Reacting to the Chaos of Your Mate's Midlife Crisis

Excerpted from
How to Survive Your Husband's Midlife Crisis: Strategies and Stories from the Midlife Wives Club
By Pat Gaudette, Gay Courter

When a woman experiences a sudden change from a stable state to an unbalanced one, her world seems to tilt. Every step is an uphill climb. Every breath is harder to take. Emotions are difficult to control, and they may vacillate between rage and despair, sorrow and resentment. Bottled-up feelings find release in crying or shouting. Some women internalize the pain and become ill; others take it out on co-workers, family, and children.

"For the first few days I cried so much that I have no idea how the human body can produce so many tears," Evie said after her husband returned from an overseas trip and moved in with the woman with whom he had been traveling. "I wanted to hide in a hole. I did have to take care of the kids so that was what got me out of bed. The slightest memories would set me off. I couldn't listen to the radio because songs we had sung together in the car made me wonder if he was singing them with her."

Bonnie was upset because she had to leave her once-familiar surroundings. "I thought it was only going to be a brief separation and I couldn't afford the mortgage, so I moved out. I left most of my possessions behind, but at least I took the computer. Somehow I knew I would need it for more than playing solitaire." The couples counselor they had seen mentioned something about midlife crisis, so she typed the words into the Ask Jeeves search engine and found the Midlife Wives Club. "Then I spent the first month crying, barely holding on to my new job, and talking with friends long distance and online."

Megan laughed when she recalled her first reaction to her husband's plans to take the proverbial hike-alone. "In movies nobody ever shows the part after someone throws the wine-glass. Well, the rest of the story is that someone has to sweep up the shards of crystal and wipe the sherry off the walls. Who do you think had to do that?" Megan's tone became more serious. "After that, I realized how alone I was and I broke into uncontrollable sobs. Through my tears I dialed the phone and poured out my story to anyone who would listen. Your real friends are the ones who'll talk to you in the middle of the night." Megan also stopped sleeping and began smoking again. "Since I am self-employed as a computer programmer, I put in as many hours as I could without falling over and I also worked my way through the wine cellar. I think I would have gone crazy if I hadn't found this support group."

"I cannot remember the first month after he left," Katie chimed in. "It is all a blur. I think I went crazy."

"Me too," agreed Tish. "It is painful even to remember how I spent the first day not only crying but rolled up in a ball on the floor. I was in so much agony I felt like I needed to go to the emergency room. I told a friend I literally thought I was going to die of a broken heart. She convinced me to see my doctor the next day, which turned out to be the right thing to do."

Kelly was desperate when she logged on. "I am in so much pain I am not sure I can go on past the next minute. I am not suicidal, just in pain. I always thought heartache was only a saying, but this is much worse, like I've been stabbed in the chest. He told me he has finally decided he is leaving on Tuesday and wants me to explain it to the kids. How can I do that when I can't even explain it to myself?"

Jenelle offered Kelly sage advice. "His eyes are focused on the door right now, so there is nothing you can do to make him stay. Try to center and calm yourself. You will get through this horrible day and things will get better. We'll be here for you."

The Call of the Road:
Male Midlife Panic

What's going on? While fast sports cars, prescriptions for Propecia, jars of Rogaine, and sordid affairs leading to broken families are the stuff of cartoons, for club members they can be a living nightmare. Some experts ponder whether midlife crisis might not be a result of American materialism, media hype, and the myth that it is possible to "have it all." Researcher Arnold Kruger believes that acting out a midlife crisis is more frequent when prosperous men have the leisure time to indulge in self-absorption. Nevertheless, the phenomenon is both international and timeless. The French have long referred to midlife as demon de midi-the devil that gets into the noonday of their lives when their wives have grown matronly. The Germans call it Torschlusspanik, which translates to "closed-door panic"-the pursuit of younger women by middle-aged men seeking a final fling before the gates close. Interestingly, the Chinese ideograph for crisis is made up of the characters for danger and opportunity.

According to Daniel J. Levinson, one of the foremost chroniclers of the human life cycle, upheavals at midlife have been catalogued for thousands of years-although when men did not live as long, either fewer men experienced it or the crisis may have come at an earlier age. Levinson wrote, "Society is now doing better at keeping people healthy after 40. The more difficult problem is to foster psychological well-being and provide the conditions for a satisfying, productive life in middle adulthood." Today, with male life expectancy closing in on 80, a larger portion of the population is symptomatic so the condition is easier to diagnose. And, as the twenty-first century turned, the biggest generation in history-the baby boomers-were either in the throes of midlife crises or approaching the testy hour.

Yet some studies from other cultures do not support the idea of a universal male midlife crisis, suggesting that only a small percentage of middle-aged men have difficulty coping. Other researchers believe some midlife turmoil is a common marker for men 40 to 45 years of age. Although nobody finds it pleasant or flattering, aging is a normal process. No 50-year-old man can compete athletically against someone half his age, nor should he expect to. Graying or balding hair, changes in skin elasticity, even loss of bone mass will affect every man sooner or later. While there are pharmaceuticals that attempt to either slow or assuage some of the inevitable side effects of maturity, there is only so much that can be done to manage serious diseases like diabetes, cardiovascular problems, and cancer, which crop up more frequently after 40.

In his book Dare to Be 100, Dr. Walter Bortz says there is nothing we can do to slow the fact that most of our bodily functions deteriorate about one-half percent per year. Since men in the United States have a higher death rate for the leading causes of death and die on average seven years younger than women, they do have reason for increased anxiety. Yet men are less likely to have medical check-ups or take preventative steps than women, who accept the fact that midlife brings obvious physical changes and that menopause is a time to seek professional advice about their changing bodies.