The Shocking Truth About Verbal Abuse (15 Signs to Know)

Key Takeaways:

• Verbal abuse undermines self-esteem
• Often dismissed as normal conflict
• Includes name-calling and manipulation
• Creates fear and emotional instability
• Yelling and silent treatments are signs

What is Verbal Abuse?

Verbal abuse goes beyond the typical arguments or disagreements we expect in relationships. It's a pattern of behavior where someone consistently uses words to hurt, belittle, or control another person. This could involve anything from constant criticism, insults, and threats to more subtle forms like sarcasm or dismissing someone's feelings. The goal is often to chip away at your self-worth and gain control. If you feel trapped in a conversation, like you're walking on eggshells or dreading interactions, verbal abuse might be at play.

In “The Verbally Abusive Relationship,” Patricia Evans explains, "Verbal abuse is an attempt to control the other person, often through humiliation or intimidation." It's essential to recognize that this type of abuse can leave deep psychological scars, even if it's not always visible to others. Many people in verbally abusive relationships end up questioning their own reality, self-worth, or mental health over time.

What is the difference between Verbal Abuse & Normal Conflict?

All couples argue. Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. But verbal abuse is something else entirely—it's about power, control, and domination, not about resolving disagreements. Healthy conflicts involve both people voicing their frustrations, listening to each other, and finding common ground. It can get heated, sure, but there's respect.

On the flip side, verbal abuse isn't a two-way street. One person uses words as weapons to shame, blame, or manipulate the other. Instead of trying to solve the issue, they're trying to win by making you feel small. If you're constantly feeling attacked, ignored, or afraid to speak up, the conflict may be abusive. As Dr. Lundy Bancroft puts it in “Why Does He Do That?”—"Abuse is not about anger; it's about control." Recognizing this difference is crucial in protecting your emotional and mental well-being.

1. Walking on Eggshells: Constant Fear of Setting Them Off

Ever feel like you're tiptoeing around someone, always terrified of saying the wrong thing? That's what it feels like to walk on eggshells in a verbally abusive relationship. You become hyper-aware of every word and every expression, second-guessing yourself constantly. One small misstep can lead to an outburst, and you're left feeling anxious, helpless, and even more silenced. This fear doesn't just come from arguments—it's the day-to-day dread that hangs over you, making it impossible to relax or feel safe.

Psychologists call this a "trauma bond," where the victim becomes emotionally attached despite the abuse, driven by fear and hope for approval. When you're always anticipating an emotional explosion, you're not in a healthy conflict—you're being controlled through fear.

2. Name-Calling and Ridiculing

Verbal abuse often manifests through degrading names or constant ridicule. You've probably heard phrases like "You're so stupid" or "You'll never be good enough." These aren't just insults in the heat of the moment; they're systematic attacks aimed at chipping away at your sense of self. Over time, you might start to believe those words, letting them shape your identity.

Abusers use name-calling as a way to establish dominance, making sure you know your place—beneath them. It's not just a cruel comment; it's a tool of control. As author Lundy Bancroft writes, “The critical aspect of name-calling is not the words themselves but the intent to belittle and degrade.” Verbal abuse isn't accidental—it's targeted, deliberate, and designed to cut deep.

3. Inappropriate and Hurtful Jokes

Jokes are supposed to make us laugh, right? But in a verbally abusive relationship, jokes often have a dark undercurrent. They're used as a way to cut you down while the abuser hides behind a laugh. “I'm just kidding” becomes their defense after saying something cruel, leaving you feeling belittled and confused about whether or not you're overreacting. If you call them out, you're told you're too sensitive or can't take a joke.

These so-called jokes are anything but harmless. They're designed to humiliate you in front of others or to erode your self-esteem. And the worst part? The abuser may say these things with a smile, masking their true intent behind humor. But no joke should come at the expense of your dignity or mental well-being.

4. Condescending Conversational Tone

A condescending tone might not sound as blatant as yelling, but it's equally damaging. Think about how it feels when someone talks down to you, as if you're not intelligent enough to understand. The abuser uses this tone to undermine your confidence and self-worth, often making you feel inadequate or small. This is more than just a bad habit—it's a form of manipulation meant to keep you feeling inferior.

When someone constantly speaks to you with condescension, it sends the message that you don't matter, or that your ideas and opinions are unworthy of consideration. Over time, this type of verbal abuse wears you down, convincing you that maybe, just maybe, they're right, and you're the one who's flawed. But remember, healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, not power plays like these.

