17 Shocking Reasons Men Cheat (And What to Do)

Key Takeaways:

Cheating isn't about just one thing
Emotional disconnection plays a role
Men cheat for selfish reasons
Lack of maturity leads to infidelity
Some men feel unappreciated

Do all men cheat?

Let's be clear right from the start—no, not all men cheat. The idea that cheating is somehow "natural" or "inevitable" for men is a harmful myth. While some men may stray, it's not a reflection of all men, and it definitely doesn't mean that cheating is unavoidable in relationships.

There's a psychological phenomenon called "confirmation bias," where we notice behaviors that confirm our pre-existing beliefs. So, if we already think that men cheat, we might overlook the many examples of faithful, committed men.

Most men don't cheat. What matters is understanding why some men do, and how we can address the factors that lead to this painful choice.

Why do some men cheat?

The reasons men cheat are complex. Sometimes it's about insecurity. Other times, it stems from a need to feel powerful, desired, or even just alive. When a man feels emotionally disconnected from his partner, he may seek validation elsewhere, and cheating can feel like a quick, though destructive, fix.

But there's more to it than that. According to psychologist Dr. Robert Weiss, infidelity can also come from unresolved emotional baggage, childhood trauma, or even fear of commitment. Cheating becomes a way to cope with those internal struggles—an escape, though an unhealthy one. This doesn't excuse the behavior, but it does help us understand why some men find themselves caught in this cycle.

In the book “The State of Affairs,” relationship expert Esther Perel argues that cheating can sometimes be an attempt to reconnect with a lost part of themselves, rather than simply a betrayal of their partner. The need to explore or break free from monotony often drives men to step outside the relationship, even when they still love their partner. But here's the thing—understanding this doesn't mean we should accept it. Cheating is always a choice, and it's never the right one.

Why is it important to understand why men cheat?

If we don't understand the reasons behind cheating, it becomes much harder to address the issue and heal. Without clarity, the betrayal festers, leading to even deeper wounds and trust issues that can last for years. Understanding the "why" doesn't excuse the behavior, but it gives us a path forward. It allows us to recognize patterns, prevent future infidelities, and ultimately decide how to handle the situation with more confidence and clarity.

According to Esther Perel, author of The State of Affairs, "Affairs are about reinvention and reintegration." By understanding why men cheat, we can uncover deeper relationship dynamics or personal struggles that led to the decision. This insight is essential in helping both partners heal, whether they stay together or part ways.

When we grasp why it happened, we also see that cheating isn't a simple act of betrayal; it's often a symptom of underlying issues that need to be addressed. Whether it's emotional disconnection, personal dissatisfaction, or unmet needs, getting to the root cause is key in rebuilding trust or moving on.

17 possible reasons for men cheating

There's no single reason why men cheat, and it can't be pinned down to just one factor. Instead, there are multiple possible reasons, each reflecting different dynamics in a relationship and in a man's inner world. Here are 17 possible reasons men cheat:

Men cheat due to a lack of maturity.
Men cheat when they are made to feel inadequate.
Men cheat when they desire pleasure but feel ashamed.
Men sometimes have an intimacy disorder.
Men cheat because they choose to.
Men cheat due to selfishness.
Men cheat when they feel unappreciated.
Men seek love and attention.
Men cheat to boost their egos.
Men become disillusioned with their marriage.
Men cheat due to sexual addiction.
Men crave adventure.
Men cheat for a variety of reasons.
Men cheat because of deeper issues in their hearts.
Men cheat to avoid conflict or due to cultural values.
Men cheat when their partner is emotionally unavailable.
Men cheat when there's a lack of intimacy.

These reasons don't exist in isolation; often, they're interconnected. Cheating is never simple, and while understanding these reasons can help provide context, it doesn't make it any less painful.

1. Men cheat due to a lack of maturity

Maturity plays a massive role in staying faithful. Some men cheat simply because they haven't developed the emotional or relational maturity to handle the ups and downs of a committed relationship. When challenges arise, instead of communicating or resolving issues, an immature response might be to look for an escape or distraction, which can lead to infidelity.

Immature individuals often struggle with delayed gratification. They seek immediate pleasure or validation without considering the long-term consequences. This impulsiveness often leads to poor decision-making, including cheating. Being mature in a relationship means being able to handle discomfort, work through tough times, and resist the temptation to take the easy way out.

