10 Secrets to Building an Unbreakable Marriage (You Won't Believe #5)

Key Takeaways:

• Communication is the foundation of success.
• Trust and respect are essential.
• Maintain independence and connection.
• Never stop dating each other.
• Forgiveness strengthens your bond.

What Does Marriage Success Look Like?

What exactly makes a marriage successful? It's a question we all ask, but the answer is deeply personal. For some, a successful marriage means growing old together in peace, for others, it's about building a thriving family. But regardless of how you define it, marriage success often boils down to the same core values: communication, trust, respect, and love. If any of these pillars crumble, even the strongest marriage can feel fragile. We need to build a relationship where both partners feel safe and understood.

Marriage isn't about perfection; it's about perseverance. And let's be honest—it takes hard work. As therapist John Gottman puts it, “Successful couples accept and respect their partner's differences, and they find ways to support each other despite them.” The idea here is simple: perfection isn't what keeps marriages together; acceptance does. We're not looking for a flawless union, we're seeking one where we feel valued, even during the struggles. The sooner we realize that marriage success is a journey, not a destination, the more we'll thrive.

Finding the Right Partner for a Happy Marriage

Here's the truth: finding the right partner is more than just falling in love. Sure, love is essential, but the “right” partner means someone who will stand by you when the going gets tough. It's about finding someone who shares your values, your goals, and your vision for the future. The person you marry should be your biggest supporter, someone who's willing to communicate openly, someone who encourages your growth and isn't afraid of their own flaws.

Choosing a life partner is not a decision we take lightly, and it's one that should be made with both heart and mind. Research from the renowned psychologist Dr. Helen Fisher shows that long-term romantic success stems from compatibility, mutual respect, and shared values. Ask yourself, does your partner align with the person you want to be, not just today, but in ten, twenty, even fifty years? If the answer is yes, you've found the right partner for marriage success.

Raising a Family with Strong Values

Building a family based on strong values isn't just about teaching right from wrong—it's about creating a legacy of love, respect, and responsibility. Children learn from us. They absorb how we treat each other, how we handle conflict, and how we express love. When we raise a family with these values at its core, we are not just shaping our children—we are strengthening the foundation of our marriage.

Think of raising a family like planting a tree. It takes time, patience, and constant nurturing. We may not see the fruits of our labor immediately, but over the years, as our children grow, we witness the values we've instilled in them blossom into the next generation. When we lead with love and integrity, we not only create a loving home for our children, but we also solidify our marriage. As family therapist Virginia Satir says, "A strong, positive self-image is the best possible preparation for success in life." And that starts within the family.

Why Communication Is the Backbone of Marriage

Ever tried building a relationship without communication? It's impossible. Communication is the oxygen of marriage—it breathes life into the connection we have with our partner. Without it, misunderstandings, resentment, and emotional distance quickly take root. In fact, many marriage counselors agree that most marital problems, at their core, stem from communication breakdowns. When we don't talk, we assume. And when we assume, we often assume the worst.

Healthy communication in marriage isn't just about talking—it's about listening, validating, and respecting each other's perspectives. It's important that we talk openly about our thoughts and feelings, even when the conversation is uncomfortable. In her book, Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson explains that “secure attachment is about being able to confide in your partner and know that your words will land in a safe space.” This trust, built through regular, honest communication, is what makes a marriage resilient in the face of challenges.

If we invest time in understanding each other's needs, expectations, and dreams, we build a deeper connection. And when we truly communicate, we turn toward our partner rather than away from them. It's a key to a happy, successful marriage.

Living as Best Friends with Your Spouse

Marriage is more than just a romantic relationship; it's a friendship. The strongest couples are often best friends who enjoy spending time together, laughing, and sharing life's ups and downs. Friendship in marriage isn't just about having fun—though that's important, too—it's about building a deep, mutual trust and respect. When we live as best friends with our spouse, we are creating a safe space where we can be vulnerable and open.

Think about the best friendships in your life. You probably don't hold back, you laugh at inside jokes, and you feel understood without needing to explain every little detail. That's the kind of bond we should aim for in marriage. As marriage expert Dr. John Gottman says, “Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.” When we cultivate this level of intimacy and playfulness, our marriage becomes a refuge, a place where we can be our truest selves without fear of judgment.

So, don't let the daily grind erode the fun and connection you once had. Go on adventures together, laugh at silly moments, and remember that, at the core, you're not just spouses—you're best friends for life.

The Importance of Unconditional Love and Understanding

Unconditional love isn't about loving your partner when everything is easy—it's about showing up even when things get tough. It means accepting each other's flaws and failures, offering forgiveness when mistakes are made, and providing unwavering support. It's not a love based on conditions like “I'll love you if…” but rather, “I love you, no matter what.”

