My heart stopped when I read the text from my partner: “I have to do this, goodbye.” I never expected those words to be followed by a single gunshot. Shaking, I grabbed my keys and rushed to the scene; only arriving shortly after he had taken his own life.
My mind raced with so many questions. Why did he do it? What had happened? What could I have done differently? As my emotions took over, so did a daunting suspicion. Could he have cheated?
The thought of infidelity felt like a dagger through my heart. The idea that he had been unfaithful was unbearable. But if I were honest with myself, there were signs. Signs that I should have listened to or noticed but instead chose to ignore.
It was hard to process these feelings of betrayal and grief at the same time. How can someone feel so love and anger simultaneously?
So, what should I do if I think he might have cheated?
First, it is important to remember that no matter what we discover about him, there is still a need for self-care. The overwhelming emotions that have arisen are valid, yet should not be allowed to consume our lives.
Second, it is worth acknowledging that our doubts may not be correct. In any case, there is no way to know for sure. My partner is gone and I must accept that his secrets have gone with him.
Third, it is necessary to seek out professional help. Finding a support network or talking to a therapist can help give us a safe space to work through our feelings as well as to understand how to move forward.
Finally, it is essential to let go of all the “what-ifs” and “whys” that plague our mind. Turning guilt and regret into acceptance can eventually lead to a peaceful healing process.
These steps may not provide the answers that I am searching for. However, they can offer some form of closure and give perspective on how to navigate my chaotic emotions.
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