and physical connection.

7. Open up and be emotionally vulnerable

Emotional vulnerability is often the missing piece when it comes to building deeper intimacy in relationships. While we may focus on the physical aspects of getting in the mood, the emotional connection between you and your wife plays a huge role in creating desire. When you open up, share your feelings, fears, and dreams, you're allowing her to see a side of you that's raw and real. This openness can bring you both closer, strengthening the emotional bond that makes physical intimacy more meaningful.

It's not always easy to be vulnerable, especially if you're used to putting up walls or keeping certain feelings to yourself. But when you take that step to share, you show her that you trust her and value her as your partner in every way. As author Brené Brown puts it, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.” This kind of emotional courage can reignite the sense of closeness that naturally leads to more passionate moments together.

8. Focus more on foreplay

Foreplay isn't just a warm-up—it's an essential part of building anticipation and connection. In fact, taking your time with foreplay can make the whole experience more pleasurable for both of you. It's about tuning in to her desires, paying attention to what she enjoys, and creating a slow buildup that deepens the physical and emotional connection.

Start with soft touches, gentle kisses, and whispered words of affection. Pay attention to her body language and how she responds to different touches. Sometimes, even the smallest gestures—a lingering hand on her back, a kiss on her neck—can send waves of excitement through her. The key is not to rush. By focusing on foreplay, you're showing her that her pleasure is just as important as your own, and that you're fully present in the moment with her.

Foreplay is a journey, not a race, and the more you invest in it, the more likely she'll be to feel deeply connected and turned on. Creating this atmosphere of desire and attention makes the whole experience richer and more fulfilling for both of you.

9. Be true partners in every aspect of life

Intimacy doesn't begin in the bedroom—it starts in the daily moments of life. When your wife feels like you're her true partner, not just in romance but in all the demands of life, it creates a foundation of trust and connection that can naturally lead to a more passionate relationship. Sharing responsibilities, whether it's taking care of the kids, helping around the house, or supporting her emotionally through stressful times, makes her feel valued and understood.

Being a true partner means you're in this together, sharing the ups and downs, the responsibilities, and the joys. It's about knowing that you have each other's backs no matter what. When she feels like she's not carrying the weight of life alone, it creates space for intimacy to flourish. You're not just a lover—you're her teammate in everything. And when that partnership is strong, it can transform your emotional and physical connection.

Dr. John Gottman, renowned relationship researcher, often says, “The quality of your friendship with your partner is one of the most important indicators of a successful relationship.” Building that friendship and partnership outside the bedroom is key to creating a deeper bond inside it.

10. Discuss fantasies and desires

Talking openly about fantasies and desires can bring a whole new level of excitement and connection to your relationship. These conversations aren't just about spicing things up—they're about building trust and understanding each other's deeper desires. When you can speak openly and without judgment, it creates a space where both of you feel safe to explore new sides of intimacy.

Fantasies don't have to be extravagant or dramatic—they can be simple moments you both want to create together. The point is to get comfortable talking about what excites you and what excites her. Maybe it's something you've never done before, or maybe it's a twist on something familiar. Either way, these conversations can bring a renewed sense of curiosity and passion into your relationship.

The important thing here is openness. Don't shy away from the conversation, and don't rush it either. When you take the time to understand each other's fantasies and desires, you build a new layer of intimacy that can lead to even deeper emotional and physical closeness.

11. Try introducing sex toys

If you've never tried introducing sex toys into your relationship, it can feel a little intimidating at first, but it can also open up a whole new world of pleasure and exploration. Sex toys aren't just for fun—they're tools that can help deepen the connection between you and your wife by enhancing her pleasure and adding variety to your intimate experiences. Whether it's something simple or more adventurous, toys can introduce new sensations and help both of you discover what you enjoy together.

The key is communication. Before diving in, have a conversation with your wife about what she might be curious about or open to trying. You don't want it to feel like pressure—this is about mutual exploration and adding fun to your intimate life. As relationship coach Esther Perel says, “Erotic intelligence is about creating space for curiosity and playfulness in a relationship.” Introducing toys can do just that—bring back the sense of curiosity and discovery that often fades in long-term relationships.

12. Consider buying sex furniture

Sex furniture might sound like an over-the-top idea, but it's a creative way to break out of the usual routine and explore new levels of intimacy. Whether it's a specially designed chair or pillow that enhances different positions, sex furniture can add variety and excitement to your physical connection.

It's not just about the novelty—it's about creating a space where you can both be more comfortable and adventurous. Sometimes, simply changing the physical environment of your intimate moments can spark new passion. It allows for deeper connection and a sense of play that might not be as easy to access in the usual setting.

If you're both open to trying it, investing in sex furniture can lead to new experiences and give you both something to look forward to. It's another way of prioritizing your intimacy and showing that you're willing to explore new ways to connect.

13. Role-play to explore new sides

Role-playing can be an exciting way to step out of your usual routines and discover new sides of each other. It's not about becoming someone else but about embracing different aspects of your personality in a playful, fun way. Whether it's reenacting a scene from a favorite movie, pretending to be strangers meeting for the first time, or exploring power dynamics, role-playing gives you a chance to dive into fantasy together.

The key to successful role-playing is communication and consent. Discuss what you're both comfortable with and what excites you. It can be as simple or elaborate as you like, but the goal is to have fun and step out of your usual dynamic. By stepping into a different role, you can unlock new ways of connecting and keep the spark alive.

Plus, role-playing can add an element of surprise to your relationship. You're not just sticking to what's familiar—you're creating a new, thrilling experience every time. This playful approach can reignite passion and help you both feel more adventurous together.

