8 Powerful Steps to Finally Get Over Your Ex (And Move On)

Key Takeaways:

• Accept the breakup and move forward.
• Grieving is a crucial step.
• Limit contact with your ex.
• Reframe thoughts to heal.
• Surround yourself with supportive people.

Why Moving On Feels Impossible

Breaking up is never easy. It feels like your whole world has been turned upside down, and the idea of moving on can seem impossible. We've all been there, haven't we? Staring at our phones, hoping for a text that will never come, replaying memories in our minds, and wondering what went wrong. It's natural to feel this way, but it's also important to remember that you can and will get through this. It's not just about time healing all wounds; it's about taking active steps to heal yourself. Let's talk about how we can do that together.

Understanding the Emotional Rollercoaster

The emotional aftermath of a breakup is often likened to a rollercoaster, and for good reason. One moment, you might feel a strange sense of relief, and the next, you're hit with a wave of sadness or anger. These ups and downs are a normal part of the healing process. According to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's stages of grief, people often experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance after a loss. While originally applied to grief from death, these stages can also manifest during the loss of a relationship. Understanding that these emotions are a normal part of the process can help you navigate them with more clarity and patience.

Why We Hold On: The Science of Attachment

Letting go of an ex isn't just hard—it can feel downright impossible. Have you ever wondered why? It's not just about memories or the fear of being alone; it's deeply rooted in the way our brains work. Attachment theory, first developed by John Bowlby, explains how we form bonds with others. These bonds aren't easily broken. When a relationship ends, your brain still clings to the attachment, much like it would in any significant loss. This attachment can make you feel like you're stuck, unable to move forward, even if the relationship was toxic or no longer fulfilling.

Think about it like this: when you're with someone, your brain creates a pattern of connection and comfort that becomes familiar. When that connection is suddenly severed, it creates a void that your brain desperately tries to fill. This is why you might find yourself constantly thinking about your ex, checking their social media, or holding onto mementos from the relationship. Understanding this can be the first step in breaking the cycle and starting the journey to truly letting go.

Step 1: Accepting the Reality of the Breakup

The first and most crucial step in getting over your ex is acceptance. It's easy to fall into the trap of denial—hoping that maybe they'll come back, that things will go back to the way they were. But deep down, you know that clinging to false hope only prolongs the pain. Acceptance doesn't mean you're happy about the breakup or that you've moved on; it simply means you're acknowledging that it happened and that it's a part of your reality now.

This is where the real work begins. It's about facing the truth, even when it hurts. Maybe you've heard the saying, “The first step is the hardest.” Well, in this case, it's absolutely true. But once you take that step, you start to see that there is life beyond the breakup. Accepting the reality of the situation allows you to begin the process of healing and opens the door to a future where you can find happiness again.

Step 2: Allow Yourself to Grieve

Grief isn't reserved for death alone; it's a natural response to any significant loss, including the end of a relationship. When we think about grief, we often imagine it as something to be avoided, something to rush through or suppress. But here's the truth: grieving is essential to healing. It's okay to feel sad, angry, confused, or even relieved. These emotions are part of the process, and giving yourself permission to experience them is crucial.

Don't try to force yourself to “get over it” quickly. Grief doesn't work on a timeline. One day you might feel like you're making progress, and the next, you're back at square one. That's normal. In fact, embracing these feelings, rather than pushing them away, can actually help you move through the process more effectively. As the saying goes, “The only way out is through.” So, allow yourself to mourn the loss, and remember that it's a sign of how deeply you loved.

Step 3: Limit Contact with Your Ex

One of the most challenging but necessary steps in getting over your ex is to limit, or even eliminate, contact with them. This can feel incredibly difficult, especially if you were close or shared many parts of your life together. But continuing to communicate can keep you stuck in a cycle of pain and longing. Every message, every social media post, every “check-in” can reopen the wounds you're trying so hard to heal.

This doesn't mean you need to be cold or cruel; it's about setting boundaries that protect your emotional health. Take a break from social media if you have to, delete old messages, and resist the urge to reach out. The more distance you create, the more space you give yourself to heal. It's like trying to heal a wound—you need to stop picking at it for it to close properly. Remember, this is your time to focus on you, and that's okay.