Marriage tests us in ways we often don't expect, and in those moments, unconditional love is what holds us together. We need to see our partner as a whole person—someone with strengths and weaknesses, just like us. As therapist Carl Rogers said, “When I look at the world, I'm pessimistic, but when I look at people, I am optimistic.” This kind of optimism, this belief in our partner's goodness, even when they make mistakes, is the core of unconditional love.

Understanding plays an equally vital role. We must strive to understand our partner's needs, desires, and fears. Marriage isn't about being right—it's about being kind. And when we choose love and understanding over judgment, we create a marriage that can weather any storm.

Building a Foundation of Trust and Respect

Trust and respect are the bedrock of a successful marriage. Without these two pillars, even the strongest love will struggle to survive. Trust doesn't just happen overnight—it's something we build, moment by moment, through our actions, words, and choices. When we trust our partner, we feel safe, both emotionally and physically. We know that they have our best interests at heart, that they are loyal, and that they will stand by us no matter what.

But trust goes both ways. If we want our spouse to trust us, we have to be trustworthy. That means keeping our promises, being transparent about our feelings, and avoiding behaviors that could cause doubt or suspicion. Respect, on the other hand, is about honoring our partner's individuality. It's about valuing their opinions, appreciating their strengths, and acknowledging their boundaries.

We often think of respect as something that's earned, but in marriage, it's something that should be given freely. By showing respect, we tell our partner, “You matter to me.” And when trust and respect are deeply rooted in the relationship, we build a marriage that feels safe, loving, and secure. As Stephen Covey wisely said, “Trust is the glue of life. It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships.”

Creating Healthy Boundaries in Marriage

Healthy boundaries are essential in any relationship, especially in marriage. They help us maintain our individuality while still being part of a partnership. Boundaries aren't about shutting your partner out; they're about ensuring that both partners feel comfortable, respected, and valued. They create a sense of security because they define what's acceptable and what's not.

It's easy to lose ourselves in the idea of "we" when we get married, but boundaries remind us that it's okay to still have a “me.” Whether it's about emotional boundaries, such as how we handle conflict, or physical ones, like personal space, setting healthy limits is a sign of mutual respect. When boundaries are respected, both partners feel safe to express their thoughts and needs without fear of judgment or retaliation.

Dr. Henry Cloud, co-author of Boundaries in Marriage, explains that “a lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.” Boundaries help prevent resentment and misunderstandings. They allow both partners to feel heard and understood. By honoring each other's limits, we nurture a healthier, happier marriage.

How to Support Your Spouse Through Challenges

Marriage isn't just about the good times—it's about being there when life throws curveballs. Supporting your spouse through tough times is one of the most important ways to strengthen your bond. Whether they're facing a personal crisis, career setback, or a health issue, your role is to offer encouragement, patience, and unwavering love.

But support isn't a one-size-fits-all concept. Some days, your spouse might need practical help—taking on more responsibilities at home, for example. Other days, they may simply need someone to listen without judgment. The key is to ask, “How can I best support you right now?” and truly listen to their response. Understanding their emotional needs is critical during these times.

We don't always have the answers, and that's okay. Sometimes just being present, sitting with them in silence, or offering a reassuring touch is enough. As psychologist Dr. Brené Brown says, “Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued.” Your spouse needs to know that no matter what, you are their rock, their safe place to land.

10 Secrets to a Successful Marriage

Every marriage has its secrets to success—those little things that keep the relationship thriving even when life gets tough. These secrets aren't complex, but they require effort and intentionality. If you want your marriage to flourish, here are 10 key secrets you can apply:

1. Be Independent but Together: Don't lose your individuality—nurture your interests while supporting each other.
2. Listen to Each Other's Hearts: Active listening goes beyond hearing; it's about truly understanding your partner's feelings.
3. Embrace Disagreements (The Right Way): Disagreeing is normal. Handle conflicts with respect and an open mind.
4. Open Communication: A Must: Always talk about your feelings and issues rather than letting resentment build.
5. Forgiveness Is Key: Don't hold grudges—learn to forgive and move forward together.
6. Accept Each Other's Flaws: Perfection doesn't exist in relationships. Love your partner, flaws and all.
7. Take Responsibility for Mistakes: Own up to your mistakes and make amends quickly.
8. Never Take Your Partner for Granted: Show gratitude for your spouse and everything they bring to your life.
9. Date Night—Don't Let It Die: Keep the spark alive by continuing to date each other, even years into the marriage.
10. Keeping Intimacy and Romance Alive: Physical and emotional intimacy are vital—don't let them slip away.

By following these 10 secrets, you'll create a marriage built on trust, love, and a mutual desire for each other's happiness. These aren't just habits—they are the foundation for a lifelong, fulfilling partnership.

