15 Alarming Signs You're Just an Option in Priority Dating

Key Takeaways:

• Recognize the signs you're just an option.
• Identify patterns of emotional neglect.
• Understand what you truly deserve.
• Learn how to move forward with confidence.
• Trust your instincts and act decisively.

Are You a Priority or Just an Option?

In the tangled web of modern dating, it's easy to get caught up in the thrill of a new relationship. But at some point, a nagging question might arise: Are you truly a priority to your partner, or are you simply an option? It's a tough realization that many of us face at one time or another. And it can be incredibly painful.

The difference between being a priority and an option isn't always obvious at first. There are subtle signs, often hidden in plain sight, that can make us second-guess the relationship we're in. These signs might be easy to dismiss, especially when you're deeply invested emotionally. But overlooking them can lead to a lot of heartache down the line.

This article is designed to help you identify those signs and take a closer look at the relationship dynamics at play. By the end of this, you'll have a clearer picture of where you stand, and more importantly, where you want to go.

The Pain of Being an Option

There's nothing more devastating than realizing that you're not as important to someone as they are to you. The emotional toll of being treated as an option can be heavy. It chips away at your self-esteem, makes you question your worth, and leaves you feeling incredibly lonely—even when you're not physically alone.

When you're just an option, the relationship often feels one-sided. You find yourself always waiting—waiting for them to make time for you, waiting for a response, waiting for them to prioritize you the way you do them. It's exhausting, and it's not what you deserve.

Renowned relationship expert, Dr. John Gottman, once said, "Love is about being there for the other person when they need you, not just when it's convenient." This quote rings especially true when we talk about being an option in a relationship. If your partner only shows up when it's convenient for them, then it's time to reevaluate your position in their life.

How to Recognize If You're Not a Priority

It can be tough to admit that you're not a priority in someone's life, especially when you care deeply about them. But recognizing the signs is the first step towards taking control of your happiness. These signs might not always be glaringly obvious; sometimes, they're buried under excuses, justifications, and the hope that things will change.

You might start to notice a pattern: your needs often take a backseat to theirs, your opinions are overlooked, and their attention seems to drift more and more. The truth is, when someone values you, they make an effort to show it—not just in words, but in actions. They don't keep you waiting, wondering, or guessing about your place in their life. Instead, they are consistent, present, and genuinely invested in your well-being.

Dr. Brené Brown, a leading researcher on vulnerability and relationships, once said, "We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known." If you're constantly questioning whether you're seen or known in your relationship, it's a strong indication that you're not being prioritized. And that's a reality no one should have to endure.

1. They Check-in, But Only When It's Convenient

Have you noticed that your partner only checks in with you when it's convenient for them? Maybe they send you a quick text in the middle of the day, but it's usually short, vague, and leaves you wanting more. Or perhaps they only make plans with you when nothing better comes up. This behavior is a clear sign that you're not a priority in their life.

When someone truly cares about you, they make an effort to connect with you regularly, even when it's not convenient. They don't just reach out when they're bored or when they need something. They're interested in your day, your feelings, and your life in general. They make time for you because they want to, not because they have to.

If you find yourself constantly waiting for their call or text, or if you feel like you're always the one initiating contact, it's time to take a step back and reassess the relationship. A person who truly values you will show it in their actions, not just their words.

2. They Make Plans That Often Exclude You

When someone prioritizes you, they want to include you in their life—both the big moments and the small ones. But what happens when they consistently make plans that don't involve you? Perhaps they go out with friends without even considering inviting you, or they plan weekend trips and forget to mention them until the last minute. This isn't just about a missed invitation; it's about a pattern of exclusion that can make you feel isolated and unimportant.

Being left out isn't just hurtful—it's a clear sign that you're not being considered as a significant part of their life. Relationships are about sharing experiences and creating memories together, not living parallel lives that only occasionally intersect. If you find yourself more often on the outside looking in, it's time to question whether this relationship is truly fulfilling your needs.

In a healthy relationship, plans are made together, and both partners feel equally involved in each other's lives. If that's not happening, it might be time to have a serious conversation about where you stand.