Step 4: Reflect on What You Learned

Every relationship, no matter how it ends, offers valuable lessons. Reflecting on what you learned during your time with your ex is a powerful step in the healing process. This isn't about blaming yourself or dwelling on what went wrong; it's about understanding your growth and how you can use these insights moving forward. What did this relationship teach you about love, trust, and yourself? What patterns or behaviors do you want to avoid or cultivate in future relationships?

Taking the time to reflect allows you to gain clarity and perspective. You might realize that certain aspects of the relationship weren't as healthy as you thought, or maybe you'll recognize strengths you didn't know you had. This reflection isn't just about the relationship itself; it's also about your own personal development. By understanding what you've learned, you can approach future relationships with more wisdom and confidence. It's not about regretting the past, but rather, using it as a stepping stone to a brighter future.

Step 5: Rebuild Your Identity

When you're in a relationship, especially a long-term one, it's easy to lose sight of your individuality. You become part of a unit, and sometimes, your own identity can get a little lost in the mix. After a breakup, it's essential to take the time to reconnect with who you are outside of that relationship. This is your opportunity to rediscover old passions, hobbies, and interests—or even find new ones. What brings you joy? What excites you?

Rebuilding your identity isn't just about keeping busy; it's about nurturing the parts of yourself that may have been neglected. Maybe you loved painting but stopped because your ex wasn't interested, or perhaps you always wanted to travel solo but never got the chance. Now is the time to explore those things. By focusing on your personal growth and happiness, you're not only healing but also becoming the best version of yourself. Remember, you are a whole person, not just half of a relationship. Embrace this time to fully realize your potential and rediscover what makes you, you.

4 Wrong Ways to Get Over Your Ex

Not all coping strategies are created equal. In fact, some can do more harm than good, keeping you stuck in a cycle of pain rather than helping you heal. We've all heard advice that sounds like a quick fix—things like “get under someone new to get over your ex” or “just forget about them and move on.” But these methods are often counterproductive, leading to more heartache in the long run.

Here are four wrong ways to get over your ex:

1. Jumping into a rebound relationship: This might seem like an easy way to distract yourself, but it usually ends up complicating your emotions even more.
2. Stalking their social media: Constantly checking up on your ex online only keeps the wound fresh and prevents you from moving on.
3. Ignoring your feelings: Bottling up your emotions doesn't make them go away; it just postpones the inevitable emotional release, often making it worse.
4. Blaming yourself entirely: It's easy to fall into the trap of self-blame, but doing so prevents you from seeing the bigger picture and learning from the experience.

Understanding these pitfalls can help you avoid unnecessary pain and steer you toward healthier, more effective ways to heal.

Finding Healthy Distractions

One of the best ways to start moving on from a breakup is to find healthy distractions. These aren't about escaping your feelings but rather channeling your energy into something positive and fulfilling. When you immerse yourself in activities that bring you joy, you not only take your mind off the pain but also start rebuilding your life in meaningful ways.

Consider picking up a hobby you've always been interested in but never had the time to pursue. Whether it's learning a new language, joining a fitness class, or volunteering for a cause you're passionate about, these activities can provide a sense of purpose and accomplishment. Exercise is particularly effective because it releases endorphins, the body's natural mood lifters, which can help combat the feelings of sadness and lethargy that often follow a breakup.

Remember, the goal isn't to distract yourself to the point of avoiding your emotions entirely. Instead, it's about balancing the time spent processing your feelings with activities that remind you of the joys life still holds. These healthy distractions can serve as a reminder that your life is full of possibilities, even after the end of a significant relationship.

Step 6: Surround Yourself with Supportive People

During a breakup, it's easy to feel isolated, like no one truly understands what you're going through. This is why surrounding yourself with supportive people is so crucial. Whether it's friends, family, or a support group, having people who care about you can make all the difference. They offer not only a shoulder to cry on but also a sense of perspective and encouragement when you're feeling low.

Reach out to those who have always been there for you. Don't be afraid to lean on them, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. These are the people who will remind you of your worth, who will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel, even when it feels dim. Surrounding yourself with positivity and love can be a powerful antidote to the negative emotions that often accompany a breakup. As the saying goes, “You become like the five people you spend the most time with,” so choose those five wisely during this time of healing.