1. Be Independent but Together

One of the biggest misconceptions about marriage is that you have to do everything together. While it's crucial to build a life as a couple, maintaining your individuality is just as important. You need your own interests, hobbies, and friendships. When we lose ourselves in the relationship, we can start to feel stifled, and over time, resentment might build. Independence isn't about drifting apart—it's about growing as individuals so that we bring more to the relationship.

A successful marriage thrives when two independent people choose to build a life together. You both have your unique strengths, and those differences should be celebrated, not suppressed. When you maintain your own sense of self, you can continue to surprise and inspire your partner. As relationship expert Esther Perel says, “The best marriages are those in which partners grow individually yet together.”

So, whether it's pursuing a personal goal, nurturing a passion, or spending time with friends, be sure to make space for your independence. It will make you more fulfilled and bring a richer dynamic to your marriage.

2. Listen to Each Other's Hearts

Listening is about more than just hearing words—it's about truly understanding what your partner is trying to say, even when they don't say it directly. Emotional listening means tuning into the feelings behind the words, the subtle cues, and the unspoken concerns. When we actively listen to our partner, we make them feel seen, valued, and understood.

How often do we interrupt, jump to conclusions, or assume we know what our spouse is thinking? In those moments, we miss the chance to connect. Listening to your partner's heart requires patience and empathy. It means being fully present—putting down the phone, shutting out distractions, and focusing entirely on them. As communication expert Stephen Covey puts it, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” Let's shift that mindset in our marriage.

The more we listen without judgment, the more we create a space where our partner feels safe to open up. And when both partners feel heard and understood, the bond deepens and the relationship flourishes.

3. Embrace Disagreements (The Right Way)

No two people are exactly alike, which means disagreements are inevitable in any marriage. The key isn't to avoid conflict, but to handle it in a way that strengthens your relationship rather than damages it. How you approach disagreements can either bring you closer or drive a wedge between you. In healthy marriages, couples don't fight to win—they fight to understand each other better.

Instead of resorting to shouting, blaming, or shutting down, try to approach disagreements with curiosity. Ask yourself, “What is my partner really trying to communicate here?” Often, there's a deeper, softer emotion beneath the surface of the argument. By focusing on understanding rather than “winning,” you shift the conversation to one of growth. As relationship expert Dr. John Gottman emphasizes, “It's not whether you fight, but how you fight that determines the success of your relationship.”

Embrace the fact that disagreements are part of any partnership. When handled with care, they become opportunities to learn more about your spouse and to strengthen your connection.

4. Open Communication: A Must

Open communication is the lifeblood of any successful marriage. When we communicate honestly and transparently, we build trust and avoid misunderstandings that can fester into bigger issues. But open communication isn't just about talking; it's about creating an environment where both partners feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment or retaliation.

It's easy to fall into the trap of bottling up feelings, either out of fear of conflict or simply because life gets busy. However, not addressing issues when they arise can lead to resentment, emotional distance, and misunderstandings. Marriage counselor Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages, explains, “Healthy communication is the key to keeping love alive.” Regular check-ins, where you talk openly about your needs and concerns, can prevent little issues from becoming major problems.

So make time to talk—really talk. Share your dreams, your fears, and even the small, seemingly insignificant details of your day. The more openly you communicate, the stronger and healthier your marriage will be.

5. Forgiveness Is Key

No marriage is perfect, and mistakes are inevitable. Whether it's a small misunderstanding or a significant breach of trust, forgiveness is a crucial ingredient for a lasting relationship. Holding onto grudges only creates emotional distance, whereas forgiveness allows us to move forward together, stronger than before. The ability to forgive doesn't just heal your partner—it heals the marriage.

But forgiveness isn't about forgetting or pretending everything is okay when it's not. True forgiveness involves acknowledging the hurt, communicating about it, and making a conscious decision to release the resentment. It's an act of grace, and it's something we have to offer again and again in marriage. As Bishop Desmond Tutu said, “Without forgiveness, there's no future.” A marriage without forgiveness stagnates in the past, unable to grow.

Learning to forgive, even when it's hard, opens the door to deeper understanding and intimacy. It's one of the most powerful gifts we can give our partner—and ourselves.

6. Accept Each Other's Flaws

We all come into relationships with imperfections, quirks, and baggage. No one is perfect, and expecting perfection from your partner will only lead to disappointment. The secret to a happy marriage is accepting each other as we are, flaws and all. When we love our partner for who they truly are—not for an idealized version—we create a space where both people can thrive.

It's easy to focus on what we want to change in our spouse, but doing so only leads to frustration for both of you. Instead, embrace the uniqueness that your partner brings into the relationship. As Dr. Brené Brown beautifully puts it, “What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful.” This vulnerability—being imperfect yet still deeply loved—is what forms the basis of a strong, enduring connection.

