10 Causes of Lost Romance in Marriage (And How to Fix It)

Key Takeaways:

• Romance is vital for connection
• Lack of romance impacts satisfaction
• Common causes include stress, routine
• Reigniting romance takes conscious effort
• Communication and appreciation matter

When romance fades in a marriage, it's rarely just a temporary phase. Often, it's a sign of deeper issues that may leave both partners feeling unfulfilled and emotionally distant. But how crucial is romance to a relationship's survival? And can couples truly thrive without it? In this article, we're diving deep into why romance matters, what happens when it's missing, and how to reignite that spark to bring warmth, intimacy, and joy back into your relationship.

Can You Be in a Relationship Without Romance?

Many people question whether a relationship can endure without romance, and the truth is, it's a complex issue. Relationships without romance may survive but often lack the deep emotional and physical connection that makes partnerships truly rewarding. Romance brings playfulness, passion, and the feeling of being cherished—qualities that contribute to a deeper bond between partners.

Without romance, a relationship can start to feel like a mere arrangement or routine, leading to feelings of dissatisfaction and disconnection. It can make daily interactions feel like tasks instead of moments to connect. As Dr. Sue Johnson, a clinical psychologist and author of Hold Me Tight, states, "Romance is not an extra in a relationship; it's the emotional glue that keeps partners close."

So, while it might be possible to stay in a relationship without romance, it often requires both partners to find other ways to maintain closeness and emotional intimacy. Yet, when romance is missing, partners frequently report feeling as if something essential is lacking. This isn't surprising, as humans naturally crave affection and the security it brings.

Is Romance Necessary for a Fulfilling Relationship?

Romance isn't just about flowers and candlelit dinners. It's a reflection of care, attention, and mutual admiration. Studies show that partners who maintain romantic gestures tend to report higher satisfaction in their relationships. Romance serves as a bridge to emotional intimacy, helping couples feel closer and more appreciated.

When we feel loved in a romantic way, our brain releases oxytocin—the “love hormone”—which strengthens trust and emotional bonding. This is why, as renowned marriage therapist Dr. John Gottman explains, “Moments of affection, however small, signal to your partner that they matter and are cherished.” Romance, in essence, is an investment in the relationship's emotional bank.

On the other hand, when romance fades, so does the sense of excitement and passion. A relationship without romance can feel like a partnership without joy, leading to the “roommate syndrome” where partners live together but don't share meaningful, intimate experiences. Romance isn't just beneficial; it's foundational for many couples striving for fulfillment and longevity in their relationship.

5 Emotional Consequences of No Romance in a Relationship

When romance is missing, the emotional consequences can be profound and hard to ignore. Couples may continue to live together, fulfill daily responsibilities, and manage life's many demands, but beneath the surface, there's an emotional void that begins to grow. In a romance-free relationship, you might feel as if the very heart of your connection is fading, leaving behind feelings of loneliness and frustration. This impact isn't trivial; it often disrupts the essential bond that made the relationship feel special in the first place.

Let's explore how the lack of romance can quietly but powerfully affect your emotional well-being in a relationship, sometimes without you even realizing it until the connection feels distant and strained.

1. Loss of Emotional Connection

One of the earliest and most significant effects of a romance-free relationship is the erosion of emotional connection. This type of connection goes beyond day-to-day interactions and responsibilities. Emotional connection brings warmth, safety, and an unspoken understanding that lets you feel truly seen and valued by your partner.

When romance is absent, couples often lose the little moments that allow them to reconnect emotionally—like spontaneous hugs, affectionate words, or small gestures of appreciation. This gap can widen over time, leaving both partners feeling emotionally unanchored. Dr. Sue Johnson explains, “Emotional connection is at the core of any strong relationship; without it, we feel alone, even if we're physically together.”

If you find yourself struggling to feel emotionally connected to your partner, it's worth considering whether romance has faded from your relationship. Taking intentional steps to rekindle it could make all the difference, restoring not only the romance but also the emotional bond that once made your relationship thrive.

2. Fading Physical Attraction

Physical attraction isn't just about appearance—it's about the way partners feel drawn to one another on an intimate, often instinctual level. Romance and physical attraction go hand in hand, feeding off each other to create a dynamic of desire and closeness. When romance dwindles, physical attraction can begin to fade too, making it harder to maintain the intimacy that once came so naturally.

