Dear eNotAlone: I'm 27 years old and I recently ended a long-term engagement with my ex-fiance. We had been together for almost five years, so it was quite serious, and the break up was very hard. We were both pretty devastated, and though we are still talking, we have both moved on. Now I am wondering if I should remain friends with my ex-fiance. We still care about each other, but I'm not sure if it would be best for either of us to try and stay friends. Should I try to remain friends with my ex-fiance or just move on?
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It's understandable that you're unsure what to do in this situation given the emotion and history involved. In order to decide if staying friends with your ex-fiance is the right choice for you both, it's important to consider how you'll both benefit or suffer as a result. On one hand, remaining friends gives you two the opportunity to keep your bond within the relationship alive, and when done responsibly, it can even help to healing and closure during the breakup process. On the other hand, staying too close or continuing a friendship may unintentionally retrigger tumultuous emotions from the past and put you both in an unhealthy loop. Furthermore, trying to remain close may cause jealousies and resentments that can quickly become unhealthy.
That being said, it's important not to underestimate the healing power and kindness of friendship. It can be a valuable tool in helping you both deal with the transition from being a couple to being friends. It's natural to want to hold onto the ties you have with someone you once had a deep connection and commitment to, however, it's important to ask yourself if being friends is truly in your best interest. Consider if staying friends is about avoiding loneliness, feeling the need to stay connected due to guilt, or trying to "compete" with a new partner. If your main motivation is to fill a void left by losing your ex-fiance, then it may be worth taking a step back and evaluating your reasons for wanting to remain connected.
If, after some honest reflection, you both feel that it could be mutually beneficial to maintain a friendship, it's recommended that you slowly work towards establishing boundaries in your relationship. This will reduce the chances of relapse into conflicting dynamics, hurt feelings, and unmet expectations. That being said, it's also important to remember that friendships take time to evolve and grow. Many people make the mistake of assuming the friendship will naturally happen, without the time and effort needed for it to fully develop. So, if you both decide to work on a friendship, be sure to communicate openly and honestly about what each of you needs out of the relationship, and actively work towards developing your friendship.
Whether you decide to remain friends with your ex-fiance is ultimately up to you two, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer in cases like these. If you both decide to attempt to remain friends, be sure to establish healthy boundaries, communicate openly and honestly, and above all else be kind to each other.
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