7 Shocking (Yet Common) Reasons for Divorce

Key Takeaways:

• Infidelity leads to relationship breakdowns.
• Financial stress heightens marital conflict.
• Communication issues strain marriages.
• Unrealistic expectations cause disappointment.
• Lack of intimacy fosters disconnection.

What Causes Divorce in Marriage?

Marriages don't usually break down overnight. The causes of divorce tend to simmer beneath the surface, gradually eroding the foundation of the relationship until one or both partners feel there's no way to save it. The journey from marital bliss to the contemplation of divorce often includes a combination of internal and external stressors. From unmet expectations to external temptations, the reasons are many, but the underlying thread is usually emotional disconnection.

According to Dr. John Gottman, a renowned marriage expert, the "Four Horsemen"—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—are predictors of divorce. When these behaviors dominate a relationship, the emotional toll becomes too high, leaving couples feeling stuck and helpless.

Why Do Couples Divorce?

So why do couples divorce? It's easy to point to specific events like an affair or financial woes, but beneath those issues, there's often a deeper problem: emotional withdrawal. We all crave connection and validation in a relationship. When that need goes unmet, everything else seems to fall apart.

People evolve, and sometimes they evolve apart. We see this when priorities shift, interests change, or one partner feels neglected. What starts as minor disagreements can snowball into ongoing tension, leading to a growing emotional distance. When this happens, many couples end up asking themselves: Can we still fix this, or is it time to let go?

As Esther Perel, a well-known relationship therapist, puts it, “The quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.” When a marriage fails to provide the emotional safety and connection we need, divorce often feels like the only path forward.

Top 7 Reasons for Divorce

The reasons couples end up divorcing are often surprisingly universal. While every marriage is unique, the causes of separation tend to fall into a few common categories. Understanding these patterns can help us identify the warning signs early, and maybe even find ways to save a relationship before it's too late.

Some of the most frequent reasons that lead to divorce include infidelity, financial troubles, and constant fighting. The key is realizing that these issues don't just appear out of nowhere—they often develop over time. Ignoring small cracks in the relationship allows them to deepen, and before you know it, the gap seems impossible to bridge.

Research by Dr. Paul Amato, a sociology professor at Penn State University, shows that the factors leading to divorce often overlap. Whether it's about trust, money, or emotional fulfillment, the underlying cause is typically a lack of communication and connection between partners.

Infidelity or an Extramarital Affair

Infidelity is one of the most common and devastating causes of divorce. When trust is shattered in this way, rebuilding the relationship can feel like an impossible task. A betrayal of this magnitude creates emotional wounds that often refuse to heal, even with time. Affairs bring up feelings of inadequacy, betrayal, and sometimes even guilt. It's not just about the physical act; the emotional fallout is where the real damage lies.

Often, one partner seeks comfort outside the marriage because they feel emotionally disconnected or unappreciated within it. But once that line is crossed, it becomes difficult to repair the damage. Shirley Glass, a psychologist and expert on infidelity, said it well in her book "Not Just Friends": “The affairs that hurt the most are the ones that could have been avoided if the couple had only addressed their issues sooner.”

Infidelity can happen in even the strongest of marriages, but it's the silence around those small, nagging issues that eventually leads one partner to stray. Once the affair is discovered, the road to recovery is long, and sadly, not every couple makes it.

Financial Trouble in Marriage

Money—it's one of the top reasons couples fight, and eventually, why many choose to part ways. Financial trouble doesn't just strain bank accounts; it strains the emotional fabric of a relationship. When bills pile up or spending habits clash, the stress often spills over into other areas of life, leading to resentment and frustration.

Financial disagreements can range from how much to save for the future to how much to spend on daily needs or indulgences. These tensions, when unresolved, often cause deep rifts in a marriage. According to a survey by SunTrust Bank, money was the number one cause of stress in relationships for nearly 35% of couples.

It's not just about the money itself, but what it represents: security, power, and sometimes control. When couples can't agree on how to handle their finances, the emotional fallout often makes the relationship feel more like a business transaction than a partnership.

If you and your spouse are constantly arguing over money, it may be time to sit down with a financial advisor or marriage counselor to find a middle ground before those frustrations become insurmountable.

Lack of Communication

Communication is the glue that holds a relationship together. Without it, even the most loving of couples will eventually find themselves drifting apart. When communication breaks down, everything else in the marriage begins to unravel, from emotional intimacy to problem-solving.

