13 Shocking Signs He's Not Over His Ex (And What It Means!)

Key Takeaways:

• Talking about his ex constantly.
• Still holds onto past memories.
• Struggles to make future plans.
• Compares you with his ex often.
• Emotionally affected by past relationship.

Signs He's Not Over His Ex: The Warning Signals

Being in a relationship with someone who might not be over their ex can feel like walking on eggshells. There are subtle and not-so-subtle signs that something is still lingering from his past relationship. When we think of emotional baggage, we often picture unresolved issues, and those can creep into your relationship in ways you may not have anticipated.

If he's still hung up on his ex, you'll likely feel it in the way he talks, acts, or even how he avoids certain topics. It can be confusing and painful. But recognizing these warning signs is crucial, so you can understand whether he's ready for a new chapter with you—or if he's still emotionally tethered to someone from his past. It's about protecting your emotional well-being, too.

Why Does He Keep Talking About His Ex?

Has he ever mentioned his ex a little too much? Maybe you're trying to enjoy a simple dinner, and somehow she comes up in conversation. At first, it might seem harmless—a passing comment about an old memory. But when it starts to happen frequently, it feels like a third person has entered your relationship. Why does he keep bringing her up?

When a guy keeps mentioning his ex, it often reflects unresolved feelings. He might still be processing their breakup or clinging to the comfort of familiar memories. According to attachment theory, people sometimes struggle to let go because their emotional bond remains strong even after the physical separation. In these situations, their brain is still trying to adjust to the loss.

As Dr. John Gottman, a well-known relationship expert, once said, “We don't heal in isolation, but in connection.” If he's still talking about his ex, he may be seeking closure or understanding, but instead of addressing it head-on, he's dragging those emotions into his current relationship with you.

He Still Has Items from His Past Relationship

When someone holds onto objects from a past relationship, it can be a clear sign that they aren't ready to let go emotionally. Does he still keep her favorite book on the shelf or wear that hoodie she bought him? These aren't just random items—they carry emotional weight and memories. If he still has these things around, it may mean he's not fully over his ex.

Physical objects can be powerful triggers for our emotions. They remind us of the past and can keep old feelings alive. In psychology, this is referred to as "transitional objects," where an item represents a person or relationship we haven't moved past yet. If he's keeping these around, it's likely because he hasn't emotionally processed the end of that relationship.

It's not just about having stuff—it's about what that stuff represents. Is it a lingering hope? A refusal to move on? Either way, it's worth a conversation. You deserve clarity, and he deserves the chance to address these emotional ties.

The Bond with His Ex's Family Is Still Strong

It's one thing to be cordial with an ex's family, but if he's still regularly in touch with them, this can be a red flag. Families are often intertwined with the emotional side of a relationship, and if he's maintaining that bond, it could mean he's still emotionally invested in what that relationship represented.

For many, families provide comfort, and severing ties with them can feel like losing a support system. According to research in social psychology, relationships with in-laws or ex-in-laws often extend beyond the romantic relationship, representing a deep connection to a shared history. But if he's still leaning on them emotionally, it might indicate unresolved feelings.

This is especially tricky because it can blur boundaries. How do you create a future together when he still feels attached to the past through his ex's family? It's important to have clear boundaries and honest conversations about how these ongoing relationships affect your relationship.

Why He Continues to Communicate with His Ex

If he's still messaging, calling, or meeting up with his ex, that's something you can't ignore. It's one thing to amicably part ways with someone and exchange polite holiday wishes, but when the communication becomes frequent, it's fair to wonder why.

Communication with an ex often suggests there's something left unresolved, whether it's emotional or even practical. Maybe they shared pets, property, or financial obligations that keep them in contact. But it's crucial to understand the nature of this communication. Is it truly logistical, or does it dip into the personal?

Sometimes, people stay in touch with their ex as a way of avoiding the emotional fallout of fully letting go. According to the relational maintenance theory, individuals may try to “keep the door open” with an ex as a form of emotional safety net. But here's the thing—you're building a new relationship, and that needs to take priority over old ties. If he's still chatting with her like nothing's changed, it's time for a serious conversation about boundaries.

Are They Really 'Just Friends'?