In relationships lacking romance, partners often lose the excitement that comes from feeling attractive and desired. Little things like casual touches, prolonged eye contact, and playful gestures might start to disappear. Without these gestures, the chemistry may gradually fade, leaving partners feeling disconnected and less interested in physical intimacy.

When physical attraction fades, it's common for both partners to feel insecure or uncertain about their own desirability. This, in turn, can add an unspoken distance to the relationship, making it feel more like a routine partnership than a passionate connection. Rekindling romance can reawaken that spark, making both partners feel valued, attractive, and appreciated in each other's eyes.

3. Increased Tension and Arguments

The lack of romance in a relationship often brings a rise in tension, leading to frequent arguments over even minor issues. When partners don't feel loved and appreciated, they may become more sensitive and reactive to each other's behaviors. Over time, these small conflicts build up, creating an environment where tension becomes the norm rather than the exception.

Romance has a unique way of softening the edges of everyday life. It gives partners the reassurance that, despite disagreements or challenges, they are loved and valued. When that romance fades, however, misunderstandings tend to escalate, and small grievances can feel like major annoyances. According to Dr. John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, “Partners who feel emotionally disconnected tend to fall into cycles of criticism and defensiveness, which only widens the emotional gap.”

Without romantic gestures to remind you both of your commitment and affection, the relationship may begin to feel tense and hostile. Taking intentional steps to bring romance back can reduce these arguments, restoring a sense of harmony and understanding to your relationship. By focusing on affection and positive reinforcement, you can lower the defenses, allowing room for open and empathetic communication.

4. Decline in Relationship Satisfaction

When romance fades, relationship satisfaction is often one of the first things to take a hit. Satisfaction in a relationship comes from feeling fulfilled, appreciated, and connected with your partner. Romance plays a crucial role here because it's the expression of love and affection that keeps things fresh and exciting, reminding each partner of the special bond they share.

Without romance, partners may start to feel a sense of boredom or even indifference. The excitement that once energized the relationship fades, replaced by a monotonous routine that lacks passion and joy. Over time, this can lead to feelings of unfulfillment, where partners feel they are simply “going through the motions” instead of enjoying a true partnership.

According to a study published in The Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, couples who actively invest in romance report significantly higher satisfaction levels than those who do not. Small acts of romance, like surprise dates or heartfelt notes, don't just add charm—they build a foundation of satisfaction and joy. So, when these romantic gestures disappear, relationship satisfaction often follows, leaving both partners feeling unfulfilled.

5. Risk of Infidelity

One of the more serious consequences of a romance-deprived relationship is the increased risk of infidelity. When individuals feel unappreciated or disconnected from their partner, they may become more vulnerable to outside attention. Although not every relationship without romance will lead to infidelity, the lack of emotional and physical intimacy creates an environment where one or both partners might start seeking what's missing elsewhere.

In relationships with strong romantic bonds, partners feel deeply fulfilled, reducing the likelihood of seeking affection outside the relationship. Romance acts as a protective barrier, creating a connection that reminds each person of their commitment. But without this connection, the temptation to experience romance with someone new becomes stronger, especially if emotional needs are unmet.

As Dr. Shirley Glass, author of Not Just Friends, points out, “Affairs are not usually about sex; they are about feeling appreciated, desired, and special.” When romance is lacking, partners may seek those feelings from someone else, often without fully realizing the consequences until it's too late. Reintroducing romance into the relationship can significantly reduce this risk by restoring the emotional and physical intimacy that helps both partners feel cherished and fulfilled.

10 Causes for No Romance in Your Relationship

Romance doesn't simply vanish on its own; there are often underlying factors that contribute to its decline. From daily stressors to changes in communication, several forces can gradually erode the romantic connection in a relationship. Recognizing these causes can be a powerful first step toward addressing and reviving the spark you once shared.

While every couple faces unique challenges, there are some common reasons why romance fades. By understanding what these are, you and your partner can take intentional steps to prevent or reverse the drift that so often occurs in long-term relationships.

1. Communication Barriers

Effective communication is at the heart of every thriving relationship. It's how couples express their love, navigate conflict, and stay connected through life's ups and downs. But when communication starts to falter, misunderstandings and unresolved issues can create emotional distance, pushing romance out of the picture. When couples stop sharing their thoughts, feelings, or needs, it's easy to feel isolated—even if you're physically together.