When we let go of the need for perfection and embrace our partner's flaws, we create a marriage that feels more authentic, loving, and unbreakable. Acceptance isn't settling—it's choosing love, even when it's messy.

7. Take Responsibility for Mistakes

Owning up to our mistakes is one of the most important acts of humility in a marriage. We all mess up—whether it's forgetting an important date, saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment, or not being as present as we should be. The problem isn't that we make mistakes; it's how we respond afterward that defines the strength of our marriage.

Taking responsibility for mistakes means acknowledging our role in the conflict without making excuses or shifting blame. It's about saying, “I was wrong, and I'm sorry,” and meaning it. This vulnerability shows maturity and respect for your partner's feelings. It also paves the way for healing and resolution. As renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel says, “Responsibility in relationships isn't about guilt or blame; it's about awareness and choice.” By taking ownership of your actions, you demonstrate that you're committed to the relationship and to personal growth.

Don't let pride stand in the way of reconciliation. Taking responsibility for your mistakes builds trust and creates a more open, honest partnership.

8. Never Take Your Partner for Granted

One of the silent killers of marriages is complacency. Over time, it's easy to fall into routines and assume that your partner will always be there, doing the same things they've always done. But taking your partner for granted can lead to resentment and emotional distance. When we forget to appreciate the little things, we risk eroding the connection we've worked so hard to build.

Gratitude is a powerful antidote to taking your partner for granted. Expressing appreciation for the everyday acts of love and care—whether it's making coffee in the morning or being a listening ear after a long day—reminds your spouse that they're valued. As the old saying goes, “It's not happiness that brings us gratitude; it's gratitude that brings us happiness.” By actively noticing and acknowledging what your partner does, you'll nurture the bond between you.

Never assume that love is enough to sustain a marriage. Love needs to be shown and felt every day through gratitude and appreciation. Cherish your partner and let them know, often, how much they mean to you.

9. Date Night—Don't Let It Die

When we first fall in love, going out on dates is second nature. We plan romantic dinners, fun outings, and little surprises to show how much we care. But as the years pass and life gets busier, those special moments can start to fade. Don't let them. Date night is one of the simplest yet most powerful ways to reconnect with your spouse and keep the spark alive.

Setting aside time for each other, away from the demands of everyday life, sends a clear message: “You're still my priority.” It doesn't have to be elaborate—a quiet dinner at your favorite restaurant, a walk in the park, or even a movie night at home can do wonders for your connection. The key is making time to nurture your relationship, just as you would any other important aspect of your life.

Marriage expert Dr. John Gottman notes that “regular date nights improve communication, intimacy, and commitment in relationships.” Even when life gets hectic, don't skip date night. It's a simple investment that pays off in love, understanding, and renewed connection.

10. Keeping Intimacy and Romance Alive

Intimacy and romance aren't just the icing on the cake in a marriage—they're part of the foundation. But over time, as routines set in and the pressures of life take over, it's easy for intimacy to take a back seat. The result? A relationship that feels more like roommates than lovers. Don't let that happen. Keeping intimacy alive requires effort, but it's one of the most rewarding things you can do for your marriage.

Romance is about more than just physical connection. It's about maintaining emotional intimacy—sharing your thoughts, dreams, and vulnerabilities. It's about the small, meaningful gestures that make your partner feel loved and cherished. Physical affection, like holding hands or spontaneous hugs, can strengthen emotional bonds. And yes, maintaining a healthy sexual connection is important, too. It's a way of expressing love and desire in a deeply personal way.

Relationship therapist Dr. Laura Berman emphasizes, “Intimacy is the heartbeat of any relationship.” To keep it alive, you need to make it a priority. Surprise your spouse with thoughtful gestures, talk openly about your needs and desires, and make time for physical connection. Romance doesn't have to fade—it can evolve and deepen, making your marriage stronger with each passing year.

Conclusion: The Real Keys to a Lasting Marriage

At the end of the day, there's no magic formula for a perfect marriage. It's a continuous journey that requires patience, effort, and most importantly, love. The real keys to a lasting marriage aren't just about grand gestures or romantic getaways, but the day-to-day acts of kindness, respect, and communication. It's about understanding that your partner is human, just like you—flawed, yet deserving of love and acceptance.

We've talked about the importance of trust, communication, intimacy, and even having a regular date night, but the truth is that every marriage is unique. What works for one couple may not work for another, and that's okay. What matters is that you both remain committed to growing together, learning from each other, and supporting each other through every stage of life. As author Harville Hendrix once said, “Marriage is not something you get. It's something you do. It's the way you love your partner every day.”

So, whether you're newly married or decades into your relationship, never stop working on your marriage. Nurture it, protect it, and above all, cherish the love you've built together. A lasting marriage is not just a possibility; it's a choice you make every single day.

Recommended Resources

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver
• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
• The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman