19 Signs Your Partner May Be Planning a Breakup

Key Takeaways:

• Recognize the signs of emotional withdrawal
• Learn how to address growing distance
• Spot behavior shifts in your partner
• Understand the importance of open communication
• Find out how to cope with breakups

There's a Growing Distance Between You

When emotional distance begins creeping in, it often feels like an invisible wall is building up between you and your partner. Conversations become short and uninspired, where once you both shared everything. Instead of feeling like you're a team facing life's ups and downs together, you start sensing that something's off, but you can't quite put your finger on it.

According to Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert on relationships, emotional distance can be a sign of underlying problems that aren't being communicated effectively. He describes this gradual disconnection as "emotional withdrawal," which he argues is one of the most common predictors of a breakup.

Sometimes, this distance manifests subtly; a lingering look at their phone during dinner, fewer shared laughs, or a reluctance to share their day with you. While occasional lulls in connection are normal, a consistent pattern of distance should never be ignored. It's essential to identify and address these moments early to restore the bond before it becomes a chasm. Start small—acknowledge the changes you see and express your feelings openly. Ignoring it could allow resentment to take root.

They Stop Doing Things for You

If your partner suddenly stops doing the little things they used to, it's not just about them forgetting. It's a clear indication of an emotional shift. Love isn't only in grand gestures; it's in the everyday acts of kindness, like surprising you with coffee or holding your hand during a movie. When those gestures fade away, it often signals deeper dissatisfaction or waning interest.

Think back to the early days of your relationship. The extra care your partner took to show they valued and appreciated you might have been second nature. But now, it feels like they're doing the bare minimum, or worse—nothing at all. Relationship expert Dr. Terri Orbuch emphasizes that these behavioral changes often reflect a lack of emotional investment and fading connection. When they stop trying, it's a red flag that things might be unraveling.

So what can you do? Instead of lashing out or acting out of frustration, have a genuine conversation. Approach them with curiosity instead of accusations. A line like, “I've noticed you're not doing those little things for me lately, and I miss that,” opens up the dialogue and shows your intent to reconnect instead of pointing fingers.

They Make Up Excuses Frequently

When someone is on the verge of breaking up, their reasons for not spending time with you or following through on commitments become increasingly flimsy. Maybe it's the sudden “work obligations” they never mentioned before, or the conveniently recurring “headache” whenever plans come up. These excuses aren't necessarily lies, but they can be a way of avoiding connection.

One of the main reasons for these excuses is discomfort or avoidance of intimacy. When a partner repeatedly cancels plans or seems too busy, it often means they are distancing themselves emotionally. Renowned relationship expert Esther Perel highlights this behavior in her book, “Mating in Captivity,” explaining that emotional withdrawal is often coupled with avoidance behaviors.

If you find your partner making excuses frequently, take a step back and reflect on whether this is a new pattern. Is it happening occasionally due to genuine reasons, or does it feel like they're trying to create distance? This isn't always easy to confront, but initiating a calm conversation about how their actions are affecting you might be the first step towards finding clarity.

They Keep Picking Fights Over Minor Things

If your partner keeps finding fault in little things—like the way you organize the kitchen or how you folded the laundry—it's often not about those trivial issues. They're projecting their deeper dissatisfaction onto minor matters. Think of it like a pressure cooker—there's underlying stress or frustration, and it finds release in picking small fights.

This kind of behavior is commonly linked to a psychological phenomenon called “negative sentiment override,” a term coined by Dr. John Gottman. When couples enter this stage, they start seeing each other's actions through a lens of negativity, even interpreting neutral or well-intended behavior as hostile or critical.

Instead of escalating the arguments, it's important to pause and reflect. Why are these minor fights happening so frequently? Is there a recurring theme or deeper issue that isn't being addressed? Try shifting your focus from winning the argument to understanding your partner's feelings. A gentle, “I feel like we've been arguing a lot lately. Is something else bothering you?” can open the door to a more productive conversation.

Talking About Breaking Up Becomes a Pattern

One of the most telling signs that your relationship might be headed towards a breakup is when conversations about ending things start coming up more frequently. Maybe your partner brings it up jokingly at first, or maybe they hint at needing “space.” Over time, these hints evolve into direct statements or arguments that end with threats of leaving.

It's common for couples to have moments where they feel overwhelmed or uncertain, but when talking about breaking up becomes a recurring theme, it's no longer just a passing feeling. Dr. Sue Johnson, a pioneer in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), warns that repeated mentions of breaking up often indicate unresolved underlying issues or a deep sense of dissatisfaction.

These statements shouldn't be taken lightly. Even if they're said in the heat of the moment, they reveal your partner's state of mind. Instead of brushing it off or responding with your own threats, it's crucial to get to the root of why these discussions keep surfacing. A direct but gentle approach—something like, “You've mentioned breaking up a few times now, and it's really concerning me. Can we talk about what's been going on between us?”—can open the door to a more honest dialogue.

They Stop Responding to Your Texts

If your texts are starting to feel like shouts into the void, this is a strong indicator of emotional disconnection. In the beginning, every message might have been met with excitement or prompt replies, but now you're left on “read” or receiving only one-word answers. This kind of shift is often subtle at first, but over time it becomes impossible to ignore.

While life gets busy for everyone, consistent non-responsiveness usually signals a decrease in interest. Dr. Shirley Glass, in her groundbreaking work on infidelity and emotional affairs, noted that communication patterns are a major indicator of the health of a relationship. When one partner stops engaging, it often reflects emotional withdrawal or a lack of investment in the relationship.

It's important to address this directly but not confrontationally. Try sending a message that's more than just asking “Are you okay?” Instead, say something specific like, “I've noticed you haven't been as responsive lately. I just want to check in—are we okay?” This type of message acknowledges the change and expresses your concern without escalating tension.

They've Stopped Paying Attention to You

Remember when your partner used to listen intently, nodding in agreement or reacting with interest to everything you said? If those days seem like a distant memory, it's a sign of emotional detachment. When someone stops paying attention, it's not just about ignoring your words—it's a reflection of not valuing what you have to share.

Small acts of inattentiveness, like zoning out during conversations or scrolling through their phone while you're talking, may seem insignificant in isolation. However, when they become habitual, they point to a much bigger problem. According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of “The 5 Love Languages,” paying attention is a fundamental way of showing love and affirming the connection between partners. When that stops, the bond weakens.

When you notice this pattern, it's essential to address it directly but kindly. Rather than accusing them, share how you feel. You might say, “I miss how we used to talk about everything. Lately, it feels like you're not really present with me.” Expressing your feelings in a gentle but honest way allows your partner to understand the impact of their actions without feeling attacked.

They Find Fault in Everything You Do

If your partner seems to criticize everything you do—from the way you load the dishwasher to the way you laugh at jokes—it's often a sign of deeper resentment or frustration. This shift in behavior might not happen overnight, but when it does, it's easy to feel like you can't do anything right.

Criticism, when it becomes pervasive, often stems from internal dissatisfaction. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman describes this as “turning against,” a behavior where one partner consistently reacts negatively instead of responding with understanding or empathy. This shift reflects a larger emotional conflict that hasn't been addressed or resolved.

Instead of retaliating with your own criticisms or letting it slide, it's helpful to acknowledge the pattern. You could try saying, “It feels like I'm doing a lot of things wrong lately. Is there something that's been bothering you?” Approaching the situation this way doesn't put them on the defensive but invites them to open up about what's really going on.

They Don't Like Making Future Plans with You

One of the most noticeable signs of an impending breakup is when your partner becomes hesitant about planning for the future. Whether it's scheduling a holiday months in advance, talking about moving in together, or even deciding what to do next weekend, they seem to shy away from these discussions or give vague responses.

This reluctance often indicates uncertainty about the relationship or a lack of interest in a shared future. Planning is a way of envisioning a life together, and when someone is emotionally checked out, the idea of a long-term commitment feels uncomfortable or overwhelming. As relationship expert Dr. Terri Orbuch points out, “When one partner resists future planning, it's usually a sign they are questioning their long-term commitment or have doubts about where things are headed.”

If your partner seems uncomfortable talking about future plans, it's important not to push them into making decisions, but it's also crucial not to ignore the issue. Ask open-ended questions to understand their hesitation, such as, “I noticed you've been avoiding conversations about our future. Is there something you're unsure about or worried about?” This creates space for honesty and understanding, rather than pressuring them into a commitment they aren't ready for.

You're Both Realizing You Want Different Things

It's natural for couples to have different interests and goals, but when these differences start pulling you in opposite directions, it can lead to feelings of being incompatible. Maybe you're looking forward to settling down, but your partner talks about moving abroad for new adventures. Or perhaps you value family time, while they're focused on their career above everything else.

Over time, these differences can create a growing disconnect, making it hard to align your lives. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Lisa Firestone, “When partners begin to realize their core values or long-term aspirations are not in sync, it creates a sense of drifting apart that is hard to reverse without significant compromise or re-evaluation of priorities.”

When you start feeling like you want different things, it's essential to have open and honest conversations about what you both envision for the future. Ask questions like, “Do you feel like we're on the same page about our goals?” or “How do you see our future together?” These conversations can be uncomfortable, but they're necessary to decide if the relationship can accommodate both of your dreams or if it's time to re-evaluate the partnership.

They Are Always on Their Phone

It's normal to be on your phone throughout the day, but if your partner is glued to their screen whenever you're together, it's a red flag. Maybe they're scrolling endlessly through social media or responding to every notification with unusual urgency. The problem isn't the phone itself—it's what it represents: a distraction from connecting with you.

When a partner is constantly occupied by their phone, it often signals disinterest or avoidance. Experts like Dr. Sherry Turkle, author of Alone Together, describe this behavior as a sign of “phubbing,” where someone prioritizes their device over their partner. Turkle argues that this kind of behavior creates a psychological distance, subtly undermining intimacy and connection.

If this is becoming a frequent occurrence, it's vital to bring it up without sounding accusatory. A gentle approach like, “I've noticed we're spending less time really talking to each other. Can we set aside some time without our phones?” can help. Setting boundaries around tech use shows a desire to reconnect, rather than simply complaining about it.

They Make Plans with Other People

If your partner is regularly prioritizing time with friends, family, or even new acquaintances over you, it's a clear indicator that something has shifted. Relationships thrive on shared experiences, and when your partner is seeking those experiences elsewhere, it's often a sign of emotional distance or dissatisfaction.

In the early stages of a relationship, couples typically want to spend as much time as possible together. But if your partner starts choosing others consistently, you might feel sidelined. According to Dr. Susan Krauss Whitbourne, a psychologist who specializes in close relationships, this behavior often stems from either an attempt to create space or a subconscious desire to avoid deeper issues within the relationship.

When you notice this pattern, approach the subject from a place of understanding rather than confrontation. You might say, “I've been feeling a little left out lately when you make plans with others. Is there something on your mind?” This invites them to express their feelings and creates an opportunity for both of you to address the distance together.

The Sexual Flame Has Burned Out

Physical intimacy is a crucial aspect of a romantic relationship. When the sexual connection fades, it's often a reflection of emotional distance or underlying dissatisfaction. It's not just about sex itself, but the warmth and closeness that physical affection brings. If the sexual spark has dimmed significantly or completely, it could signal deeper issues that aren't being addressed.

Research shows that maintaining a sexual connection helps partners meet psychological needs within a relationship. Dr. David Schnarch, in his book Passionate Marriage, emphasizes the importance of mutual intimacy, stating, “Sexual intimacy is a window into the overall emotional state of the relationship.” When partners lose that connection, it's not always about the lack of physical attraction—it's often a sign of unresolved emotional discontent or disconnection.

Rebuilding this connection requires open communication. It's not just about trying to revive the physical aspect, but understanding why it faded. Instead of framing it as a complaint, approach it as a concern. A line like, “I've noticed we're not as intimate as we used to be, and I miss that closeness with you. Can we talk about it?” can be a good starting point.

They Act Too Formal Around You

Have you noticed your partner speaking to you in a way that feels overly polite or distant? When someone starts acting formal around their partner, it's often a sign of discomfort or emotional withdrawal. Suddenly, conversations that used to be casual and light become stiff and rehearsed, almost as if you're strangers instead of a couple.

This kind of behavior is a psychological defense mechanism. When a person is feeling disconnected or unsure about their relationship, they may become more reserved to avoid vulnerability. Dr. Brené Brown, an expert on vulnerability and relationships, explains that people often resort to formality or guardedness when they are emotionally protecting themselves from potential hurt.

If your partner is acting overly formal, try to break the ice by addressing it gently. A simple, “You've seemed distant lately, and I feel like we're not as comfortable around each other. Is something bothering you?” allows them to open up without feeling interrogated or judged.

There Is a Shift in Priorities

In a healthy relationship, both partners usually prioritize the relationship and make time for each other amidst life's chaos. But when your partner starts redirecting their focus to other aspects of their life—whether it's their job, friends, or personal projects—it can create feelings of neglect or rejection.

It's normal to have phases where one area of life demands more attention, but when this shift becomes a long-term pattern, it's cause for concern. According to Dr. Terri Orbuch, relationship therapist and author, “When priorities shift and the relationship consistently takes a back seat, it's often a sign that one partner is emotionally disengaging.” You might notice them canceling plans more frequently, prioritizing work over date nights, or skipping out on shared activities without a second thought.

It's crucial to recognize these changes and talk about them openly. You could say something like, “I feel like we haven't been prioritizing time together lately, and it's been bothering me. Can we find a way to reconnect?” Being proactive in addressing the shift can sometimes bring their attention back to the relationship.

Your Partner Is Starting to Show Interest in Other People

When someone begins to emotionally or physically distance themselves from their partner, they may start seeking connection or validation from others. Maybe you've noticed your partner talking about someone new more often, spending more time with new friends, or even flirting openly with others. These behaviors can be an early indicator of emotional infidelity or growing dissatisfaction.