“Oh, we're just friends,” is a phrase that might seem innocent, but let's not gloss over the potential issues here. Can someone truly be just friends with their ex? Maybe, but there's often more to the story. When he claims they're “just friends,” pay attention to the context of their relationship.

Friendship with an ex can only work if both people have fully moved on. However, if you notice flirty messages, late-night calls, or inside jokes that make you feel uncomfortable, you have every right to question the dynamic. Are they keeping things light, or is there an undercurrent of romantic tension?

As relationship expert Dr. Terri Orbuch explains, “Exes often hold emotional power, and staying friends can reopen wounds or prevent people from truly moving forward.” If their friendship feels like it's more than just friendly, there's likely something that hasn't been fully processed on either side.

The real question is: why would he need to keep that door open if he's committed to you? Open communication and trust are vital here. If their relationship feels like a threat to yours, it's something you shouldn't ignore.

He Knows a Lot About Her Current Life

Has he ever surprised you by knowing exactly what his ex is up to these days? Whether it's her new job, relationship status, or even details about her daily routine, it can feel unsettling to realize he's still so clued in on her life. It raises the question: how does he know all of this, and more importantly, why does he care?

Keeping tabs on an ex is often a sign that someone hasn't fully let go. Whether he's actively reaching out to her or simply keeping an eye on her social media, this level of awareness about her current life can indicate emotional attachment. In the digital age, it's easier than ever to stay connected with someone—even without directly speaking to them—but that doesn't mean it's healthy.

Psychologically speaking, continuing to follow an ex's life can keep the emotional bond alive. This behavior is often linked to what's called “emotional surveillance,” where someone monitors their ex as a way to stay connected and prevent emotional closure. If he's this invested in her life, it might be time to ask him if he's truly ready to move forward.

He's Closed Off About What Happened with His Ex

If he clams up every time you bring up his past relationship, it could be a sign of unfinished business. Being closed off about what happened with his ex may seem like he's protecting himself or avoiding drama, but it might also indicate that he hasn't fully processed the breakup.

Some people avoid discussing their ex because it brings up unresolved feelings of guilt, shame, or even heartbreak. If he's not willing to open up about what went wrong or how things ended, it makes it difficult for you to understand where he's emotionally standing now. And that lack of transparency can lead to a lack of trust.

According to relationship experts, avoiding these discussions is often a defense mechanism. As Dr. Brene Brown points out, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up when you can't control the outcome.” If he's not able to show that vulnerability with you, it may be a sign that he's still dealing with the emotional aftermath of his past relationship.

Talking about the past is hard, but it's essential for moving forward. Without this openness, you may feel like there's an emotional wall between you that you can't break through. In order to build trust, both partners need to be transparent about their emotional histories.

He Compares You to His Ex—What Does It Mean?

Have you ever been compared to his ex? Maybe it's a small comment about how she used to cook a certain way, or how she reacted in certain situations. When this happens, it can feel like you're competing with someone who isn't even in the picture anymore. It's not just frustrating—it's unfair.

When he compares you to his ex, it's often a reflection of unresolved feelings or an idealization of his past relationship. In his mind, he might be using her as a benchmark for what a relationship should look like, or worse, he may be glorifying their time together, forgetting why it ended in the first place. This can create a sense of competition where you feel like you're constantly trying to measure up to someone who doesn't belong in your current relationship.

According to cognitive dissonance theory, people tend to justify past experiences by romanticizing them, especially when there's guilt or regret involved. But here's the reality—you're not her, and nor should you be. Each relationship is unique, and if he's stuck comparing, it might mean he's holding onto an unrealistic standard that will only harm your connection.

At the end of the day, you deserve to be valued for who you are, not compared to someone from his past. If this pattern continues, it's important to address it head-on and establish boundaries.

Is He Still Grieving the Loss of His Past Relationship?

If he seems emotionally distant or sad when his ex is mentioned, it's possible he's still grieving the loss of that relationship. Grief isn't exclusive to death—it's also felt when relationships end, especially if they were significant or long-term. This emotional baggage can weigh heavily on your relationship, even if he's trying to move on.

Grieving a past relationship is normal, but the problem arises when he hasn't allowed himself the time or space to process that grief. If he's still mourning what they had, he might be emotionally unavailable to you. The signs of emotional grief can include mood swings, depression, or avoiding conversations about the future because he's still stuck in the past.

Psychologists often refer to this as “complicated grief,” which is when the loss of a relationship becomes so overwhelming that it prevents the person from moving forward. He may not even realize it, but if he hasn't properly grieved, it's hard for him to fully invest in your relationship. It's not something you can “fix” for him, but it is something that needs to be addressed for your own emotional health and clarity.

Understanding that he's still grieving can be hard, but recognizing it is the first step to knowing how to approach the situation. He needs to work through those emotions—whether through therapy, self-reflection, or conversations with you—to truly move forward.

Emotional Triggers: Why He Gets Emotional When Talking About His Ex

Have you noticed that he gets emotional whenever his ex comes up in conversation? Maybe he gets teary-eyed, or his mood shifts abruptly. These emotional triggers are often signs that there's unresolved pain or lingering feelings tied to that past relationship. It's not always a clear-cut case of still being in love, but it does mean that something about the breakup still haunts him.

Emotional triggers often happen when someone hasn't fully processed their past experiences. They might not have taken the time to grieve properly, or they may feel guilt, regret, or even nostalgia for the relationship. According to research on emotional regulation, these unresolved feelings can surface in unexpected ways, making it difficult for him to maintain emotional stability.

When he gets emotional, it's crucial to understand whether he's still healing or if these emotions are interfering with your relationship. It's normal to have some level of sadness about past relationships, especially if they were long-term, but if those emotions are spilling over into your relationship, it's a sign that the past still holds too much weight.

It's important to give him space to talk about these feelings, but you also need to be clear about what you're willing to accept. Your emotional well-being matters too.

He Hesitates to Make Future Plans with You

Does he get nervous when you start talking about the future? If he seems hesitant to make plans or avoids conversations about where the relationship is headed, it could be a sign that he's not fully over his past relationship. This hesitation can manifest in many ways—he might be vague about future vacations, avoid discussing moving in together, or change the subject when you talk about long-term goals.

When someone is emotionally stuck in the past, it's hard for them to look ahead. They may feel conflicted about moving on or be afraid of committing to something new while still processing old feelings. In psychological terms, this is called "ambivalence," where a person feels pulled in two directions—one part of them is trying to move forward, while another is still tied to the past.

If he's not ready to make future plans with you, it's essential to have an open and honest conversation about what's holding him back. Is it fear of repeating past mistakes, or is he still emotionally tied to his ex? You deserve someone who is fully invested in building a future with you, not someone with one foot still in their past.

Future plans are a sign of commitment, and if he's unwilling to make them, it may be a red flag that he's not as emotionally available as you need him to be.

Why He Holds Onto Old Photos and Memories

Does he still have pictures of his ex saved on his phone, or perhaps a box of mementos from their time together? Holding onto these photos and memories might seem innocent at first, but it can be a strong indicator that he hasn't fully let go. Physical reminders of a past relationship often carry emotional weight—especially when they've been kept intentionally rather than by accident.

We hold onto things that matter to us, and if he's clinging to these physical memories, it could suggest that he's still emotionally attached. In psychology, this is often referred to as “emotional anchoring,” where someone holds onto objects that represent a person or time in their life they can't yet let go of.

It's natural to keep a few memories of the past, but if these items are prominent and cherished, it may indicate that he's still processing the loss of that relationship. When the past is physically present in the form of old photos or keepsakes, it's harder for both of you to move forward. If he's reluctant to put those things away, it's worth having a conversation about what those memories mean to him now.

After all, your relationship deserves to be built on the present, not the shadow of the past.

How Long Does It Take to Get Over an Ex?

The question of how long it takes to get over an ex doesn't have a simple answer. Every person and every relationship is different. For some, it might take months, while for others, it could be years. The emotional depth of the relationship, the way it ended, and the individual's ability to process their feelings all play a role in the healing timeline.

Many people believe in the “half-time rule,” where it's said that it takes half the length of the relationship to fully move on. However, real emotional healing doesn't follow such a strict formula. According to research, factors like attachment style, emotional resilience, and whether someone is actively processing their feelings can dramatically affect the time it takes to truly let go of an ex.