Communication barriers often develop slowly and subtly. They might start as occasional misunderstandings or withheld feelings, but over time, they can snowball into a pattern of avoidance, resentment, and frustration. For example, if one partner feels neglected but doesn't voice their concerns, they may withdraw emotionally. This withdrawal is often met with confusion or hurt by the other partner, leading to further disconnection.

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, “Expressing love in ways our partner understands can help bridge communication gaps.” When communication barriers go unaddressed, they contribute significantly to a lack of romance. It becomes challenging to feel connected or valued without clear, open communication. Working together to improve communication can be one of the most effective ways to rekindle romance and bring warmth back into the relationship.

2. Daily Stress and Busy Routines

Life's demands can feel endless, and in the hustle to keep up with work, family, and personal obligations, romance often falls by the wayside. When stress becomes a constant presence in your relationship, it's easy to prioritize tasks over each other. Over time, the focus shifts from connection and intimacy to simply getting through the day, leaving little room for romantic gestures or quality time together.

Stress has a way of consuming mental and emotional energy. After a long day of work, managing household responsibilities, or caring for children, there's often little left to give to your partner. Unfortunately, this depletion can create a cycle where romance takes a backseat to everything else. As you both focus on surviving rather than thriving, the relationship can begin to feel transactional rather than fulfilling.

Research published in The Journal of Family Psychology suggests that stress directly impacts relationship satisfaction, often leading to lower intimacy and fewer positive interactions. When both partners are under constant pressure, it becomes crucial to carve out intentional time for romance, even in small ways. A quick text, a brief moment of affection, or a simple gesture of appreciation can remind you both that your relationship is more than just a partnership—it's a place for love and support.

3. Predictability in Day-to-Day Life

Routines can be comforting, but when life becomes too predictable, it can drain the excitement from a relationship. The thrill that once marked the beginning of your partnership may give way to a pattern that, while stable, lacks the spontaneity and passion of earlier days. Predictability often leads to boredom, where the excitement of being together is replaced by an unchanging routine.

When every day follows the same script—wake up, work, dinner, bed—it's hard to find room for romance. This sense of predictability can make a relationship feel stagnant, where both partners feel more like roommates than lovers. Romantic gestures and passionate moments often arise from spontaneity, and without them, it's easy to lose the emotional connection that once kept the relationship vibrant.

To combat the effects of predictability, try adding variety into your routine. Plan a surprise date, take an unplanned day trip, or simply do something out of the ordinary together. Relationship expert Esther Perel reminds us, “Passion thrives on mystery and surprise.” Shaking up your day-to-day life doesn't have to be extravagant; it just needs to be intentional. Bringing new energy into the relationship can reignite the spark, reminding you both why you fell in love in the first place.

4. Feeling Unappreciated

Feeling valued and appreciated is essential to sustaining romance in a relationship. When one or both partners feel overlooked or taken for granted, it creates a gap that can be difficult to bridge. Over time, a lack of appreciation can lead to resentment and disconnection, as partners begin to question whether their efforts or sacrifices are even noticed. This feeling of unappreciation directly undermines the foundation of romance, making it harder to stay emotionally connected.

Small gestures of gratitude and acknowledgment go a long way in reinforcing romance. Without them, couples may start to feel as though they're simply fulfilling roles rather than being cherished as unique individuals. When you feel unappreciated, it's common to stop putting in effort, creating a self-perpetuating cycle where romance and connection continue to deteriorate.

As Dr. Brené Brown, a research professor and author, emphasizes, “Acknowledgment and appreciation are what every human craves, especially in intimate relationships.” By expressing gratitude and showing appreciation for the little things, you can reignite a sense of romance and connection that reminds both partners why they're special to each other.

5. Negative Mindset Toward Partner

Our perception of our partner shapes how we respond to them, and over time, negative thoughts can turn into a fixed mindset. This happens when small frustrations or annoyances aren't addressed, and instead, they build up, creating an ongoing sense of dissatisfaction. When you view your partner through a negative lens, it becomes challenging to feel romantic or affectionate toward them. This mindset fosters emotional distance, blocking the path to rekindling romance.

For example, if you start interpreting your partner's actions as selfish or inconsiderate, even neutral behaviors can start to seem negative. Over time, these interpretations can lead to bitterness, where you become focused on what your partner isn't doing rather than appreciating their positive qualities. A negative mindset can be highly damaging, making it difficult to rebuild romance because it colors every interaction with frustration.