It's not just about talking, but about truly hearing and understanding one another. Dr. Sue Johnson, a clinical psychologist and creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy, has said, “Couples don't break up because they argue; they break up because they don't feel emotionally connected.” When we stop communicating effectively, we stop feeling that connection.

Small misunderstandings can snowball into larger issues if not addressed, and when couples no longer feel heard, they often stop trying to resolve conflicts altogether. The result? A slow, painful disintegration of the relationship.

The solution isn't just to talk more, but to talk better—honestly, openly, and with empathy. Couples who make the effort to improve their communication skills often find they can weather even the toughest of storms together.

Constant Arguing and Conflict

Every couple argues—that's normal. But when disagreements become constant, with no resolution in sight, the relationship starts to crumble. Constant arguing creates an environment where both partners feel attacked and misunderstood. Instead of coming together to solve problems, they end up on opposing sides of the same battlefield, locked in a cycle of blame and defensiveness.

These arguments aren't just about big issues like money or infidelity. Often, it's the smaller, day-to-day grievances that pile up—who didn't take out the trash, who left the dishes, or why one partner feels ignored. When arguments persist without any attempt at compromise, they erode the emotional foundation of the marriage.

Dr. John Gottman's research points to the concept of “negative sentiment override,” where negative feelings toward your partner overshadow any positive interactions. Couples stuck in this loop of negativity often find that even a simple conversation turns into a conflict, making it impossible to move forward.

Arguing isn't always the problem. It's the inability to resolve those arguments and move past them that makes couples feel trapped in a cycle of anger and hurt.

Weight Gain and Physical Appearance

Physical attraction plays a role in any romantic relationship, but over time, some couples find that changes in physical appearance—whether due to weight gain, aging, or health issues—become a point of tension. While this might seem superficial, it taps into deeper issues like self-esteem, attraction, and how we perceive our partners.

Weight gain, in particular, can sometimes strain a marriage if one partner feels the other no longer meets the unspoken expectations they had at the beginning of the relationship. It's not just about appearance, though. Weight gain can also signal larger health concerns or lifestyle changes that one partner may not be comfortable with.

This issue becomes even more complicated when societal pressures and unrealistic beauty standards come into play. Both men and women can feel insecure about their appearance, and when these insecurities are projected onto the relationship, it can create emotional distance.

But the problem often isn't the weight itself—it's the way couples communicate (or fail to) about it. When partners don't feel loved or accepted as they are, the relationship starts to fracture. True connection and love go beyond physical appearance, but couples need to address these insecurities head-on before they lead to resentment.

Unrealistic Expectations and Disappointment

We all enter marriage with certain expectations—about our partner, our relationship, and our future. But when those expectations don't align with reality, disappointment can set in. Many couples fall into the trap of idealizing marriage as the solution to all of life's problems, believing that love alone will conquer everything. Unfortunately, when the reality of day-to-day life kicks in, those high expectations can lead to feelings of failure and resentment.

Unmet expectations often create a sense of disillusionment. Whether it's about how much time you spend together, how you handle conflict, or how quickly you build your future, these discrepancies can turn into serious points of contention. When one partner feels the other isn't living up to the marriage they envisioned, it's hard not to internalize that disappointment.

Dr. Aaron Beck, the father of cognitive behavioral therapy, explained in his book "Love Is Never Enough" that unrealistic expectations often stem from cognitive distortions, where we over-idealize our partner or believe they should “complete” us. When reality doesn't match those fantasies, we feel unfulfilled.

It's important to remember that no relationship is perfect, and expecting perfection only sets you up for heartache. A successful marriage requires flexibility, compromise, and the ability to manage disappointments without letting them define the relationship.

Lack of Intimacy and Emotional Disconnection

Intimacy isn't just about physical closeness—it's about emotional connection too. Over time, many couples find that they've drifted apart emotionally, even if they're still physically present in each other's lives. This lack of intimacy often leads to feelings of loneliness within the marriage, where one or both partners feel more like roommates than soulmates.

Emotional disconnection can happen for various reasons—stress, lack of time, or even unresolved conflicts. When couples stop sharing their thoughts, feelings, and vulnerabilities, they slowly lose the bond that initially brought them together. As Dr. Sue Johnson highlights in her book "Hold Me Tight," emotional bonding is the heartbeat of any relationship. Without it, couples lose the sense of safety and security they need to thrive.