Maturity is also about empathy. An emotionally immature man might not fully grasp the hurt his actions will cause or even believe his needs matter more than his partner's feelings. It's a self-centered way of thinking, driven by the inability to consider another person's perspective or emotional pain.

2. Men cheat when they are made to feel inadequate

Feeling inadequate is a powerful driver of cheating. When a man feels he's not "enough"—whether that's physically, emotionally, or financially—it can create deep insecurity. To mask or cope with that feeling, he may look for external validation from another person, often through cheating.

In the book Hold Me Tight, psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson explains that feelings of inadequacy in relationships can trigger what she calls "attachment panic," where an individual feels unworthy of their partner's love. Cheating then becomes a way to feel desirable or capable again, even though it's an unhealthy and destructive way of seeking that reassurance.

Unfortunately, instead of addressing those insecurities within the relationship—by having honest conversations about emotional needs or getting professional help—some men seek temporary fixes through an affair. The affair isn't about love or connection; it's about soothing a wounded ego. But It only deepens the emotional wound, hurting both the cheater and the partner.

3. Men cheat when they desire pleasure but feel ashamed

Sometimes, men cheat because they have conflicting desires. They crave physical pleasure or excitement, but at the same time, they feel ashamed of those desires. Society often sends mixed messages about sexuality—encouraging men to pursue pleasure while simultaneously shaming them for certain fantasies or urges. This internal conflict can push a man toward infidelity.

The shame comes from feeling that their desires are somehow wrong, taboo, or outside the bounds of what their partner would accept. Rather than expressing these feelings openly, they suppress them until they can no longer control the urge. Unfortunately, instead of discussing these desires with their partner in a healthy way, some men find outlets in secret affairs, where they feel they can explore without judgment.

In some cases, this shame comes from deep-rooted guilt tied to early experiences or societal pressures around sexuality. According to therapist Alexandra Katehakis, in her book Erotic Intelligence, “Shame and secrecy around sexual desires can drive unhealthy behaviors, including cheating.” The solution lies in open communication, but men who struggle with shame may avoid that conversation entirely, leading to destructive choices.

4. Men sometimes have an intimacy disorder

Men with intimacy disorders may find it difficult to form deep, emotionally connected relationships. For these individuals, the vulnerability required to build real intimacy can feel overwhelming. They may avoid it by sabotaging their own relationships, often through cheating.

An intimacy disorder isn't just about physical closeness—it's about emotional availability. Some men feel emotionally disconnected from themselves or others, and this lack of connection makes it hard to maintain healthy, long-term relationships. They might use infidelity as a way to keep emotional distance, ensuring they never get too close or too vulnerable.

Often, these men will confuse sexual attraction or conquests with intimacy, thinking they can find what they lack through physical encounters. However, they remain emotionally unavailable, continuing to sabotage their relationships. As psychotherapist John Amodeo notes in his book Love & Betrayal, "True intimacy requires vulnerability, and many men fear the emotional exposure this brings.” Cheating, for them, becomes a defense mechanism, an escape from the fear of truly opening up.

5. Men cheat because they choose to

Let's face it—sometimes, men cheat simply because they make the choice to do so. It's not always about emotional baggage or a complicated psychological issue. In many cases, infidelity is a conscious decision made by someone who prioritizes their own desires over the well-being of their partner.

This may seem blunt, but it's an important truth. Cheating isn't always about being "lost" or "confused." It can be a calculated move. A man may know exactly what he's risking, yet still, decide to act on his impulses. In this scenario, the cheater understands the potential consequences but values immediate gratification more than the damage he'll cause.

As harsh as this might sound, acknowledging that some men cheat simply because they choose to helps take away the mystery. It shows that cheating is often a choice made in selfishness, rather than a "mistake" or something out of the man's control.

6. Men cheat due to selfishness

Selfishness is at the core of many affairs. When a man cheats, he is prioritizing his own needs, desires, and emotions over the commitment he made to his partner. Whether it's for physical pleasure, emotional validation, or simply the thrill of something new, the cheater's focus is on satisfying himself without regard for the pain it will cause.

Often, this selfishness manifests as a sense of entitlement. Some men believe they "deserve" more attention, more excitement, or more sex than their current relationship provides. They convince themselves that their needs should come first, even if it means breaking their partner's trust. This sense of entitlement leads to a disregard for the feelings of others, fueling the decision to cheat.