3. They Rarely Ask About Your Needs

In any meaningful relationship, mutual care and concern are paramount. If your partner rarely asks about your needs—be it emotional, physical, or otherwise—it's a glaring red flag. They might seem attentive in other areas, but if they aren't genuinely interested in what you need to feel secure and loved, there's a disconnect that can't be ignored.

Consider how often your partner checks in with you about your day, your feelings, or your general well-being. Do they inquire about what you need from them? Are they willing to meet you halfway, or is it always about what works best for them? Relationships are built on reciprocity, and if your needs are continually sidelined, you're not being treated as a priority.

As psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson explains in her book Hold Me Tight, "We need to trust that our partner will be there for us when we need them." If your partner is rarely there for you or doesn't even ask what you need from them, it's a sign that your emotional well-being isn't at the top of their list. And that's a situation that deserves serious reflection.

4. They Listen, But Do They Really Hear You?

Listening is a fundamental part of any relationship, but there's a difference between hearing words and truly understanding what's being said. Does your partner listen to you, or do they merely nod along, waiting for their turn to speak? When you express your feelings or concerns, do they engage with you, or do they brush it off with a quick response that feels more dismissive than supportive?

Feeling unheard can be incredibly frustrating. You might find yourself repeating the same things over and over, yet nothing changes. This isn't just about communication styles—it's about whether your partner values what you have to say. When someone genuinely cares about you, they listen with the intent to understand, not just to reply.

Renowned author and therapist Esther Perel emphasizes, "The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships." If the quality of your communication is lacking, it's time to take a closer look at the relationship itself. Are you being valued, or is your voice simply an afterthought?

5. Your Opinions Are Often Overlooked

In a healthy relationship, your opinions should matter. They should be considered, respected, and valued, even if they differ from your partner's. However, if you notice that your opinions are frequently dismissed or overlooked, it's a sign that you might not be as important to them as they are to you.

Perhaps you've suggested activities, shared ideas, or offered input on decisions, only to be met with indifference or even resistance. It's as if your thoughts don't carry the same weight as theirs. This isn't just a minor issue—it's a sign of imbalance in the relationship.

A relationship where one person's opinions are consistently disregarded is one where mutual respect is lacking. Respect is the foundation of any strong partnership, and without it, the relationship is bound to suffer. If you're not being heard, it's time to ask yourself why. More importantly, it's time to consider if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in.

6. You're Kept at Arm's Length

When someone keeps you at arm's length, it's like there's an invisible barrier between you and them—one that you can never quite cross. You may feel like you're constantly trying to break through, to get closer, but something always holds them back. It's as though they're not fully letting you in, no matter how much you try.

Perhaps they avoid discussing deeper topics or shy away from emotional intimacy. They might be quick to share the superficial aspects of their life but hesitate when it comes to anything that requires vulnerability. This can leave you feeling like you're always on the outside, never truly part of their inner world.

Emotional distance can be incredibly painful, especially when you're yearning for connection. If your partner is keeping you at arm's length, it's worth considering whether they're truly invested in the relationship—or if they're holding back because they don't see you as a priority.

7. Their Goals Are Clear, But Where Do You Fit?

We all have goals and dreams, and in a healthy relationship, those aspirations should align to some extent. But what if your partner's goals are crystal clear, yet you have no idea where you fit into them? Maybe they talk a lot about their future plans—career ambitions, travel goals, personal projects—but somehow, you're never really part of the picture.

This can be a tough pill to swallow. You might find yourself wondering if they even see a future with you at all. Are you just a temporary companion on their journey, or are you truly a part of their long-term vision? When someone prioritizes you, they make it clear that you're an integral part of their future, not just a bystander.

If you're feeling sidelined in your partner's plans, it's time to have an honest conversation about your place in their life. Your dreams and goals matter too, and any relationship worth having will include a shared vision for the future.

8. You're Not Their Go-To for Important Events

When significant moments arise—whether it's a work celebration, a family gathering, or an important milestone—who do they turn to first? If it's not you, that's a glaring red flag. Being the go-to person in someone's life is a clear sign of your importance to them. It shows that they value your presence, your support, and your shared experiences.

But if you find yourself learning about these events after the fact, or worse, being excluded altogether, it's a painful reminder that you're not a priority. These situations can make you feel invisible, as if your role in their life is peripheral rather than central.