Shifting from a critical to a compassionate perspective is crucial in breaking free from this cycle. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman notes that “Positive interactions and affirming thoughts about your partner are essential to building a healthy, loving relationship.” Practicing gratitude and making an effort to see the best in your partner can dissolve resentment, allowing romance to flourish once again.

6. Lack of Physical Affection

Physical affection goes beyond intimacy; it's a powerful expression of love that helps partners feel connected on a deeper level. Simple gestures like holding hands, hugging, or even a quick kiss can reaffirm your love and bond, keeping romance alive. When physical affection fades, partners may begin to feel distant and unloved, as these small gestures of touch are essential in expressing care and comfort.

Without physical affection, it's easy for a relationship to start feeling cold or emotionally unfulfilling. Partners may start to feel neglected, even if both are committed to the relationship. The absence of affectionate touch creates an emotional void that can leave one or both partners feeling lonely or unappreciated. According to Dr. Kory Floyd, a leading researcher in interpersonal communication, “Touch plays a critical role in creating intimacy and satisfaction in romantic relationships.” By reintroducing small, intentional acts of physical affection, couples can rebuild the warmth and closeness that keeps romance thriving.

Remember, physical affection doesn't have to be elaborate to make a meaningful impact. Sometimes, a simple hand squeeze or an unexpected hug can help rekindle the emotional bond that enhances romance in your relationship.

7. Few or No Date Nights

One of the most common reasons romance fades is the lack of dedicated time for each other. In the early stages of a relationship, couples often prioritize date nights to nurture their bond. But as life progresses, it's easy to let these moments slip away, replaced by routines, work, and family obligations. Without regular date nights, couples lose the opportunity to connect on a personal level, away from daily responsibilities.

Date nights provide a valuable space for couples to reconnect, have meaningful conversations, and enjoy each other's company without distractions. When couples stop prioritizing these moments, the relationship can start to feel stagnant, as there's no time set aside to create new, positive memories together. A survey by the National Marriage Project revealed that couples who go on regular date nights report higher satisfaction and a stronger emotional connection.

Reintroducing date nights, even simple ones at home, can bring back a sense of excitement and intention to the relationship. This quality time allows both partners to feel appreciated and valued, helping rekindle the romantic spark that may have dimmed over time. Whether it's a dinner out or a cozy movie night in, prioritizing date nights is an investment in your relationship's long-term happiness.

8. Unresolved Grudges and Resentments

Resentment is a powerful emotion that can create a lasting divide between partners. When grudges and unresolved issues are allowed to linger, they create emotional walls that make it difficult to feel romantic or affectionate. Resentment usually builds up over time from unmet needs, unspoken frustrations, or recurring misunderstandings, and when left unchecked, it can turn small issues into deep-seated feelings of hurt and anger.

These unresolved grudges can impact everything from communication to intimacy, making the relationship feel tense and strained. When one or both partners hold onto resentment, the romance naturally fades, as it's challenging to feel loving and close to someone when you're holding onto past pain. As Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger, explains, “Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves, freeing us to move forward.” Addressing and letting go of grudges through open and honest conversations can help remove the barriers that resentment creates, paving the way for romance to flourish once again.

Healing these rifts requires vulnerability and a willingness to listen. By acknowledging past hurts and working together to resolve them, you can restore the trust and intimacy that's essential for a thriving romantic relationship.

9. Different Interests or Hobbies

Having different interests and hobbies is natural and even healthy for partners. It allows each person to maintain their individuality and gives them something unique to bring into the relationship. However, when these differences become too pronounced or partners don't make an effort to share each other's interests, it can create a feeling of separateness that weakens the romantic connection.

When couples don't have shared activities or interests, they might struggle to find time to bond or create new memories together. This separation can lead to feelings of isolation, where each partner feels as though they're living parallel lives rather than a shared journey. Over time, this distance can erode the sense of closeness that once brought you together, making the relationship feel less fulfilling.

While it's essential to pursue personal passions, finding a few shared activities can strengthen your bond. Whether it's a weekly cooking night, a shared workout routine, or discovering a new hobby together, creating shared experiences helps rekindle the romance by fostering closeness and collaboration. As relationship coach Tony Robbins suggests, “The secret to a fulfilling relationship lies in cultivating both shared interests and mutual respect for individual passions.” Making time for both can keep your connection vibrant and enduring.