In his book The All-or-Nothing Marriage, psychologist Eli Finkel explains that selfishness in relationships often stems from unrealistic expectations. Some men want their partner to meet every single need and desire, and when that doesn't happen, they seek fulfillment elsewhere. Instead of working through these issues within the relationship, they choose the path of least resistance—self-gratification at their partner's expense.

7. Men cheat when they feel unappreciated

Feeling unappreciated can be a powerful motivator for cheating. When a man feels like his efforts, contributions, or emotional presence are going unnoticed or unvalued, he may look for validation elsewhere. It's not that the relationship itself is necessarily lacking—it's the perception of being taken for granted that drives some men to stray.

The issue of appreciation often stems from a breakdown in communication. A man may feel that no matter what he does, it's never enough. Over time, this feeling can build resentment, and he may seek out someone who makes him feel wanted or admired. The attention he receives from someone new becomes intoxicating, feeding his need to feel appreciated again.

According to author Gary Chapman, who wrote The 5 Love Languages, feeling valued is essential for maintaining a healthy relationship. When a man doesn't feel appreciated, it can lead to emotional disconnection, and infidelity becomes a way to restore a sense of worth. But at its core, this is a temporary fix for a deeper problem—one that could often be resolved with open, honest communication.

8. Men seek love and attention

Everyone craves love and attention, but when those needs go unmet in a relationship, some men may cheat to fill the void. It's not always about sex—sometimes, it's about emotional connection. When a man feels emotionally neglected or starved for affection, he may look for someone who gives him the attention he feels he's missing.

In some cases, this need for love and attention is rooted in past experiences, like childhood neglect or abandonment issues. A man may feel deeply insecure about his worth, and cheating becomes a way to reassure himself that he is still desirable and lovable. However, this false sense of connection is fleeting, and ultimately, it creates more damage than fulfillment.

Relationships require effort from both partners. When emotional needs aren't being met, it's essential to communicate those needs rather than seek out an affair. As author and marriage therapist Harville Hendrix points out in Getting the Love You Want, “Intimacy comes from emotional attunement, not just physical closeness.” Cheating for love or attention is a shortcut that only deepens the emotional divide.

9. Men cheat to boost their egos

Ego can be a fragile thing, and for some men, infidelity becomes a way to feel better about themselves. Cheating can provide a temporary boost to their self-esteem, making them feel more desirable, attractive, or powerful. When a man's ego is tied to external validation—whether it's through his career, social standing, or physical appearance—cheating may feel like an easy way to reaffirm his worth.

The attention and admiration from someone new can be intoxicating, especially if a man is feeling insecure or inadequate in his life. Rather than addressing these insecurities in a healthy way, such as through self-reflection or open dialogue with his partner, he may seek an ego boost through an affair. It's a quick fix that rarely resolves the deeper issues of self-worth but can become addictive.

Author and relationship expert M. Gary Neuman explains in his book The Truth About Cheating that men who cheat for ego reasons often feel disconnected from their partner's admiration. When they no longer feel celebrated or appreciated at home, they turn to someone who offers that boost to their ego. But this kind of validation is fleeting and often leads to even greater emotional emptiness.

10. Men become disillusioned with their marriage

Over time, some men become disillusioned with their marriage. The relationship may not look or feel like it once did, and they begin to question whether they made the right choice in committing to their partner. This disillusionment can lead to infidelity as a way to escape or regain what they feel has been lost.

When expectations clash with reality—especially after years of being together—men may start to romanticize what life would be like outside of the marriage. They might long for the passion, excitement, or freedom they once had before settling down. This dissatisfaction can make cheating seem like an answer to the boredom or disillusionment they're feeling, even if it's a misguided one.

In his book His Needs, Her Needs, Dr. Willard Harley argues that disillusionment often occurs when the emotional needs of both partners aren't being met. Instead of working to reignite the connection in their marriage, some men choose to look for that connection elsewhere. The irony is that most affairs don't offer true fulfillment—only temporary distraction from the real problems that need addressing within the marriage.

11. Men cheat due to sexual addiction

Sexual addiction is a serious issue that can lead to repeated infidelity. Men struggling with this disorder are not simply seeking pleasure—they are driven by compulsions they can't control. This addiction to sexual experiences can overpower their commitment to a partner, causing them to cheat even when they don't want to.