Important events are opportunities to strengthen your connection, to create memories together that solidify your bond. If you're consistently left out, it's time to question how invested they are in building a life with you.

9. The Little Things? They Go Unnoticed

The little things in a relationship often speak volumes. Whether it's remembering your favorite coffee order, noticing when you're having a tough day, or simply saying "thank you" for the small gestures, these moments of recognition build the foundation of trust and affection.

But what if these little things are constantly overlooked? Maybe they don't remember the details that are important to you, or they fail to acknowledge the efforts you make. This isn't just about forgetfulness—it's about how much attention and care they're willing to invest in the relationship.

When the small, meaningful gestures go unnoticed, it can leave you feeling unappreciated and taken for granted. These seemingly minor oversights can accumulate, creating a growing sense of disconnection and frustration. In a healthy relationship, both partners are attuned to each other's needs and expressions of love, no matter how subtle.

If the little things don't seem to matter to them, it might be time to evaluate just how much you matter to them as well.

10. They Avoid Serious Conversations

Serious conversations are the backbone of any deep and meaningful relationship. They're where we discuss our fears, our dreams, our boundaries, and our needs. But what happens when your partner constantly dodges these talks? If every time you try to bring up something important, they change the subject, make a joke, or simply shut down, it's a major red flag.

Avoiding serious conversations might seem like a way to keep the peace, but in reality, it prevents the relationship from growing. It leaves important issues unresolved and creates a barrier to genuine intimacy. You can't build a strong partnership on superficial exchanges alone. If your partner isn't willing to engage in meaningful dialogue, it's worth questioning what they're avoiding—and why.

Healthy relationships require open communication, especially when the topics are tough. If your partner is consistently avoiding these discussions, it may be because they're not as committed to the relationship as you are.

11. Transparency? Not in This Relationship

Transparency is essential for trust, and trust is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. If your partner is secretive, evasive, or downright dishonest about even the smallest details, it's a sign that something's off. Maybe they're vague about where they've been, who they're with, or what they're doing. Or perhaps they keep aspects of their life compartmentalized, leaving you feeling shut out.

Without transparency, it's impossible to feel secure in the relationship. You might find yourself constantly second-guessing their actions, wondering if there's something they're not telling you. This kind of uncertainty can eat away at the foundation of your relationship, creating a cycle of doubt and mistrust.

True transparency means being open, honest, and forthcoming with your partner. It's about sharing your life fully, without hidden agendas or secrets. If transparency is lacking in your relationship, it's time to have a serious conversation about what's being withheld—and why.

12. They Don't Take Your Side When It Matters

In a strong relationship, your partner should have your back, especially when it counts. But what if they don't? Maybe in disagreements with others, they're quick to play devil's advocate, or worse, they side with the other person, leaving you feeling unsupported and alone. This can be incredibly hurtful, especially when you're already vulnerable.

Having a partner who takes your side isn't about them blindly agreeing with you all the time—it's about them being your ally, your confidant, and your support system. They should stand with you when you're facing challenges, not leave you to face them alone. If they're consistently taking someone else's side or failing to support you when you need it most, it's a sign that your needs and feelings might not be a priority for them.

A relationship where your partner doesn't support you when it matters most is one where you're not truly valued. It's a dynamic that can lead to resentment and a deep sense of betrayal. If your partner isn't willing to stand by you, it might be time to stand up for yourself and consider if this relationship is right for you.

13. Intimacy Feels One-Sided

Intimacy is a crucial part of any romantic relationship, but it's not just about physical connection—it's about emotional closeness, vulnerability, and mutual affection. When intimacy feels one-sided, it's as if you're giving more than you're receiving, leaving you feeling unfulfilled and distant from your partner.

Perhaps your partner seems disinterested in connecting on a deeper level, whether it's through conversation, physical touch, or emotional sharing. They might go through the motions without truly being present, or they might withdraw altogether, leaving you craving the closeness that's missing.

One-sided intimacy can be incredibly lonely. It's a sign that your partner may not be as invested in the relationship as you are, or that they're emotionally unavailable. This imbalance can create a rift that's difficult to bridge, making it hard to feel truly connected and loved.

For intimacy to flourish, both partners need to be fully engaged and committed to nurturing the relationship. If you're the only one putting in the effort, it's time to reassess whether this relationship is meeting your needs or simply draining your energy.