Physical intimacy often declines alongside emotional disconnection, further driving a wedge between partners. What might start as a busy schedule or physical tiredness can turn into a chronic lack of affection, making one or both partners feel neglected. This lack of connection often becomes a silent killer in marriages, eroding the relationship over time.

But it's not irreversible. Rekindling intimacy requires effort and vulnerability. Couples who are willing to work on rebuilding their emotional bond often find that physical closeness naturally follows.

What Percentage of Marriages End in Divorce?

The statistics around divorce can be startling. In the U.S., it's commonly reported that nearly 40% to 50% of marriages will end in divorce. While this number may fluctuate depending on the source and demographic, the fact remains: divorce is a frequent outcome for many couples.

Interestingly, divorce rates have actually been on the decline over the past few decades, though the numbers remain high. This shift is often attributed to people waiting longer to get married, leading to more stable unions. Couples today are more likely to live together before marriage and take their time deciding whether they are truly compatible for the long haul. But for many, marriage is still a gamble, and not every bet pays off.

In fact, some studies show that second and third marriages have even higher divorce rates, with about 60% of second marriages and 70% of third marriages ending in divorce. The reasons for this? Emotional baggage from previous relationships, blended families, and repeating old patterns often make it harder for subsequent marriages to survive.

While these numbers might be disheartening, they also serve as a reminder of how challenging, yet rewarding, it is to maintain a healthy and long-lasting marriage. Divorce may be common, but for every couple that separates, many others find ways to stay together through the ups and downs.

Can There Be Good Reasons for Divorce?

Divorce is rarely a decision that couples take lightly. But can there be “good” reasons for divorce? The answer is complicated. While many people stay in unhappy marriages out of fear, guilt, or societal pressure, there are situations where divorce may actually be the healthier option.

When a marriage becomes toxic—whether due to abuse, infidelity, or chronic unhappiness—divorce might be the only way to preserve one's emotional or physical well-being. Staying in a relationship where one partner feels disrespected, unsafe, or emotionally drained often does more harm than good, especially if children are involved.

“Sometimes divorce is necessary to protect your mental health and the well-being of your family,” says Dr. Judith S. Wallerstein, a psychologist who studied the impact of divorce on families. While divorce can be devastating, it can also open the door to healing, growth, and healthier future relationships.

In certain cases, staying together for the wrong reasons—fear of change, financial dependency, or societal expectations—can prevent both partners from finding true happiness. It's important to remember that a marriage is only successful if both individuals feel fulfilled and respected. If those elements are missing, divorce may be the best choice for everyone involved.

How Couples Therapy Can Save a Marriage

When a marriage is on the rocks, couples therapy can often feel like the last lifeline. The beauty of therapy is that it provides a safe space for both partners to express their feelings, frustrations, and hopes for the relationship—without fear of judgment or criticism. With a skilled therapist guiding the conversation, couples can begin to break down the walls that have formed between them.

Couples therapy isn't just for those on the brink of divorce. In fact, many find that seeking help early, when conflicts first arise, can prevent issues from snowballing into something more serious. Therapy teaches couples how to communicate more effectively, resolve conflicts, and understand each other's emotional needs in a deeper way.

Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher on relationships, found that couples who go to therapy and work on their relationship are more likely to stay together and report higher levels of satisfaction. “It's not about avoiding conflict, but learning how to navigate it together,” he explains.

While therapy won't solve every problem, it offers tools and techniques that can help couples rediscover why they fell in love in the first place and rebuild a healthier, more fulfilling partnership.

How to File for Divorce: A Step-by-Step Guide

If therapy doesn't bring the desired change and divorce becomes inevitable, it's essential to understand the steps involved. Filing for divorce can feel overwhelming, but breaking it down into a step-by-step process makes it more manageable.

1. Consult a Divorce Lawyer: Before filing, it's crucial to get legal advice to understand your rights and obligations.
2. File the Divorce Petition: One partner (the petitioner) files the legal paperwork with the court, stating the grounds for divorce.
3. Serve the Divorce Papers: The other spouse (the respondent) must be formally notified, usually through a process server or legal notice.
4. Wait for Response: The respondent has a certain amount of time to answer the petition, agreeing or contesting the terms.
5. Negotiate Settlement: This includes division of assets, alimony, child custody, and support. It's often done through mediation or with lawyers.
6. Finalize the Divorce: If both parties agree, the divorce can proceed to a final court hearing, where a judge signs off on the agreement.

While these steps seem straightforward, the emotional and legal complexities can make the process daunting. Many couples find that having a good support system—whether it's friends, family, or a therapist—makes this transition easier.