Sexual addiction isn't about love or connection; it's about escaping emotional pain or seeking a high that feels necessary to cope. According to Dr. Patrick Carnes, a leading expert on sexual addiction, men who suffer from this disorder often feel trapped in a cycle of shame, guilt, and secrecy. They may cheat to satisfy these urges, but the satisfaction is always short-lived, and the consequences are devastating for both partners.

Therapy and treatment programs are essential for addressing sexual addiction. Without professional help, it's nearly impossible for someone to break free from the patterns of compulsive behavior that lead to infidelity. For men with this addiction, cheating isn't a choice in the traditional sense—it's a symptom of a deeper, unresolved issue that requires healing.

12. Men crave adventure

Some men cheat because they crave adventure and excitement. For them, infidelity isn't just about sex—it's about the thrill of doing something forbidden. They may feel stuck in a routine, both in life and in their relationship, and cheating becomes a way to inject adrenaline and excitement back into their lives.

The desire for adventure can stem from a midlife crisis, boredom, or even a need to escape the pressures of everyday responsibilities. In these cases, the affair is often more about the experience than the person they're cheating with. The secrecy, the danger, and the newness all fuel a sense of excitement that they feel is missing from their marriage.

Esther Perel, in her book The State of Affairs, explores how the thrill of the forbidden can draw men into infidelity. “Affairs are as much about novelty and the lure of the unknown as they are about sex,” she writes. For some, the risk of getting caught only heightens the excitement, making cheating feel like an adventure, even though it's one that ultimately leads to pain and destruction.

13. Men cheat for a variety of reasons

The reasons why men cheat are rarely singular. It's often a combination of factors—emotional, psychological, and circumstantial. Some men cheat because they're unhappy in their relationship, while others are dealing with personal issues that have little to do with their partner. The complexity of human relationships means that infidelity can't always be pinned to just one cause.

A man may feel unappreciated, bored, or disconnected, but he might also be struggling with insecurities, societal pressures, or unresolved trauma. When several of these factors converge, infidelity can seem like a way to cope or escape, even though it only creates more problems. Understanding this mix of reasons helps to shed light on the fact that cheating is a multifaceted issue, not just a single lapse in judgment.

Psychologist Dr. Frank Pittman once said, “Most people cheat because they're looking for something outside themselves, something they feel they're lacking internally.” Whether it's attention, excitement, or emotional connection, the reasons men cheat are often tangled up in deeper issues that need to be addressed if the cycle of infidelity is to be broken.

14. Men cheat because of deeper issues in their hearts

Some men cheat because of unresolved emotional pain or deeper issues in their hearts that have been buried for years. These may stem from childhood wounds, past relationships, or even their own fears about love and commitment. Infidelity becomes a way to numb the pain or distract from inner turmoil.

In many cases, these deeper issues are tied to self-worth. Men who don't feel good about themselves, or who harbor deep feelings of shame, often use cheating as a way to temporarily feel better. It's a dysfunctional coping mechanism, one that brings short-term relief but long-term destruction.

According to clinical psychologist Dr. Judith Sills, “Infidelity can be a way of expressing unmet needs that a man may not even realize he has.” Cheating in this context is not just a betrayal of the partner but a reflection of a deeper conflict within the man himself. Until those deeper issues are confronted, the cycle of infidelity may continue.

15. Men cheat to avoid conflict or cultural values

Some men cheat as a way to avoid conflict or to navigate cultural values that put pressure on them. In certain cases, cheating becomes a path of least resistance—an escape from the difficult conversations they're unwilling or unable to have with their partner. Rather than confronting issues like dissatisfaction or unmet needs directly, they look for solace outside the relationship.

In some cultures or family dynamics, men may feel immense pressure to fulfill certain roles, such as being the perfect husband or provider. When they fall short of these expectations or feel trapped by them, infidelity may feel like a release, even if it's a destructive one. Cheating in these cases isn't necessarily about dissatisfaction with the partner, but rather about running away from personal or societal pressures.

Avoiding conflict rarely solves anything. In fact, it usually leads to greater damage, especially when infidelity is involved. Instead of addressing the real problems, cheating only adds layers of betrayal and hurt, making it even harder to resolve the original issues.