5. Verbal Criticism: Chipping Away at Self-Esteem

Verbal criticism goes beyond offering feedback. In a verbally abusive relationship, it's a constant barrage of negativity aimed at chipping away at your confidence and self-worth. The abuser might nitpick everything—from the way you dress, to how you handle tasks, to who you are as a person. It's not about helping you grow; it's about keeping you feeling small.

Over time, this kind of criticism can erode your self-esteem, leaving you questioning your own abilities and worth. As psychologist Beverly Engel explains in “The Emotionally Abusive Relationship,” “Criticism is one of the most common forms of emotional abuse, and one of the most damaging. It can make you feel like nothing you do is right.” When criticism becomes a weapon, it's not about improvement—it's about control.

6. Humiliating Comments: Intentional Belittling

Humiliating comments are another powerful tool in the verbal abuser's arsenal. These remarks are designed to publicly or privately embarrass you, making you feel exposed and worthless. Whether it's mocking something deeply personal or calling you out in front of others, the goal is to diminish your sense of self.

Abusers use humiliation to establish dominance, often timing these comments at your most vulnerable moments. The damage isn't just in the words themselves but in the intent—to make you feel inferior. It's intentional belittling, designed to keep you feeling trapped and small.

Feeling humiliated is deeply personal, and it stays with you long after the words are spoken. It's not just a momentary sting; it's a wound to your core identity. Remember, someone who truly loves you will never seek to humiliate you, especially for their own gain.

7. Threats and Accusations: Psychological Intimidation

Threats and accusations are a potent form of psychological warfare in verbally abusive relationships. These aren't always overt threats of violence, though those can happen, too. Sometimes it's more subtle—a threat to leave you, to take something important away, or to destroy something you care about. These tactics are designed to create a constant state of fear, keeping you in a heightened sense of anxiety, never knowing when the next verbal bomb will drop.

Accusations, on the other hand, are often baseless but force you into a defensive position. You find yourself constantly justifying your actions or your words, no matter how absurd the accusation. This type of psychological intimidation wears you down, making you feel as if you're constantly under scrutiny. It's exhausting, and exactly what the abuser wants—to control your mental and emotional state by keeping you on edge.

Living in this kind of environment is incredibly stressful. Over time, the threats and accusations chip away at your sense of safety and stability, leaving you feeling like you're always in survival mode.

8. Blaming You for Everything

In a verbally abusive relationship, everything becomes your fault. Whether it's a small inconvenience or a major crisis, the abuser shifts all the responsibility onto you. This is a classic manipulation tactic called “gaslighting,” where the abuser twists the narrative to make you question your reality. The more you hear “It's your fault,” the more you begin to believe it, even when logic tells you otherwise.

Blaming is an easy way for the abuser to dodge accountability. Instead of taking responsibility for their actions or words, they place the blame squarely on your shoulders. You might hear things like, “If you hadn't done that, I wouldn't have reacted this way,” or “You made me act like this.” It's a toxic cycle that leaves you constantly apologizing and internalizing guilt for things that were never your fault to begin with.

This constant blame game is meant to break you down. After enough time, you might start believing you're truly to blame, which only deepens the control the abuser has over you.

9. Yelling and Screaming: Explosive Reactions

Yelling and screaming are classic signs of verbal abuse, but they are often dismissed as just someone “losing their temper.” In reality, these explosive reactions are a deliberate attempt to intimidate and control. When someone screams at you, it's not about communication or resolving a conflict—it's about overpowering you and making sure their voice is the only one that matters.

These outbursts can be sudden and intense, leaving you shocked, scared, and often paralyzed with fear. The abuser's goal is to break down your defenses and make you feel small. When the yelling starts, reason flies out the window, and the emotional impact can be devastating. As Dr. David M. Allen explains in “How Dysfunctional Families Spur Mental Disorders,” “Raising one's voice isn't just a way to express anger—it's a tactic to dominate and disarm the listener.”

In the aftermath, you're left reeling, questioning what set off the explosion, and walking on eggshells to avoid it happening again.

10. Silent Treatments: The Power of Emotional Neglect

The silent treatment may seem less aggressive than yelling, but it's equally destructive. It's a form of emotional neglect where the abuser withdraws all communication to punish you. They refuse to speak, respond, or acknowledge your existence, leaving you in emotional limbo. The silence is deafening, and it speaks volumes—it says, "You don't matter."