How Long Does the Divorce Process Take?

The length of the divorce process varies widely depending on the complexity of the case and the level of conflict between the partners. On average, an uncontested divorce can be finalized in as little as a few months, while more contentious divorces, particularly those involving disputes over property or custody, can take a year or more to resolve.

Factors like the backlog of the local court system, the willingness of both parties to negotiate, and the specifics of the divorce agreement all play a role in determining the timeline. If both parties agree on the terms from the outset, the process moves faster. However, if either partner contests the terms, whether it's related to alimony, child support, or asset division, expect a longer and more drawn-out process.

“A divorce that is amicable and uncontested can be completed in just a few months,” says family law attorney Margaret Klaw, “but the average contentious divorce drags on for about a year.” Ultimately, the time it takes comes down to how quickly—and peacefully—both partners can come to a resolution.

Costs and Financial Impacts of Divorce

Divorce isn't just emotionally draining—it can take a serious toll on your finances as well. From legal fees to the division of assets, the costs can add up quickly. On average, a divorce in the U.S. can cost anywhere between $10,000 and $15,000, though more complex cases can easily exceed that.

Legal fees are only part of the picture. Couples must also consider the division of property, alimony, and child support payments. If one spouse has been the primary breadwinner, they may be required to support the other spouse financially for a period of time post-divorce, which can be a significant financial burden.

Financial consultant Karen Covy explains that divorce can impact everything from your retirement savings to your credit score. “Many people underestimate the long-term financial implications of divorce,” she notes. “It's not just about the initial legal fees—it's about the ongoing expenses that can affect your financial future.”

Preparing for these financial challenges is key. Hiring a financial advisor, understanding the full scope of your assets, and planning for life post-divorce can help mitigate the financial strain and set you on the path to rebuilding your financial stability.

Legal Separation vs. Divorce: What's the Difference?

Many couples contemplating divorce first consider legal separation as a way to pause their marriage without ending it entirely. While both legal separation and divorce create physical and financial distance between spouses, they have distinct legal consequences. Understanding the difference can help couples decide which option is right for them.

In a legal separation, the couple remains legally married but lives apart, often with formal agreements in place regarding finances, child custody, and other obligations. This allows couples to take a break without permanently dissolving the marriage. In contrast, divorce is the official legal ending of the marriage, where the couple's assets are divided, and they are free to remarry.

One reason some opt for legal separation is religious or moral beliefs that discourage divorce. Others may use separation as a trial period, seeing if time apart helps them work through their differences. However, it's important to note that while separated, each spouse is still financially tied to the other, meaning debts or financial obligations remain shared.

Divorce, on the other hand, severs all legal ties between spouses, offering a clean break. Each partner is responsible for their own future financial decisions, and their obligations to one another are largely limited to alimony or child support if necessary. Deciding between legal separation and divorce is a deeply personal decision that depends on both emotional and practical factors.

Property Division in Divorce: What You Need to Know

One of the most contentious aspects of divorce is the division of property. The process can be emotionally and financially draining, especially if there's significant wealth or assets involved. In most cases, state laws determine how property is divided between the two parties, but there are general principles that guide this process.

In community property states like California and Texas, all assets acquired during the marriage are considered joint property and are usually divided 50/50. This includes not just homes and cars, but also income, retirement accounts, and even debts. In contrast, equitable distribution states aim to divide property fairly, though not necessarily equally. Factors like each spouse's financial contribution, earning potential, and the length of the marriage often influence the final division.

Negotiations around property division can be lengthy, particularly if one spouse feels they've been unfairly treated. It's not uncommon for disputes to arise over sentimental items, family homes, or businesses built during the marriage.

"When dividing assets, emotions run high," says divorce attorney Randall Kessler. "It's important to approach this process with a clear understanding of your legal rights and the long-term impact of your decisions."

Ultimately, understanding your state's laws, working with a skilled attorney, and being willing to compromise can help ensure that property division goes as smoothly as possible. Preparing for this aspect of divorce early on can make a big difference in protecting your financial future.

Who Initiates Divorce More: Men or Women?

When it comes to initiating divorce, research consistently shows that women are more likely to file than men. Studies suggest that nearly 70% of divorces are initiated by women, and that number climbs even higher for college-educated women. Why is this the case?

One major reason is that women are often more attuned to emotional dissatisfaction in a relationship. When they feel unfulfilled, unsupported, or unheard, they're more likely to reach a breaking point and take action. Women also tend to be the ones who shoulder the emotional and logistical work of maintaining the relationship, and when that burden becomes too heavy, they may choose to walk away.