14. You're Aware They See Other People

Discovering that your partner is seeing other people can be a devastating blow, especially if you thought your relationship was exclusive. Whether they've openly told you or you've found out through other means, this revelation can shake the foundation of your relationship. It's a clear indication that you're not their priority, no matter how much they might try to downplay it.

Open relationships work for some, but only when both partners are on the same page and have mutually agreed upon boundaries. If you're uncomfortable with the idea of them seeing others, and they continue to do so regardless of your feelings, it's a sign that your desires and comfort aren't being respected.

Being in a relationship where your partner is involved with others can leave you feeling insecure, inadequate, and constantly comparing yourself to those other people. It's an emotionally exhausting situation that often leads to more pain than it's worth. If you're aware that they're seeing other people and it doesn't sit well with you, it's time to seriously consider whether this relationship is right for you.

15. Your Gut Tells You Something's Off

Never underestimate the power of your gut instinct. Often, it knows the truth long before your mind is ready to accept it. If something feels off in your relationship—if there's a nagging feeling that you can't shake—it's important to pay attention to it.

Maybe it's the way they've been acting lately, a shift in their behavior, or an unexplained distance that's growing between you. Whatever it is, your gut is picking up on subtle cues that your conscious mind might be overlooking. This feeling of unease is your intuition trying to tell you that something isn't right.

Trusting your gut doesn't mean jumping to conclusions or acting on every fear. It means taking a step back and really evaluating the situation. Are there other signs that align with what you're feeling? Have you noticed patterns of behavior that confirm your suspicions? If so, it's time to listen to that inner voice and take action.

Your gut feeling is there to protect you, to guide you toward what's best for you. If it's telling you that something's off, don't ignore it. It's better to face the truth now than to let things fester and cause more pain down the road.

What You Deserve in a Relationship

It's easy to get caught up in the idea that love requires sacrifice, that being in a relationship means putting someone else's needs before your own. But here's the truth: you deserve a relationship where you are valued, respected, and prioritized. You deserve a partner who sees your worth and treats you accordingly—someone who makes you feel cherished, not just tolerated.

A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, open communication, and a shared commitment to each other's happiness. You deserve a partner who is genuinely interested in your well-being, who listens to you, supports you, and includes you in their life plans. This isn't about finding someone who's perfect; it's about being with someone who puts in the effort to make the relationship work, someone who values you as much as you value them.

Remember, you are not an option. You are not someone to be kept at arm's length, ignored, or taken for granted. You deserve a relationship where your needs, feelings, and desires are just as important as theirs. Anything less isn't worth your time or energy.

How to Move Forward

Realizing that you're not a priority in your relationship can be painful, but it's also a powerful moment of clarity. It's an opportunity to take control of your happiness and make decisions that align with your self-worth. Moving forward might mean having a tough conversation with your partner, setting new boundaries, or even walking away from the relationship altogether.

The first step is to acknowledge your feelings and trust your instincts. If you've noticed the signs that you're just an option, it's time to address them head-on. Have an honest conversation with your partner about your concerns and see how they respond. If they're willing to make changes and prioritize you, there's hope for the relationship. But if they're dismissive or defensive, it might be time to reconsider your future together.

Moving forward also means focusing on yourself—your needs, your happiness, and your growth. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family, engage in activities that bring you joy, and take time to reflect on what you truly want in a relationship. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel loved, respected, and valued every single day. Don't settle for anything less.

Final Thoughts

Facing the reality that you're not a priority in someone's life is never easy. It's a painful truth that can shake your confidence and make you question your self-worth. But it's also an important wake-up call—a chance to reassess what you want and deserve in a relationship.

Remember, being a priority isn't about demanding constant attention or being the center of someone's world. It's about being valued, respected, and cherished by your partner. It's about being with someone who makes you feel seen and heard, someone who is genuinely invested in your happiness.

As you move forward, trust in your instincts and know that you deserve more than being someone's option. Whether you choose to work on the relationship or walk away, the most important thing is that you prioritize yourself. You have the power to shape your own happiness, and that starts with recognizing your worth and refusing to settle for anything less.

Recommended Resources

• "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" by Dr. Sue Johnson
• "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead" by Brené Brown
• "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Dr. John Gottman