How Can I Talk To My Friend About The Way She Acts Around Others?

Dear eNotAlone: I have a girl friend and we have been friends for years. We get along so well together and we have great conversations, but whenever we are around her other friends she acts like I am invisible. It's like I become a ghost in her presence and she just stops talking to me. It's really hurtful and I don't know how to handle the situation. I don't want to lose her friendship, but I feel so hurt when she ignores me in front of other people. Is there any way that I can approach this issue without losing her as a friend?

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No matter how good your relationship is it can be extremely hurtful when someone you're close to acts like you don't exist or ignores you. Taking a step back and evaluating the situation carefully can help you identify and move past the hurtful behavior.

Memories of past friendships might come to the surface due to similar experiences and can amplify the feelings of hurt and rejection. Don't let these memories haunt you. Work through them and learn to trust that your friendship with her is still strong and that she does genuinely care about you.

It's important to remember that everyone experiences different emotions in different environments. Her friends may not be as comfortable with her displaying her fondness for you as she would be on her own. It could be quite possible that she simply doesn't know how to express her fondness while those people are around; it could be that she's slightly embarrassed by the closeness of your friendship in contrast to their more aloof relationships with each other.

In a quiet moment where you and your friend are alone, calmly ask her why she feels the need to act this way in the presence of her other friends. Allow her ample space to express her fears and concerns, and understand why it makes her feel more comfortable to avoid mentioning your presence. It can also help to be honest and open at this point, telling her how the situation makes you feel.

It's important to maintain a sense of patience during this discussion; it may take a few attempts to communicate the underlying issues. It may also be beneficial for you both to discuss why your friendship means so much to each of you. This allows for an acknowledgement of the strength of your friendship and can create a sense of comfort for you both. You will likely find that showing your understanding and willingness to talk through the situation can result in positive change.

If discussing the issue openly with your friend doesn't seem feasible, then spend some time reflecting on why you're feeling hurt. Thinking carefully about what you feel helps you be prepared to talk to your friend more sensibly when the opportunity arises. Before you engage in conversation, evaluate your OWN behavior – maybe there's something that you do that triggers her to react in this way. Acknowledge areas of your behavior which could help the situation, and focus on addressing these areas first.