Silent treatments are a form of manipulation designed to make you desperate for their attention or approval. Over time, you might find yourself bending over backward just to break the silence, apologizing for things that weren't your fault in the first place. It's a cruel tactic that strips away your sense of worth and leaves you feeling isolated.

In a healthy relationship, people communicate their frustrations. But in an abusive one, silence becomes a weapon. By withholding affection, conversation, or even acknowledgment, the abuser maintains control, knowing how deeply the silence affects you.

11. Discounting Your Emotions and Opinions

One of the more insidious forms of verbal abuse is when someone consistently dismisses your emotions and opinions. In a healthy relationship, both partners' feelings are validated and taken into account. But in a verbally abusive dynamic, your emotions are minimized, mocked, or brushed aside. You might hear things like, “You're overreacting,” or “You're too sensitive,” as a way to invalidate how you feel.

Over time, this kind of response makes you doubt yourself. You start to believe that your emotions are unimportant or that you're making too big of a deal out of things. This can lead to a profound sense of isolation because the person who should care about your feelings treats them as irrelevant. The reality is, when someone consistently discounts your emotions, they're not just ignoring your feelings—they're silencing you.

12. Manipulation Through Words: Controlling Your Thoughts

Manipulation is at the heart of verbal abuse. Abusers often use subtle but calculated words to control the way you think, twisting conversations until you doubt your own perceptions. They may use gaslighting tactics, making you question your memory, sanity, or even your reality. Statements like, “That never happened” or “You're imagining things” are meant to distort the truth and keep you in a fog of confusion.

Verbal manipulation can also come in the form of guilt-tripping, where the abuser makes you feel responsible for their actions or emotions. They may say things like, “If you really loved me, you'd do this” or “Look at what you've made me do.” These words are designed to make you feel powerless, as though their happiness depends entirely on you.

Ultimately, this manipulation leads to self-doubt and dependency. The abuser keeps you in a state of uncertainty, ensuring that you rely on their version of events. It's a form of mind control, slowly eroding your ability to trust yourself.

13. Repetitive Arguments: The Never-Ending Cycle

In a verbally abusive relationship, arguments never truly end. They might pause, but they resurface again and again, often over the same unresolved issues. These repetitive arguments are exhausting, emotionally draining, and leave you feeling trapped in a never-ending cycle of conflict. You might think a particular disagreement has been settled, but the abuser brings it back up, dragging you into yet another round of blame and shame.

This cycle is a form of control. The abuser keeps you emotionally off-balance, constantly trying to defend yourself or fix things that can't be fixed. The repetition wears you down until you feel powerless to change the situation. The sad reality is, these arguments aren't meant to resolve anything—they're meant to keep you stuck in a loop, questioning yourself and your role in the relationship.

14. You Apologize All the Time: Forced to Take the Blame

Do you find yourself apologizing constantly, even when you're not sure what you did wrong? This is a classic sign of verbal abuse. The abuser shifts blame so often that you begin to feel responsible for everything that goes wrong in the relationship. Over time, it becomes easier to apologize just to keep the peace, even if you've done nothing to warrant an apology.

Forced apologies are a sign that the power dynamic in the relationship is skewed. Instead of resolving conflicts with mutual understanding, the abuser makes you feel like it's always your fault. This constant need to apologize erodes your sense of self-worth and teaches you to accept blame even when it's undeserved.

It's important to remember that in healthy relationships, apologies come from both sides, and they are genuine. When you're apologizing all the time just to avoid conflict, it's a red flag that something is deeply wrong.

15. Emphasizing Your Weakness and Flaws

One of the most harmful tactics of verbal abuse is when the abuser continuously highlights your weaknesses and flaws. Whether it's something personal, like your appearance or intelligence, or more situational, like a mistake you made at work, they will latch onto it and use it against you. The goal? To make you feel small and insecure, keeping you in a constant state of self-doubt.

This form of abuse is relentless. The abuser might remind you of past failures or exaggerate minor flaws, turning them into major issues. Over time, you start internalizing these criticisms, believing that these perceived weaknesses define you. It's a way of keeping you under control—by making you believe that you're not good enough, not strong enough, and that you need them to survive.

In reality, everyone has weaknesses, but in a healthy relationship, these aren't weaponized. A loving partner helps you grow and supports your strengths rather than using your vulnerabilities to tear you down. When your flaws become a constant point of criticism, it's not just a toxic behavior—it's abusive.

Recommended Resources

• The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans
• Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
• The Emotionally Abusive Relationship by Beverly Engel