16. Men cheat when their partner is emotionally unavailable

Emotional availability is crucial in any relationship. When a man feels like his partner is emotionally distant or unavailable, he may start seeking emotional connection elsewhere. It's not always about physical intimacy—sometimes, it's the emotional void that drives a man toward an affair.

Emotional unavailability can happen for a variety of reasons—stress, life changes, or personal issues within the relationship. When one partner withdraws emotionally, the other may feel isolated, lonely, or even rejected. In this state, a man may turn to someone who provides the warmth and emotional connection he's missing at home.

However, cheating to fill an emotional void is never a healthy solution. As therapist Esther Perel explains, “An affair can feel like a remedy for the loneliness, but it's ultimately a betrayal that deepens the disconnection.” Instead of seeking validation or connection elsewhere, the healthier approach is to address the emotional gap within the relationship through honest communication and effort on both sides.

17. Men cheat when there's a lack of intimacy

Intimacy isn't just about sex; it's about feeling close, connected, and understood by your partner. When there's a lack of intimacy in a relationship—whether emotional, physical, or both—some men might start to feel disconnected. This lack of closeness can make them more vulnerable to infidelity as they seek out what's missing elsewhere.

In some cases, the relationship may feel more like a roommate arrangement than a partnership. The day-to-day grind of life can cause couples to drift apart, leaving both partners feeling unfulfilled. When this happens, men may look outside the relationship to rekindle a sense of excitement and intimacy that's been lost at home. But while infidelity may temporarily fill that void, it doesn't solve the underlying issue.

Dr. Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, explains that intimacy is the foundation of any strong relationship. When intimacy fades, so does the sense of connection and security, creating a breeding ground for cheating. Instead of straying, couples need to invest in rebuilding intimacy and trust together.

Common myths about why men cheat

There are many misconceptions about why men cheat, and these myths can make it harder to understand the real reasons behind infidelity. One common myth is that men cheat purely for physical reasons, like sex. While physical attraction can play a role, many affairs are driven by emotional factors, such as loneliness, boredom, or feeling unappreciated.

Another myth is that men cheat because they don't love their partner anymore. In reality, some men still care deeply about their partner but cheat because they're struggling with personal issues or unmet needs within the relationship. It's possible to love someone and still be unfaithful, although this doesn't make it any less of a betrayal.

A third myth is that once a cheater, always a cheater. While some men may struggle with repeated infidelity, others learn from their mistakes and work hard to rebuild trust and change their behavior. Cheating doesn't define a person forever, but it does require accountability and effort to prevent it from happening again.

Breaking through these myths is important because it allows for a deeper understanding of why men cheat and how couples can address the issues that lead to infidelity.

What to do if your man is cheating on you

Discovering that your partner has cheated is an emotional earthquake. The first step is to take a breath and allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise—anger, sadness, confusion. It's normal to feel overwhelmed, but it's important not to make any rash decisions in the heat of the moment.

Talk to your partner. As painful as the conversation may be, understanding the full picture can help you decide what to do next. Was the affair a one-time event, or is it part of a deeper problem in your relationship? Be honest about how the betrayal has affected you, and listen to what your partner has to say, even if it's difficult.

At this stage, seeking professional help, such as couples counseling or individual therapy, can provide clarity. You may decide to work through the infidelity and rebuild trust, or you may choose to walk away. Either way, it's essential to prioritize your emotional well-being and make a decision that's right for you, not based on pressure from others.

Approaching the issue properly

Dealing with infidelity is never straightforward, but how you approach the issue can make a significant difference in the outcome. If you choose to confront your partner about their cheating, it's crucial to stay calm, even though your emotions are likely running high. A heated confrontation can lead to more defensiveness and denial, making it harder to have an honest conversation.

Ask the hard questions. Why did this happen? What were the underlying issues that led to the infidelity? Avoid blaming yourself or assuming responsibility for your partner's actions. While there may be problems in the relationship that contributed to the situation, cheating is always a choice that your partner made.

Setting boundaries moving forward is vital. If you decide to try and rebuild the relationship, both of you need to commit to honest communication, transparency, and, potentially, counseling. Healing from an affair takes time and effort from both partners. If trust cannot be rebuilt or if the cheating continues, it may be time to consider ending the relationship.

Recommended Resources

The State of Affairs by Esther Perel
Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson
The Truth About Cheating by M. Gary Neuman
Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix
Love & Betrayal by John Amodeo

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