While some level of outside interest is natural, persistent behavior like regularly seeking attention from someone else or developing close bonds outside of the relationship can erode trust. Dr. Shirley Glass, an expert on infidelity, wrote in her book Not “Just Friends”, “Emotional affairs often start with small boundaries being crossed and escalate when partners feel unfulfilled or disconnected in their primary relationship.”

If you sense this happening, resist the urge to accuse or confront aggressively. Instead, express your feelings calmly and ask for clarity. A statement like, “I've noticed you seem to be spending more time with others lately. Is there something that's missing between us?” opens up a pathway for understanding rather than conflict.

Your Partner Seems Unhappy Frequently

When your partner starts showing signs of frequent unhappiness or discontent, it's hard not to take it personally. They may seem moody, withdrawn, or irritable without a clear reason. These persistent feelings of unhappiness are often more about internal struggles or dissatisfaction with the relationship than specific external events.

According to Dr. John Gottman, a prominent relationship expert, one of the key predictors of a breakup is what he calls “chronic negative affect.” When a partner is consistently unhappy, it creates a negative atmosphere in the relationship, which can lead to emotional withdrawal and growing resentment over time.

If you notice your partner feeling down more often than not, it's essential to approach the subject with empathy and curiosity. Ask open-ended questions that encourage them to share, like, “I've noticed you seem really unhappy lately, and I'm worried about you. Do you want to talk about what's been going on?” Expressing genuine concern rather than blaming them for their emotions can create an opportunity to understand what's really bothering them.

They Don't Enjoy Spending Time with You

One of the clearest signs that something is amiss is when your partner stops enjoying the time you spend together. Activities that once brought joy now feel forced or become a source of tension. Whether it's shared hobbies, weekend plans, or even just quiet time at home, if they seem eager to leave or always preoccupied, it's a signal that their heart isn't in it anymore.

Dr. Sue Johnson, a pioneer in Emotionally Focused Therapy, describes this as a loss of emotional engagement. When partners stop investing in shared experiences or become emotionally disconnected, it often leads to feelings of loneliness, even when you're together.

Instead of ignoring this change, acknowledge it with honesty and sensitivity. A simple, “I feel like we're not having as much fun together as we used to. Is there something on your mind?” can open up the conversation without sounding confrontational. It's about addressing the distance before it turns into a permanent separation.

What to Do When Your Partner Seems on the Verge of Breaking Up

It's terrifying when you sense that your partner is on the brink of ending things. The uncertainty can leave you feeling powerless and constantly on edge. But instead of panicking or reacting impulsively, it's essential to approach the situation with a clear mind and an open heart.

The first step is to communicate. Let your partner know how you've been feeling and ask if they're willing to have an open conversation. Relationship expert Dr. Terri Orbuch recommends using “I” statements instead of “you” accusations to prevent your partner from becoming defensive. For example, say, “I've been feeling some distance between us lately, and it's been really worrying me. Can we talk about it?”

Next, try to understand their perspective without jumping to conclusions or assuming the worst. This requires active listening and a willingness to hear things that might be difficult. Not every relationship that experiences a rough patch is destined for a breakup, but ignoring the signs only delays the inevitable.

Finally, don't lose sight of your own needs. Take care of yourself emotionally and mentally, even as you navigate these uncertain waters. If your partner is willing to work through the issues, great. But if they've already checked out, remember that holding on tightly won't prevent the end—it will only prolong your suffering.

FAQs

How can I tell if these signs are just temporary issues or indicative of a real breakup?

Temporary issues usually resolve themselves with time and communication. But if these signs persist over weeks or months despite attempts to reconnect, they may indicate deeper problems or a potential breakup.

What should I do if I suspect my partner is about to break up with me?

Avoid jumping to conclusions. Instead, ask your partner directly if something is troubling them. This gives them the opportunity to be honest, and it gives you clarity about where the relationship stands.

Is there any way to salvage a relationship on the brink of a breakup?

Yes, but only if both partners are willing to put in the effort. Seeking couples therapy, being transparent about emotions, and making intentional changes can sometimes save a relationship. But if only one person is committed, it's unlikely to succeed.

How can I cope with the emotional pain of a potential breakup?

Allow yourself to feel your emotions without trying to suppress them. Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist, and focus on activities that bring you joy or relief. Remember that it's okay to grieve, and healing takes time.

When is it time to let go of a relationship that's not working?

If your efforts to reconnect are met with resistance, or if staying in the relationship compromises your mental and emotional well-being, it might be time to let go. Trust your instincts and prioritize your happiness.

Where can I find resources or support to deal with a difficult breakup?

There are many options, from books and online support groups to therapy sessions with a licensed professional. Explore what feels right for you, and don't be afraid to reach out for help.

Recommended Resources

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman
• Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson
• Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
• Not “Just Friends” by Dr. Shirley Glass
• Passionate Marriage by Dr. David Schnarch