14. Be spontaneous and adventurous

Routine can be the silent killer of excitement in a relationship. That's why spontaneity is so important. When you break out of the regular schedule and surprise her with something unexpected—whether it's a last-minute weekend getaway, an impromptu romantic gesture, or simply initiating intimacy at a time she wouldn't expect—you bring back that feeling of excitement and unpredictability.

Being spontaneous doesn't have to be about big, elaborate plans. It can be as simple as cooking her favorite dinner after a long day or suggesting an adventurous activity you've never tried together. When you bring an element of surprise into your relationship, it reminds her of the fun and spontaneity you once shared, which can naturally lead to deeper emotional and physical closeness.

Adventurousness also shows her that you're still interested in exploring life together, and that kind of energy is infectious. When you're excited about new experiences, she'll feel more open and excited to join you, both in and out of the bedroom.

15. Stay fit and healthy together

Taking care of your body is directly tied to your emotional and physical connection in a relationship. Staying fit and healthy together not only boosts your individual well-being but also strengthens the bond between you and your wife. Exercising together, eating well, and making time for self-care are essential parts of maintaining a vibrant and energetic relationship.

When you're both feeling good physically, it's easier to feel more confident and attractive to one another. Plus, working out as a team can build a sense of partnership and create moments of fun, whether it's through a jog in the park, a yoga class, or even a shared cooking session that focuses on healthy meals. As you both prioritize your health, you'll find that it also improves your emotional connection, bringing more energy into your intimate moments.

Staying healthy together isn't about looking a certain way; it's about feeling your best, so you can both enjoy life and each other fully.

16. Understand and speak her love language

Everyone experiences love differently, and that's where love languages come in. Dr. Gary Chapman's popular concept of the 5 Love Languages—which includes words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch—helps us understand that we all have unique ways of feeling loved. To truly connect with your wife, it's crucial to understand her love language and speak it fluently.

If her love language is words of affirmation, she may crave verbal appreciation and compliments. If it's acts of service, she might feel most loved when you help her with tasks or do something thoughtful without being asked. The more you tailor your actions to her love language, the more she'll feel emotionally fulfilled, which often translates into a deeper desire for physical intimacy.

By paying attention to what makes her feel valued and cared for, you're not just meeting her emotional needs—you're creating a solid foundation of trust and love that will strengthen your bond in every aspect of your relationship.

17. Explore sex games

Sex games are a fun and creative way to bring playfulness and excitement back into your relationship. Whether you’re looking to break out of a routine or just want to try something new together, exploring sex games can help you reconnect on both an emotional and physical level. These games encourage laughter, discovery, and intimacy in a light-hearted environment, which can help reduce any pressure or awkwardness.

There are plenty of options out there, from card games with suggestive prompts to role-playing scenarios or even dice games with different activities to try. The goal is to create a relaxed atmosphere where you and your wife can laugh, tease each other, and rediscover the joy of intimacy. Sometimes, the act of playing itself is more important than the outcome—it’s about bonding, having fun, and exploring new sides of each other.

When you’re both open to trying new things and keeping intimacy playful, it can reignite passion and create new layers of connection. It’s not about taking things too seriously but about enjoying each other’s company in a way that’s fresh and exciting.

18. Give her a relaxing massage

A relaxing massage can do wonders for relieving stress and setting the mood for deeper intimacy. When you take the time to focus on her relaxation, you’re showing her that you care about her well-being, both physically and emotionally. A massage creates an intimate moment where touch becomes the main language of love, without the need for words.

Start slow, using gentle strokes on areas where she holds tension, like her shoulders, back, or neck. Create a calm environment—dim the lights, play soft music, and use scented oils to enhance the experience. The goal isn’t just to relax her body but to help her feel connected to you through the act of caring touch.

Massages can be a gateway to more physical intimacy, but they don’t always have to lead there. Sometimes, the simple act of helping her unwind is enough to rekindle feelings of closeness. When she feels relaxed and cared for, she’ll naturally be more open to deeper connection, both emotionally and physically.

19. Cuddle after intimacy

Cuddling after intimacy is one of the most underrated ways to build emotional closeness. It’s in these quiet, tender moments that you reinforce the connection you’ve just shared. After physical intimacy, your wife needs to feel safe, loved, and cherished. Cuddling provides that reassurance and deepens the bond between you two, far beyond the physical act itself.

When you take time to hold her, stroke her hair, or simply lie close together, it shows her that intimacy isn’t just about the physical—it’s about being there for each other in the most vulnerable moments. This act of physical closeness helps release oxytocin, often referred to as the “love hormone,” which promotes bonding and affection.

Don’t rush away after intimacy. Make cuddling a natural part of your routine. These moments of warmth and closeness can help keep the emotional connection strong, and they’ll remind her of the deeper bond you share.

20. Say “I love you” often

It might seem like a small thing, but saying “I love you” often has a powerful impact on your relationship. These three simple words carry a lot of weight, especially when said with meaning and sincerity. Over time, it’s easy to assume your wife knows you love her, but the truth is, she still needs to hear it. Regularly expressing your love verbally helps keep the emotional connection alive.

Whether it’s first thing in the morning, after a phone call, or right before bed, saying “I love you” reminds her that you value your relationship. It’s a daily affirmation of your commitment, and it reinforces that she’s loved and cherished. Never underestimate the power of words to reignite emotional intimacy and keep the relationship strong.

In moments of stress, conflict, or even routine, these words can bring you both back to what truly matters—your love for each other. Don’t let days go by without expressing it. “I love you” should be a regular part of your relationship vocabulary, and the more you say it, the more it will nurture your bond.

Recommended Resources

• Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson – A guide to building emotional connection in relationships.
• The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman – Learn how to express love in the way your partner understands best.
• Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski – A deeper look into understanding female desire and intimacy.