Dear eNotAlone, I am in dire need of expert relationship advice. Just a few days ago, I made the horribly difficult decision to end my long term relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years, but I now find myself in a position where I question whether or not I had done the right thing. We've been together for so long that I had built up an incredible amount of trust and commitment that has served as a treasured foundation for the both of us.
It started off when he came down with an illness and was unable to contact me for a while. I understand that he was and still is very busy with his studies and career aspirations and is quite passionate about them. The fact that he couldn't even make a few minutes for me as I anxiously waited for some word from him tugged at my heartstrings. I felt disrespected, taken for granted and unloved, so much so that all the love and affection I had for him started to dwindle day by day.
The few conversations we did have lead nowhere, as he remained committed to his studies first and then only to me second. With no improvement in sight, I finally decided that it would be better for me to end the relationship, reasoning that I was so invested in it that inflicting damage on myself would be worse than ending everything.
But now, I am flooded with regrets and confusion. Did I do the right thing? Should I stick to my decision or try to take him back and start over again? He'd be willing to give things another try, but I'm too scared to do the same. What should I do?
* * *
I understand how hard this must be for you and know how important it is to make the right decision. It sounds like your boyfriend was placing his studies first, which left you feeling neglected and pushed aside. It's completely understandable why you chose to end the relationship.
That being said, the regret you're feeling could be indication that it was a hasty decision that needs to be revisited. Being in a long-term relationship often comes with lots of give and take. It's true that making compromises can be tough and challenging at times, so it's important to talk to your partner about what changes need to be made on both sides in order to make things work.
Perhaps both you and your partner are interested in furthering the relationship and giving it another try, which could mean taking a lengthy pause before reconciling. During this time, it would be beneficial for you both to take a step back and assess what led you to this point and how to move forward. Establishing several ground rules that emphasize trust and communication going forward could also help to alleviate feelings of neglect and create foundation of love and respect.
Alternatively, maybe resolving the situation is best done through closure, which could be attainable with or without reuniting. If you choose to stay apart, the conclusion of your relationship needs to be carefully thought out and discussed between the two of you.
No matter what avenue you decide to take, it's clear that the both of you need to have an honest one-on-one conversation. Once this occurs, you will have a greater understanding on how to proceed.
Good luck and may you find a fulfilling resolution.
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