There's no magic timeline for moving on. What matters is whether he's doing the work to heal. Is he reflecting on what happened, learning from it, and letting go? Or is he carrying that emotional baggage into your relationship? It's okay if he's still healing, but it's essential to ensure that he's moving forward rather than staying stuck in the past.

It's not about how long it takes, but about whether he's actively working on letting go and investing emotionally in your relationship.

What Should You Do When He's Not Over His Ex?

Finding out that your partner isn't over his ex can be heart-wrenching, but it's important to know how to handle the situation. The first step is communication. You need to talk openly and honestly about what you're noticing and how it's making you feel. Don't sweep it under the rug in hopes that it'll just go away—address it directly, but with empathy.

One thing to consider is giving him space and time to process his feelings. Pushing him to move on faster than he's ready can create resistance. Set clear boundaries though—let him know what you're comfortable with and what you won't tolerate, like keeping in constant contact with his ex or bringing her up in conversation too often.

It's also crucial to focus on your own relationship. Help him see that the future is with you, not in the past. Build a connection that is strong and fulfilling. Encourage him to seek support if he needs help letting go—whether through friends, family, or even therapy.

And most importantly, remember to be patient. If you see that he's making an effort to move on and invest in your relationship, give him time to heal. But if you feel like his heart is still with someone else, you need to evaluate whether this is the kind of relationship you want to be in.

Why It Hurts When He's Not Over His Ex

It hurts because you deserve to be the center of his emotional world, not second place to someone from his past. When a guy isn't over his ex, it can feel like you're competing with a ghost. No matter how much love, attention, or effort you put into the relationship, it might never feel like enough because his heart is divided.

This kind of emotional unavailability can be incredibly painful. You may start questioning your own worth or wonder if there's something wrong with the relationship. It's also deeply frustrating because you can't control or change how someone feels about their ex. The hurt is real because love is supposed to be about two people building a future together, not one person holding onto a past relationship.

Psychologically, this can create what's known as "attachment insecurity." When someone is emotionally unavailable or divided, the other partner can start to feel insecure about their place in the relationship. This insecurity can lead to anxiety, self-doubt, and a constant fear of being abandoned or replaced.

That's why it's so important to acknowledge your own feelings. You have every right to feel hurt, frustrated, and unsure about the future of the relationship. What matters now is how both of you handle this delicate situation moving forward.

Should You Date Someone Who Isn't Over Their Ex?

This is one of the toughest questions you may face when entering a relationship. Should you stick around and wait for him to move on, or should you walk away to protect your own heart? Dating someone who isn't over their ex is emotionally taxing and can leave you feeling insecure, unimportant, or stuck in an emotional limbo.

The truth is, if someone isn't fully over their ex, it's unlikely they can give you the emotional availability and commitment you deserve. You'll always feel like you're competing with memories, and that's not the foundation for a healthy, thriving relationship.

According to relationship expert Esther Perel, unresolved feelings for an ex often block emotional intimacy in current relationships. This emotional block can prevent your connection from growing deeper. The real question is: are you willing to wait and see if he moves on, or would it be better to find someone ready to commit fully to the present and future with you?

If the emotional baggage from his past is interfering with your happiness and stability, you may need to reassess if this relationship is what's best for your emotional well-being. While love can sometimes heal, you can't be expected to wait in uncertainty forever.

FAQ

Why do exes ruin relationships?

Exes can ruin relationships when unresolved feelings, emotional ties, or constant comparisons interfere with the current relationship. If someone hasn't fully moved on, their emotional attachment to their ex can create distance and insecurity between partners, making it difficult to build a future together.

What do you do when your boyfriend is not over his ex?

The most important thing to do is communicate openly. Address your concerns with empathy, but also set clear boundaries. You should also give him space to process his feelings while evaluating if he's making an effort to move on. If he's not, you need to decide if waiting for him to heal is worth the emotional toll it may take on you.

Should I wait for a guy to get over his ex?

This depends on whether you see real progress in his ability to let go and invest in your relationship. If he's taking active steps to move forward and showing genuine commitment to you, waiting might be worth it. However, if you feel like he's stuck and not making an effort to heal, it may be time to reevaluate whether waiting is in your best interest.

Recommended Resources

• “The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity” by Esther Perel
• “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
• “Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You” by Susan J. Elliott