Step 7: Reframe Your Thoughts

Your mind is incredibly powerful. The way you think about your breakup can either trap you in a cycle of pain or set you free to move forward. Reframing your thoughts is about shifting your perspective from a place of loss to one of growth and opportunity. It's not about pretending everything is okay when it's not; it's about finding the silver linings and focusing on them.

For example, instead of thinking, “I'll never find someone like my ex again,” try reframing it to, “This is my chance to find someone who is an even better match for me.” Or rather than dwelling on, “I wasted so much time in that relationship,” consider, “I learned valuable lessons that will help me in the future.” This shift in mindset can be challenging, especially when emotions are still raw, but with practice, it can become a natural way of thinking.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) often emphasizes the power of reframing thoughts as a tool for overcoming negative emotions. By consciously choosing to reframe your thoughts, you take control of your narrative, turning what feels like an ending into the beginning of something new and hopeful.

Step 8: Set New Goals for Your Future

One of the most empowering steps you can take after a breakup is to set new goals for your future. A breakup often feels like the end of the world, but it can also be the beginning of something new—something entirely your own. By setting goals, you shift your focus from what you've lost to what you can gain. These goals don't have to be monumental; they can be small, daily objectives or long-term aspirations that give you a sense of direction and purpose.

Start by asking yourself what you want out of life now that this chapter has ended. Maybe you've always wanted to advance in your career, travel to a new country, or develop a new skill. Whatever it is, write it down, make a plan, and take steps toward achieving it. Setting and working toward these goals not only distracts you from the pain of the breakup but also helps you build a future that's fulfilling and aligned with your true self.

As you achieve these goals, no matter how small, you'll begin to rebuild your confidence and sense of self-worth. You'll see that your happiness doesn't depend on being in a relationship but on the life you create for yourself. This is your time to dream big and embrace the endless possibilities that lie ahead.

Final Thoughts: Will You Ever Get Over Your Ex?

This is the question that haunts so many of us after a breakup: “Will I ever get over my ex?” The answer is yes, but it's important to understand that healing is a process, not a destination. There will be days when the pain feels unbearable and days when you feel like you're finally moving forward. Both are part of the journey.

Getting over someone isn't about forgetting them or erasing the memories; it's about reaching a point where those memories no longer hold you back. It's about finding peace with the past and allowing yourself to look toward the future with hope. As time passes, the intense emotions will fade, and you'll find yourself thinking less and less about your ex. Eventually, they will become just a chapter in your story, not the entire book.

The most important thing to remember is that you have the strength to overcome this. You've survived 100% of your worst days so far, and you will continue to do so. Trust in your resilience, allow yourself to heal at your own pace, and know that brighter days are ahead.

FAQs: Common Questions About Moving On

When it comes to getting over an ex, there are often more questions than answers. The process of healing can be confusing, frustrating, and filled with uncertainty. Below, we'll address some of the most common questions people have when they're trying to move on from a breakup.

How long does it take to get over an ex?

The timeline for healing varies greatly from person to person. For some, it might take a few months, while for others, it could be a year or more. It depends on factors like the length of the relationship, the intensity of your feelings, and your own emotional resilience. The important thing is not to rush the process and allow yourself to heal at your own pace.

Is it okay to still love my ex?

It's completely normal to still have feelings for your ex, even after the relationship has ended. Love doesn't just disappear overnight. What's important is how you manage those feelings. Acknowledge them, but don't let them control you. Over time, these feelings will likely fade as you focus on your own healing and growth.

Can we ever be friends?

Friendship with an ex is possible, but it's not always the best idea, especially in the early stages of a breakup. Both of you need time and space to heal before considering a friendship. Rushing into it can complicate your emotions and delay your ability to move on. If you do decide to pursue a friendship, make sure both parties are truly ready and that there are clear boundaries in place.

Should I avoid dating until I'm over my ex?

There's no definitive answer to this, as it depends on the individual. Some people find that dating helps them move on, while others need time alone to process their feelings. The key is to be honest with yourself about your readiness. If you're still constantly thinking about your ex or comparing new potential partners to them, it might be best to hold off on dating until you've done more healing.

Recommended Resources

• “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
• “The Wisdom of a Broken Heart: An Uncommon Guide to Healing, Insight, and Love” by Susan Piver
• “Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You” by Susan J. Elliott