Sociologist Michael Rosenfeld, who led a study on this topic, noted that “Women seem to have higher expectations for the quality of the relationship than men.” These expectations may include emotional closeness, communication, and shared responsibilities. When these needs aren't met, divorce becomes a way to reclaim independence and pursue personal happiness.

Men, on the other hand, often wait longer before initiating a divorce, perhaps due to societal expectations or a reluctance to disrupt the status quo. Regardless of who initiates it, divorce is rarely an easy decision, but understanding these dynamics can help couples navigate the complexities of separation more mindfully.

How to Know It's Time to Divorce

Deciding to divorce is one of the hardest choices you'll ever make. So how do you know when it's time to let go? The answer isn't always clear, but there are some signs that might indicate it's time to take that step.

If you've tried therapy, open communication, and every effort to reconnect, but still feel emotionally disconnected from your partner, that's a red flag. Living in constant conflict, where every conversation turns into an argument, can also signal the end of the road. Over time, this kind of environment becomes toxic and damaging, not just for the couple, but for any children involved.

Another major indicator is when you no longer envision a future with your spouse. If the idea of staying together fills you with dread or indifference, it might be time to consider divorce. In her book "The Good Divorce," Dr. Constance Ahrons explains that “choosing to leave an unhappy marriage can be a step toward personal growth, freedom, and better emotional health.” Sometimes, ending the relationship is the healthiest option for both partners.

Ultimately, no one can tell you when it's time to divorce except for you. It's a deeply personal decision that requires a lot of soul-searching. But if you find yourself constantly unhappy, feeling trapped, or disconnected, it may be time to move on and create a new chapter in your life.

Getting Help from Divorce Therapists

Going through a divorce is one of the most emotionally challenging experiences a person can face. It's not just the end of a marriage, but the unraveling of years of shared dreams, memories, and plans for the future. This is why many people turn to divorce therapists for support. A skilled therapist can provide a safe space to process your feelings, work through the grief, and help you navigate the many stages of divorce.

Divorce therapy isn't just for individuals—it can also be helpful for couples who are trying to figure out if divorce is the right path for them. Sometimes, the guidance of a neutral third party can help couples communicate more effectively and make the decision with clarity and compassion. Even if divorce is inevitable, therapy can help ease the transition and prepare both parties for the next chapter in their lives.

As Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who pioneered the study of grief, noted: “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it.” Divorce therapists understand this and offer tools for coping, healing, and moving forward.

Whether you're dealing with overwhelming sadness, anger, or even relief, a therapist can help you process the complicated emotions that come with divorce, ensuring that you emerge from the experience stronger and more resilient.

Frequently Asked Questions About Divorce

Divorce can be a confusing process, filled with legal jargon and emotionally charged decisions. Below are some of the most common questions people have when they're considering or going through a divorce.

How to File for Divorce?

Filing for divorce starts with submitting a divorce petition to the court in your jurisdiction. The petition will outline the grounds for divorce and must be legally served to the other party, who will have the opportunity to respond. Depending on where you live, there may be additional requirements, such as a mandatory waiting period or mediation.

How Long Does the Divorce Process Take?

The timeline for a divorce depends on the complexity of the case and whether the divorce is contested or uncontested. An uncontested divorce, where both parties agree on the terms, can take just a few months. A contested divorce, involving disputes over assets, custody, or other issues, may take a year or more.

How Much Does a Divorce Cost?

The cost of a divorce can vary significantly. Uncontested divorces with minimal legal involvement might only cost a few thousand dollars, while contentious divorces with significant disputes can run upwards of $15,000 or more, depending on attorney fees and court costs.

What is the Difference Between Legal Separation and Divorce?

Legal separation allows a couple to live apart while remaining legally married. Divorce, on the other hand, ends the marriage entirely, with all financial and legal ties severed except for those laid out in the divorce agreement (such as alimony or child support).

Recommended Resources

1. "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Dr. John Gottman

This book offers practical, research-based advice on how to strengthen your marriage and avoid common pitfalls that lead to divorce.

2. "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum

A thoughtful guide to help individuals struggling with the decision to stay in a relationship or pursue divorce, offering clarity and direction.

3. "The Good Divorce" by Dr. Constance Ahrons

This book provides insight into how divorcing couples can manage the process with less hostility and more cooperation, particularly when children are involved.