10. Lack of Effort in the Relationship

Every relationship requires effort to thrive, but over time, it's easy to let the small things slide. When partners stop putting in the effort to connect, communicate, or show appreciation, the relationship can start to feel stagnant and unfulfilling. Romance doesn't sustain itself—it's something that both partners actively create and maintain through small, thoughtful gestures and ongoing commitment.

Lack of effort might show up as skipped date nights, fewer words of appreciation, or less time spent enjoying each other's company. Often, partners assume that love is enough to keep the relationship strong, but without intentional actions, the bond can begin to fade. Dr. Terri Orbuch, known as “The Love Doctor,” highlights the importance of “rituals of connection,” small but meaningful efforts that remind each other of their love.

Rekindling romance requires commitment from both partners. Even small gestures, like a surprise text or a thoughtful note, can make a significant difference. When you both invest time and energy into nurturing the relationship, it creates a foundation for romance to flourish, bringing a renewed sense of joy and closeness.

Ways to Reignite Romance and Deepen Your Connection

Reigniting romance in a relationship isn't about grand gestures; it's about consistent, meaningful actions that remind each partner of their value and love. Bringing back the romance takes intention and creativity, but the rewards are well worth the effort. Start by identifying small ways you can show affection, appreciation, and genuine interest in each other's lives.

First, focus on open communication. Take time to talk about your feelings and needs, and listen actively to your partner's perspective. Honest, vulnerable conversations foster emotional intimacy, making it easier to reconnect. Consider revisiting early memories or places that were meaningful at the start of your relationship. These shared experiences can bring back the excitement and nostalgia that rekindle romantic feelings.

Planning regular date nights is another powerful way to keep romance alive. Date nights don't have to be elaborate; it's about carving out dedicated time to focus on each other. Doing activities you both enjoy or trying something new together helps keep things exciting and brings a sense of adventure back into the relationship. Even a simple walk, game night, or cooking a meal together can reignite connection and remind you why you fell in love.

Finally, practice gratitude and appreciation regularly. Let your partner know what you love and admire about them. Small acts of kindness and gratitude reinforce your bond, creating a positive cycle that deepens intimacy. As Esther Perel, a renowned relationship therapist, notes, “Romance is sustained by the imagination, the intention, and the attention we give to each other.” With consistent effort and mindfulness, romance can thrive, bringing renewed joy and connection into your relationship.

Frequently Asked Questions

What causes a lack of feelings in a relationship?

Many factors can lead to a decline in feelings within a relationship. Often, a lack of emotional or physical intimacy, poor communication, and unresolved conflicts contribute to these changes. Over time, daily stressors, unresolved grudges, or personal challenges can create a sense of distance between partners. When these issues aren't addressed, emotional disconnection can set in, making it difficult to feel the same affection or attraction as before.

Sometimes, a lack of feelings can also stem from personal factors, such as mental health struggles, low self-esteem, or unresolved past traumas. These individual challenges can impact how partners relate to one another, making it harder to experience closeness. If you're noticing a decline in your feelings, take time to reflect on the underlying issues and, if possible, discuss them openly with your partner or consider seeking support from a counselor. This can help identify any contributing factors and allow you to work together toward rekindling your bond.

What to do if your partner is not romantic?

If your partner isn't naturally romantic, it doesn't mean romance is off the table. Many people express love and care in ways that differ from traditional romantic gestures. Start by understanding how your partner shows affection—perhaps they're more practical in their expressions or show love through acts of service rather than through outward displays of romance. Knowing each other's love languages can be incredibly helpful here.

If you still crave more romance, approach the subject gently. Share how these gestures make you feel appreciated and loved, and try to encourage small, achievable actions that they might be comfortable with. Be specific about what you enjoy—a simple date night, a handwritten note, or even a brief moment of affection. Sometimes, partners aren't aware of the impact these actions have, and an open, non-judgmental conversation can be the nudge they need.

Additionally, be patient and willing to meet halfway. Even if they don't embrace romance as naturally as you do, their efforts—no matter how small—are a sign of commitment. Over time, you may both find a balance that brings mutual satisfaction, ensuring each partner feels valued and loved.

Recommended Resources

• Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson
• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman
• The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
• The Dance of Anger by Dr. Harriet Lerner
• Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass