11 Shocking Signs He Will Leave His Wife for You (And What to Do Next)

Key Takeaways:

• Recognize his true intentions.
• Understand the impact on your emotions.
• Identify signs he won't leave.
• Learn how to regain control.
• Trigger his hero instinct effectively.

The Emotional Rollercoaster of Loving a Married Man

Falling in love with a married man is like stepping onto a rollercoaster with no safety harness. The highs of your moments together are exhilarating, but the lows? They're gut-wrenching. You've likely spent countless nights wondering, “Will he ever leave his wife for me?” It's a question that eats at you, especially when he gives mixed signals. One day, he might talk about the future as if you're part of it, and the next, he's distant, leaving you in a whirlwind of confusion and heartache.

We need to talk about the emotional toll this takes on you. It's not just about him—it's about your well-being, your mental health, and your future. You deserve clarity, not a constant state of anxiety. The truth is, loving a married man isn't just a moral dilemma; it's a psychological battle, one that often leaves you feeling powerless. But knowledge is power, and by understanding the signs that he might—or might not—leave his wife, you can take control of your emotional journey.

He Never Tells You He Wants to Leave Her

This is one of the biggest red flags. If he never says outright that he's considering leaving his wife, it's likely because he isn't. Men who are serious about making a change in their lives usually communicate their intentions clearly. If he's only giving vague promises or avoiding the topic altogether, it's a sign he might be more comfortable with the status quo than he lets on.

You might think that his actions speak louder than words, but when it comes to something as life-altering as leaving a marriage, words are crucial. Without them, you're left to interpret his behavior, which can be misleading. He may shower you with affection, but if he's not talking about a future with you beyond the next secret meeting, it's time to face the possibility that he's not planning to leave her at all.

How Does He Talk About His Wife?

Pay close attention to the way he talks about his wife when you're together. Does he speak of her with contempt, or is there still a hint of affection in his words? The language he uses can be incredibly telling. If he regularly mentions her in a negative light, it might seem like a good sign for your future together. However, it's important to consider whether he's just venting to you as a safe outlet, rather than seriously contemplating leaving her.

On the other hand, if he speaks about her with respect or nostalgia, that's a red flag. It suggests that, despite any marital issues, he still holds onto the idea of his marriage. When a man is ready to leave his wife, his tone shifts; it becomes more definitive, less conflicted. But if he's talking about her in a way that shows attachment, even indirectly, it's a clear sign that he might not be as ready to make a change as you hope.

You Haven't Triggered His Hero Instinct

The concept of the hero instinct is rooted in a psychological theory that suggests men are driven by a deep-seated need to be seen as protectors and providers. It's not just about being needed; it's about feeling essential in a relationship. If he hasn't shown signs of wanting to take care of you in a significant, committed way, it could be because you haven't triggered this instinct in him yet.

When a man feels that he can't fulfill this role with you, he's less likely to take the leap and leave his wife. Instead, he'll stay in the comfort of what he knows, where his role is clearly defined. But if you can tap into this instinct—by making him feel that he's the only one who can truly meet your needs—you might see a shift. However, be cautious; this isn't about manipulation, but rather about fostering a genuine connection where he feels indispensable.

He Has Children - A Major Factor

If he has children, that changes everything. Children are a significant anchor in any marriage, and for good reason. They represent not just a shared responsibility, but also a deep emotional connection that often transcends marital issues. If he's a dedicated father, it's unlikely he'll make a decision that could disrupt his children's lives without a lot of thought—and time. You might notice that he hesitates or becomes distant when the topic of leaving his wife comes up, and that's because the stakes are incredibly high when kids are involved.

Many men will stay in an unhappy marriage because they believe it's better for their children to have both parents under one roof. Even if he's unhappy, the fear of losing daily contact with his kids, or of becoming a weekend dad, can be paralyzing. This is where the situation becomes truly complicated. If his children are young, the likelihood of him leaving decreases even further, as he may feel that his role is irreplaceable during their formative years.

He Talks About Future Plans that Involve His Family

Listen closely when he talks about the future. Does he include his wife and children in those plans? If he's discussing family vacations, his kids' schooling, or long-term goals that involve his current family, it's a clear sign that he's still deeply entrenched in his life with them. When a man is serious about leaving his wife, he begins to mentally—and verbally—disentangle himself from these plans. He starts thinking in terms of “I” rather than “we,” and you'll hear it in the way he talks about what's next.

Future planning is a form of commitment. When he envisions his life a year or two down the line, and it still includes his wife and family, it's a strong indication that he's not planning on making a change. He may talk about how things might be different, or he might hint at dissatisfaction, but if his concrete plans still involve his current family, then deep down, he's likely resolved to stay where he is.

Your Relationship is Purely Physical

One of the most telling signs that he's not going to leave his wife is if your relationship is based solely on physical attraction. If your interactions revolve around intimate moments rather than emotional connection or deep conversations, it's likely that he sees you more as a temporary escape than a long-term partner. Physical attraction can be intense, but it's not a solid foundation for a future together.

When a relationship is purely physical, it often means that he's compartmentalizing his life. You're the outlet for his unmet desires, but not necessarily the person he sees as a permanent part of his life. If you find that your time together rarely involves discussing your feelings, your future, or anything beyond the immediate physical connection, it's a sign that he's not emotionally invested in making a life with you outside of these moments.

Your Relationship with Yourself Matters

It's easy to get lost in the emotional whirlwind of loving someone who's already committed to another. But let's take a moment to talk about you—your relationship with yourself. How you see yourself, and how you treat yourself, is incredibly important in this situation. If you're neglecting your own needs, your self-worth, or your personal goals in favor of waiting around for him, it's time to reassess.

Loving someone shouldn't come at the cost of loving yourself. It's crucial to maintain your own sense of identity and independence, especially in a relationship where the future is uncertain. If you're constantly feeling anxious, insecure, or unfulfilled because of the situation, these are signs that your relationship with yourself is suffering. Remember, a healthy relationship—whether it's with someone else or yourself—requires mutual respect and care. Don't let your self-worth be dictated by his actions or decisions. You deserve to feel valued and secure, no matter what he decides.

He Makes a Habit of Canceling on You

If he frequently cancels plans at the last minute, that's a major red flag. Sure, life happens, and sometimes things come up, but if it becomes a pattern, it's a sign that you're not his priority. Canceling plans is often a way to avoid confrontation or the reality of the situation. It's easier for him to pull away than to deal with the guilt or complications that come with spending time with you.

This behavior might leave you feeling frustrated, unimportant, or even questioning your self-worth. You might start wondering if he's really that busy, or if he's simply not as invested in the relationship as you are. When a man is serious about someone, he makes time for them, no matter what. If you find yourself constantly rescheduling or waiting for him to show up, it's a clear indication that he's keeping you at arm's length.

He's Active in All Aspects of His Family Life

Pay attention to how involved he is with his family. If he's active in his children's lives, deeply involved in family events, or consistently prioritizes his family over you, it's a strong signal that he's not planning to leave. Being an engaged husband and father usually means he's invested in keeping his family unit intact, even if he's not entirely happy in his marriage.

This doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, but it does suggest that his family comes first—and always will. When a man is still deeply connected to his family life, it's unlikely he'll make the decision to walk away from it all. It's important to recognize that his commitment to his family is a powerful force, one that might outweigh any feelings he has for you. Understanding this can help you set realistic expectations and make decisions that are best for your emotional well-being.

You're a Top Secret in His Life

If you're the best-kept secret in his life, that's a clear warning sign. Secrecy often goes hand-in-hand with shame or fear of consequences. When he goes out of his way to keep you hidden from everyone—his friends, family, even his co-workers—it's a strong indication that he's not planning on integrating you into his world anytime soon. Keeping you secret allows him to maintain control over the situation, and it keeps his life compartmentalized, with you tucked away in a separate, private box.

You deserve to be more than a secret. When a man is serious about leaving his wife and building a life with you, he starts to bring you out of the shadows and into the light. He'll introduce you to people in his life, or at least talk about you openly with them. If that's not happening, it's likely because he's not ready—or willing—to make you a permanent part of his world.

He Never Opens Up to You Emotionally

Emotional intimacy is the foundation of any strong relationship. If he's not opening up to you emotionally, it's a sign that he's holding back—keeping a part of himself reserved for his wife or simply protecting himself from getting too close to you. Without emotional vulnerability, your relationship lacks the depth needed for a real, lasting connection.

You might find that conversations with him are surface-level, focusing on day-to-day events or physical attraction rather than his hopes, fears, or dreams. This emotional distance can leave you feeling isolated or uncertain about where you stand. When a man is truly invested in someone, he shares his inner world with them. If he's not doing that with you, it could be because he's not planning to let you in any further.

He Doesn't Have a Great Reason to Leave His Wife

When a man is truly considering leaving his wife, there's usually a compelling reason driving that decision. It might be a deep unhappiness in his marriage, a fundamental incompatibility, or even a desire to pursue a different life path. However, if he can't articulate a strong, clear reason for wanting to leave his wife, it's likely because he doesn't have one—or at least not one that outweighs the reasons to stay.

Without a compelling reason, he's more likely to stay in his current situation, where things are familiar and relatively stable. It's important to recognize that the absence of a strong motive to leave often means he's comfortable enough in his marriage to stick it out, despite any dissatisfaction he might express. This lack of a driving force should be a signal to you that he may not be as committed to making a change as you'd like him to be.

Excuses, Excuses: How He Justifies Staying

Excuses are a defense mechanism, a way to avoid facing the difficult truth that he's not planning to leave his wife. You might hear things like, “Now isn't the right time,” “I need to stay for the kids,” or “I just need more time to figure things out.” These excuses are his way of justifying staying in his marriage while still keeping you in his life. It's a way of having his cake and eating it too—maintaining the status quo without making any real commitments.

While some of these excuses might seem valid on the surface, they often serve as a way to delay making any concrete decisions. If you notice that he's been using the same excuses for months or even years, it's time to ask yourself whether he's really going to make a change. Excuses can be comforting, but they're also a sign that he's more focused on maintaining the current situation than on creating a new life with you.

He Puts You Last, Always

One of the most painful realities of being in a relationship with a married man is realizing that you're always last on his list of priorities. His wife, children, work, and even his friends come before you. You might try to rationalize this, telling yourself that his obligations are understandable, but the truth is, when someone values you, they make you a priority. If you're consistently left waiting, rescheduled, or ignored, it's a clear sign that you're not his main focus.

This can be incredibly frustrating and demoralizing. You deserve someone who's willing to put you first, who makes time for you without excuses. When a man truly cares about you and sees a future with you, he'll make sure you feel valued and important. If he's not doing that, it's likely because he's not planning on changing the status quo, where you remain a secondary consideration in his life.

Your Emotions Don't Seem to Matter to Him

Your feelings should be a priority in any relationship, but if you find that he's dismissive or indifferent to your emotions, it's a red flag. Whether you're expressing joy, sadness, frustration, or love, if he's not responding with empathy or concern, it shows a lack of emotional investment. He might listen to your feelings but fail to take them seriously or do anything to address them, leaving you feeling unheard and unsupported.

This kind of emotional neglect can leave you questioning your worth and wondering if you're asking for too much. But the reality is, you're not. In a healthy relationship, your emotions matter just as much as his, and they should be acknowledged and respected. If he's not willing to engage with your feelings or make an effort to meet your emotional needs, it's a strong indication that he's not as committed to you as you might hope.

Divorce is a Deal Breaker for Him

When it comes down to it, divorce is a massive, life-altering decision. If he consistently avoids the topic or outright tells you that divorce isn't an option, it's a strong indication that he's not planning to leave his wife. The reasons for this can be complex—fear of financial loss, concern for his children, or even a lingering attachment to his current life. Whatever the reason, if divorce is off the table for him, it means your relationship will always be limited by the boundaries of his marriage.

This realization can be heartbreaking, especially if you've invested a lot of time and emotion into the relationship. It's important to understand that if he's not willing to consider divorce, then he's choosing to keep things as they are, with you on the sidelines. Divorce is difficult and messy, but if he's truly committed to building a life with you, it's a conversation he should be willing to have. If it's a deal breaker for him, you need to ask yourself if staying in this situation is worth the emotional toll it's taking on you.

Why Won't He Let You Go?

If he's not planning to leave his wife, you might wonder why he won't just let you go. The answer is often because you fill a need that isn't being met in his marriage. Whether it's physical, emotional, or a combination of both, your relationship provides something he's missing in his married life. Letting you go would mean losing that, and for him, that's not an easy decision.

However, keeping you around while refusing to make a commitment is unfair and selfish. He might not want to lose the connection he has with you, but he's also not willing to make the changes necessary to be with you fully. This push-and-pull dynamic can be exhausting and emotionally draining, leaving you feeling stuck in a cycle of hope and disappointment. Understanding this can help you make a decision about what's best for you—whether that's staying in the relationship with clear boundaries or walking away to protect your own well-being.

How to Make a Proactive Change

If you've recognized yourself in any of the signs we've discussed, it's time to take control of the situation. The first step is to decide what you truly want and need from a relationship. If he's not giving you what you deserve, it's up to you to make a change. This might mean setting clear boundaries, having a difficult conversation, or even deciding to walk away. The key is to be proactive, not reactive. Waiting for him to make a move often leads to more heartache and disappointment.

Start by evaluating your own self-worth. Ask yourself if this relationship is helping you grow and thrive, or if it's holding you back. Sometimes, the hardest part is acknowledging that you deserve better. But once you do, you'll find the strength to make decisions that align with your best interests. Remember, making a proactive change isn't about giving up; it's about reclaiming your power and choosing a path that brings you peace and fulfillment.

Triggering the Hero Instinct

The hero instinct is a powerful psychological concept that can make a significant difference in your relationship. It's about appealing to a man's deep-seated desire to feel needed, valued, and irreplaceable. To trigger this instinct, you need to show him that you genuinely appreciate his efforts and that you rely on him in meaningful ways. This isn't about playing games or manipulating him; it's about fostering a connection where he feels essential to your happiness and well-being.

You can trigger his hero instinct by encouraging him to take on roles that highlight his strengths, whether it's offering advice, helping with a challenge, or being your go-to person in times of need. When he feels like your hero, he's more likely to see a future with you, one where he plays a crucial role. However, it's important to be authentic in your approach. This isn't about stroking his ego but rather about building a partnership where both of you feel valued and indispensable to each other.

The Wrap Up: Where Do You Go From Here?

Now that you've reflected on the signs and realities of your relationship, it's time to decide where to go from here. The truth can be painful, but it's also liberating. You deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued, loved, and prioritized—not one where you're constantly questioning your worth or waiting for someone else to make a move. If the signs are pointing to the fact that he's not going to leave his wife, then it's crucial to consider what you want for your future.

Moving forward might mean having a serious conversation with him about your needs and expectations. It might mean setting boundaries or even choosing to end the relationship. Whatever you decide, remember that you have the power to create a life that fulfills you. Don't let fear of the unknown keep you in a situation that doesn't serve your happiness.

It's also important to take care of yourself during this process. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family, seek counseling if needed, and focus on your personal growth. The road ahead might be challenging, but it's also an opportunity to rediscover your strength and independence. You have the right to a relationship that makes you feel whole, and sometimes, the bravest thing you can do is walk away from one that doesn't.

Recommended Resources

• The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity by Esther Perel
• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
• Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood